Need Advice on Issues with Bio-Dad over College Fund

Hi, I(17F) am in my last year of school and I'm starting college this year after giving my final exams. I have chosen to do a degree in engineering. In my country, getting accepted into an engineering course is difficult due to limited seats and a high amount of people opting for engineering. There is a tough entrance exam to qualify to get into engineering colleges for which students start studying for from 11th grade but I have decided to take up engineering recently hence I might not get a high rank and might not get into a good college. I have signed up for a crash course and I am aiming to do my best on the entrance exam regardless. Due to this situation, I will not be able to personally opt what college I get into nor can I be certain whether I will even get accepted into the course. I am also looking at private universities but they have a much higher fee and it goes even higher if I do not get a good rank.

My mom(44F) and dad(40+M) are divorced and both remarried. My mom got primary custody and my dad has visitation rights. My mom has a job in the pharmaceutical field and has stable pay and my dad owns his own business and therefore is richer than us. My dad and I are not very close and we have met only twice in the last ten years. I am not sure why we aren't close since there are a lot of factors in this relationship. I still have not met my half-brother who was born to my dad and his wife nine years ago.

My mom called my dad and asked if he was willing to assist with the fees for college if it is too high for her to pay. He had earlier given money when I started first grade but that money might not be enough. My mom is also thinking of quitting her job since she has had severe health issues since the past two years and her work environment is very toxic. My dad told my mom that she should have properly invested the money at the start so it would have doubled by now and asked her to give the money back so that he can invest it properly. My mom responded that she had been in depression after divorce and had no guidance as to where to invest the money and told my dad that he did not love me and cut the call. She told me that he humiliated her.

My dad messaged me today asking if we could meet up to discuss my future plans and my mom told me to ignore him. She did ask me whether I wanted to meet him but since I don't have a proper relationship with him and I'm very indifferent towards him, I'm fine with both meeting him and not meeting him. I also don't want to hurt my mom by saying I want to meet him. I personally don't care if I have a relationship with my dad but I do not want to hurt my mom in anyway.

More Info: Unlike in other countries, here, parents personally pay for the bachelor's degree and even Master's degree most of the times. We even stay with our parents even if we have enough money to move out and if my mom takes out any loans for my college, it will be paid back by my mother and not me. Part-time jobs while you study is not really a thing here though I'm thinking of taking up one so that I can pay for at least a small part of my living expenses.

My stepdad has also asked if he could pay for me but both my mom and I agree it is unfair to ask that of him since he has only known us for three years.

So reddit, can you give me advice on how to go forward with this and tell me if I have done anything wrong? I would really appreciate some solid advice and I'm willing to provide further details since I might have been vague in this post.

TL;DR: My mom called my dad and asked if he was willing to financially assist me through college. Dad humiliated her and has messaged me asking to meet with him. Need advice on how to proceed.

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bf (22M) mad i (20F) got diagnosed & he didn’t

so my bf and i have dated for 2 years. i’ve been clinically diagnosed w depression at 13. i had a really abusive childhood. i’m not asking for sympathy from him nor anyone. not once have i been “too much” on my bf or made him to be my therapist.

my dr diagnosed me w adhd recently. my bf has been saying he has adhd to me for the entire relationship but never consulted it with anyone and doesn’t want to. when he found out i got diagnosed w it, he got mad saying it isn’t fair. he says i don’t have it & i’m lying to my dr. my dr also wants to look at bipolar medication for me & he said i don’t have it bad and compared me to a tv character who ran away whilst manic & claimed i’m not like that.

he also compared his childhood to mine & said i had a normal one. i’m not sure if my recent diagnosis have triggered him, i’ve never invalidated his feelings but he compared being shouted at for misbehaving and not getting toys to me being abused.

tl;dr i got diagnosed w adhd & my bf is mad he didn’t even tho he never seeked help. i’ve tried supporting him but now he’s claiming it lying about my mental health

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My(15F) boyfriend's (16M) dad and swim coach made/allowed him to ride in the boot of a car

Ok so a bit of backstory, my boyfriend of two years does competitive swimming, like nationals level. His dad makes him do it, but he refuses to quit or anything. In the past, his dad has done stuff like make him go swimming even if he's sick, and basically hold swimming at a higher importance than anything else. Often my boyfriend isn't allowed to go out with the friend group, because he has swimming on, or he has some important race and his dad is worried he'll get injured or something.

This week he's been across the country for open water nationals, and he's been staying with his dad and his coach and other members of his club. In the past, there's been issues with the coach, like calling people lazy if they don't do extra training (he already trains twice a day 6 days a week) and overall being negative towards the swimmers.

There's been like a three hour time difference, so communication has been difficult, but this morning as we were talking, he sent me a picture of him in the cars boot and said that he was riding to the beach in the car boot because there were too many people to fit in the one car. I'm sorry what?!?

Ok, one, that's illegal, and two, that dangerous. I just can't believe his dad would let him do something like that. Like that's crazy dangerous and it's wrong on so many levels!!

I'm really confused on what in the world to do because I really don't wanna lose my bf, but I don't know if I can just let this go with a good conscience. I don't want him to be put in danger, let alone by adults who are supposed to be looking after him. I could really use some advice, so any help is appreciated. ☺️

TL;DR My(15f) bf's(16M) dad holds my bf to very high expectations around swimming, this week he had nationals and was made to sit in the car boot on the way to the beach beacuse there were too many people to fit in the car.

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My (53m) daughter (18f) thinks that I give more attention to the children I have with my current wife (35f) and that's damaging our relationship

A few days ago my (53m) eldest daughter (18f) lost her phone, probably for the third time in a span of two years. I don't know what she does with the phones, if someone steals them or what, I only know that she loses them and wants me to buy her a new one every time. And every time she lost them I would pay what the insurance asked me in addition to the annual payment, and she would get a new phone. And the truth is that I can afford it but now I want her to learn a lesson and learn to take care of her belongings because she is an adult and she has to learn to be responsible, so this time I refused to buy her a new one.

I told her if she wants she can take my wife's (35f) old phone until she gets a job and pays herself a new one, and she got mad and told me that she wants me to give the old phone to her sister (12F) so that she can take hers, which is a newer model. And I said no because I don't think it's fair, my twelve year old daughter waited for that phone for months until my wife and I decided it was time to buy her one because she is old enough to have her first phone. Well, now my eldest daughter is furious and told my ex, her mother, that I no longer treat her like I used to, that I treat the children (12f, 10f, 8f, 4m, 2m, 1f) I have with my current wife better, and that is not true, I love them all equally and for that very reason I want her to learn a lesson because I'm not going to always be there for her and she has to learn to be responsible. But my ex doesn't understand that, she believed her lies and now she accuses me of being a bad father and said that if I don't buy her a new phone my daughter will never forgive me, that all her friends have modern phones and that she would be embarrassed to have such an old one. But I won't do that, for years I spoiled her too much because I felt guilty for breaking up with her mom when she was so young and now i want to do what i should have always done and teach her not to be so spoiled, because clearly that will only bring her problems in her adult life.

She's never been jealous of her sisters or had a bad relationship with my wife in the sixteen years we've been together, so I don't know what's wrong with her. I tried to talk to her mom, with whom I have a bad relationship, but she only told me what I said above about the phone and that was it she doesn't even want to cooperate to find out what's wrong with our daughter. And that makes me desperate, because she lives with me but still I can't figure out what is happening to her, I just know that for the slightest thing she gets angry with her siblings. Last night my one year old daughter was playing near my older daughter, and at one point she threw a toy that hit the tv and my older daughter started yelling and telling her to behave, and she made her cry and my wife told her not to yell at her and she got even angrier and said horrible things to her. And we're all shocked because she never said anything bad about my wife or our relationship, so we're really confused because we don't know where all this sudden anger came from. I just know that I want to fix this matter as soon as possible but I don't even know how.

tl;dr "My (53m) daughter (18f) thinks that I give more attention to the children I have with my current wife (35f) and that's damaging our relationship "

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Should I (24M) lie to my crush (F21) ?

