What is 'spider-webbing'? Relationship experts tell all about VERY toxic dating trend - and reveal how YOU can Daily Mail
* This article was originally published here
Tuesday, October 31, 2023
Monday, October 30, 2023
I (27f) am confused with what this guys (26m) intentions are
I first met this guy about 6 years ago we were both in a relationship. We talked a couple times as friends. We were barely acquaintances. Fast forward to this year, we now work together and see each other briefly once a week. He’s higher ranking than me where I work and kind of unofficially my boss. We matched on a dating app and went on a date, it went good.
The next week we went on another date. He was very kind and chivalrous…opened the car door for me all the time, let me hold his hand, paid, even asked to take a picture together... we went back to my place, hung out and etc etc. I was going to be spending thanksgiving alone that weekend, so he stopped by my place with a plate of food for him and me to have a thanksgiving dinner together.
Fast forward a couple weeks..I asked him to hang out again. I went over to his place and we went on a walk and watched a movie, he cooked for me and we just hung out.
The thing is…when we’re not together there’s NO communication. We don’t talk. We don’t text. It’s like we don’t exist. His job is pretty busy, but he’s also the type of person to almost never be on his phone/a bad texter.
But when we’re together it’s great. He always asks me about myself, kisses me a lot (head, cheek). When we were cuddling watching a movie, I fell asleep and half woke up to him rubbing my head, playing with my hair, kissing my head. He asks about kids and jokes about my good genes.
I’m just so confused as to what his intentions are. When we’re together it seems like a he’s super into me but when we’re not it’s zero. I’m 100% positive that there’s no other girlfriend in this situation.
Tl;dr when I hang out with this guy everything is perfect but when we’re not physically together we don’t talk.
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, October 29, 2023
My [30M] narcissistic ex-friend [30M] won't leave me alone
Hi all,
Really need advice on this one.
I have a former friend we'll call Mike, who I decided not to be friends with anymore around a year ago because he's an abuser. The problem is he is in our friendship circle and keeps bad mouthing me to friends. He just won't let it go and now blames me for 'disappearing'.
A bit of history:
At first, Mike came across as a bit narcissistic (always talking about himself, rarely engaging about others), but then I discovered he was physically and emotionally abusive to his then-girlfriend. His girlfriend left him and blocked him on everything, and this was my first hint, then I heard that the neighbours had been called and various other things.
After their breakup, Mike began to be emotionally abusive to me and other friends, insulting me at random times, talking down my achievements, mocking my career choice, talking bad about me behind my back. He also began to chronically lie about everyone. "That friend who was going to live in Europe? Oh, he had a mental breakdown and came home" (No, he had a girlfriend back home and wanted to stay with her). "That other friend who moved away. Oh, she went MANIC and left." (No, she got a prestigious job offer and left).
I have a personal rule in my life that I don't stay friends with abusers. I have been abused before and it's a red line that I'll never cross. I'm stronger now. Abusers need to be behind bars and in therapy, not friends with me. I confronted Mike about his abusive behaviour towards me and others. He refused to apologize, tried to gaslight me, and ruined my birthday among other things.
So, I decided to never talk to him again. This was a year ago. Mike is still friends with all of my close friends. I've tried to talk to my close friends about him but it's like talking about Santa Clause. They kind of believe me and have seen some of it, but they still want to be friends with him. That's fine, the problem is that now Mike keeps bringing me up to them, saying I disappeared on him etc. I've decided to ignore all of this and continue to not talk to him. I believe that this attention-seeking strategy is designed to get me to talk to him again, so I have decided to stay strong.
But how do I get him to leave me alone?
TL;DR; I discovered my friend was abusive to his gf and others, and cut him out of my life. Now he is badmouthing me to people in our friendship circle. How do I get him to leave me alone?
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* This article was originally published here
Saturday, October 28, 2023
My boyfriend's best friend has access to his phone!
Today my boyfriend (M, 24) (we've been dating for 5 months) told me that a certain reply to one of my texts was actually sent by his best friend (M, 24) because he has access to his phone. When I raised an alarm about this stating that it made me uncomfortable, he said that's how their equation is but now that he is aware I'm not okay with it, he'll ask his friend to not open our chats again.
He found nothing wrong in it but I felt really weird because then we don't have any privacy in what we talk about. He apologized for letting his friend access our chats and said he won't let it happen again.
Should I be bothered with this because I feel it shouldn't have been allowed to happen even once? What if it happens again and he just doesn't tell me or maybe it has happened before too? Am I overthinking and should just take his word for it?
TL;DR- My boyfriend (M,24) let his best friend (M,24) respond to my text (access our chats) and it made me feel really weird. Should this bother me if he said he won't let it happen again? It feels like a privacy concern.
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, October 27, 2023
I (26F) ended my relationship with him (24M) which I truly wanted to last. How else I could’ve reacted?
I (26F) got in a relationship with him (24M) in 2021. Everything was too well in the beginning because he was giving all that attention, he understood me, showering all that love and told some of his friends about me. He’s the one who proposed, he’s the one who talked about marriage, he made all the first moves and i was into him because of this as my idea of dating is to marry. I can’t date people out of boredom, if I’m in a relationship with you, i see it in long term.
We had our shares of ups and downs, but things got worse 3 months back when i got to know about his Insta account which was deactivated even before i got in a relationship with him. I was shocked because ever since I knew him, he was using some other account, and suddenly i see a new account with around 600 followers and 300 followings on insta.
So i asked him, what is this account for and why haven’t i seen it before. He said it’s his original account which is like 5-6 years old, he deactivated this few years back and just few weeks ago he activated it again BUT he’s not using this account. It’s just existing.
This was hard to digest and i saw two of my juniors being his mutual friends (let’s call them A and B) on this account. So i texted A how she knows him? She said “he had a thing with B, so through her only i followed him”.
I was devastated because this person “B” is also my junior and my boyfriend never ever mentioned anything about her before.
We made things very clear about our pasts and i thought we’re honest with each other but he just lied and hid things from me.
