Emotionally unavailable men, women and why you're attracted to them - USA TODAY

Emotionally unavailable men, women and why you're attracted to them  USA TODAY

* This article was originally published here

Am I (24m) overreacting to my girlfriend (24f) not showing interest in my passionate side

Hey everyone

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost three years and it's not been easy. The first 6 months were great, but after that life got pretty shitty for the both of us. My girlfriend definitely had quite some anger issues which she had never faced. She definitely was a very dominant person. She wouldn't be physically aggressive, but was verbally very much so. I talked about this a lot with her and after some (way too long, almost a year) time, well actually when I was about to break up with her, she said that she understands me and agreed to go to therapy. this was around the 1.5 year mark.

Going to therapy was a slow process, but she started to heal. She is able to communicate her feelings calmly now, it is definitely a huge difference compared to how she used to be.

That doesn't mean that it still isn't hard sometimes. I definitely hold some scars from our past and am very sensitive if some of her dominant behaviour comes up.

Actually I almost broke up with her again a few weeks ago. We were fighting almost weekly having stupid fights again about really silly stuff. she would always defend her own viewpoint and would not try to see my point of view. She would always defend why she reacted like she did, but wouldn't show compassion or understanding to why something felt bad for me. I've tried to explain that we need to be ok with each others feelings even if we don't agree, because we cannot change how things make us feel but we can be understanding and compassionate about it towards each other. After trying to explain this for months I got tired of it and asked for a break of our relationship. She got very sad and again begged me to stay, saying she will do everything she can to make us work. She asked me to write down specifically how I want us to communicate when we have a disagreement so I did. I basically wrote these two things:

1. Don't invalidate each others feelings e.g. don't say you shouldn't feel like this bc I didn't mean it like this, but see that the other person is hurt and be compassionate about it instead of defensive.
2. I also wrote down that I don't want her to point fingers like "you started with feeling x so ...". I don't want us to defend our own beliefs but see each others feelings, even when you don't entirely understand them or are entirely logical to you.

Please note I wrote these things in a kind and sweet way, the two points are a short version of what I wrote down.

The reason why I haven't broken up with her yet or why I always want to keep believing in us is because we are really nice together when things do work out. I love being with her and she is very sweet and loving. I know she cares about me a lot.

Now we are in week 2 after this incident, and we haven't fought anymore since. Now the following issue came up:

I've always been a very passionate person. I care very much about music, I honestly think it is one of the most important things in my life. I produce music myself, and dream about making it my job.

My girlfriend isn't like that. She doesn't have a passion in life, which is of course totally fine to me. I understand that not everyone has this burning passion for his hobby/job or whatever and don't expect my girlfriend to have that.

The thing that bothers me is that when I talk about it, I often get the feeling that she is not really interested in what I'm saying. We've talked about this before and it's gotten better. She definitely shows more interest in my music and is more open to it.

Yesterday I was talking about how Fred Again is very inspirational to me and that I almost feel jealous of his talent and personality. I really look up to him and his career. I talk about this very passionately (only a few minutes), but I notice my girlfriend just doesn't really care about what I'm saying. She seems uninterested. I told her calmly that when she seems so uninterested when I talk about something that is very important to me, it hurts because I feel she doesn't care about something that is clearly important to me.

She said that I was right about what I felt, because she isn't interested in this Fred Again and doesn't care about him.

I told her that to me it is important that she cares about something I'm passionate about, and could at least show some interest. She responded by saying that I cannot expect us to have the same interests always, and that she does care about most of my music stuff. Just not about this topic.

I feel weird about this, because I feel like I would always be interested in something that my significant other is very passionate about or cares a lot about. Just because I care so much about this person, of course I care about what is most important to them in their lives. It is evident to me, but to her this obviously isn't.

She says that she already focusses on a lot of things, and really still has to put a lot of effort in communicating calmly and clearly. She doesn't want to live by a set of rules given by me and she doesn't want to feel like she has to think about every word she has to say to me, because she claims that she already has to think a lot already about the way that she communicates, which i do understand and see.

It has always been hard for me when she doesn't show interest when I'm very passionate about something. I guess I want to feel supported in what I'm passionate about. I would say that it even makes me doubt my relationship, especially with all the other things we've been through/going through. Am I overreacting? Or is this an expectation that is valid to have from my girlfriend? Or do I expect too much from her... Idk anymore.