I really haven't had genuine feelings for people over a long time and have just been having meaningless relationships for the last year and a half. There is this girl that I really adore looking at and listening to. She's super fun to talk to and you can understand her intelligence even 1min into the conversation. I really don't wanna screw it up with her because we've been chatting for a while and I think I have a shot with her (maybe it's a slight chance but idk).

The other day when we were talking about movies she suggested a psychological drama and I told her I'd definitely check it out however I am not feeling okay enough to watch something like that. Should I google stuff about the movie and tell her that I watched it or should I just let it go and wait for another opportunity to have a chat with this girl?

Thanks a lot in advance and I'm sorry if this is a no-good question.

**TL;DR;** : A girl who I have a crush on suggested a movie but I don't want to watch it, should I lie?

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My (M23) girlfriend (F20) does some things that make me uncomfortable but I don't know if I'm right to be uncomfortable about them

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and in the early stages, everything was perfect, as is the case in most honeymoon phases. But after about the second month, she started acting a strange. We went to a party of my mutual friend and she completely left me and went to go talk to others. I would be fine with that except she went and talked to every guy she could find, and I didn't see her talk to a single girl. She also made a point to touch every single one of them. Nothing major, just a touch on the shoulder or on the arm, but I saw that as flirting.

We had a talk about it and sorted everything out but a little while later, she got touchy with a guy in front of me again. I obviously told her I was still uncomfortable and she said she was sorry and explained it as "I don't have a lot of friends so I use the fact guys might like me to try and make them my friend". I honestly don't know what to make of that.

She's done other things, such as lie to me a lot (which we worked through and she doesn't anymore, or at least to my knowledge), I found out she was talking to her exes a lot, which I said I was uncomfortable with and she said she would stop. I would soon find out she hadn't and was still messaging them on social media. She has since blocked them though. She has recently asked a dude she half knows out for a drink and they wound up going swimming after, though she promises it was purely because she was in need for a friend.

She lives in a small town with a controlling family, works a lot of jobs, doesn't gave a lot of real friends and she barely gets time off to just have fun. I feel bad for her so of course I want to be understanding, but I'm not sure whether or not the stuff she does are red flags or not, because I see where she's coming from and I honestly think her intentions are pure. But her actions are completely against what she says.

Am I crazy, or is this relationship a bad idea?

TL;DR girlfriend acts strange around guys because she doesn't have a lot of friends and idk what to make of it

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Me (25F) mother of 3, wants to leave my children and partner (27M)

I'm a mother to 3 under 3 and have been in a relationship with their father for over 8 years.

My mental health has been all over the place since my mother died over 4 years ago and sister nearly 3 years in February. I wouldn't say I was normally close with them due to being in foster care nearly my entire childhood. But since they are gone and it's just me and my older brother who I'm also not as close to, I regret not trying hard enough when they were here and now the prospect of living however long I've got to be sad. But I wouldn't say my mental health deteriorated out of nowhere, I've kept it under the surface for a long time and only comes out after big life events like te bitrh of my 3rd child in November. I've been in a mother and baby unit since December for severe depression and OCD but all came to a had yesterday when discharge date was set for in 2 weeks where I can't take the idea of my illness affecting how to b a parent and not wanting to be with my partner which I have felt for a long time so I want to walk from his 'toxic cocktail' which I call it. Everyone thinks I'm making a big mistake, my partner is saying is okay not to be with him just as long I com home and b part of a family together bu I think that's messed u. It's not fair on him to bed over backwards to quit his job anbea full time parent with me to help my mental health,I just can't go back

TL;DR: I want to leave my family as my mental health can't deal with staying

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my (18F) dad (50M) makes my life hard

i really need a parent perspective on this. my friends are obviously my age, and are biased to my opinions of whats right and wrong. please try to take what i say as non biased and i want to make this story fair.

cut a long story short to how i got in this situation, both parents (60F/50M) aren’t/werent good parents to me (18F). mum was a mum who put me on diet from age 7, chose what i wear/how i cut my hair/how i dye my hair until age 15, she was a shouty mum and all over just stressful. she kicked me out when i was nearing the end of age 15 saying she’d had enough (also did this to my other two siblings.)

i went to stay at my dads. my dad and i saw each other once a week before this, but we weren’t close. he doesn’t speak to me i don’t speak to him type thing. I spoke to my step mum a lot but then i saw she’d sent a text message to her friend saying how annoying i was- relationship soured lol.

my step mum isn’t from my country and so when covid laws lifted, she went back to her country for 2 weeks at a time, coming back for one week. i’m nearing the end of 16 at this point. In those 2 weeks she was away, my dad told me it was my job to keep the house tidy, as he worked. i said i go to college everyday, get up earlier than him, get home later than him. i don’t want to be cleaning the whole house. he didn’t really listen to me. keep in mind btw, my dad did nothing with me. for my 17th birthday we went to my step mum & his favourite restaurant- a steak house. i’m vegetarian. i’m trying to get across he really just didn’t think about me & i just accepted i didn’t have a relationship with him more than roommates

each morning i’d be given a list of things to do (hoover, mop, clean his bedroom, change his bedding, clean the kitchen, put a wash on) and stuff. i found this stressful bc if i didn’t finish it all in 2 hours he’d just start shouting at me. i don’t take well to being shouted at & close off. days out with my friends ended up being us cleaning the house together- because if it wasn’t clean when he came home he’d shout.

i tried to bring this stress up to my grandparents & my step mum- that he did nothing in the house, left it all to me, including cooking my own food. he gave me no spending money at all, and if took any (with his permission) he’d count it before hand. we didn’t have a father daughter relationship before this, and i didn’t take to him parenting me. he was a stranger, i felt like a live in maid (dramatic, i know.)

this went on for about a year, until i literally couldn’t take the stress of missing my mum, college work & keeping the house as my own- i dropped out of college bc i was falling so far behind. i decided to get a job in this time because i didn’t want to be doing nothing for 4/5 months straight. here i worked about 30 hours a week.

the following year came along & i needed £400 to enrol into the college. i am not close with my dad as i said, so i asked my step mum to ask him about it- about july. she never got back to me.

context again; in May i started to speak to my mother again. we had not spoken at all in 2 years. my dad disliked the fact i was speaking to her again. until august, i wouldn’t go to her house. but then we ended up having a big heart to heart in the car where we got it all out & i ended up sleeping at her house.

i slept at her house for a few nights in a row, maybe a week. i’d text where i was but then i decided they knew were i was, and there wasn’t much point in texting every night. i see now this annoyed them- at the time it was innocent. then in sept, college started back up. my dad decided at this point, he would not pay for my bus pass as for the last 2 weeks, i’d been sleeping at my mums house- so i now lived at hers.

i didn’t feel right asking my mum, a few months into meeting her again for £400. my dad said he’d only pay for half of it as he was split custody now. (he wasn’t, legally, btw.)

my step mum said she’d never stick for that, and that she would give the money back if she were me. so i did. and ended up paying for the bus pass from money i’d saved up from work.

i feel i can’t really forgive my dad for this. i called him nasty names - worst being “part time dad” lol.

i stopped speaking to him when we had a huge argument over this & i basically screamed the house down saying how bad of a dad he was. i left him a letter with my feelings, which he replied back saying it was a “total joke”.

i don’t know. maybe i am biased to think her a bad dad bc my mum told me that growing up. maybe i’m just crazy & he’s acting normal. can someone please just fuckinf tell me

tdlr; dad stops supporting me bc i’m speaking to my mum again. my parents both treated me bad. i don’t know if i’m being dramatic or not

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Confronting a mate about selfish behaviour

Tl;dr: long standing mate has selfish behaviour traits. How do I call him out?

