I’m (28) confused by this gamer girl (24)

I’m not really much of a gamer. Recently I played an online game just for a few months and met a girl on the game who has a personality just like mine and is from the same area as me.

As we played together she would make flirty jokes. I didn’t really think much of it. Then, unfortunately, her friend in real life died. I spent a lot of quality time with her that night after that to make her feel better.

Over the next few weeks, she started telling me about how lonely she is, how she’s not happy anywhere. She would also complain about the boyfriend on occasion. I didn’t cross any lines and only offered encouraging words as a friend (didn’t respond to comments about the boyfriend). Then she started saying things that confused me — for example, how she sometimes thinks about her brother and I being good friends.

From what she told me about the boyfriend, it sounded like a toxic relationship with an unhealthy power-dynamic. She also told me she might break up with the boyfriend and move back to my area.

I quit the game and didn’t think we’d talk much after. I figured if she became single and lived in my area, I’d ask her out. She started to hit me up for small talk — how I’m doing, how my day went, etc. When girls do this to me on a regular basis, it’s always been because they have a thing for me.

She told me she’ll be back in my area soon to take care of her family, and that she might not be going back — I took that to mean the breakup was coming.

We kept talking on the regular, but now without me playing the game at all. I don’t really keep up with gamer friends outside of games, so this was new to me.

Then in one of our conversations she tells me she’s living her dream (playing video games while the boyfriend works). Then she posts in a massive server about how her boyfriend keeps the relationship interesting and how she’s going to marry him. She also told me she “visits” my area often — so it doesn’t seem like she’ll be “permanently” back anymore.

I got her a nice birthday gift and after that, I essentially told her we can’t talk much anymore. I’m trying to start my own business and need to focus, and the connections I make with people I want to be IRL.

This seems to have upset her, she totally shunned me when I tried explaining things further. I also got kicked from a small server she maintains, so seems like there’s some bad blood here. In my experience, if a girl is shunning you — she thinks you’re a creep or she’s gossiping about you to others.

We haven’t had a conversation in weeks now, so it seems like maybe the friendship is over?

I’ve never been into a girl online, ever. I even tried multiple times during the friendship to push this girl away but she kept wanting to hang alone with just me on the game (she would ditch her friends for me and I never asked her to).

My therapist and IRL friends have told me I made the right decision to distance myself, but why do I feel so guilty then?

I’m pretty sure I did the right thing — I didn’t try to ruin my friend’s relationship, I didn’t try to end the friendship I was just trying to say I need space to focus on my business and IRL friends, and I even got a nice birthday gift to make sure it was clear that we are indeed still friends.

tl;dr: I felt uncomfortable doing small talk with a girl in a relationship who seemed interested in me, and that upsets her.

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* This article was originally published here

Struggling with the intentions of my BF's (27M) female co-worker (30F)

Hey guys!
Two questions for you as I’d love to get opinions from other people on this. It’s not really a problem in our relationship as we talk about all this openly and reassure each other a lot. But I’d love some opinions as I personally am struggling (silently) a bit with her actions/her (unclear) intentions. Something is bugging me a bit.

1) What do you think about one-on-ones between a female co-worker (not single but unstable relationship) and a male co-worker (been in a relationship for over 10 years) after work, meaning going for drinks, for example? My BF's colleague asked him to go for a coffee or drink after work sometime. I know from my BF for him it would only be to keep up friendships at the office as he didn't have that in his previous job and I love that he gets on with people there. But who knows if it's platonic for her?

2) If the female co-worker really enjoys my bf’s company at work, likes chatting to him, is open when it comes to talking about sex, asks what he likes in a woman, invites him to her parties (with other work colleagues though) and texts him every now and then outside of work (most recent being a text in the morning about her looking forward to seeing him after she’s been off for a few days or also asking for advice about her relationship), do you think that this alone could mean she’s interested in him?

She's Spanish and did also apparently mention to my BF in a conversation that Spanish people tend to be a lot more open to stuff and also having close friends of the same sex is less of a problem for them. So maybe she does just see him as a friend?

TL;DR: I'm not sure what my BF's female co-worker's intentions are.

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* This article was originally published here

Emotionally unavailable men, women and why you're attracted to them - USA TODAY

Emotionally unavailable men, women and why you're attracted to them  USA TODAY

* This article was originally published here

Am I (24m) overreacting to my girlfriend (24f) not showing interest in my passionate side

Hey everyone

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost three years and it's not been easy. The first 6 months were great, but after that life got pretty shitty for the both of us. My girlfriend definitely had quite some anger issues which she had never faced. She definitely was a very dominant person. She wouldn't be physically aggressive, but was verbally very much so. I talked about this a lot with her and after some (way too long, almost a year) time, well actually when I was about to break up with her, she said that she understands me and agreed to go to therapy. this was around the 1.5 year mark.

