I (24M) and him (28M) have been dating for 4 months so it is recent, we don't live in the same city but manage to see each other every month.
He's a very loving and caring partner, he does a lot to satisfy me, as I do with him too. He always gets me flowers when we meet, invite me to diner and more, while I buy him gifts, diners and support him as much as I can.
However, I saw some problems already in the relationship. He's from Asia and they keep everything for themselves, he has a lot of stress because he pays for his studies by himself and work on the side, his grandpa passed away in his country 2 months ago and his uncle is at the hospital, he misses his family a lot but can't afford to travel there atm, he didn't see them for 3 years, his family struggle with money too because they had to pay for all the hospital bills for his grandpa and make around 500 euros per month, now less. He struggles a lot with money also in Europe despite his hard work, but won't accept my help (I'm not very rich, still a student but I can live in a comfortable way with my parents help). But the problem is that he mentions all those problems, I can see how much it impacts him, but he won't open himself to me. He told me he didn't cry since he was 10.
I can feel that he has a lot of insecurities, he told me that also. Sometimes, I'd make comments that I find normal. One day during a fight at the beginning before dating, I told him we might not be compatible, which to me is just a fact and not bad, but he said I "looked down" on him, and made him vulnerable. When I want to go to a nice bar, he doesn't want to because he feels like he doesn't "belong" there and people will judge him for his look (Tattoos and piercings). To me, as a gay man, I clearly don't give a f**** to what people might think of me or if I can/can't afford to be in a place.
Now here come the problem (to me): He feels empty, like he doesn't exist on his own, and he has to be part of a community. He joined the underground community and like activism which is nice, but actually never do anything. His only hobby is to go to illegal raves under bridges, in abandoned buildings with people and get drunk, dance to techno surrounded by people who does lot of drugs (he doesn't do drugs) with no one to look after them, since it's not a real club but illegal. He only feels like himself there he told me. I have nothing against clubs, if you like techno then go for it, but be reasonable, it causes me a lot of stress that he goes out that much and not just for fun, but just to be "free" to be him. I wish he could connect more to his emotions and be himself all the time. He saw that it caused me stress so he reduced his clubbing moments, but now he doesn't look happy, I don't know what to do. The world have so many amazing things to explore, why only just go to night clubs? When he visited me 2 weeks ago, I showed him Paris and we had so many great moments, he told me it was the best week end of his life and that he feels so peaceful with me. Also, his group of friends are the same, They are all struggling and go to raves all the time , so he joins them. He has FOMO when he misses one party and feels so bad and guilty. He follows like 150 raves on Instagram so it constantly there. The fact that ALL his friends are only partying and not doing anything else doesn't help I think, but I can't tell him to make new friends, I find it inappropriate.
I see a therapist and that helped me a lot, I wish he could see the extraordinary and hardworking person he is and feels good all the time. When I read his messages to my therapist, she told me it sounds like an identity crisis, but he's 28, I'm so anxious, she said it might pass but no one can be sure. When I ask myself what do I want, my reply is someone that matches my lifestyle, who can enjoy museums, concerts, walking in the park and nice diners. I don't like clubs but I don't mind it since we don't have to share all our interests, as long as it's reasonable. But at the same time, before meeting my therapist, I was that insecure person and my way to feel better was compulsive shopping, and him its the raves, so I understand him. I'm just so lost on what to do.
I love him, but this is too intense for me, I don't know what else I can do, I know I can't heal him but how could I open his eyes? What do you think on that situation or have you been in a similar one?
TL;DR! - my partner doesn't share his feelings and emotions with me, and always feel empty until he goes to underground illegal raves where he can feel free to be "him".
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