I asked A to dig a little more and let me know the full story. A tells me, that he’s a guy who was always after B for hookups but she never agreed with him because she liked him and wanted something serious. And the last they talked was few weeks back on this same account.
I broke down. I was devastated and my anxiety peaked! He lied to me about his past involvements, he lied to me about not using this account, and it brought back all the past trauma i went through in my past relationship. I felt betrayed once again. I got all the screenshots from A about his last conversation with B asking for hookups and sent them to him and confronted him.
His side of story is: He just met B once few years back before i came in his life, they just kissed on the first meeting and never met again because he didn’t like her. B was always desperate and would text him in every 5-6 months out of nowhere. He was tired of shooing her away so he thought of acting desperate as B wanted something serious. So he thought if he’ll act desperate, she’ll go away eventually. He made sure to provide me with all the proves, screenshots, his passwords and what not and he did everything he could to prove his innocence which I appreciate on his part.
I believed him, and i thought of giving this another chance because he was adamant that his feelings are never wrong for me and he did what he had to.
Now even after 3 months, that insta account is still active. I asked him to delete it, not deactivate but delete it. Because now it makes me insecure and he lied to me about not using it before so I don’t trust him even if he’s saying he don’t use it. I had a discussion with him and told him that for the sake of this relationship he HAVE to leave his past people behind if he sees a future with me. That’s the least he can do after the fuck up he did. He agrees to it but on one condition that i delete my insta too.
Now idc, i can happily delete my insta. If any of my social media is creating an issue with my personal life, I’m more than happy to delete it. But then he says that i gotta delete my account first, and then he’ll delete his. This is where i lost it.
First of all, you fucked up our relationship even if your intention was not to, but you did, on top of that, you are not in any position to put conditions on me that i should delete it first. This turned into an argument and i told him that I can’t pretend each day that things are fine and I can’t happily settle with this reality that you were asking for hookups while being in a relationship with me, be your intention anything!
Each and every day is so difficult for me because I’m having issues in forgetting this. He betrayed me. I felt cheated. I’ve made you the attention of my world and you’re making me feel like an option.
My whole family also knows about him, and he couldn’t even tell B that he was in a relationship to shoo her away, instead he chose to act desperate. He didn’t tell anyone in his family about me. He never even posts about us.
Now I’m getting the tag of mental instability and insecure, immature person just because i fail to mend myself according to him. He hurt me and he’s expecting me to follow his conditions.
What the hell am I supposed to do if me arguing over this is wrong. Because to him I’m the worst person ever who doesn’t understand him and don’t act my age. To me which sounds like gaslighting and manipulation at it’s best.
I’m losing my sleep and my will to live because I’m truly broken and I don’t wish such traumas even on my worst enemy. I feel like he gives more importance to other people now rather than what i think or feel. I feel like a stranger in my own relationship.
TLDR; Boyfriend messed up and i asked for something basic to fix the issue but he’s putting conditions
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, October 26, 2023
Wednesday, October 25, 2023
Tuesday, October 24, 2023
Am I (25F) overreacting by asking my boyfriend (28M) to delete Reddit?
TL;DR; Am I overreacting or should he respect my boundaries?
Context: Last month my boyfriend and I broke up, because I accidentally found his Reddit open and saw a number of posts he had written about me on various forums. (Just to note, I had to download Reddit to post this because I’ve never used the app before and didn’t really understand it.) The posts were quite hurtful and related to me putting on weight and losing my hair. Last year I had a big health scare, lost my hair and put on weight from the steroids, I went from a UK 8 to UK12. Something which he said never mattered and he still loved me to my face, but said I was unattractive online which broke my heart really. What hurt more was that he over exaggerated the reality of the situation online and made me feel worse. He had also written some pretty wild posts about his ex flings from before we were together. I’m an ignorance is bliss kind of person, so I never wanted to find or read these things about myself or go hunting for issues.
We broke up, he begged for us to reconcile, I was really really apprehensive at first because my confidence and self image were destroyed, but he never betrayed my trust before, he was a good boyfriend, he told me it was hard watching me go through everything and that what he did was a massive mistake and that was difficult to see me change even if it wasn’t my fault. I decided to give him a second chance and start again and work on things with open communication about issues. My one stipulation was Reddit, I asked him if he could delete the app until I could trust him again because I didn’t really understand it and I felt like I didn’t know the person he was reading his old posts. He agreed, deleted it in front of me and that was the end of it, so I thought.
Cut to last night, we were going to sleep, I usually sleep with my eye mask on. He asked me why I hadn’t put it on yet, which I thought was strange. I put it on half over my eyes and pretended to be asleep, I could see him on Reddit again! I haven’t confronted him yet, but it really bothers me. More that he is acting shady about it and trying to hide it from me, and with previous issues I’m weary of his intentions. Since he doesn’t want to communicate with me, I thought I would use his method!
TL;RL; Am I overreacting or should he respect my boundaries?
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, October 23, 2023
How can I 18M move on from things my 18F girlfriend had done?