I’ve been mates with one of my friends for over 10 years. He’s my best friend and we get on great, he’s suffered from deep depression throughout this time and he has limited friends so I guess at times I’ve been really accommodating towards him to support and give him a social life (he doesn’t like to venture out of his town, so when I go back to my hometown I always have to travel to visit him, always being the one to suggest doing things outside of his comfort zone (although we rarely do these things), listening and being there for him when he feels down etc.). He has been told by others that he is quite selfish, and I guess it does feel like I’m always the one driving the friendship and more recently it’s certainly felt that way.

I guess I suffer from my own mental health issues and sometimes this can make me withdraw from texting people unless it’s specifically to make plans to meet them. It’s bad as I end up feeling lonely and isolated, and it feels like a tough mental barrier to overcome. I last text my best mate almost 4 months ago, but I feel like I need to text him soon as I miss his presence in my life. What does annoy me is that I know it’s bad I just didn’t reply one day (although our last conversation had fizzled out rather than me just dropping it), but he hasn’t checked in on me at all in that period, despite knowing I can at times go missing when it all gets too much. There have been loads of times that he’s maybe been slow at replying over a couple of weeks, but I’ve always checked in on him to make sure he’s ok.

I plan on texting him today, but at some point I do want to raise with him the fact that as much as I will apologise for ‘ignoring’ him, it’s annoyed me that he has equally decided not to message. Is this a rational approach to take?

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is my (28f) boyfriend (28m) ready for a serious commitment?

hi reddit- i've been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 months now. things are going great- we have so much fun together, have great sexual chemistry, and we love each other. he's there for me when i'm sick or not feeling well, and we've been talking casually about moving in together a year or so from now when my lease is up.

my only concern is this: he's really independent, and i want to see him more than he wants to see me- and it makes me concerned he's not ready for a real, serious commitment. he says he loves me and loves spending time with me, but his ideal amount of time to see me is about 2x a week. my ideal is 4x a week, maybe even 5. he says he needs his alone time to work in the garage, play video games with his friends who live far away, play dnd, and play volleyball. i appreciate that he has his own hobbies- i do too- and i don't want to be his whole world. but i worry that he isn't ready for a serious commitment- living together, possible marriage- if he needs so much alone time and regularly prioritizes things like playing video games with his friends over me. we've talked about it and it feels like there's a path forward, but we also know from past experience that if either of us compromises too much we'll just end up resentful and the situation won't be sustainable. what do you think reddit?

TL;DR my boyfriend only wants to see me 2x a week, but i want to see him 4-5x a week.

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I stress to much when I’m cuddling with a girl

I’m (m23) stressing too much when I’m cuddling with my girl, my heart start beating so fast and I don’t enjoy the moment as much, the first time I’ve experience it was 2 years ago and was the first time I cuddled with a girl, this affects my partner as-well, and stresses me on its self.

When it first happened I didn’t understand why, and my girl thought that I was having feelings to an other girl, but she was my first girlfriend and my first intimate experience, at that moment I thought maybe it’s just the first time, but it didn’t stop each time I’m with her my heart beats so fast and I stress too much.

Now I’m with another girl and still the same problem.

This is starting to effect me so much that I don’t wanna be with someone anymore.

Tldr: is it normal just because I’m not used to be intimate with someone else or is it something else.

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Am I (22M) being ghosted (20F)?

I just started seeing this girl for about a week a half. We've seen each other 3 times and we share a lot of the same interests and get along really well. However, she hasn't responded in 2 days. Our last conversation was 3 nights ago talking about hanging out that night, but then she had something come up and wasn't able to. Since then I got one text early the next morning but radio silence since. I sent her a text later in the day asking how her thing went (since she had something important happening that day that we talked about) but no response either. We follow eachother on instagram and she's (re)posted three stories in that period, so I know that she's at least on her phone a little bit. Am I getting ghosted or is she genuinely just busy/has other stuff on her mind? 2 days isn't a long time but to not have even gotten an acknowledgement that she's seen my text(s) seems a bit much, especially since both of us don't normally have much going on right now.

Also, she accidentally left her makeup at my place which makes me think she wouldn't ghost me (at the very least ask me to return the makeup), but you never know.

Am I just getting anxious over nothing or should I just move on already? Should I send her another message? I still have her makeup as said above and even if she isn't interested anymore I still want to return her makeup. Any help is appreciated!

TLDR: 3 successful dates and randomly no responses for 2 days and I still have her makeup at my place.

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Ex came back after reading the book I wrote

I (25F) met a guy (27M) almost 2 years ago. We were FWB. I fell in love. He met another girl and broke up. Then he came back last summer and left again. On Saturday night I received a text from him after a few months without talking to each other. He told me he had bought my book, that he read it and realized how he messed up with me. He wants to see me because he has questions. I told him I was busy with work until the first week of February but that I’ll answer his questions. I went through “complicated” things with men when I was younger. He knows it because he was my first relationship since what happened. There’s a mention of that in the book. I’m afraid he wants to talk about it. But I don’t get why he’d want to see me again just to talk about that. Oh and I’m still in love with him. What am I supposed to do with that? I’m so lost and confused.

tldr ; my ex who ghosted me wants to see me after reading my book

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I'm worried about our future together, am I right to be concerned? - RE Money

I've been with my girlfriend for around 6 years now, but at this point I'm struggling mentally as I really don't know if I'm overthinking things, especially as I was diagnosed with Autism and OCD during my late adult life. Here's the thing... Every weekend I drive 25 miles to pick her up, 25 miles to bring her back to mine to spend time with me, 25 miles back again for her work beginning of the week and 25 miles back to mine. She does drive as both her and her mum use the same car, but at no point as she ever come down to see me. ( I do what I do to spend time with her as much as possible ).

When my Car broke down I asked if she would come down to me, she was less than forthcoming and it was put off to the point my car was fixed and it went back to me picking her up again. But something has happened recently which has really hit home. A friend of her family recently passed away and for someone living at home with her parent, does a small job and gets benefits *at the time* she was given around £150,000.

Visiting her again this time in the week, she promptly asked me if I could "DRIVE" her to a town down her way which was around 20 miles, so she could sell something. I said no I couldn't, as that would mean I'd have to drive a total of over 100 miles in one day and why she couldn't use her car. I asked if she would pay for petrol and I'd happily do it, and all she said was I'd buy you lunch. Even her mum was a little put off by her driving the car. I mean seriously what does it take for her to drive? And what's wrong with helping with petrol, is £150,000 not enough?

She ended up driving because she had to sell something and I put it to her why doesn't she get her own car! She'd have the freedom to drive anywhere she wouldn't have to quibble over who was using the car at the time and she'd be able to visit me on occasions of a weekend ( We'd take it in turns ). The result was a resounding "NO" because she's put all money into other accounts ( to make interest off within the year ) and ONLY has £12,000 in the bank.

I'm really struggling myself financially, every time I have savings it's gone on bills and repairs, I pay all those miles of driving because I care about her and want to see her, I drive around my area too when I pick her up, 90% of the time I pay for dinner. Even though she has on occasions in the past asked if I wanted money towards something ( never petrol ) I'd say NO. Yet if I said the same to her, say she bought lunch or dinner she'd say oh just give me such and such money. Anything she does buy I'm always waiting for the just give me some money.

In fact there was one point she saw something really nice on Ebay and said would you like this? I said yes that looks cool, she said ok you can pay me back the £3 later. I've even been told I should GET another job if I'm struggling. While she was doing a small job, living with her parent(s), making money off commissions at times and on benefits ( medical reasons ).

I have around £1000 in the bank, get around £500- £700 a month and that's to go on such things as council tax, electric bills, food, water bills, internet, mobile phone, car bills and petrol. I spend around £30-40 a week on petrol. And can only afford to have the heating on at the weekends ( it costs around £11 a day by 7am in the morning ( 70's storage heaters ). While she lives with her parent(s), pays a little towards upkeep(?), has £150,000 or was it £12,000 now and is worried about spending any of it.

