Backstory: I (24M) met Sarah (24F) (fake name) around 1.5 years ago on an online dating app. Me and Sarah are both each others first relationship. We first met when I was doing an internship in the area, and then agreed to do long distance when I went back to school. Fast forward, and a few months later Sarah got laid off from her job. Sarah was very distraught by this and moved back home to her parents house. Her parents live in SoCal, and I live around ~500 mi away from her parents in a neighboring state for grad school. Sarah’s parents are extremely wealthy ($15+M houses, etc) and it is both a result of generational wealth and running successful businesses. As a result, Sarah has never had to pay for anything like rent ever, even when she was working independently and making money.
The troubles: Sarah has a very controlling dad who is not willing to accept anyone who is not both Asian and at or above their wealth/class level. Sarah has essentially been hiding me from her dad as a result. Sarah’s dad says this is because he wants someone that can be on equal footing with her and also fit into the Asian family. About me, I am about to graduate and make decent money in a STEM field (wrapping up interviews and deciding between multiple offers right now but generally on the order of 130-160k, depending on cost of living but mainly MCOL/HCOL). Decent in my eyes, but even if I worked very hard and worked my way up to 500k+ big tech senior roles, I still couldn’t come close to their wealth. I am white and grew up middle class in a LCOL Midwest area.
As a result of this, I only get to see Sarah when her dad goes on buisness trips. Sarah’s mom knows about me and is fairly cool with me too for reference. These buisness trips happen every ~4-8 weeks and usually for a week. However, these are unpredictable in nature, scheduled and rescheduled last minute. As a result, I have to plan my schedule around last minute trips to see Sarah all the time. Luckily, my grad school (and most likely future work) schedule is decently flexible and can accommodate some remote work. However, this still is very stressful and a huge annoyance in my life, and I have to drive 500 miles last minute, and sometimes leave last minute at night if dad is coming home early. Sarah currently works for her dad’s company as well, and this makes her seeing me much more difficult because all “time off” would have to obviously go through dad and would be questioned.
If word of this relationship got out to her dad, she would immediately lose all monetary and social privelages that she benefits from currently and would be kicked out of her parents house. Sarah would get fired from her job, and she does not feel confident in finding her own (although she could and is smart). Sarah’s biggest concern is probably losing access to her parents network, rather than materialistic things (although there is some of that too). She has met lots of powerful people regularly and enjoys this sort of elevated social standing.
While I am about to graduate and relocate, I am having no luck finding work by Sarah so will likely have a similar long distance thing going on. I feel like this constant last minute travel and planning around her dad’s schedule has been very tough on me. At the same time, Sarah is not ready to be independent mentally yet and leave her parents without her facing a massive QOL downgrade for the rest of her life. Sarah could probably make around 60-120k if she took a market rate job in her area and field in my opinion. She has had everything taken care of by mom and dad (including previous job), and this relationship is the only downside to living at home for her (everything else is actually decent) so it’s hard to justify leaving too. She is not used to failure, and I know her past layoff (she was living in a different city not at home) hit her very very hard.
Sarah is very sweet, smart and kind. Our relationship outside of this has been great, and I would hate to let this go. She is slowly working towards being more independent (she does want to eventually stand up for herself with this I feel), but I anticipate it’ll be a few years at best if she ends up getting the courage to get her own job and live independently, as well as give up her entire rich person network. However, all the unpredictable last minute travel avoiding dad and dealing with his unpredictable schedule has been taking a noticeable toll on me, and ends up being costly too. I’m not sure what to do as a result. How long should I give Sarah a chance to be independent while also being fair to myself with my needs and schedule? Any advice or encouragement? I am able to clarify in comments as well if there are questions.
Tl;dr - gf has had everything taken care of by dad whole life, dad would never accept me, gf not ready to live life independently
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