My girlfriend and I have been together for over a year. It’s been long distane but now we’re in the same city. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve never laid eyes on another girl, texted or showed interest in any other female. But 4months into our relationship, we went through a tough phase of daily arguments where she always ends up crying. But I always fixed things even when i was in wasnt wrong just so we can go back to normal. She had a bestfriend (of 10 years) that i never trusted and that i was sure hated me. After over a month of arguments, she and her bestfriend got into a fight and i ended up getting texts from the bestfriend showing me how my girl has been talking to my ex behind my back and telling him about our problems and im sure a lot went behind my back while i was trying to be the best man for her and avoiding physical interactions with other girls even when she was away from me. I confronted her and she told me they recently met and she said she told him about us and that she wants nothing to do with him but she was feeling bad since she broke his heart. She also said that her friend used to meet him and she was manipulating her and telling her how he’s heartbroken and missing her everyday. But what i saw was the complete opposite. I couldnt believe a lot of things she said and i was aware that a lot went behind my back so i stopped talking to her. Meanwhile, she was begging for us to be back and crying because i didnt answer her calls, didnt go to school and she hurt herself just because of “the regret” of what she did. I still remember her losing almost 12 pounds that month since she barely ate. loved her too much to end things even though it broke me so i kept talking to her (badly) but she just kept trying and her treatment got so much better later. She posts me on her socials and gave me all her passwords (i never ask) she became the most caring, kind, supportive person in my life, and since june, she never even made a tiny mistake that would harm our relationship. She never goes out without my permission and she makes me feel like the most important person in her life. I can’t explain how but i know for sure she’s in love because its been 5 months and she’s the girl i’ve always wanted to have. So i slowly fell back in love with her and i think she deserves it more now. However, the overthinking never stops, i keep thinking of how she couldve done all that to me while i was in love with her, and if she ever cared back then. Sometimes i mention it and she immediately starts crying and tells me she doesnt want to be reminded of her past and shes a much better person now. Im trying so hard to completely move on but something keeps holding me back, i want to know how i can get over this and focus on the future. Thank you
(English isnt my first language so im sorry for the small mistakes)?
TLDR: how can i move on and focus on the future instead of feeling stuck in the past?
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, October 22, 2023
friends and family telling me i’m 30F unaware of red flags in 30M. what did i miss
I 30F Went back to a man 30M who previously chose another woman over me and now regret it
A few months ago I was on a dating site and I matched with someone. We had several phone call conversations over many weeks and they each lasted hours at a time and we agreed how rare it was to have someone you get along with so easily. We were compatible in pretty much everything. The only thing that concerned me was that he brought up the importance of physical attraction a lot more than anything. He told me he had told his friends about me and how he’d shared things he’s never shared to others before. I noticed he lied about a few lifestyle practices on his profile but otherwise nothing. As we were long distance we were scheduled to call again but then he suddenly told me he’d met someone new he was pursuing. I was disappointed but moved on
Recently I saw he was still on the site so without thinking much I swiped again on him. This time he asked me out and we talked for a few weeks before meeting up. again our talks were easy and compatible. When we met up the chemistry translated into person and he extended the date himself for a total of 7 hours. He kept saying how nervous he had been and how easy we get along and a few flirty comments. he’d told his friends again. One thing that was a bit concerning was that he mentioned women and friends in the past saying he had led them on because he was vulnerable with them. i’m not sure why he said that. After that time we left and I thought it had gone really well so I messaged him saying it’d be nice to do this again sometime. He then told me he just sees us as friends. I’m very good at gauging things normally but I really didn’t see this coming.
I need advice to move on because I didn’t see this coming. I am cordial with him and said goodbye nicely but I really regret going back to him - I felt quite insecure because it felt like I was a backup choice and his comments about attraction and looks made me quite self conscious.
TL:DR: 30F 30M What did I miss and how do I prevent situations like this happening again?
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* This article was originally published here
Saturday, October 21, 2023
Can I [F23] not be platonic friends with any man other than my bf [M22] ?
Basically, I’ve been talking to a guy [M28] on fb (mainly about his relationship issues lol) but at some point he told me that I despite him giving up on love I was giving him butterflies in his belly. I was a bit taken back by this but continued replying to his messages. I showed his message with the butterflies remark to my bf who didn’t say anything. I then asked him if he wanted me to stop talking to that guy since he wasn’t saying anything and he said “You can do what you want”.
Few days later I reply to his messages but he had sent me a lot of voice messages which shocked me so I showed my bf “wtf so many messages it’ll take me a lot of time to reply” and he said “don’t reply” but I already did by the time he replied to me. I didn’t think much of it but then he says “you know when I told you you could do whatever you wanted it meant stop talking to him you know I don’t like this”.
And another guy also sent me something on fb, a supportive message because he saw I wasn’t well. I told my bf about it because it was a long message and I wasn’t expecting it. My bf said “We all know why a guy in his 40s is trying to be nice to a girl in her 20s”… idk what to say or think, I thought he was… just being nice bc I’m depressed and wanted to help by offering an ear ?
I don’t care much about the second guy but I liked the first one as a friend we get along pretty well which is kinda rare for me :(
Should I stop talking to them ? Idk what to do.
TL;DR : Bf upset because I didn’t stop talking to a guy who told me I give him butterfly. I don’t like that he’s upset but I don’t want to tell the guy I have to stop talking to him
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, October 20, 2023
Thursday, October 19, 2023
Need advice on dealing with my (24m) girlfriends (24f) rich Asian controlling dad situation
Backstory: I (24M) met Sarah (24F) (fake name) around 1.5 years ago on an online dating app. Me and Sarah are both each others first relationship. We first met when I was doing an internship in the area, and then agreed to do long distance when I went back to school. Fast forward, and a few months later Sarah got laid off from her job. Sarah was very distraught by this and moved back home to her parents house. Her parents live in SoCal, and I live around ~500 mi away from her parents in a neighboring state for grad school. Sarah’s parents are extremely wealthy ($15+M houses, etc) and it is both a result of generational wealth and running successful businesses. As a result, Sarah has never had to pay for anything like rent ever, even when she was working independently and making money.
The troubles: Sarah has a very controlling dad who is not willing to accept anyone who is not both Asian and at or above their wealth/class level. Sarah has essentially been hiding me from her dad as a result. Sarah’s dad says this is because he wants someone that can be on equal footing with her and also fit into the Asian family. About me, I am about to graduate and make decent money in a STEM field (wrapping up interviews and deciding between multiple offers right now but generally on the order of 130-160k, depending on cost of living but mainly MCOL/HCOL). Decent in my eyes, but even if I worked very hard and worked my way up to 500k+ big tech senior roles, I still couldn’t come close to their wealth. I am white and grew up middle class in a LCOL Midwest area.
