I (29F) really need your advice in figuring out how to deal with my sister (44F) and her husband (42M)

I need to take in your anonymous thoughts or advice to figure out how to deal with my sister Lori and her man Brandon.

It is a very complex story to write down but I'll try to keep it as comprehensible and clean as I can. I will also keep it vague, as I do not want to be identified.

TL;DR

1. Lori and Brandon broke contact with the rest of my family except for me and a mutual sibling. They pushed me into taking their side and do the same. When I told them I wouldn't break contact with the rest of the family, they harassed me for a whole year, weekly.
2. They had a cancer sick child which became fatal, making us re-establish contact. After her passing, we still interact and communicate, but it is really tough and painful at times.
3. I have since met a partner. He is understanding but fed up with how they have treated me and what Lori (but mostly Brandon are capable of.
4. I worry for Lori and her children because Brandon is intense and seems controlling/abusive. I want to be there for her and the children. At the same time, I am torn from the stress & harassment of the past.

___

History of harassment against me

Brandon and Lori had a child together who I had a special bond with. The child sadly got cancer.

At the same time they had a long-lasting fight with our parent and parent’s partner. The conflict spawned from racism and political views. Brandon and his children are darker colored than white. Ultimately my parent went no-contact with them and the only contact they had was with me and another sibling.

They tried pushing me into doing the same; taking their side. But it was their decision and fight. I did not want to end my relationships within my family. When I refused and stood up for myself they harassed me for a whole year. Every other day or so, I would get a text asking why I was spineless and weak coward, why I was an egoist and a betrayer. That their child was asking why I wasn't there, etc. It was very painful and stressful. It was so bad I had to get help from the psychiatric intensive care. This was a couple of years ago.

After a long hiatus of three years or so onward, news reached me that the cancer reappeared in my niece and that it would be bad. Palliative care. My niece had also gotten a sibling during the time. We re-established contact and I spent a lot of time with them again. Felt important to be there for my niece. And for Lori. Until the very end until my niece...

It was terrible and heart-aching for all of us. I have since kept in touch with them.

They now have two lovely children. They are both very energetic and curious. One is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, the other might have speech delay but is not investigated or really suspected for ASD. They are both very mobile and everywhere. They need a lot of attention and care.

I myself found a fiance, moved away and we have a child together. I take them with me when I visit Lori and Brandon.

___

The story could end there, but things are sadly much more complex, and this is what I really need your thoughts on.

It is exhausting and unbearable to be to close with them these days. Brandon makes it very difficult for Lori, their kids, us or whoever is near him because he is infinitely arrogant, manipulative, mentally abusive and intrudes into social situations (e.g. sibling conversations) where he makes himself the protagonist or completely changes the narrative of the conversation. He has always been this way. It is nothing new.

Lori

1. Lori is noticeably burnt out. She never gets the peace and quiet she so very much deserve. She never gets to recover from the kids or Brandon.
2. Lori has voiced that since the passing of their first child, life hasn't really felt worth living (which I can grasp) and that she lives for the kids. She has mentioned suicide when she has been to her very limit.
3. Speaking of which, she is at her limit very often. Every quarter of the year or so. This usually leads to a huge fight with Brandon and she ventilates to me or our sibling. It's hard to hear and listen when I cannot really offer help, because she wouldn't take it and feel its insulting.
4. She has mentioned wanting to leave Brandon at the climax of those fights, but has always bounced back to "normal" (which REALLY is chaotic to say the least).
5. Even though Lori has harassed me in the past, me being there for her in that situation means a lot to her I feel. I feel the harassment was more Brandons doing, by manipulation and gaslighting.

