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Tuesday, December 10, 2024

I’m having the best sex of my life – but I can’t climax until my lover leaves the room

We are in a close and loving relationship, so neither of us can understand this last inhibition

My lover and I are in our 70s, have been friends for years and are enjoying the best, most intimate sex of our lives. But I struggle to orgasm in front of him. I wish I could see what other women look like when they do but I’m too scared to search for it on the internet. He is very considerate and when he sees that I am close to an orgasm, he leaves me alone for a few minutes with my vibrator. When he hears me climax, he comes back because he wants to hold me and share it. I’d like to understand what is stopping me from doing it while he is lying next to me or watching. I think it could be because I feel at a disadvantage. Unlike me, he probably has seen other women masturbating and climaxing. We are in a close and loving relationship, so he can’t understand this last inhibition of mine. I hesitate to talk to him about it as I don’t want him to look back at previous partners and compare me with them.

You do not have to feel bad about a very normal response. Most of us were taught that masturbation was wrong or “dirty”, and for that reason it is hardly surprising you are now programmed to keep it private. Most of us have developed ideas of what is sexually “normal” from unreliable sources – media, pornography, friends. As a couple you have developed a style that works for you, and that is wonderful. Your partner is acting in a very loving and considerate manner, so relax, be grateful for that and appreciate that you are well understood.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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* This article was originally published here

Thursday, November 21, 2024

How we met: ‘There was a heatwave and he didn’t have air conditioning. So I invited him to sleep on my floor’

Marc, 61, and Lori, 65, met online in 1995. They have a daughter and live in Illinois

By the time Lori was in her mid-30s, she was ready to settle down. “I was living alone in Chicago and I’d just started a klezmer band – it’s like Jewish folk music combined with jazz,” she says. “I was taking a break from my graduate studies in Russian language and literature.”

Internet dating wasn’t popular in 1995, but when she discovered an online bulletin board (a kind of forum) for Jewish singles, she decided to try it. “There were not many women online then. It was mostly me and lots of computer programmers,” she says, laughing.

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* This article was originally published here

Saturday, October 26, 2024

This is how we do it: ‘I’m a feminist, but what turns me on in the bedroom runs counter to my convictions’

Rebecca thought she had a low sex drive until she got divorced and met Tom, who introduced her to dominant/submissive play
How do you do it? Share the story of your sex life, anonymously

The first time we had sex, I remember being excited by how commanding he was in bed. My fantasies had always revolved around a dominant figure

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* This article was originally published here