As a result of this, I only get to see Sarah when her dad goes on buisness trips. Sarah’s mom knows about me and is fairly cool with me too for reference. These buisness trips happen every ~4-8 weeks and usually for a week. However, these are unpredictable in nature, scheduled and rescheduled last minute. As a result, I have to plan my schedule around last minute trips to see Sarah all the time. Luckily, my grad school (and most likely future work) schedule is decently flexible and can accommodate some remote work. However, this still is very stressful and a huge annoyance in my life, and I have to drive 500 miles last minute, and sometimes leave last minute at night if dad is coming home early. Sarah currently works for her dad’s company as well, and this makes her seeing me much more difficult because all “time off” would have to obviously go through dad and would be questioned.
If word of this relationship got out to her dad, she would immediately lose all monetary and social privelages that she benefits from currently and would be kicked out of her parents house. Sarah would get fired from her job, and she does not feel confident in finding her own (although she could and is smart). Sarah’s biggest concern is probably losing access to her parents network, rather than materialistic things (although there is some of that too). She has met lots of powerful people regularly and enjoys this sort of elevated social standing.
While I am about to graduate and relocate, I am having no luck finding work by Sarah so will likely have a similar long distance thing going on. I feel like this constant last minute travel and planning around her dad’s schedule has been very tough on me. At the same time, Sarah is not ready to be independent mentally yet and leave her parents without her facing a massive QOL downgrade for the rest of her life. Sarah could probably make around 60-120k if she took a market rate job in her area and field in my opinion. She has had everything taken care of by mom and dad (including previous job), and this relationship is the only downside to living at home for her (everything else is actually decent) so it’s hard to justify leaving too. She is not used to failure, and I know her past layoff (she was living in a different city not at home) hit her very very hard.
Sarah is very sweet, smart and kind. Our relationship outside of this has been great, and I would hate to let this go. She is slowly working towards being more independent (she does want to eventually stand up for herself with this I feel), but I anticipate it’ll be a few years at best if she ends up getting the courage to get her own job and live independently, as well as give up her entire rich person network. However, all the unpredictable last minute travel avoiding dad and dealing with his unpredictable schedule has been taking a noticeable toll on me, and ends up being costly too. I’m not sure what to do as a result. How long should I give Sarah a chance to be independent while also being fair to myself with my needs and schedule? Any advice or encouragement? I am able to clarify in comments as well if there are questions.
Tl;dr - gf has had everything taken care of by dad whole life, dad would never accept me, gf not ready to live life independently
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, October 18, 2023
My (34F) BF (33M) is angry because I told him I hadn't slept and missed work because he got sick in bed last night due to his own lifestyle choices. Am I wrong for this?
From time to time my partner goes out with friends and then he'll eat late, have late coffee that keeps him wide awake all night and he smokes half a pack a day. Last night he would be back by 11.30pm but it got to 1 am. I was a bit worried, so I stayed up til he was back. That night he kept turning and he said his stomach was hurting and he was hot and cold. I asked what he ate at the restaurant and he said kangoroo steak... He said he felt nauseaus. I told him to make some fresh ginger tea but he didn't want to try.
Anyway, both of us kept waking up all night. I missed work due to exhaustion. I told him in the morning that the fact that he was so late and his unhealthy choices had stopped me from getting proper sleep. It is like this at least once a month. He said that it was easy for me to blame him. I'm angry because who else am I suppose to blame? I couldn't sleep because of his poor lifestyle choices. I think he is angry because I asked him if he doesn't care about my job. Maybe I was a bit harsh. But I still feel disrespected. He said I could have gone to bed earlier if I wanted to. Doesn't seem to understand how sleep works. I called out sick from work. He felt fine. But came home for lunch all pissed off. I cried in the morning and now again because he is a avoiding me while I lay crying in the couch in the living room. Was I really wrong to say those things?
Tl;dr my bf's health choices keep him turning in bed some night. I wake up exhausted and miss work. He's pissed that I blame him. Who's in the wrong?
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* This article was originally published here
Tuesday, October 17, 2023
Absolutely gated the gift my girlfriend(22,f) gave me(25,M).
TL:DR My girlfriend, got me a Kalimba as a birthday gift, and while i opened it up, she said "she's always wanted to buy one for herself but couldn't justify the buy, so she got it for me instead". I don't like music(especially the kind it plays, she knows all about it), I have fat fingers, and i have a tonne of other hobbies she knows very well about.
Full version:
I am turning to reddit because I didn't know where all to go.
My girlfriend(22,f) of three years, just got me a kalimba for my 25th(M) birthday. And I was very disappointed by it .
She likes listening to the extremely romantic, slow, melodious songs and I don't. Infact, when we are driving and if she plays it, I just ask her to not play them and we could just talk instead. She knows I don't like the music one bit. I don't mind her listening to it, I just don't want to listen to it myself.
And we just recently started long distance, since she had to move cities for education, i stayed back for work.but while I was opening it, and she was on call, she says that she has always wanted one, but couldn't, justify buying it, and that if I don't like it, I could give it to her.
Then she asks me to learn to play it, so that when she comes back for Christmas I can play it for her.
And the note she sent me, said, "it's a good gift buns(that's what she calls me), learn how to play it, so you can play it for me."
I mean, even on my birthday, I have to do something that I don't like to make her happy!!
I expressly told her to not get me anything, but then when she told me she'd sent something for me, then my expectations weren't of a little musical instrument that could play "you're my sunshine"
Shes been in a relationship with me for three years now, she knows i love reading history, I do bird watching & wildlife photography, i carve and Whittle wood and i have been learning how to sculpt with clay.
I told her I loved the gift and that it's super thoughtful to not hurt her feelings and ruin my birthday with an argument. But I really didn't like it, and i don't see myself in it one bit.
I just got her, her first vibrator for her birthday, and while she opened it up today, it kind of slipped out of my mouth and I said "and that's how you give awesome gifts" right after she tested it out on the call with me. She picke dit up, and has been mad at me about me taunting her and me not liking her gift.
What should I do?