TLDR; we've been through a hard and emotionally draining time due to my girlfriends mental issues. Now I don't feel like she's always interested about what I'm passionate about, and have a hard time accepting this.

It still hurts a lot to think about breaking up. I just never seem to really want to. It hurts to think about us both going our own way and meeting new people. I just wish we could work things out... It does sometimes feel like we aren't compatible but I just don't want to face it :( I just always want to believe that there's a future for us where we worked all this stuff out and that our good times will flourish and our bad times will fade and scars will heal...

Thanks for reading through all this. Any advice is welcome :)

submitted by /u/3D_WAFFLE_
[link] [comments]

* This article was originally published here

Was I wrong to tell my ex to f off?

My (28F) ex (30M) reached out to try and have a conversation but I eventually told him to leave me alone. Now for some context, we had a huge fight before we broke up 3 months ago. One of the reasons we broke up was because he was constantly mean, and would always insult me for no good reason. If I did anything wrong like forget to do something or some silly human mistake he would go off and attack me, calling me names and such. Whenever I pointed it out he blamed me for his behavior. It reached a point I feared talking to him about something vulnerable as he would probably use it against me in one way or another. Eventually we broke up, but in the end had a conversation and agreed we can be friends. Now a month later he reached out and sounded genuine telling me I could talk to him in case I had a problem or needed to talk. I took him up on his offer and told him I needed help with something that just needed him to send me a word document he had. He immediately changed and started calling me a pretender saying he can’t help because it will benefit me and my new boyfriend. I was surprised by this because I didn’t even have a new boyfriend and this request had nothing to do with anyone. It was purely for me and he knew that. I told him he was rude and he could have said no without the extra stuff. He said he just said it Incase I asked why I would already have the answer. I thought it was not okay but dropped the subject, didn’t respond and decided to move on with my life. A month later he reached out again, asking about my life and work. I asked him why he was interested and he said he was just asking. I didnt see an issue with that until he started asking if I am happy and i told him he cant come asking such questions after what he did last time and I didnt have to respond to anything now that we were broken up. He then said was the horrible person here and was being rude. was I wrong?

TLDR: my ex reached out after being rude to ask me about whats going on in my life but i told him I didnt have to answer. was I wrong?

submitted by /u/Theeunburnt
[link] [comments]

* This article was originally published here

I feel like my new partner keep all his problems inside

I (24M) and him (28M) have been dating for 4 months so it is recent, we don't live in the same city but manage to see each other every month.

He's a very loving and caring partner, he does a lot to satisfy me, as I do with him too. He always gets me flowers when we meet, invite me to diner and more, while I buy him gifts, diners and support him as much as I can.

However, I saw some problems already in the relationship. He's from Asia and they keep everything for themselves, he has a lot of stress because he pays for his studies by himself and work on the side, his grandpa passed away in his country 2 months ago and his uncle is at the hospital, he misses his family a lot but can't afford to travel there atm, he didn't see them for 3 years, his family struggle with money too because they had to pay for all the hospital bills for his grandpa and make around 500 euros per month, now less. He struggles a lot with money also in Europe despite his hard work, but won't accept my help (I'm not very rich, still a student but I can live in a comfortable way with my parents help). But the problem is that he mentions all those problems, I can see how much it impacts him, but he won't open himself to me. He told me he didn't cry since he was 10.

I can feel that he has a lot of insecurities, he told me that also. Sometimes, I'd make comments that I find normal. One day during a fight at the beginning before dating, I told him we might not be compatible, which to me is just a fact and not bad, but he said I "looked down" on him, and made him vulnerable. When I want to go to a nice bar, he doesn't want to because he feels like he doesn't "belong" there and people will judge him for his look (Tattoos and piercings). To me, as a gay man, I clearly don't give a f**** to what people might think of me or if I can/can't afford to be in a place.

Now here come the problem (to me): He feels empty, like he doesn't exist on his own, and he has to be part of a community. He joined the underground community and like activism which is nice, but actually never do anything. His only hobby is to go to illegal raves under bridges, in abandoned buildings with people and get drunk, dance to techno surrounded by people who does lot of drugs (he doesn't do drugs) with no one to look after them, since it's not a real club but illegal. He only feels like himself there he told me. I have nothing against clubs, if you like techno then go for it, but be reasonable, it causes me a lot of stress that he goes out that much and not just for fun, but just to be "free" to be him. I wish he could connect more to his emotions and be himself all the time. He saw that it caused me stress so he reduced his clubbing moments, but now he doesn't look happy, I don't know what to do. The world have so many amazing things to explore, why only just go to night clubs? When he visited me 2 weeks ago, I showed him Paris and we had so many great moments, he told me it was the best week end of his life and that he feels so peaceful with me. Also, his group of friends are the same, They are all struggling and go to raves all the time , so he joins them. He has FOMO when he misses one party and feels so bad and guilty. He follows like 150 raves on Instagram so it constantly there. The fact that ALL his friends are only partying and not doing anything else doesn't help I think, but I can't tell him to make new friends, I find it inappropriate.

