(30f) met my husband (42m) in April 2019....within 7 months we started dating, made it official, got engaged and got married. It was a beautiful love at first sight kind of story. I knew I would marry him the second I laid eyes on him. Everything we did for each other, and our ridiculously passionate relationship made me feel like he was the only one I could ever love. We had so much love for each other. Which was rare for him because he was your typical "badboy' who did not often reveal his emotions. Now while our relationship was amazing.. it was also filled with traumatic periods of time. We had met in a recovery home he was an addict for 20 years or so and I was for 5 years. So unfortunately relapse was part of our story and ultimately our downfall.
I have so many conflicted emotions when it comes to my late husband.. I feel sadness that he passed away, anger that he left me, that also appreciation for the time I had with him and thankfulness that I got to meet him and feel a love I never felt before. I will never regret our story. My husband passed on Halloween this past year 2022. I feel like it destroyed me. I'm still broken. The pain I feel in my heart about losing him is the most intense and depressing feeling I have ever felt. And I have gone through a lot in my lifetime. So I wanted a little distraction, and someone to touch to get that intimacy and attention I had with my husband. I went on a dating site mid-December and within 30 minutes of downloading it I had a bunch of messages but one man (36m) stuck out to me. He is an extremely attractive man, and very good at communication so we talked on the phone and texted a lot. I knew I just wanted him as a distraction so used his looks as the basis for our connection. I didn't feel anything from him because I am still deeply in love with my husband, but as me and this new man talked I started realizing he is a man who would be good for me. He gives good advice, seems honest, and best part he's not an addict, but he is willing to help me along my recovery. These are amazing qualities that really would be good for me. So two weeks later brings us to today and now I am holding a lot of guilt towards the situation. Before it was a superficial attraction that I didn't think anything of besides the fact that I knew people would judge me, and when I met my husband, there was an instant bond that I knew was going to go far, I didn't necessarily get that with this new man right away but now I'm starting to actually have feelings for him. When feeling started popping up the realization that this could go somewhere started making me feel like I should back away. I feel bad that I'm allowing another man in, I feel bad that I keep comparing him to the man of my dreams( my late husband), and feel like I'm letting down my husband and his family. I feel like it's very soon and my emotions are going back and forth. Part of me wants to see where this can go, yet the other half of me feels like I'm a bad person for finding someone so soon. I just wonder what I should do.. should I take a step back?? Maybe try to take it slow even though we'd have to go backwards because we're ready further than intended?? I just really don't know what to do or what to feel..
TL;DR: I had an intense connection with my late husband who passed away two months ago. I recently met a new man who I didn't feel that intense connection with right away I just felt lust. Now I'm starting to actually have real feelings for him and it is terrifying me and causing me so much guilt. I know it's normal to have all these feelings but how do I manage them? Am I a bogus person for going for a new man only a few months after he passed? I feel so bad and conflicted....
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