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, October 16, 2023
Feeling insecure
Hello, this is hard for me to post, even anonymously because this is something I've never dealt with before and I am having a lot of difficulty getting through it. Please delete if not allowed. I'm just hoping that hearing from strangers might help me a bit more since hearing from some of my close friends didnt do much for me. About a month ago curiosity got the best of me and I used my boyfriend of 3 years laptop to see his Facebook account. I went through his activity and saw that he had looked at about 10 very pretty girls in the last 4 months (i couldnt keep going because i felt sick). He didn't like their pictures or did anything beyond that and he was very apologetic and remorseful when i asked him about it. However, this hurt me so much because I've never had the curiosity to look at other guys on Facebook so I couldn't understand why he would do that unless he feels like I'm not enough. My close guy friends (all of which are in relationships) told me and reassured me that all guys are like that, but I don't know if they only said that to make me feel better. This is the first time I've cared about what my partner is doing on social media, I've never really been in love before I guess. I forgave him and he deleted fb on his own accord but this event left me feeling very insecure and paranoid. I feel like maybe he is getting bored with me or there's something I don't have that he wants. I keep feeling like I'm not what he wants, no matter how much love and reassurance he gives me. I already hated my body but now I don't even want him to see me naked. I know time cures all but it's been a month and I'm actually feeling a bit worse. I would like to know if anyone here has experienced this and what did you do to get over it? Please don't tell me to break up with him, that's not going to happen at this moment, maybe in the future if I feel like I can't get past this. He is an amazing person and has never done anything on purpose to make me feel inadequate. If all men do these things then I feel like breaking up would be a mistake if my next partner will do the same, or worse. I am truly in love with this guy and this is the worst thing he's done.
TLDR: boyfriend was looking at pretty girls on Facebook and now I'm feeling insecure about my body and our relationship.
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, October 15, 2023
Jealous, bitter and salty at my best friend
tl;dr Feel excluded and lonely over lack of time spent with best friend.
So we’ve known each other for almost two years already. We hit it off rather quickly and at some point we were spending all our free time together. I moved to the same country K lived in for several years(she wasn’t the reason of the move). Now we live together.
When K visited it would feel rather awkward. Later we discussed it. So everything was cool ig?
I don’t celebrate my birthday but K said she will visit bc im her bestie. So me and my other friends threw a bbq. K had to leave wayy earlier even before bbq bc her friend she gave a ride needed to go back to their city.
Later, around May-June period I would get busy with working additional hours to make some extra for the moving and also got busy with university stuff. K started hanging out with our mutual friend A more often. It was fine, only in July I would start feeling more excluded. We still texted each other almost all day and K would stream for me and play together after my shift.
Then I moved in with her and her other roommate for two weeks before our apartment was ready. I felt soo excluded and lonely because she would spend all her free time with A. I didn’t want to be obnoxious and just waited if she’d invite me to play with her. It got to the point that I talked to K’s roommate more than I did with her. I had to pull “ohhh I would love to play(the game I bought for her and it was “our” game) with you guys” several times before K actually invited me. And when she did she yelled at me for some stupid shit. We talked about it and forgot. Then when I was interested in the game again she suddenly decided that she doesn’t want to play it anymore. But played with the mutual friend often.
When the invited me to play new game for me and I would try to talk they would rarely answer. I got lost in the game and had to figure out where I need to go for 15 minutes. Because they ignored me everytime I asked where I should go.
Also some other occasions that I can’t remember well enough to describe right now.
Now it just feels weird. Like I’m really jealous all the time and don’t think we’re each others best friends even. I don’t think K cares anymore about me. I don’t think K wants to spend time with me. Conversations feels forced.
K often leaves me on delivered bc she’s too busy spending time with A and her university. She is a good friend and was there when I needed her. But lately I just feel sooo bitter and I don’t know how to fix it.
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* This article was originally published here
Saturday, October 14, 2023
My boyfriend (27M) just broke up with me (22M), I still love him but we chose to be bestfriends, is it possible?
My boyfriend (27M) and I (22F) had been in a relationship for 2 years, however he broke up with me yesterday. Although we had a nice relationship, he unfortunately fell out of love and the guilt of not being able to reciprocate my feelings was obviously too hard for him. We had a really nice break up where we cried a lot together and spend the night together remembering our best memories and laughing.
Because here is the real issue, my boyfriend was my best friend and he still loves me as a bestfriend too. So while crying and panicking at one point I made him promise me that we would stay BFF no matter what. He accepted as he would probably have accepted any of my ask but I know he is genuine about wanting to be my friend. We have so much in common, we learned together on a lot of subject and just litteraly would have been friends if we hadn't fall in love since we enjoy each other presence so much.
However, we just broke up and clearly I am still madly in love with him. Our plan is to still talk on messenger everyday (as I'm used to him being my biggest confident and support and to talk to him about litteraly anything that annoys me), but we won't see each other for a month because he is traveling in Mongolia with a friend. Then we'll decide what we do but we definitely planned to see a movie and go for drinks to talk about his travel.
I truly feel that I want to be his bestfriend as I see him kind of like a big brother who makes me laugh and feel supported in anything (even a lot of trauma). But I guess my question is : do you think this is just an attempt to make him fall in love again (I know he won't) or is it genuine and most importantly is it possible ?
TL;DR! I am still in love with my boyfriend who just broke up with me, we both decided to stay bestfriends but I'm scared it won't work (eventhough we would be perfect BFF for each other)
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, October 13, 2023
How much doubt is normal when deciding to have children?
My partner and I of almost 10 years got engaged last year. Throughout our relationship she has expressed her adamant desire to have children. I've come a long way towards wanting that goal, but I still have a lot of doubt surrounding the idea. Most days I think that having a child with her is the happiest possible future and something I would treasure dearly. But some days the thought of sacrificing so much of my personal life to raise someone else (when oftentimes it feels like I struggle just to take care of ME) fills me with worry.
How normal are these feelings? I love my fiance and want to give her the world, and I know we would do a great job parenting. But there is still this nagging sliver of doubt that often scares me shitless. Is the fact that I'm not 100% bursting with optimism and joy a sign that this is a mistake? Or is some level of trepidation just part of the program?
TLDR: How much doubt is normal when deciding to have kids? I'd love to hear from others who went through the same situation.
