CapStar Adds 4 Commercial Relationship Managers For New Chattanooga Bank The Chattanoogan
* This article was originally published here
Monday, July 11, 2022
Sunday, July 10, 2022
I am in the limbo and I am not sure what to think about this
I (M24) am seeing a F22 woman who has been a friend of mine for a while. Then at some point we deepened our connection and we got into some sort of weird limbo that I never really understood. Like, we did stuff that couples do, we talked until 6am in my car, we did nice trips, and even when I went to another continent for a few months we had lots of phonecalls and everything. It was very intense emotionally and it really looked like we liked each other a lot. However, she never wanted to exit the limbo, basically it seemed she just wanted me as close as possible but neither as a friend nor as a boyfriend, so I had to break it up. We were definitely each other's most important person so it sucked. After three months of no contact, we talked about it a few days ago and she said that she knows it's a defense mechanism. a) She has had a traumatic 4 year long relationship that makes her associate commitment to self-sacrifice and now she's in a comfort zone where the idea of dating a random guy that she doesn't even know feels less pressuring to her, because she could exit the dynamic at any point. With me, indeed, pressure is the problem: we know each other very well, it would be real intimacy and she would have to give her best. b) She told me she is definitely not great at understanding her emotions and it takes a lot of effort, so a serious relationship would be quite demanding for her. c) She told me she might have suppressed her feelings and that after her breakup (one year and a half ago) she has felt like she was compensating for the fact that she was too vulnerable before - so she forced herself to feel "less".
She is taking some time to think about it, but I am not sure how to feel about this whole story. Do you have any comments / insights? Thanks!
tl;dr i am in the limbo and i'm not sure what to do. I am only 24 and I know much more experienced people might have a better insight than me on this.
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* This article was originally published here
Saturday, July 9, 2022
My boyfriend downloaded Tinder the day after we got into an argument
I (26F) have been dating my boyfriend (30 M) for about a year. This was my first time dating someone and overall we were very happy together. Two months ago we got into an argument and we stopped contacting each other. I called him a few days later and asked him why he didn't call and if we were done but he just said that he was busy and would call me later. He never called so I assumed that we were over (I really thought that he would call so it took me more than a month to realize that we were really over). This was our third time breaking up so I told myself that no matter what happened, I would never get back with him.
Two weeks ago, he called me and said that he was really sorry and wanted to get back together. I still loved him a lot so I decided to get back with him. The day after we started dating, he asked if he could stay at my place for a month until he found a new place to live (I'm currently in grad school and live alone). He recently moved to a new apartment but he said he was looking for a new place to live because he couldn't sleep well at the new apartment due to some weird smell. I sort of didn't want him to but he begged so I allowed him to stay. One of my friend said that he just contacted me because he had no place to go and wanted to stay somewhere for free but I didn't want to believe her.
Fast forward to today, I was watching Netflix on his MacBook (with his permission) and his text icon started to blink. I shouldn't have but I pressed it and read a few of his messages. I found out that he downloaded Hinge and Tinder the day after we got into an argument. He even went on a few dates a few days after our argument.
I was devastated and I couldn't believe that he would cheat on me. I called him immediately and told him what I saw and that I wanted him to give me some space and stay at his apartment. He said he was sorry and that everything was true. He said he downloaded the app because he thought we were done and he wanted to forget me quickly. I was devastated and I told him that I couldn't believe that he would cheat on me. He said he technically didn't cheat because we were over (even though he did not verbally say anything to me). He said that he loved me so much and that he learned so much within the 2 months that we were apart. He said he realized that I was the one and that he couldn't live without me.
I really think that he loves me but I'm not sure if I can really trust him anymore.
tl;dr: my boyfriend downloaded tinder and hinge the day after we got into a fight and went on a few dates a week later
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, July 8, 2022
Thursday, July 7, 2022
Starting a business with my husband... the arrangement doesn't feel fair to me [me 27f, husband 28m of 5 years]
Using a throwaway because he'd be able to identify me based on my other work-related posts.
For some background, my husband and I work in the same industry and met at university while studying similar disciplines. We work in creative fields and naturally, work and personal life begin to blend when your practice is so deeply rooted in what you love - this is something that we really bond over. Like, what we do for work is also what we'd do for fun.
We've always talked about working together someday but were on slightly different paths over the past few years. My husband was working within an agency that wound up going remote, like most businesses did, during the pandemic. At the same time, I was building my freelance business, which was already remote by nature.