Going to therapy was a slow process, but she started to heal. She is able to communicate her feelings calmly now, it is definitely a huge difference compared to how she used to be.

That doesn't mean that it still isn't hard sometimes. I definitely hold some scars from our past and am very sensitive if some of her dominant behaviour comes up.

Actually I almost broke up with her again a few weeks ago. We were fighting almost weekly having stupid fights again about really silly stuff. she would always defend her own viewpoint and would not try to see my point of view. She would always defend why she reacted like she did, but wouldn't show compassion or understanding to why something felt bad for me. I've tried to explain that we need to be ok with each others feelings even if we don't agree, because we cannot change how things make us feel but we can be understanding and compassionate about it towards each other. After trying to explain this for months I got tired of it and asked for a break of our relationship. She got very sad and again begged me to stay, saying she will do everything she can to make us work. She asked me to write down specifically how I want us to communicate when we have a disagreement so I did. I basically wrote these two things:

1. Don't invalidate each others feelings e.g. don't say you shouldn't feel like this bc I didn't mean it like this, but see that the other person is hurt and be compassionate about it instead of defensive.
2. I also wrote down that I don't want her to point fingers like "you started with feeling x so ...". I don't want us to defend our own beliefs but see each others feelings, even when you don't entirely understand them or are entirely logical to you.

Please note I wrote these things in a kind and sweet way, the two points are a short version of what I wrote down.

The reason why I haven't broken up with her yet or why I always want to keep believing in us is because we are really nice together when things do work out. I love being with her and she is very sweet and loving. I know she cares about me a lot.

Now we are in week 2 after this incident, and we haven't fought anymore since. Now the following issue came up:

I've always been a very passionate person. I care very much about music, I honestly think it is one of the most important things in my life. I produce music myself, and dream about making it my job.

My girlfriend isn't like that. She doesn't have a passion in life, which is of course totally fine to me. I understand that not everyone has this burning passion for his hobby/job or whatever and don't expect my girlfriend to have that.

The thing that bothers me is that when I talk about it, I often get the feeling that she is not really interested in what I'm saying. We've talked about this before and it's gotten better. She definitely shows more interest in my music and is more open to it.

Yesterday I was talking about how Fred Again is very inspirational to me and that I almost feel jealous of his talent and personality. I really look up to him and his career. I talk about this very passionately (only a few minutes), but I notice my girlfriend just doesn't really care about what I'm saying. She seems uninterested. I told her calmly that when she seems so uninterested when I talk about something that is very important to me, it hurts because I feel she doesn't care about something that is clearly important to me.

She said that I was right about what I felt, because she isn't interested in this Fred Again and doesn't care about him.

I told her that to me it is important that she cares about something I'm passionate about, and could at least show some interest. She responded by saying that I cannot expect us to have the same interests always, and that she does care about most of my music stuff. Just not about this topic.

I feel weird about this, because I feel like I would always be interested in something that my significant other is very passionate about or cares a lot about. Just because I care so much about this person, of course I care about what is most important to them in their lives. It is evident to me, but to her this obviously isn't.

She says that she already focusses on a lot of things, and really still has to put a lot of effort in communicating calmly and clearly. She doesn't want to live by a set of rules given by me and she doesn't want to feel like she has to think about every word she has to say to me, because she claims that she already has to think a lot already about the way that she communicates, which i do understand and see.

It has always been hard for me when she doesn't show interest when I'm very passionate about something. I guess I want to feel supported in what I'm passionate about. I would say that it even makes me doubt my relationship, especially with all the other things we've been through/going through. Am I overreacting? Or is this an expectation that is valid to have from my girlfriend? Or do I expect too much from her... Idk anymore.

TLDR; we've been through a hard and emotionally draining time due to my girlfriends mental issues. Now I don't feel like she's always interested about what I'm passionate about, and have a hard time accepting this.

It still hurts a lot to think about breaking up. I just never seem to really want to. It hurts to think about us both going our own way and meeting new people. I just wish we could work things out... It does sometimes feel like we aren't compatible but I just don't want to face it :( I just always want to believe that there's a future for us where we worked all this stuff out and that our good times will flourish and our bad times will fade and scars will heal...

Thanks for reading through all this. Any advice is welcome :)

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Was I wrong to tell my ex to f off?

