I plan on breaking up with my boyfriend soon, we haven't been the same in a while. And we have tried too many times to fix things. Recently my anxiety became horrible, to the point that i am throwing up and physically feeling pain. I've been thinking a lot about the things i did in the past during our relationship. He's my first boyfriend and we go to seperate colleges in seperate cities. We have been in a LDR for 1.5yrs now. We had just started dating when we moved away to go to our colleges. At that time I found a guy in my class kinda attractive and fun to talk to. However, i never wanted to get with him, and my boyfriend was my first and only choice. I can never imagine cheating on him, i love him dearly. The guy crossed my mind a few times but i tried to shut it off. And eventually i could, i forgot about his existence. I had also indirectly told him i have a bf, so that things wouldn't escalate. I also thought another guy in my friend group was attractive and i enjoyed talking to him. But I've never thought of cheating on my boyfriend or choosing someone else above him. I have a lot of love and respect for him.
I told him about this a week back, and apologized a lot, he forgave me pretty quickly, but I'm not able to forgive myself.
I don't know why now, after an year, I'm thinking about all this all of a sudden, and I'm feeling insanely guilty and disgusted with myself. I feel like i wronged my boyfriend. Not just this, my intrusive thoughts have gotten to the point that, I'm imagining things with his friends, i never ever thought this way before, and now in my head I'm like, oh u would make out with any of his friends, u r capable of this, if u think anyone looks good, ull do it. And then I'm imagining it and crying, and being disgusted by myself. I would never do something like this in a million years. But I'm just thinking of every other guy i know and imagining it and then blaming myself for imaging it. It's like telling urself don't imagine an orange. Uve already imagined the orange while telling urself not to. It's getting really out of control. I've never felt this way before or thought this way before. I feel disgusted with myself for imagining it but as i tell myself to not think of it, i keep thinking more. And trust me ive only seen these people in pictures, never met them, never thought about them. All of this is giving me a lot of anxiety, making me feel like I'm an out of control freak. Ive never felt this way before or thought something to this extent. I just think the worst possible thing and apologize to him in my head, and to god. And just think that it's fine, we r gonna end anyway, he will be better off without me coz i have such a sick mind.
I would really appreciate if someone would talk to me about this. As i basically have no one to talk about this, openly. Normally I would've gone to my bf for help, but this is too sick.
TLDR: I'm having intrusive thoughts, that i would never do.
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