For additional context, I got started on my career a little later than him, we're an international couple and I was the one to immigrate, which took time, money, and for some of it, I wasn't allowed to work. When I did finally get my visa and gained the right to employment in this country, it was mid-2020 and the pandemic was in full swing, we wound up moving away from the city, living in his parent's basement for over 6 months, and it wasn't exactly the right time or environment for me to go out and apply to agencies myself, since everyone was being laid off or furloughed. I mention this because this was the starting point of my career, I went from being unemployed in a new country to growing a freelance business through word of mouth alone and making an income that was triple that of my husband's salary within a year. So... this was a huge feat for me, I care a lot about what I do, how it was built, and the stability that it has offered us. Though we have a pooled income, I went from feeling inferior and like I wasn't bringing anything to the table, to being the breadwinner - which my husband was proud of me for and would openly express to others.
When all work went remote, we went from spending the hours of 9 to 5 apart, to working together in the same room... starting in his parent's home and then moving back to the city where we found a place with a beautiful space for our studio in the home. For some couples, this was hell, for us, though it presented some challenges, it actually brought us closer together, as a couple as well as professionally. This arrangement actually combated the loneliness that so many felt, especially because we would relate to one another professionally and actually provide feedback and collaboration on one another's work. This lead us to occasionally sawp work, provide support on upcoming deadlines, and even take on several clients together on the side.
The more success I saw with my business, the more apparent it became that the nature of work was never going to return to the way that it was, my husband began talking about leaving his agency job and joining me to start a company together. Working for ourselves would ultimately be more profitable, more flexible, and more fulfilling, it seemed like the right idea.
I helped him devise his exit strategy and supported him while he put his plans into motion.
Around the same time, one of his previous colleagues who had already left the company to start his own venture reached out to my husband to see if he'd have availability to help him with a side project. My husband agreed to it since it seemed like a really interesting prospect and would pay slightly. He expressed how he really wanted me to get involved in the project as well and that this could be one of our first clients together.
I was introduced to the colleague and began to get involved at a smaller capacity since I was already overbooked with other projects that I had to see through first. During this time, an offer was made to my husband for him to join at a larger capacity when he left his job, which he was excited about and made it seem like an opportunity that we would share. We discussed that, when he did leave his job, we would both work on this new project but he would also help me wrap up the projects with my current clients, some of which weren't as exciting or sexy, but had provided a lot of value and leads thus far... with the idea being that we'd transition them out together and pursue more exciting projects to take on as a team.
So... this was all very exciting, during this period I also registered my business officially, under a name that my husband and I came up with together with plans of working under as a team. This meant a lot, since this was a business that I built, I made sure that he was 100% serious about joining me because I didn't want to have the namesake of my business be based on the both of us if he wasn't going to truly be a part of it - he confirmed that he was firm in his intentions.
But... as he was leaving his job, officially submitting his letter and going through the process of offboarding, the head of his side project offered him a full-time position. I asked if this changed anything for him, if he was still going to join me and work on it together or if he wanted to operate within this startup, solo. He again confirmed that his intention was still, and was always to join me in business and work together as a team, under our company, as an independent contractor of this startup. We talked extensively about how that would work, how we would operate, how much time would be allocated to what project, responsibilities for both of us, and how this would be proposed to the head of the startup project.
During this time, I also began the process of meeting the team behind this startup and integrating in. After several meetings with the head of the project, I was offered a part-time position... due to budget and funding, TBD as to whether or not I'd join at a larger capacity when those things were known.
Now, while this was an exciting offer, it became clear to me that my husband did not communicate clearly, to the startup or myself, about his intentions. Per the discussions between my husband and I, it was agreed that the startup's offer would translate to the total number of hours that our company would work for them each week, not "part time / fulltime". After receiving this offer, I had a discussion with my husband about what this meant, would he still be working with me to wrap up the other client projects? Are we still working under our business? Would both offers equate to a total of 60 hours a week dedicated to the startup, 30 per person?
He expressed that he would need to allocate the majority of his time to the startup because they were expecting that he'd be working for them fulltime, and hadn't discussed the breakdown with them.
Basically, he agreed to go into business with me but he also agreed to go full-time with this startup...
It seems like he's trying to satisfy both parties but is ultimately going to disappoint one or both.
To add to this, the amount that the startup can offer is a slight pay-cut to his previous salary, and a significant pay-cut to mine. We both understand the value that this can bring and are willing to invest our time in something that we believe in. However, I'm basically in the process of offboarding several high-paying clients in order to make room for this opportunity, only for it not to pan out how we had initially discussed.