Her dad was a **** I overheard him saying be careful of that "bloke of yours" when you get the Money, yet I've NEVER asked for any of it, In fact even in the past before all this you'd hear me say I'll buy this I don't want your money. How can someone with £1000 in the bank be struggling as much as someone with £150,000 who lives at home with her parent, I don't understand it :(. I'm really worried about our future together, I love her so so much. But being Autistic this is pushing me to the brink!

**TL;DR; : Girlfriend has come into a lot of Money, but is it wrong to expect more financial input into the relationship especially when she acts as if she is struggling?**.

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My (23F) LDR Boyfriend (25M) Breaks Up With Me and It's a Lot More Than Just a Breakup, I don't know what to do

A couple days ago me (23F) and my boyfriend (25M) just ended our long distance relationship. Just to give a background information we met on a dating app back at 2020, we had communication on a daily basis, and we began meeting each other in person in early 2022. Since then, we met each other a couple times, mostly him visiting me to my country, until December 2022 (our last trip).

Along the way we had a lot of arguments. I caught him once talking too over-friendly with a girl friend back from his uni - he denies it at first, telling me that he was just saying happy birthday to her, but long story short the chat was more than that. He got a bit nostalgic, used a lot of emojis on his chat - which made me jealous and disappointed. A couple weeks before coming over to my country to see me for the first time, he was also traveling to several countries as well and this is where the other problems start to arise. He also met a girl during this trip - in which he exchanged IG and phone number, but when I confronted him about it about this girl, he proceeded to block me from all of his social medias. I was reluctant to meet him at this point, but he apologized and convinced me to 'meet for the weekend to see where things go', since we've been together for almost 2 years. Even a couple days before meeting me, and even after I finally bought my tickets, after unblocking me there's another girl on his IG (which he said she was the one wanting to take pictures with him since he's a tourist), in which I was feeling extremely devastated. Months after, during our trip at his home country, and also after meeting his family too, I also found out that he's been talking to an ex coworker that he had, and he's been maintaining the chat, intensely and on a personal level, with her for over 6 months. They were exchanging photos with each other, even on the point after meeting me for the first time. He said he was sorry. In the last couple months, he'd also mention a specific female work colleague at his current place a lot of times, even meeting 1-on-1 for drinks, cycling trips etc, and he'd tell me to be okay with this new boundary of his.

I hold on to all these issues all along, since there's always a new girl everywhere he goes, until to a certain point I can't take it anymore and I became explosive. I'd throw temper tantrums, cry, and it shatters both of us. I, myself, has never felt this much "rage" and I kept being permissive since he kept giving me reassurance that none of these events will ever going to happen again. At times of angry, sometimes I'd also sometimes become shut myself down - I won't respond to anything that he'd say/ask, sometimes I'd walk out. Sometimes he'd walk out too, leaving me.

After these events I began to realize I became more interrogative, overthink, having more trust issues especially when he's out, and I do bring up these past events in arguments, which I know must've hurt him too in the process.

Weeks later after our last trip, which was a couple days ago, he finally came to a conclusion that we should break up because I'm still the same person and how I also cannot take his new boundaries that he wants to feel free in the relationship. Hours later after we broke up, he removed me from all social medias I know, except for WhatsApp. Which is justifiable due to breaking up, but then I realized there's a girl that he follows right after removing all the traces of us. It broke me to pieces.

Need advice(s).. What I should do?

TL;DR! What should I do after LDR breakup

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* This article was originally published here

How we met: ‘She was really intelligent – and the most beautiful woman I’d ever met’

Tertia, 58, and Adam, 57, met at an opera conference in Philadelphia in 1997. They now live together in London with their daughter

When Tertia was awarded a Churchill fellowship in 1997 to research music education in primary schools, she was delighted. The fund gave her the chance to travel to the US for eight weeks. “As an opera singer, it was a really exciting project,” she says. “There were lots of opera education programmes in the US at the time, which is why I wanted to go there and explore. I began writing to different companies to find out more about their work.”

As part of her project planning, she contacted Adam, who was the director of education at the San Diego Opera. “I asked him what was on and where I could stay if I visited,” she says. “He was very polite in his response, but didn’t answer my specific questions, which made me think he was a bit of an idiot. I later realised they just had so much on, there wasn’t a specific time for me to go.”

Continue reading...

* This article was originally published here

Girl I’m talking to slept with someone else, do I drop her?

Girl (20F) I’ve been talking to for about a month told me she hooked up with a guy at a party a couple nights ago and idk how to handle it.

We talked about how we don't think we should be exclusive yet about a week ago, since we live far from each other, also we hadn't been talking that long yet wanted to give it some more time.

Since that convo I feel like things have excelated between us, started feeling more like we were dating or should be exclusive at least. But we never had a conversation about it. She always talked about how upset she’d be if she found out I got with another girl, and how she's not interested in talking to anyone else etc.

She called me yesterday asking if we were exclusive, and if I want to be exclusive. I told her we weren't officially since we never had another follow up convo about it but that we probably should, which resulted in her bursting into tears and confessing that she got with someone else. But that it didn't mean anything and blah blah blah.

I'm pretty upset with her but I almost feel like I shouldn't be since like I said we weren't technically exclusive. Now she's telling me she wants to be exclusive, but idk it feels weird to me to just be like "yup alright, you f**ked another guy and I found out I didn't like that so I guess we're dating now"

I want to give it a chance, but part of me feels like I should just drop her and not potentially waste my time. Any advice?

TL;DR: The girl I’m talking to hooked up with someone else, but we weren’t officially exclusive yet so idk what to do.

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* This article was originally published here

I'm (24M) stuck in a situation-ship (21F) with best friends vibe and no intimacy

Hi folks,

I'm virgin,24M and I'm stuck in this very complex long distance relationship (21F) and at the moment I really don't know what to do anymore.

Full story:

I had a crush on a friend of one of my friends on Instagram and we occasionally chatted there till we got more serious and then we started to video call each other 24/7 for one whole month. She was giving me all kinds of sexy hints and also we talked about everything like we are best friends. We both live in Europe so I travelled there (3h) to finally meet her. But she was very cold in person and despite giving a hint about even showering together in the video calls, she didn't even allow me to touch her hands. I was so in love but I couldn't do anything so for one week I stayed there and literally did nothing but just go on dates with her and on each date she just kept talking about her exes and traumas and problems. When I asked her about us, she became angry and very defensive about it and said "we just met", And I was thinking to myself "then what about the whole fucking month of 24/7 video calls"

Long story short, I returned home and we're still going on everyday video calls and it's been 3 months. I help her with everything and Tbh sometimes when she is in a good mood she does seem to be interested in me, but she always talks about her problems, her depression and her past toxic relationships. I feel lost but also I love her and I know that she is really going through a really hard time now and she's suicidal, I'm always hoping that if she eventually comes out of this mess, we will become emotionally and sexually active. But I'm getting tired of waiting forever and also I don't think it's morally right to leave somebody when they're in their worst situation but that's also ruining my mental health.

She doesn't even give me a single compliment while I'm showering her with compliments and love and she always talks about her past sexual experiences and one-night stands with other boys which also makes me insecure because I feel like I'm not attractive enough for her that after all this time we still didn't have anything close to sexual. I even asked her recently whether she has friend-zoned me or not but she said no and she said we need to just wait until eventually we become bf/gf and don't want to put a label on it.

I don't know how much I should wait because I'm very emotional so I'm suffering at the moment. Am I really the one in a hurry?

I skipped lots of details because it's already very long but feel free to ask me any questions.

TL;DR: I'm in a very complex LDR with a girl with lots of personal problems for 3 months, I also met and stayed with her for one week, 2 months ago after a month of 24/7 video calls with lots of flirts but she didn't allow me to touch her hands in person. Nowadays she gives me a best friend vibe instead of a girlfriend because she always talks about her problems, past sexual experiences and one-night stands with other boys, and basically everything but doesn't give me any compliments or flirts nor hints of anything sexual/romantic so I'm getting tired but I feel like that I can't leave while she's in her worst situation.

Thanks a lot!