Brandon

1. Brandon is 110% intense. And he loves to talk. To keep himself updated about you, your current thoughts and opinions. So that he knows where he can place you in his hierarchy model. But first and foremost, he talk about what he thinks and ponders on. He takes you on this analytic journey where he asks you questions but then doesn't care what you answer or have to say. He just wants to have your constant attention.
2. He can say awkward and uncomfortable things,
3. He has got a black-and-white perspective on things and has a hard time navigating gray areas. E.g.: Doesn’t understand how people can be dwell and be anxious over things when they should be able to not be phased by it from the beginning.
4. While being hyper-social, he doesn’t pick up on social cues regarding when he should stop talking, be gentle, etc. Doesn't really read the room. Thus, he comes of as being very arrogant. He even says out loud that he takes pride in being arrogant. He is unbearable and everyone I know who interacts with him get exhausted and should step aside to save their sanity.
5. He is currently being investigated for autism because his child got diagnosed. Me and my partner already suspected he’s a bit out on Asperger scale & ADD-scale.
6. He has said out loud many times that he doesn’t want to earn a living for the family because he wants to be with the family at all times. Says it’s because nothing else matters after his child died.

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None of them are have income from jobs. They don't work. Lori is on long term sick leave. Brandon is pushed by government programs to become working again. He is not motivated to go back working, so he keeps coming up with ways to ”pause” this push. They have been on social security for years. They borrow $ from time to time to make ends meet.

Their social network is small. It consists of me, my sibling and around three other persons they communicate with. It's kinda obvious and sometimes evident they analyze snippets of information they get from our everyday life. They often make false deductions about us which is annoying.

At least one of their children has special needs, but they are both very energetic and loud. It can get quite chaotic in their house from them alone. They scream, cry, laugh, and shout. They crave constant attention from Lori, less so from Brandon. This can spawn conflicts between anyone of them and raise the average dB to unhealthy levels. It is super exhausting for me and my family when visiting.

It is not ALL bad when interacting with them. I get to have a sister-relationship with Lori and I like being with her and her kids. I like bringing little gifts to them as they don't have a lot of money or get gifts from the rest of the family. And I have great talks with Brandon as well at time to time.

As aforementioned, BIG fights will happen between Brandon and Lori every four months or so. Often because of how Lori is sick of Brandons shit. At least one time I know of, Brandon has broken Loris things. While Brandon has never physically hurt Lori, he has put himself between Lori and the room's exit making it impossible for Lori move around him or leave. Lori will went to me or our sibling. I can only listen and be there for Lori, but often wish I could do more. It feels somewhat terrible to write out but... sometimes I wish for Brandon to be struck by lightning or die from a random natural cause I think it would be alleviating for Lori.

Apart from that Brandon is subjecting Lori to psychological violence. It doesn't come as a surprise to me because I know what least harassment Brandon is capable of. My partner thinks Lori is afraid of ending things with Brandon because she alone knows exactly what Brandon is capable of. And because she would have to have the spare energy to take care of the kids extra.

About two weeks ago they brought up some minor family related stuff in our group chat consisting of me, my sibling and Lori. That was enough to stress me out and spike my adrenaline. I couldn't think or relax for half an hour. My partner had to still my guts and take me outside for a walk with our little one. He told me it looked a text-book panic attack.

Partner (+ our child)

My partner understands what the situation is but wasn’t in my life when Lori and Brandon went no contact or the stressful year of harassment.

My partner got fed up with Brandon when he saw the texts (I saved every message from the time when they harassed me.

He has suggested I could break contact with them (but keep a door open for Lori + kids) to spare myself, him and our daughter from future potential harassment and exhaustion. But ultimately says the choice is mine to take.

Partner doesn’t really like for our child to be present in their chaotic environment, where sudden out-lashes may happen, now that he knows what they’ve done to me in the past.

Partner does not want our child to be exposed to their harassment or their conflict with our family.

___

How I feel and think

Now, all of this makes it feels like I am being pulled by the bad times in the past on one end. In the other end I feel pulled by the need to be there for my sister and her children. And keeping status quo. Status quo = I/we meet them, but it's on their terms as to not upset them so we keep a low profile. Both me and my partner do not to our full selves at their house and I know we both are selective about what I tell them because we're afraid that what we say will be used against us (mainly by Brandon).

I realize there will come a day where either

• my partner will become too fed up with Brandon while we are visiting and things will get dramatic or,

• My child will see/hear things that aren't appropriate or harassing.

I feel like I manage this somehow. But it's hard because I get scared because I know what kind of oppression follows and bonds that might break. I am afraid to not be able to interact with my sister.