Now, it feels like in addition to this startup project, I'll need to take on another client or two in order to support us. This would be fine if we were both working for the startup 30 hours a week and had room to manage another project to supplement our income, but because my husband is 'fulltime' and I'm 'parttime' it feels like this responsibility has landed on my shoulders alone. He says he'll help but again there's this 'expectation' from the startup that they have him 100%.
Beyond the division of labor, this just isn't the way that I wanted to start a business together... because it doesn't feel like we're in it together. We named my business for the both of us, he made a commitment to doing this together but then took a different offer without being clear to myself or the client about his intentions. He keeps encouraging me to stick to the plan, to make room in my schedule to also go 'fulltime' if / when funding is received (but when is unknown)... but it feels like I have less time to make an impact on this project while he has more time to solidify his position with them. The whole thing makes me feel like I'm being put at a disadvantage, with the startup as well as with my own business which I've worked so hard to build... without clarity as to where I'll stand when my husband has something that's certain.
It doesn't feel like the right foot to start on together. I really want this opportunity with the startup, which is very exciting, right up my alley, and has a lot of potential. Together, we're incredibly well-suited to do the work, but with the current arrangement, it doesn't feel like we're doing it together at all. If we were building a business together we'd split the client hours 50/50 and spend the other time, together, on other projects or outreach.
I've tried to talk to him about how this outcome has made me feel like he isn't really intending to join me in business, but each time he says that he is, that we can even divide the hours between the two of us behind the scenes, that we'll do other client work together, etc. However... he doesn't feel the need to tell the client that's how we're operating and it can just be between us... so when he's treated like a fulltime employee buy the client on calls and in conversation, and he let's it happen, I don't feel valued in the way that I'd want to if we were truly working together as a team.
We're going to be getting into some more business planning and conversations in the next weeks and I really need to address this before moving forward, with anything. In order to have a good working relationship I need to feel respected and valued as well, by both him and our clients.
I realize that this is a very long post and an incredibly specific situation but any advice would be appreciated, especially on how to clearly and calmly conduct this conversation with my husband, what I should be asking of him, and what I should and shouldn't settle for.
Thank you
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TLDR: My husband and I are going into business together, after several months of preparation, talking, planning, and him taking action and leaving his job, he's "accepted" an offer to go full-time with a client that was supposed to be a joint project. He still says that we're working together, under our business, and that work can be divided between the two of us, but client-facing he's expected to deliver on a full-time basis... It feels like he's trying to satisfy both parties but will ultimately disappoint one, or both. At the moment, I'm disappointed as this client is an incredible opportunity, but the current arrangement leaves me responsible for all of our other work and without enough time to get fully involved in the project.
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, July 6, 2022
Tuesday, July 5, 2022
My gf (F18) thinks I cheated when I didn't (M20) and is now dumping me
My girlfriend and I have been dating for roughly a month but we had been talking on and off for 3 months prior. During our talking phase, she was on tinder and was hanging out with a lot of different guys and I was on tinder as well. When we made it official, I deleted tinder and pretty much all of the girls I met from their off snap. My gf on the other hand, kept several of them on her snap because they were her "friends." I don't mind her having guy friends but the fact that she has slept with this guys and insist on still talking to them bothers me. I told her this but she insist she doesn't like that like that so I let it slide. Then yesterday, she told me she was going to be hanging out alone with one of the guys she met on tinder and has slept with. I told her I didn't like that but I trusted her. Then I did something immature. I asked one of my girl friends from highschool to hangout that day. Me and this girl were never involved romantically. I told my gf that I was going to hangout with her and she did not oppose. My girlfriend texted me pretty much the whole time to assure me nothing was happening. However, me and my friend from hs had not talked in like 3 years so we had a lot to catch up on, and as to not be disrespectful, I didn't wanna use my phone while we were talking. After an hour, I finally use the bathroom and check my phone and my gf is freaking tf. At this point I call her and realize she is positive I cheated. At this point I left my friend and went home to call her. She is sure I cheated and is now on the verge of dumping me. What I did was immature sure, but I genuinely just wanted to show her that if I did the same thing as her, she wouldn't be ok with it. I did not cheat or even get close to cheating as I would never do that. I guess I just want some advice. Do I just let her go, because convincing her seems impossible.
tldr: my gf was hanging out alone with a guy she has slept with and I got jealous so I hung out with a girl I knew in hs and she is accusing me of cheating and wanting to dump me.
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* This article was originally published here
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