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* This article was originally published here

26M struggling to keep up with 26F financial situations

Hi all, as the title says I’m struggling with money at the money due to being made redundant a missing a few months of income. I have since landed another job but am yet to recoup any loss of earnings. My gf doesn’t live a lavish lifestyle by any means but she doesn’t know how to budget. She works full time as do I, there always comes a time where she asks for money to help pay towards things - while I’m all for helping her where I can, some of these expenses are completely unnecessary (expensive supermarkets vs cheaper alternatives, tattoos, eating out and other luxuries).

I find myself having to go without just to send over the odd £50 to her, it’s starting to make me resentful as I’ve had to sacrifice basics to help her pay for her own expenses.

I’m not sure how to tackle this as I don’t want to seem like I don’t want to help, but when there’s no money in the pot it puts me in an awkward situation!

TL;DR girlfriends spending can be out of our budget and I’m having to pay the difference

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* This article was originally published here

Is my (28 f) husband (31 m) secretly gay/bi ?

First of all I wanna say that English is my third language and that we live in Europe. So if you don’t understand something, feel free to ask me for clarifications.

Hi everyone, I (28 f) have been married for two years and my husband (31 m) is a hair dresser (this is not why I am posting this). He lived for 15 years with a gay guy who’s 5 years older than my husband, when they met, my husband had left the family house to go to the big city, he was only 14-15 years old and met his gay best friend at a teenagers center/home (I don’t know if there is an equivalent in the US). After that, they moved together as roommates, and have been roommates even when I met him (only they were 3, the gay best friend got married, and for financial reasons my husband had to stay with them). For 15 years my mother in law was worried for him, and for all these years she thought my husband and his best friend were dating, she found it odd that they would move out from a place and moved in together in a new one every time. My husband was very secretive and nobody knew his best friend was gay, my husband never told anyone. Later on when I discovered that his best friend was gay and my husband told his family that he kept it a secret because he was loyal to his best friend (his best friend never came out to his own family let alone my husband’s family) my husband also said he himself felt ashamed, why ? Because he left the family house at 15 and his parents were against it, he comes from a poor family and wanted to be successful in the city, he had ambitions and for him living with a gay person would attract moqueries and would mean that he was struggling financially and had no choice but to live with a gay man.

Now that you have the context here is why I am posting this and asking you for advice and your views: My husband kept that secret for 15 years I lived with them when I got married to him one month/2 because I was working out of the city and I couldn’t afford to pay two rents, and when I tell you I never knew his best friend was gay and he was married to the other guy I NEVER knew. I started to have my doubts because my mother in law told me about HER doubts and I asked my husband : 1- are you gay ? 2- is your best friend gay? 3- have you been in a relationship with him ? He answered no each time and it was very early on that we had this conversation and at that time I didn’t know when he was lying. It was a shock to me when I discovered his best friend was gay because I wondered what else my husband was hiding from me ? And what was happening between them for 13 years (before his best friend got married). I have read couple of articles that can help you spot the signs that your spouse is gay/bisexual, I am not gonna lie I am kinda desperate and having a serious conversation about all of this had become very difficult for me and I can’t even initiate it tbh. At an intimacy level, my husband was not able to « finish », he would always use his hand, it only got better when we moved out and had our own place, I think it helped a lot to build our intimacy. Our sex life is at its best right now, we are both very satisfied. However there are two things that early on in our relationship he told me he enjoyed : his nipples being licked and his prostate being massaged. I really don’t know if it’s common among heterosexual men and it kinda makes me wonder again. I also wanna note that they shared the same bed when they were roommates sometimes because they could only afford a one bedroom house but even when they moved in a bigger appartement they would still have the same bed so I don’t know what to think.

In these situations I know I should trust my guts but I really don’t know how to start the conversation with my husband.

TL;DR : is living with a gay man for 13 years, sometimes sharing the same bed, keeping his secret from your family and friends and enjoying some « gayish » sexual practices make you gay/bisexual ?

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* This article was originally published here

My girlfriend (F22) feels I (F24) wasn’t supportive enough of her at a relatives funeral

So my girlfriend [22] and I [24] have been dating for a couple of months now. Shortly into us dating she found out her grandmother was very unwell and she recently passed away. When she found out the date of the funeral I had plans on the day before (when she would travel back home) and work the next day so it seemed unlikely I could go, not to mention I’ve hardly met her family so didn’t feel it was my place to go. I offered to her that I could cancel my plans but she said not to worry. The night before she was leaving to go back home she begins arguing with me that I haven’t been supportive enough and that I should’ve pushed more to come and support her at the funeral, straight away I offer to cancel everything and come with her. After a few hours of back and forth of her telling me she doesn’t want me there she finally gives in and let’s me come with her. We travel up and everything is fine the day before, then on the day of the funeral I’m there to support her every step of the way, it was a hard day for her family but I did what I could to help. On the train home she is in an awful mood with me and goes on to say that I wasn’t supportive enough on the journey to the funeral, apparently even her brother asked why I wasn’t comforting her in the car. I felt that if she needed me she would ask me and I’d been holding my hand out for her but she didn’t take it. In the church I didn’t comfort her as were gay and I feel uncomfortable being openly affectionate around people I don’t know, especially if they’re religious. I feel awful knowing that I’ve made her day harder for her in anyway and that I haven’t been supportive enough. I suffer from panic disorders/health anxiety so I often get into my own head, especially at something like a funeral but it wasn’t an excuse to not be more supportive. Any advice for how I can make it up to her? Or whether she’s asking too much of me?

TL;DR - my girlfriend thinks I wasn’t supportive enough at her relatives funeral because I didn’t ask if she was okay or hold her on the journey

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* This article was originally published here

I (28F) am losing my love (27F) and I don't know what to do

I (28F) think I've hit rock bottom. I've been best friends with K (27F) for 14 years now, and have been in love with her for 11 of them. We have a long history, she's gotten me through a lot, and I truly owe her everything I am today. We actually went to the same college, but there was never really a good time for me to confess. She's aggressively workaholic, and has always been laser focused on her work, so telling her that her best friend who, at the time had a minor drug problem, is in love with her wasn't fair.

I always thought when we graduate I'll tell her and she'd at least give me a chance. Everything happened way too fast next, this guy J (28M now, 24M then) asked her out, fuck knows why but she said yes. He was her exact opposite, didn't work, always drunk, can't hold down a job, gets into fights, and is extremely controlling. At the time she believed and I quote "he's always mad because he has been treated poorly by everyone". At the time K and I lived together, but J moved in with her after 6 months so I left, and then he stopped working altogether. She'd still been adamant that he's misunderstood and "needs someone to believe in him".

He got emotionally abusive first, would break things and shout when she's late, if she got mad he'd apologize like his life depends on it and she'd forgive him. At the time K didn't share any of this, and why would she I hated the guy. She wasn't allowed any "friends" because if she loves him she doesn't need "anyone else". Nonetheless, K told him he has to get used to me, but other than that, she slowly withdrew from everyone. Things got bad in an year, he forced himself on her and ultimately begged her to forgive him. That's the first time I was told about the behind-the-scenes of this relationship. I told her to leave him, but she's stupidly fucking kind, so she forgave him. Fast forward to two years ago, he got physical, she got scared, left him and came to my apartment. When she explained what happened I got livid and went to tell him to pack his bags, it was stupid and irrational but at the time, I was completely done with this. I went there and he threw some shit at me which became the formal end of their relationship as I got (a little) hurt. Everything in her apartment is monitored (his idea, fuck knows why), so it was decided that he'd never show us his face again given that we let this go. She then moved in with me, and she's been in therapy ever-since.

