First of all I wanna say that English is my third language and that we live in Europe. So if you don’t understand something, feel free to ask me for clarifications.
Hi everyone, I (28 f) have been married for two years and my husband (31 m) is a hair dresser (this is not why I am posting this). He lived for 15 years with a gay guy who’s 5 years older than my husband, when they met, my husband had left the family house to go to the big city, he was only 14-15 years old and met his gay best friend at a teenagers center/home (I don’t know if there is an equivalent in the US). After that, they moved together as roommates, and have been roommates even when I met him (only they were 3, the gay best friend got married, and for financial reasons my husband had to stay with them). For 15 years my mother in law was worried for him, and for all these years she thought my husband and his best friend were dating, she found it odd that they would move out from a place and moved in together in a new one every time. My husband was very secretive and nobody knew his best friend was gay, my husband never told anyone. Later on when I discovered that his best friend was gay and my husband told his family that he kept it a secret because he was loyal to his best friend (his best friend never came out to his own family let alone my husband’s family) my husband also said he himself felt ashamed, why ? Because he left the family house at 15 and his parents were against it, he comes from a poor family and wanted to be successful in the city, he had ambitions and for him living with a gay person would attract moqueries and would mean that he was struggling financially and had no choice but to live with a gay man.
Now that you have the context here is why I am posting this and asking you for advice and your views: My husband kept that secret for 15 years I lived with them when I got married to him one month/2 because I was working out of the city and I couldn’t afford to pay two rents, and when I tell you I never knew his best friend was gay and he was married to the other guy I NEVER knew. I started to have my doubts because my mother in law told me about HER doubts and I asked my husband : 1- are you gay ? 2- is your best friend gay? 3- have you been in a relationship with him ? He answered no each time and it was very early on that we had this conversation and at that time I didn’t know when he was lying. It was a shock to me when I discovered his best friend was gay because I wondered what else my husband was hiding from me ? And what was happening between them for 13 years (before his best friend got married). I have read couple of articles that can help you spot the signs that your spouse is gay/bisexual, I am not gonna lie I am kinda desperate and having a serious conversation about all of this had become very difficult for me and I can’t even initiate it tbh. At an intimacy level, my husband was not able to « finish », he would always use his hand, it only got better when we moved out and had our own place, I think it helped a lot to build our intimacy. Our sex life is at its best right now, we are both very satisfied. However there are two things that early on in our relationship he told me he enjoyed : his nipples being licked and his prostate being massaged. I really don’t know if it’s common among heterosexual men and it kinda makes me wonder again. I also wanna note that they shared the same bed when they were roommates sometimes because they could only afford a one bedroom house but even when they moved in a bigger appartement they would still have the same bed so I don’t know what to think.
In these situations I know I should trust my guts but I really don’t know how to start the conversation with my husband.
TL;DR : is living with a gay man for 13 years, sometimes sharing the same bed, keeping his secret from your family and friends and enjoying some « gayish » sexual practices make you gay/bisexual ?
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* This article was originally published here
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