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, October 12, 2023
I'm not sure what to do... lose a girl I love or get married and move on with my life and leave things I enjoy behind.
TL;DR! - Difficult relationship with an amazing girl who took some time to do work travel. Wants me to come "pick her up" and then propose there to move forward with a life together. Not sure what to do.
I (31M) need some advice I'm not sure what to do.
I've been dating a girl (3 F) for the last 1.5-2 years. Things got really tough, my friends don't like her, there was no trust due to past incidents where I lied (we've been slowly rebuilding), and we often fight or don't see eye to eye. She is always trying to move forward and go fast for things and I am rather slow at doing things. This makes her on my case for a lot of stuff. But she is my team mate on a lot of things and is extremely supportive of me in my career and just general life stuff outside of that.
She has some anger issues... when she gets angry she doesn't care about my opinion and explodes at me. It used to really hurt but I've become numb to it and now I just let her explode then talk after and she is always reasonable and we can take steps forward. She is working on this.
She took some time to travel abroad for the last few months and we've really reconnected. We enjoy talking on the phone and things are good. She wants me to come to her last destination with her, travel around there together, and then move home together. She keeps hinting that the only way she'll come back is if I propose to her there.
I don't want to let her go... but I don't think I'm ready for that yet. Also I feel like if I do it i'll grow distance from my friends (if not eventually lose them) and not be able to enjoy things I like to do with them anymore. Like going on trips, or nights out, etc. Obviously some things change with a partner but I'd want my partner to come with me, not stay at home always... which she probably would since we don't enjoy a lot of the same things (outside of hanging out together at home and seeing interesting places).
She always tells me shes extremely happy to have me in her life and that we're going to build something incredible together. This makes me feel I'm going to break her heart and destroy her whole life... shes really counting on me to come through. That makes me really worry... I love her so much and I don't want her to hurt in anyway.
Is it worth really investing in this, changing my life completely to get married to this girl? Attempting to fix things with friends and rebuild everything which seems like a big challenge but maybe not impossible? Am I just being afraid to move forward or when you find the right person you just feel that you can do it? Is this ultimatum a red flag or just something of how relationships
Basically I just don't know what to do and the day when I'm supposed to go get her is quickly approaching. What do I do? I really don't want to not have her in my life but I also don't know if I will be ultimately unhappy and that it would make things worse in the long run. Starting to date again seems like a scary task as well... I just want what we have now to continue.
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, October 11, 2023
Is it normal for my bf(26M) to not act silly around me(24F)
Me and my bf have been dating for a year. I’ve noticed that the way he acts around his family and friends is different than the way he acts around me. With his family and friends, he’s much more “fun”, willing to joke around, talk and be silly. But when he’s with me, he doesn’t joke around much and his “fun” side doesn’t come out. He’s more reserved and quiet. Does anyone know what could be wrong?
TL;DR: Bf is silly and talkative with friends and family but with me he’s reserved and quiet. Why is this happening?
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* This article was originally published here
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
My wife (f36) took me (m37) to the absolute brink and it was the best thing she could have done
Last week my wife dropped what I considered was a bomb on our life. We had been married for 5 years with a 3 year old, and she explained to me that she wanted to separate. It was very clear she had thought through this although she was mostly telling me that she wasn't happy and that "something was missing."
We live a very comfortable life. Fairly middle-class but are fortunate in a lot of ways, and have worked really hard together. From the outside our relationship looked pretty idyllic. I am successful at work, a higher earner, I have a large social circle, am involved and well-regarded in our community. I have lots of my interests, hobbies and am physically active and in good shape. In all of the baseline ways, I am there for my wife and child, being highly accountable and seemingly involved. Our marriage looked pretty typical, we did things together, had arguments, no sex life, but got along well enough. "Typical marriage stuff" that would eventually get worked out. We did just have a kid so I guess I expected things not to be great, but I was still really proud of my family.
When she dropped the news, I was completely shocked. Here I thought we had crafted this incredible life together, one that I thought we both were happy about. But it was apparent that she had thought through this fully, committed to and was ready to get a divorce. We had open conversations about love and fears, and we have open conversations about the hard truths of divorce and how it would wreck all of us emotionally, financially and everything else. If I ever brought up what this would do to our young child's life, her point was that our child would respect us more for choosing to live a life of happiness then one of being stuck in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. At times we veered into some nastiness that would happen in divorce but were pretty fair with our conversation. I obviously wasn't ready to divorce and she was, so there was a split in objectives that would have been the root of some issues.
I begged and pleaded with her no matter how pathetic I looked. I tried swinging the other way and showing that I was ok with being on my own (which I would be ok but I know that I would be better with my wife and family together). She was kind but steadfast. That was probably the most heartbreaking part.
It took a few days and got to the point where we were probably hours away from doing damage that we wouldn't have come back from but I had an epiphany.
Because I always assumed that I would have a wife, I took her completely and utterly for granted. Because I thought I had taken care of that checkmark of getting married and that she would never leave, I never invested in her the person and never tried to maintain or build the connection we had. I was going through life as a chore. Every little inconvenience was such affront to me that I was miserable. Any time that my wife brought any idea up that took an ounce of work, I shot it down and said it didn't make sense. If it was an idea that I liked, then we could do it, but if it was something that I didn't deem worthwhile then I said no and that was that.
My wife comes from a life of instability and trauma and I come from one that was pretty fortunate and healthy. And I was so intent on "showing her the way" to stability and happiness that I never actually listened to what she wanted. I sought approval and fulfillment in our social circles and community instead of figuring out was wrong at home. I wasn't adding anything to her life, I was only limiting what she could do.I finally got to the point that I understood how miserable she would have had to be in order to come to terms with leaving. And I got it. If someone acted the way I did, I would fantasize and ultimately plan a way out as well. No one's perfect but I'm ashamed of the way I acted and realized that I wasn't even living a life. I was going through the motions and letting life pass over me.