I see a therapist and that helped me a lot, I wish he could see the extraordinary and hardworking person he is and feels good all the time. When I read his messages to my therapist, she told me it sounds like an identity crisis, but he's 28, I'm so anxious, she said it might pass but no one can be sure. When I ask myself what do I want, my reply is someone that matches my lifestyle, who can enjoy museums, concerts, walking in the park and nice diners. I don't like clubs but I don't mind it since we don't have to share all our interests, as long as it's reasonable. But at the same time, before meeting my therapist, I was that insecure person and my way to feel better was compulsive shopping, and him its the raves, so I understand him. I'm just so lost on what to do.

I love him, but this is too intense for me, I don't know what else I can do, I know I can't heal him but how could I open his eyes? What do you think on that situation or have you been in a similar one?

TL;DR! - my partner doesn't share his feelings and emotions with me, and always feel empty until he goes to underground illegal raves where he can feel free to be "him".

submitted by /u/Asuriiid
[link] [comments]

* This article was originally published here

Ways by which narcissists punish you in relationship - Hindustan Times

Ways by which narcissists punish you in relationship  Hindustan Times

* This article was originally published here

boyfriend (19m) blocked me (18m) for bringing up his mom during an arguement

we've been together for 5 months

basically my bf made a comment which he apparently intended as a joke towards my cat, saying that all I care about is my cat and that I love it more than him, then proceeded to say he'd abuse and run over the cat with a truck.

after I called him out he apologized and said he was joking but it didn't seem genuine, I told him do you not realize how messed up it is to threaten to kill my cat that I care about.

I was mad at him obviously so I told him "what if I joked about f'ing your mom" (he's a HUGE mamas boy) to which he replied by telling me "don't ever bring my mom up again, I'm not letting this slide." and blocked me. I know it was a mistake to talk about his parents and I messed up but idk what to do now.

please cut me some slack as this is my first relationship and i am naïve, and its long distance as he lives 40 minutes away from me, any advice on what to do because I feel so lost right now, Ik we both messed up but I care about him so much and I want to fix this but i'm not sure if I should reach out.

TL;DR: bf blocked me bc I joked about f'ing his mom

submitted by /u/sophieanddat
[link] [comments]

* This article was originally published here

Should I (28/f) cancel my first date with (27/m) after being ignored all of yesterday?

Tl;dr - we were both honest about wanting intimacy and not being able to find what we’re looking for in partners. He was really straightforward with me and I was with him. He’s called me almost every night since we met, we text first.

I called him too but it was mainly him, he felt comfortable calling me when he thought about me or wanted to know I was smiling or to hear my laugh. Admittedly, it’s only been a week but it’s been a great start. I’m not invested because things happen I guess, I’d be very disappointed and I think it’d take some time to get over this. Things are intense and I’m excited to see what will happen between us.

Things were going well until I said something about an insecurity with being intimate, I want to take things slow and get to know him in person. I don’t have a timeframe but I said I won’t rush into anting sexual. He was offended and said he doesn’t want me to hold back.

He wants passion and some sort of closeness while getting to know me. It’s important we’re physical. I’m not the same, I need time to ease into it and the more we spend time together the more we’ll grow closer together. I want passion just not straight away.

Anyway, I need advice because I don’t know if I should give him the benefit or doubt and still meet up for our first date today. The friction between us happened the day before yesterday. He ignored my messages I sent and didn’t call.

This morning he message me on WhatsApp (another app to the one we’ve been communicating on) trying to confirm our date. I know some people don’t like talking the day or sometimes days before the first date. I don’t know what to make of it. He’s been on social media and using it as if he wasn’t busy at all.

I could be over thinking it, he was big on communicating and feeling comfortable with each other. He said he’d never leave me feeling confused, neglected or unsure of his intentions. Except I do now.

I need advice, should I cancel our first date?

submitted by /u/Maleficent-Weekend66
[link] [comments]

* This article was originally published here