There are things that I don't know about their relationship, but slowly, she's shutting down. Nothing has happened since then. She was great the first few months, but it's been a year and she's shut down. We have the best living arrangements, nobody comes to our place as she gets anxious, I don't ask her to go out or anything, she goes to work and comes back, I do all the grocery runs, I keep things exactly the way she wants (she's extremely neat), I even learned to cook because she's not a take-out kind of person. I don't know what I've done wrong, she doesn't even talk to me. I don't ask her anything about the past, I don't even flirt or joke around with her anymore, I don't touch her because I don't want her to feel like someone else is intruding her space, fuck I even sit away from her. Sometimes when I get home, I see her talking to her younger sister S (23F), that's the only time she seems like her old self. Most nights I hear her cry in her room, but she never talks to me. We're both in the tech sector and she's fucking brilliant, so we used to discuss work a lot. Now? absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm more in love with her now, and she doesn't even want me as a friend anymore. A month ago, K, out of absolutely nowhere, got me a date with her colleague (L) because I should "live my life". She's well aware I don't date, and she knows I hate being set up. But I was desperate to talk to her, so I went on this stupid date, and told L I'm in love with someone else. We had a great dinner, and that was it. When I got back home, I was about to tell her how it went but she "isn't interested". I feel done, I'm thinking of telling her everything and then just going our separate ways. I've always been content with just being her friend, but this resentment of hers towards me is killing me. What should I do? What can be done?

TLDR:

I'm in love with my best friend of 14 years and she's acting resentful towards me for no reason. I don't know what to do.

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* This article was originally published here

I [35M] have to divorce my wife [34F] due to a very strange situation

I need to vent a bit so here goes.

My wife gave birth to our first born, a daughter, in November. Shortly after this, like 4-5 days, she tells me she got a message from a work friend of hers that he thinks the baby might be his. She tells him that's impossible, they haven't had sex. Apparently he had sex with her when she was blackout drunk at a party.

Initially I was skeptical. She couldn't guarantee they didn't have sex that night. She ended up showing me the texts she had with him on her own initiative, where he basically confessed to non-consensual sex without realizing he did. She was non-responsive, "like a dead fish", he thought it was terrible.

Basically we thought he must have made it up. This guy started harassing her, came to our door, sent her a million texts and calls etc. So we said we'd order a home DNA test, and send it for analysis, because that would be definitive proof.

She said this guy is a person she hardly knows except for some work parties (which I doubt because I've seen his name in her caller ID many times). Also, she wouldn't have carried the baby to term if she had doubts about whose child it was. I believe that, because she was very happy about becoming a mom. She's not a good enough liar to pretend that well for 9 months. Also, she's never been a very sexual person except the last few years with me, we've had a lot of trouble in that area that we started to resolve recently. I doubt that she'd be sleeping with some guy on the side, especially when he isn't her type at all (he's short and blonde, she likes tall guys with dark hair).

So I believed her side of the story, and perhaps still find it reasonable that the sex was non-consensual because that's what the guy himself said. I told her if we were to get through this and all I had to go on was her word, she needed to be totally straight with me from now on and share all communication that they had, written or otherwise. That was my stipulation for continuing the relationship.

Before Christmas I came home and she and the baby were gone. But all their stuff was still there, so considering we have a crazy guy who's stalking her I got very worried. I tried to call her but her cellphone was still there. I picked up the phone to see if it had any leads about where she was, and it was a text from the guy. He talked about how it was bad she was having an operation on the 23rd of December and said he wanted to accompany her to the hospital. Turns out, she was just visiting a neighbor.

I asked her about this, and she said she told him she was getting an operation so he'd leave her alone for Christmas. That's reasonable enough I figured. However I was supposed to see all their communication, so I asked to see the Messenger convo. She then blankly refused, said I don't believe her, and that sharing it would be like another assault. So we nearly divorced then and there, but I said we could talk about it in therapy but this was a serious breach of my trust. I didn't leave her because I thought her explanation for the recent texts was reasonable. Still I told her I wonder what is so bad about that conversation that she's willing to burn her life to the ground to hide it. In therapy the therapist basically said that she needed to figure out a way to share what we agreed she'd share.

Anyway so on Friday I went to her inlaws after working a week back home. She and the baby stayed there after Christmas and were supposed to come home with me on sunday. My birthday was on sunday, so she shared some pictures she took the week before Christmas at a professional photographer of her and the baby. She wondered which picture I wanted for my birthday.

The last picture she had cropped out a bit at the bottom, but she hadn't been accurate enough. I saw the top of the guy's head, next to her head in an embrace. At least two photos he was in. For me, the relationship died that very moment.

She claimed that he had just showed up there, and she wanted him to leave, so she took some photos with him to give him what he wanted. I told her I may have turned out to be gullible, but I'm not that gullible. The guy who forced you to sex shows up, and you fear for your and your baby's security, so you take pictures where you hug him? Nah, sorry. So, it's over.

I booked a hotel, and flew home on sunday. She's staying at a friends place (well, I doubt it). We have a therapist session booked on wednesday but it's just the formality we have to do to start the divorce proceedings.

The only thing I don't understand, is why? Why burn your whole life to the ground for a guy you don't seem to like, and who you're not interested in? I know she's just leave me if she wanted to be with someone else. I don't understand the reasoning behind risking a 13 year relationship and having to raise a kid as a divorced parent for whatever they were doing.

No matter why, or what they have been doing, it's the constant lying which is why I'm leaving her. Even if she was cheating with him, if she had admitted to it early and been totally transparent going forward, I could work past that. But when she's lying to my face while hanging out with him while I'm at work, I'll never be able to trust her ever again.

She claims I don't know what it's like being stalked, and she did this unreasonable thing just to try to get him to stop. Considering she hasn't worked very hard to prove this story, I doubt it. She must be completely insane I guess, because no logical reason seems apparent. My main theory so far is maybe she used him as a friend who wanted to be more than friends to get gifts and money, because she has suddenly had more money the past year. But then he got frustrated, and took advantage. Then she's trying to keep it going now, thinking she can play me for a fool.

He knows about me too. He knows she's with me and that they aren't in a relationship. He doesn't seem like he wants to be the father of the kid either, just wants to be registered as the dad I guess? I don't know, it's all very confusing.

tl;dr: A seemingly crazy guy says he's our baby's father, I tell wife I need total transparency, she withholds information and apparently has been hanging out with him when I was at work. Getting a divorce.

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Am I overthinking this?

Tl;dr my boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and I need help.

So my boyfriend (25m) makes comments about my (22f) weight a lot and I don’t know what to do

For background, when we first met I was overweight but have since lost 3 stone and plan on losing a little more. He made a comment when we first started dating that has stuck with me since - ‘you’re not that fat’ - and when I said that was a horrible thing to say he didn’t understand this. For Christmas one of my presents from him was a sports top of the team I support, but he brought it 4 sizes too small. He said it was a mistake and that he didn’t look at the size but when I left the room to put it away I overheard him say to his friends that it was more of a target for me and then laughed about it. Obviously this has stuck with me along with all other comments but I need help in how I explain all of this to me and how it makes me feel without it seeming like I’m starting an argument. It’s really getting me down. Am I overthinking this or is he in the wrong?

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Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling - cleveland.com

Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling  cleveland.com

* This article was originally published here

Is it okay to have "conditions to be fulfilled" in a romantic relationship?

31, F, in an LDR with 30, M since a year almost. We live in India. He dropped out of college and has been trying to establish himself in the food business with limited success. I'm a doctor with 2 degrees, looking to earn my 3rd. Our qualification and career mismatch, his slight lack of refinement and imperfect command of English were reasons that made me hesitate to get into a relationship in the beginning, otherwise we had very similar minds, hearts, views and long term goals. I told him about my hang ups- he promised to work on getting a remote career and a degree or 2 before we can "get serious"- officially tell our families etc. The dating pool and open minded people are non existent where we live before you berate us for contemplating a seemingly incompatible pairing. I was hesitant the first few months- we live 3 hours apart by road, get to see each other approx once in 2 weeks and don't have many common hobbies or interests to make a lot of solid conversation besides playful stuff.