During our figuring out what to do, the three of us went on a walk around the block and collected fall leaves. I was so incredibly grateful, and cherished every moment of it because I realized that it could be taken away at any single moment.
As I began to come to this realization my wife began reconsidering slowly. We agreed on staying together at least until the new year and committed to doing couples therapy. I had been softly recommending couples therapy for a little while but she was non-committal at the time and even during this which was a really bad sign. But I believe that I would have went into the therapy just as bull-headed and try to push my agenda about being right. So I kinda understand her mindset. Maybe the therapist would have uncovered all of this earlier, who knows.
I expressed my epiphany and I believe that it's resonating. I also made sure to tell her what I thought AND listen to find out what she thought. We had some really heartfelt moments of connection and she expressed genuine excitement in our future. I recognize that just acknowledging this isn't enough and that it will be up to me follow through with my actions over the course of the year and onward. Honestly it feels like I have a new outlook on life in general because I was able to see how bad it would have been to go down the other path.
This morning she told me she's invested in doing couples therapy together. It's still very early and things could change at any moment but I will be appreciating every moment we have together.
tl;dr my wife began pursuing divorce and I was able to get my head out of my ass long enough to have a change in my outlook on life that will hopefully save my marriage and family
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, October 9, 2023
Sunday, October 8, 2023
Saturday, October 7, 2023
My (23F) BF (33M) left me to go to a spa alone
Apologies in advance for the long post. My BF (32M) and i (23F) have had the idea for us to go to a spa and massage place for a while now. Today, we could finally go, we couldn't before because of scheduling issues.
So i called up the place to make a reservation for 4.30pm, i called at 4pm. The admin said that the male therapists are available for the time we wanted, but the female therapists are fully booked for that time and would only be available starting at 6pm. And she also told me that the service he wanted would last about 90 minutes, while mine was 60 minutes.
Now, before we decided to go today, he previously said that we'll eat out after the appointment, and we rarely eat out together so i was looking forward to it. So it was going to be us going to the spa and then having dinner.
But after the phone convo with the admin and knowing that the female therapists are only available at 6pm, i decided that i'd just wait for him while he goes in for his appointment and made the reservation for him. I told him how long his appointment is going to be (90 minutes) and how i can only get in at 6pm, which is 1.5 hours from the start of his appointment, and that i'd just wait for him.
Here's where it gets conflicted in my head.
First thing, I feel like he should've at least mentioned or suggested that we can just go in at 6pm, so we can go in together. His response to me telling him that i'd wait was "are you sure you're not gonna get bored?", and i said "yeah, it's fine." because i was looking forward to the dinner. But that response, in my head, sounds like him trying to get me to not go. Why? because he offered no solution to the problem and not thinking about how i wouldn't be able to go do this thing we planned TOGETHER.
After the phone convo i started to get ready, changing clothes etc., not once in the 5 minutes i was getting ready did he mention anything about pushing the appointment back.
Second, after we were ready and walking to the door, i suggested that we could go for the 6pm slot which i could easily call up the place and reserve for that time, for both of us. He paused, got quiet, and kept walking to the door, and because i sensed that he didn't like that idea, i said "but if you want to go now, it's fine".
I know, i should've communicated my feelings better, but in my head, he should probably have the idea that i wanted to do this too, was that unreasonable of me? i don't think so. And he knows i'm a very expressive person, you could tell how i'm feeling from how i act and talk, and we've been together for 4 years now, he knows.
After we exited the house and on our drive way, i paused and said "Actually, i'll just stay home. I'm going to feed Aulus (our sick cat) and give him his medicine. You go". Maybe it's just me, but i saw him go a bit relaxed(?) like he's not upset anymore, idk. He asked me if i'm sure, and at this point i didn't want to go anywhere anyway. So he said "okay" and got into the car, and left. All within 5 minutes.
And now i'm crying and i feel like i got sucker punched and all because of this silly little thing. Idk who to ask about this because i don't talk about my relationship to the people in my life (not because of anything, just because i don't want to).
Should i be feeling this way and am i right in thinking that he should've thought about me in all of this?
TL;DR my BF left for a spa appointment we both waited so long to do together because the time slots for my services and his services don't match, and he didn't suggest to push back his appointment time to match mine (by about 1,5 hours) and seemed upset when i suggested that he did that, but left right away after i said i'm not going.
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, October 6, 2023
Bf heavily fantasized about me prior to he and I going out. Red flags or no?
My (25F) bf (25m) admitted to heavily fantasizing about me for months prior to us going out
Throwaway account but wanted some opinions here
My bf is wonderful and very loving, & I don’t think this will impact us in any way but I wanted to make sure I wasn’t being oblivious to red flags here as well.
The other night my bf confessed to having fantasized over me often to the point where he would get erect when I was around him at all (we worked together) and he confessed that he had masturbated to the thought of me multiple times a week, even a couple of times on the drive home after work.
This lasted for roughly 6 months until we ended up going out on a date. We did not know each other well for the six months leading up to our first date.
While I want to think this just reaffirms what I know to be true about his attraction to/for me, I just want to make sure that this doesn’t indicate anything darker.
TLDR; BF had fantasized about me so much prior to us going out that pleasured himself multiple times a week for months on the drive home after leaving professional situations where he had to be around me, and in his free time. Red flag or normal indication of attraction?
TYIA!
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, October 5, 2023
Bf (53M) and I (51F) recently broke up. How do I hook-up without getting attached?
Tl;dr Due to my permanent mental illness, I don’t want to inflict myself on anyone, but I still want to have sex (with an actual human). How do I do this without getting attached?
My boyfriend (53M) and I (51F) recently ended our relationship after more than 23 years (our relationship has been cordial, but dead, for the past decade). He has a gf who is perfect for him (a much more fulfilling partner than I could ever be). I, on the other hand, have lifelong psychological issues and have decided that it really isn’t fair to inflict that on anyone, especially someone I supposedly care about.
I am 100% convinced that any remission of my mental illness is only temporary (because it ALWAYS comes back…. it will never NOT come back), and to let someone fall in love with the healthy version of myself is just deceitful and cruel (to both of us).
