I had been dating a guy from work for 4 years (Ron) and we were inseparable - we never argued once or had tension. It was the easiest relationship I'd ever been in. Ron had a friend from his past (Rachel) and they had a relationship for 2 years less than a year ago ago but remained friends - I've never asked him much about this because I didn't care, and he told me they are just friends, and with the way I felt so secure around Ron, I never had to doubt what he felt for me. He pursued me for about 2 years before we dated for 4 years, which is crazy persistence. In our relationship he has shown his care for me time and time again. I've never felt unloved by him.
Ron and Rachel went for lunch. Rachel told our mutual friend Hannah that Ron admitted to her that he still had feelings for her and that he was dating me out of convenience amongst some other not nice comments. As the story goes, Rachel turned him down. Hannah relayed all of this to me, absolutely fuming at Ron. I was heartbroken at what I heard.
When I confronted Ron about this, he was shocked. He called up Hannah to find the truth who then denied that she said anything of the like to me. I cut off Hannah because whilst I appreciate what she told me (she put her friendship with Rachel on the line), her lying to Ron when that was the chance to confront him with what she alleges is the truth, was at my expense. It broke me and Ron.
Hannah to this day maintains that Ron did say those things, and she claims Ron and Rachel agreed to not tell me the truth, knowing that it would hurt my feelings. She claims they have admitted this in front of her. It is just so far from my reality of Ron that it crushes me everyday. I broke up with him because I spent months trying to piece together the truth - Ron claiming it is all a lie, Hannah claiming he is ofc going to lie to me and has admitted this to her personally, and Rachel blocked me at some point because she didn't want to get involved and didn't want me to ask her for the truth. It drove me insane.
Im heartbroken because I'm going through a breakup now that I never wanted - we were so good together, but I cannot trust or forgive Ron. Not least because everytime I get close to it, or he apologises to me for this situation that exploded, Hannah's words are etched in my head that 'Ron will never be honest with me because he and Rachel agreed not to.'
Frankly, the breakup is 30% of my pain right now. The other 70% is reeling from what feels like my reality to be broken:
- Ron vs Hannah's extremely polar opposite accounts messed with my head for months. How will I ever know which version is right.
- What Ron said about our relationship (allegedly) is so different to my experience of it. It was entirely a 50:50 relationship and he was the one who said he wanted this to lead to marriage. Only for Hannah to relay that he is dating me for convenience because I am still here after 6 years of knowing him, but that he has suppressed feelings for Rachel and tried to give her another shot. I couldn't believe it.
My reality is warped. I can't get over the rage and hurt I feel with never knowing the truth - did Ron betray me, did he not. Was what we had real, I will never know. I broke up with him because I couldn't make peace with not knowing if he broke my trust or didn't, but I miss him endlessly because we had it so good. I can't tell if he is a pathological liar (Hannah's view) or has had his words misconstrued (deep down, I feel like he did say those things. Because who wakes up one day and makes this rumour? and how else could Hannah have been SO angry at Ron on my behalf? and even the thought of him having put our relationship on the line like this, makes me resent him).
I don't know how to heal from lies and betrayal when I don't even know how deep the betrayal actually is, and I don't know what my reality is. I'm just sobbing everyday at what feels like enough people having messed with my head. Advice is so welcome :(
tl;dr: my now ex bf (Ron) who I had dated for 4 years and knew for 6 years allegedly told his ex girlfriend (Rachel) that he had feelings for her still and was dating me for convenience. I got word of this through our mutual friend (Hannah). Ron claims nothing of the like was said. Hannah claims him and Rachel have a pact to lie to me so that him and I don't break up. How do I make peace with my warped reality?
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* This article was originally published here
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