At 3 months of dating I fell sick once when he was visiting, he took a day off and stayed to look after me and that made me realize that the way he cares for me is far more valuable in a partner and cannot be easily found and I committed to him mentally. It's been a fun year with many good memories made together but I've been a bit scared to grow and pursue my goals in the fear of leaving him behind. He is my closest friend and confidante. We are each other's best friends- two sensitive introverts who've opened up to each other.

I've determined to be more disciplined this year and I already see a difference. He has again agreed to recommit to finding a remote career and achieve financial stability so that we can "go forward". I DO NOT want to end up being the sole/ major bread winner in this relationship. We both are spendthrift and enjoy good things- so without good careers we'll soon end up in the streets. The expectation to have a better career and education seem reasonable on the surface- but is it too much to ask of him or unfair to him? I'm starting to feel "reality biting" coz he hasn't been motivated to do much this past year. A deadline was set- within this year, if no progress is made, likely to break up in 2024.

Tl;dr: I suddenly feel like a bad person coz maybe my love is conditional. I don't know!!

Wise counsel please?

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* This article was originally published here

Is this waitress (F) flirting with me who is a semi-regular (M20) at a bar?

Now before everyone says “of course she’s flirting with you for tips!”, hear out my predicament. Throwaway account because some people know my main real Reddit account.

About a year ago I (M20) become this semi-regular at this local pub very very close to my home, most of the waitresses there know me and don’t even check my ID (I’m in Canada, BC where you have to be 19 to drink) when I go there.

This waitress F-20s who served me a few times served me a few times as per usual, nothing unusual at all. But eventually I got busy with school and work and didn’t really go there as often, however whenever I did manage to go there one time and inevitably got another waitress, this particular waitress in question would always find some time to come to greet me, even though I could clearly see she was busy (like I mean the bar was PACKED).

Anyway only a few months ago one time, I find some time to squeeze into the bar and the waitress served me. At one point, she came up to me and told me her name and then asked for mine. Obviously I gave her my name, but then she shook my hand. Okay, kinda weird but whatever. I humor her with the handshake and tip her the usual amount.

Tonight I manage to squeeze in more time to the bar (I’ve been busy with more school and work) and the waitress (who isn’t even serving me, it’s a different waitress), comes up to me and asks how my New Year was. Again I humor her and tell her it was just a quiet boring New Year’s Eve. She then proceeds to tell me how her New Year’s was. After the brief quick exchange, she places her hand on my bicep (I’m wearing a leather jacket and I’m not even particularly “big” / muscular at all).

Now sure, she’s attractive but I’m honestly not sure if she’s just being friendly because I’m a regular and she’s familiar with me or if she’s just being flirty because that’s just who she is.

TL;DR: waitress is being very friendly, more then her job actually requires (ie tips) and even when when she’s not serving me.

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* This article was originally published here

My (34M) wife (34F) yelled at me at my in-laws

Crossposting this here to seek advice on my situation:

Hi,

So I have been staying at my in-laws for the holidays with my wife of 9 years and my 18 month old kid. We packed in a hurry for the visit and I forgot to keep her work laptop charger (I did keep her work laptop). She had asked me to pack our work stuff while she was packing other stuff. We both work remotely and today was our first day back at work. She completely freaked out today when we couldn't find her charger this morning and yelled at me in front of her brother (and other relatives who were upstairs but within earshot). I accepted my mistake and tried calming her down but her rant went on for several minutes. I whispered her to please not make a scene in front of her family but it was no use. I tried hooking up my Macbook charger to her laptop (which also had a USB C power input) and it worked which finally diffused the situation. Later on when we were alone I calmly tried to reason with her that it was not right to bash me in front of everybody and that it was honest mistake and that I should have been more mindful but it did not warrant such a response. She continued her rant and said her reaction was completely justified and that she had a meeting which she had to miss. We haven't had a chance to speak about this again since we've been busy with the baby and other stuff happening around here but I'm kind of sad and upset about what happened (although I'm not showing it).

There's a lot of other similar stuff that has been happening in our relationship lately which has me super worried but I'll leave that for later posts.

Would appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

TLDR: Wife of 9 years yelled at me at my in-laws, within earshot of others, for forgetting to pack her work laptop charger.

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* This article was originally published here

Should I stay friends with this person?

While it might have been a friendship in the beginning, it has turned into tolerating her existence for the sake of entertainment.

I [30F] met this girl [27F] a few years ago and we quickly formed a connection. We shared a common interest and she seemed friendly and approachable, always with a big smile on her face. Not gonna lie, we have had some good memories together.

Time has shown that there was nothing but vapidity behind that Hollywood smile. She's the laziest, most entitled person I've ever met, but I have never even insinuated that in front of her. Found her first real job at 27 (saying real because she did some light manual labor for around a week before that) and was spending her parent's money while cosplaying as a student. She has officially been a student for a long, long time, with no diploma in sight. And her failure has never been her fault. Either the exams were extremely hard or the professor hated her. She would try to convince me that she had actually been studying hard for the exam, just to give up and not show up. Apparently taking accountability wasn't one of the classes. I know she's full of shit because I graduated from the same Uni in my early twenties while maintaining a few part-time jobs and having a beyond messed up situation at home. Meanwhile, she did absolutely nothing with her life, aside from watching anime and mooching off her parents and friends. Just to make it perfectly clear, she didn't have trouble finding a job; she didn't even try.

My husband and I always paid for her food and drinks, without complaining. Her way of showing gratitude was very peculiar. So, we are not doing very well financially right now and she started working a few months ago. One of the first things she said upon arriving to our house party the other day was: "Look at this poverty! You're rolling your own cigarettes!" I'm not anyone's doormat, but I pick my battles because confrontation exhausts me. Basically, if I value you, you will know how I feel. If I don't really respect you, I will let it slide because your opinion is irrelevant. This doesn't apply to random strangers being rude to me or my loved ones, then I have no problem arguing or even getting in a physical altercation. My stance is that making fun of someone's poverty or looks is hitting the rock bottom and an undeniable proof of moral destitution.

It became obvious to me that this girl was deeply unsatisfied with her life and therefore tried to boost her self-esteem by putting others down and sabotaging them. I like bragging about my little sister because she is a prodigy in her field and my friend responded very condescendingly: "Well, at least you have a bachelor's degree." The same bachelor's degree she's been "trying" to obtain for the past 8 years. When I was trying to quit smoking, she kept convincing me that I wouldn't be able to do it. I did continue smoking, but what is more important: you getting some weird, borderline sadistic satisfaction from predicting the future or supporting your friend in making a positive change? When I decided to pursue a Master's degree because I wanted to have another purpose in life aside from work, she said the stupidest thing I've ever heard: "There are much better ways to spend your time". When I informed her I started dating someone online, while revealing nothing or very little, she violently expressed her view that it was delusional and doomed to fail. That man became my husband.

I believe there are more failures than successes in an average person's life. Sometimes there is only one way to succeed and a million ways to fail. If you randomly guess "fail", that will most likely be the correct answer, but statistics doesn't make you wise. She is one of those people who proudly say "I told you so", even when she hasn't backed up her opinion with a coherent explanation.

I think she finds great joy in her more successful friends being degraded. Petty stuff, but here it is. We were out and I was dressed pretty gym-y because I was in the middle of moving and had almost no clothes at my current place. She gave me a t-shirt, that was nice. Two older men approached us and the one I had the pleasure to talk to had some nasty remarks about my looks, commenting on the way I was dressed and touching my stomach. I removed myself from the situation asap. She said nothing, but continued to flirt with the other grandpa she clearly wasn't interested in. Once we were on Omegle and the random stranger we were talking to told me something like: "Shut up, I wanna talk to your pretty friend". She took that as a compliment and laughed. Yet, when another random Omegler insulted her (possibly something about her looking way older), I lost my shit and yelled at the guy.