I will (do) miss having sex with another human being, though. I wish I knew I’d be emotionally capable of hooking up without getting attached. Any suggestions on how to have fun without falling in love?
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, October 4, 2023
My (f29) boyfriend (m32) made a comment on my work ethic and now I don’t feel like going to his relatives birthday event.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and live together.
I’ve recently been struggling with my mental health. I have a history of really bad anxiety. I took a new job a few months back in the area we moved to (outside the city). I don’t drive yet but I’m trying! I failed my test before due to severe anxiety on the exam day. I live in the U.K. where they are pretty strict with the test so it’s not that easy either.
Anyway, I’ve been using extremely unreliable public transport and my standard journey is 1.5 hours and back. Sometimes the bus never comes so I have to wait an hour for the next one so it come take me over 3 hours to get home. I’m burnt out from the commute and can’t wait til I pass my test next year, and cabs aren’t an option as I don’t earn enough to pay for them every day.
I handed in my notice and my manager is trying everything to make me stay. He’s quite unprofessional and tells me about his mental health problems, how he cries on his bed and how hard life is as he hired someone else to make him feel good but now I’m leaving. He also said the main boss wants to hire an immigrant as they are hard working. So yes he made it about himself. This was super draining so I got back home last night and broke down in tears.
I couldn’t sleep last night due to anxiety about the job. I woke up and told my boyfriend that I want to stay home today as I’m on the verge of a breakdown. He then said that’s fine but it’s true what my boss said about immigrants being harder working (my boyfriend has immigrant parents). He apologised when he’s realised it hurt me but I told him that I’m pretty much done for today and I’m not in the mood to see ANYONE. So I’ve cancelled going to his house for his nans birthday. Hope I’m not being too harsh.
TL;DR: I’m taking a mental health day off from work (a job that I’m leaving) as I’m on the verge of a breakdown, and boyfriend made an insensitive joke about my work ethic.
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* This article was originally published here
Tuesday, October 3, 2023
She’s confused on her feelings towards me and I have no idea what to say. M26 f53
Recently I’ve (26) been seeing a coworker. (52).
For the last two months. We’ve been I guess in a in the dark relationship. I’ve been trying to date her for two years. And two months she finally caved in and let me have sex with her.
She said it’s supposed to be light and airy. That’s our relationship. Well it turned into hanging out as much as we could. Staying the night.
She’s always said I’m too young. And she’s can’t get over the age gap. She’s confused on what we’re doing. She’s got deep feelings for me.
We got into an argument at dinner Saturday. About this. And I just got mad and told her it’s not fair to me that you keep stringing me along. If you can’t date someone half your age. Then that’s your answer and we can end it. She said I don’t get what’s she’s going through and she wants me to go find someone to have kids with. I said don’t worry about me. She said you’re 50 I’m 80. Doesn’t that scare you. I’m never gonna meet your family you won’t meet mine. We’re in the dark.
Then I take her home. She tells me to come in. Hugs me for 5 minutes. And tells me to stay the night.
Fast forward to last night. I said are we done. And she called and just said I’m confused. I don’t know what I want to do. I said well what do you want from me. She said I make her feel beautiful and loved and it’s perfect. But the age. And she said she feels like I pressure her when I ask what she wants. Maybe she needs space. She hates when I tell her I won’t be her best friend if we end it. Which is true. We’ll be friends at work but what would be the point in hanging out outside of work.
I just don’t know what to do and I can’t talk to anyone about it and it’s tough for me. I have no clue what to say or to do.
Tl;dr: she’s 53 I’m 27. She has deep feelings but can’t get over the age gap.
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, October 2, 2023
A 15 year olds take on love lmao
The ability to love is a beautiful thing. You will receive smiles, laughs, moments to cherish and even tears. There is hardships and frustrations that come with love and I think it's the ability for two individuals to see the imperfections of another and accept them for it. Sometimes love wanes. Sometimes it leaks and you can't do anything about it but what makes love so beautiful is when it works. It isn't forced. It isn't perfect by any means but it's happy. Sure a pretty face and a nice body is nice but someone who can hold you through the yucky tears and the bleeding thoughts is what love really is. A true connection between 2 people no matter how big or small, stupid or smart, funny or not. The fleeting desire for this connection is what's corrupting this world and the lack of true matrimony plagues this world more so than war, greed or any of the sort. Loyalty. Honesty. Kindness. All traits a vast amount of people seem to be missing in the modern age and key requirements for love. So, do you truly love? Or are you living some deluded expectation of 'love'? Question yourself. What is love?
Love is the fragile bond between 2 people that at the least want the best for one and another. And at the most no war can be fought or not battle can be won to symbolize the connection between those people. To make someone your whole world is a dangerous game that will only end in tears. But that tiny percentage of the population that found 'the one'. Hats off to you. You were lucky enough to experience love in this degenerate generation.
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**TL;DR;** : A cringe take on love by some teen.
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, October 1, 2023
Not sure what i should…
I (24m) have been talking/exclusive with (20f) for about 6-7 months now who lives an hour apart from me. ive been in this sort of rut for a month now about how i feel and what i want to do with furthering our relationship. i know she wants to date and be more so official. i mean she loves me and i love her but i dont think im in love with her. shes great, awesome, and has the same kind of humor as me. where my mind goes foggy though is when i think about the future and if our lives can works together. she is still in college and will be for a little while. with saying that, she lives the kind of “college lifestyle” in a sense, but not to the fullest degree. i want to be a professional/competitive bodybuilder. with wanting to do that, i cant really be around all the partying so much anymore. this is kind of thing would really require my full attention.
i havent talked or mentioned anything about my feelings because i know its just gonna hurt her. ive always been the type to not worry about just saying something but this time its hard because ive never been in this kind of situation. how do i go about talking to her about it? should i wait and see if my feelings will change? i just feel so bad and wrong for what it seems like stringing her on.
TL;DR- i am having second thoughts/mixed feelings about my relationship and im not sure what i should do.
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* This article was originally published here
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