My (28F) ex (30M) reached out to try and have a conversation but I eventually told him to leave me alone. Now for some context, we had a huge fight before we broke up 3 months ago. One of the reasons we broke up was because he was constantly mean, and would always insult me for no good reason. If I did anything wrong like forget to do something or some silly human mistake he would go off and attack me, calling me names and such. Whenever I pointed it out he blamed me for his behavior. It reached a point I feared talking to him about something vulnerable as he would probably use it against me in one way or another. Eventually we broke up, but in the end had a conversation and agreed we can be friends. Now a month later he reached out and sounded genuine telling me I could talk to him in case I had a problem or needed to talk. I took him up on his offer and told him I needed help with something that just needed him to send me a word document he had. He immediately changed and started calling me a pretender saying he can’t help because it will benefit me and my new boyfriend. I was surprised by this because I didn’t even have a new boyfriend and this request had nothing to do with anyone. It was purely for me and he knew that. I told him he was rude and he could have said no without the extra stuff. He said he just said it Incase I asked why I would already have the answer. I thought it was not okay but dropped the subject, didn’t respond and decided to move on with my life. A month later he reached out again, asking about my life and work. I asked him why he was interested and he said he was just asking. I didnt see an issue with that until he started asking if I am happy and i told him he cant come asking such questions after what he did last time and I didnt have to respond to anything now that we were broken up. He then said was the horrible person here and was being rude. was I wrong?

TLDR: my ex reached out after being rude to ask me about whats going on in my life but i told him I didnt have to answer. was I wrong?

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* This article was originally published here

I feel like my new partner keep all his problems inside

I (24M) and him (28M) have been dating for 4 months so it is recent, we don't live in the same city but manage to see each other every month.

He's a very loving and caring partner, he does a lot to satisfy me, as I do with him too. He always gets me flowers when we meet, invite me to diner and more, while I buy him gifts, diners and support him as much as I can.

However, I saw some problems already in the relationship. He's from Asia and they keep everything for themselves, he has a lot of stress because he pays for his studies by himself and work on the side, his grandpa passed away in his country 2 months ago and his uncle is at the hospital, he misses his family a lot but can't afford to travel there atm, he didn't see them for 3 years, his family struggle with money too because they had to pay for all the hospital bills for his grandpa and make around 500 euros per month, now less. He struggles a lot with money also in Europe despite his hard work, but won't accept my help (I'm not very rich, still a student but I can live in a comfortable way with my parents help). But the problem is that he mentions all those problems, I can see how much it impacts him, but he won't open himself to me. He told me he didn't cry since he was 10.

I can feel that he has a lot of insecurities, he told me that also. Sometimes, I'd make comments that I find normal. One day during a fight at the beginning before dating, I told him we might not be compatible, which to me is just a fact and not bad, but he said I "looked down" on him, and made him vulnerable. When I want to go to a nice bar, he doesn't want to because he feels like he doesn't "belong" there and people will judge him for his look (Tattoos and piercings). To me, as a gay man, I clearly don't give a f**** to what people might think of me or if I can/can't afford to be in a place.

Now here come the problem (to me): He feels empty, like he doesn't exist on his own, and he has to be part of a community. He joined the underground community and like activism which is nice, but actually never do anything. His only hobby is to go to illegal raves under bridges, in abandoned buildings with people and get drunk, dance to techno surrounded by people who does lot of drugs (he doesn't do drugs) with no one to look after them, since it's not a real club but illegal. He only feels like himself there he told me. I have nothing against clubs, if you like techno then go for it, but be reasonable, it causes me a lot of stress that he goes out that much and not just for fun, but just to be "free" to be him. I wish he could connect more to his emotions and be himself all the time. He saw that it caused me stress so he reduced his clubbing moments, but now he doesn't look happy, I don't know what to do. The world have so many amazing things to explore, why only just go to night clubs? When he visited me 2 weeks ago, I showed him Paris and we had so many great moments, he told me it was the best week end of his life and that he feels so peaceful with me. Also, his group of friends are the same, They are all struggling and go to raves all the time , so he joins them. He has FOMO when he misses one party and feels so bad and guilty. He follows like 150 raves on Instagram so it constantly there. The fact that ALL his friends are only partying and not doing anything else doesn't help I think, but I can't tell him to make new friends, I find it inappropriate.

I see a therapist and that helped me a lot, I wish he could see the extraordinary and hardworking person he is and feels good all the time. When I read his messages to my therapist, she told me it sounds like an identity crisis, but he's 28, I'm so anxious, she said it might pass but no one can be sure. When I ask myself what do I want, my reply is someone that matches my lifestyle, who can enjoy museums, concerts, walking in the park and nice diners. I don't like clubs but I don't mind it since we don't have to share all our interests, as long as it's reasonable. But at the same time, before meeting my therapist, I was that insecure person and my way to feel better was compulsive shopping, and him its the raves, so I understand him. I'm just so lost on what to do.

I love him, but this is too intense for me, I don't know what else I can do, I know I can't heal him but how could I open his eyes? What do you think on that situation or have you been in a similar one?

TL;DR! - my partner doesn't share his feelings and emotions with me, and always feel empty until he goes to underground illegal raves where he can feel free to be "him".

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Ways by which narcissists punish you in relationship - Hindustan Times

Ways by which narcissists punish you in relationship  Hindustan Times

* This article was originally published here