She is also an incredibly terrible listener, but can talk your ear off. Once I was sharing a secret I'd kept from her for years because it was kind of a touchy subject, when she cut me off and started talking about something random. I would say her emotional and social intelligence are extremely low. She also doesn't know how to choose her audience and introduce the other person to her passion (anime). I don't watch it, but she talks about it like I'm an expert, going into specific details, quoting characters in Japanese, which I don't understand. Even my other friend, who also loves anime, was confused and uncomfortable talking to her. The other friend was also telling me about anime, but in a very mature way, letting me actually relate to some topics and compare them to shows I watch. I was able to have a conversation and develop some curiosity, instead of listening to a half an hour podcast.

It's almost impossible to have a deep conversation with her due to her superficiality and lack of understanding. She's very quick to dismiss someone's feelings and even quicker to give unsolicited advice, which is kinda funny because she hasn't struggled a day in her life and has a very limited experience with relationships. I don't think she's intellectually disabled, but definitely emotionally stunted, as if she hasn't aged a day past high school. Add some maliciousness stemming from insecurities to the mix and you get the whole picture.

tl;dr A grown friend is acting disrespectful and immature

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* This article was originally published here

My (30f) late husband (42m) passed away 2 months ago, I found a man(36m) who is really into me but I feel guilty.. am I wrong for finding a partner so soon?

(30f) met my husband (42m) in April 2019....within 7 months we started dating, made it official, got engaged and got married. It was a beautiful love at first sight kind of story. I knew I would marry him the second I laid eyes on him. Everything we did for each other, and our ridiculously passionate relationship made me feel like he was the only one I could ever love. We had so much love for each other. Which was rare for him because he was your typical "badboy' who did not often reveal his emotions. Now while our relationship was amazing.. it was also filled with traumatic periods of time. We had met in a recovery home he was an addict for 20 years or so and I was for 5 years. So unfortunately relapse was part of our story and ultimately our downfall.

I have so many conflicted emotions when it comes to my late husband.. I feel sadness that he passed away, anger that he left me, that also appreciation for the time I had with him and thankfulness that I got to meet him and feel a love I never felt before. I will never regret our story. My husband passed on Halloween this past year 2022. I feel like it destroyed me. I'm still broken. The pain I feel in my heart about losing him is the most intense and depressing feeling I have ever felt. And I have gone through a lot in my lifetime. So I wanted a little distraction, and someone to touch to get that intimacy and attention I had with my husband. I went on a dating site mid-December and within 30 minutes of downloading it I had a bunch of messages but one man (36m) stuck out to me. He is an extremely attractive man, and very good at communication so we talked on the phone and texted a lot. I knew I just wanted him as a distraction so used his looks as the basis for our connection. I didn't feel anything from him because I am still deeply in love with my husband, but as me and this new man talked I started realizing he is a man who would be good for me. He gives good advice, seems honest, and best part he's not an addict, but he is willing to help me along my recovery. These are amazing qualities that really would be good for me. So two weeks later brings us to today and now I am holding a lot of guilt towards the situation. Before it was a superficial attraction that I didn't think anything of besides the fact that I knew people would judge me, and when I met my husband, there was an instant bond that I knew was going to go far, I didn't necessarily get that with this new man right away but now I'm starting to actually have feelings for him. When feeling started popping up the realization that this could go somewhere started making me feel like I should back away. I feel bad that I'm allowing another man in, I feel bad that I keep comparing him to the man of my dreams( my late husband), and feel like I'm letting down my husband and his family. I feel like it's very soon and my emotions are going back and forth. Part of me wants to see where this can go, yet the other half of me feels like I'm a bad person for finding someone so soon. I just wonder what I should do.. should I take a step back?? Maybe try to take it slow even though we'd have to go backwards because we're ready further than intended?? I just really don't know what to do or what to feel..

TL;DR: I had an intense connection with my late husband who passed away two months ago. I recently met a new man who I didn't feel that intense connection with right away I just felt lust. Now I'm starting to actually have real feelings for him and it is terrifying me and causing me so much guilt. I know it's normal to have all these feelings but how do I manage them? Am I a bogus person for going for a new man only a few months after he passed? I feel so bad and conflicted....

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* This article was originally published here

When those closest to me (friends and family), feel inclined to hurt me?

My father gaslights me ever since I stopped agreeing with him about everything, since about 2 years now (60M).

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My mother doesn't find me interesting, after a while in her company she starts mocking me to others and disrespecting me/ shouting at me in public (57F).

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Since getting married my brother (31 M) has dumped me and replaced me with our female cousin (28F) and her family who is at the same stage of life (married with children), and also with his wife's sister (24F). When I turned up at said cousins baby's party, SIL (27F) and her mum were already at the venue helping with prep. When she saw me SIL looked away and her mum asked if she knew I was coming - to my own cousins event? Also at my cousins party was SILs brother's best friend and his family, it was not an intimate invite only affair, so how can he be present while SILs mother asks such a question about me? My brother saw me but kept his distance at the party. When brother was newly married with his wife I tried to show love and care for the 18 months they lived in our family home to foster some tradition. I'd cook for everyone when I was preparing stuff, they'd only cook for themselves. I'd make a full English breakfast for everyone very Saturday morning, even if I wasn't making it for myself. I'd get gifts on their birthdays. I never got anything back but I know she is from a gift giving family. I constantly got the cold shoulder, on a family beach trip I greeted her and she ignored me along with her sister. Even younger brother (28M) noticed and he's a man who isn't too caught up in women's dynamics he said they're unfriendly. The following morning I asked SIL about it that is everything ok because I felt she was cold to me the day before, she cried to my brother and I was the bad guy.

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My other brother (28M) briefly mentioned above screams and shouts at me for bothering him by repeatedly asking what he would like to eat so I can plan cooking. I just had to stop doing stuff for him as I'd do stuff for both of us but he'd do stuff for himself. I would cook for us, he'd get takeaway for himself and never offer me. I'd cook for us, he'd visit a cousin and get pizzas in. And the day he shouted at me screaming and following me up and down the house that I'd caused him to lose momentum on something he was working on because I kept asking about what to buy for what meals (he WFH) I just went numb and realised that I would never be appreciated.

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Friends - flirting with my boyfriends, trying to sleep with people who showed an interest in me when I was single. Gossiping to men that they were better than me. One Swedish friend 10 years older and into black guys keeps me as the ugly friend. I know this as she said she watches a YouTube series about finding black love and black men don't want black women. That they want women like her.

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Single 6.5 years. I'm black, work in life sciences, Christian, in shape, waiting until marriage for sex. I wouldn't say I'm stunning but it's not unusual to catch someone staring at me so I know I'm at least attractive.

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I try to go out once a day, sit in coffee shops, having quality time to myself or working so I'm not always in doors. This is a new habit after spending 18 months as a recluse and relying completely on online dating which did not work out. But no one is folllowing up to approach me. Because of toxic dynamic between my parents (my father ignores and belittles my mother, cheats, I have never seen him hold her hand or willingly protect her. On the contrary he takes every opportunity to shoot her down to children - and for a while I'm ashamed to say he succeeded in getting us to disrespect and mock her. I've never seen them kiss in their whole marriage) took me a while to understand what a healthy relationship looks like ,because of this and now at 32 I feel it's too late, will I have a family of my own? What if I meet someone and he turns against me once we're settled?. What if I don't meet anyone, when for the last 15 years all I've spoken of and my hopes have been around having a loving and supportive family of my own? How embarrassing. I cried to my mother about feeling lonely. She asked how do I think she feels, everyone else's daughter is getting married and I'm not. On several occasions friends of my brothers have expressed surprise- they didn't even know they had a sister. I feel like I have no real connections and I'm not cherished or valued by anyone. I'm single when everyone knows I don't want to be. And those closest to me do not like me. Online dating yields nothing. I'm really hurting emotionally.

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Tl;dr - I feel so hurt by the people in my life, at 32 I'm still in the same state as I was 6 years ago hen I was dumped by a guy I know didn't love me and had wandering eyes. But I want to have a fresh start, have a healthy dynamic with those closest to me. I also want a family of my own, how do I fix up actively so another 6 years of no progress is avoided and I can have the family I long for.

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* This article was originally published here