I welcome your views on how you would act and think in such a situation.

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* This article was originally published here

I (25F) broke up with my partner (25M) of 7 years and he still loves me but shows it weird

I (25F) have recently ended almost a 7 year long relationship with a man (24M) from another country. We were in a long distance relationship for 3 years at the start and then i decided to move to his country to live with him for 4 years. Everything was good in the start but I think that in the end I didnt really know him that well. It took me a long time to realize that he wasnt really supporting me in anyway. I moved to this other country for him and he never helped me with learning the language. He was also often very cold and seemed annoyed when I asked him for help with anything. His parents were the ones supporting me and helping me with moving and stuff. I tried my best to get friends in his country, people were nice but didnt really keep in contact. I would say that i am not an extreme extrovert but still have social manners where my boyfriend is an extreme introvert and seems to lack on any social manners which makes him seem very quiet and rude. When we traveled to meet my family or friends he would hardly even greet them and didnt talk with them and it made me often feel really bad. I had a stressful job and would often work the whole day which gave us like 3 hours before bedtime to have time for eachother. I always went to say hello to him after coming home and found him playing and he often seemed really annoyed that I "disturbed" him. Then whenever I would be playing or talking with my friends on computer he suddenly decided to want affection from me. Like cuddling or sex. It made me feel like my needs had no weight while I should be always ready to satisfy his needs. Not to even mention that I was the only one keeping the house tidy and often told him that which he would always make a joke about and never took me seriously. He had really hard time with communication aswell which resulted in us having arguments of not having sex for a while. I was working long days, came home and was often very tired and he would never be clear about wanting sex, instead he would just assume that I somehow have to know that he wants sex (while he was not giving any signs) and that i have to do everything in sex which caused arguments and made him cry after he let things build-up for weeks. It was incredibly frustrating to me! Then recently I traveled to my homeland for over a month because i got the chance, asked him to come to my parents when his holiday started which he would just find an excuse to see them instead on Christmas. For 4 years since I moved to his country, he never followed me to my homeland to meet my family. It frustrated me that he clearly didnt even put an effort on it. While I was away I had a realization that this wasnt what I want. I had been falling out of love with him already and finally understood that I really dont have to be together with a person that couldnt respect me or support me in a country that made me feel lonely. I returned to our home and I told him about everything and that I wanted to move back to my homeland. He was very upset and crying but seemed like he understood. For a little moment. He started going through a lot of moodswings and told me on the 3rd day of me being home that he didnt want me there. So I travelled on the 4th day to my homeland to stay at my parents and felt instantly better even if I had pain on my chest. Ever since that he has been texting and calling me every day about wanting to start over. He tells me how terrible he feels, how he wants to kill himself and sends pictures of himself crying. He even drove to my parents house to another country (12h drive) even after i told him that i want to be alone. I wasnt home though so he left after I called and told him to leave. I have talked with him on phone so many times but it feels like I just have to constantly keep repeating myself over and over. I asked him for a week alone without constant texting and calling and he said fine. The very next day he texted me again so I blocked him everywhere for a week (I left a message to him explaining why I block him) and he has been calling me every day and even made a new instagram to contact me. He keeps sending me how he is a new man and how he really loves me. He sends me how he wants to go on a date again and make me fall in love with him again. He even sent my mom bunch of unsteady messages and pictures of himself crying. Then at some point during that week he started threatening that he will send my nudes to my friends and family if I didnt answer. All this happened because I asked him for a week without him and I blocked him because he didnt respect my wish. He thinks still that I will fall back in love with him since he feels like a new man now. However all this has made me feel like he is extremely mentally unstable and it makes me feel like I have made a right decision getting away from him. Any advice?

TL;DR I fell out of love with my boyfriend of 7 years because of lack of support and he has not left me alone ever since I left.

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* This article was originally published here

My (f27) Best Friend (f26) tried to get with my boyfriend (m35)

TL;DR; My best friend tried to make my boyfriend cheat on me.

So we’ll call my (f27) best friend Amber (f26) and my boyfriend Nick (m35). We were all out with a group of our friends and we stayed at Amber’s afterwards. I went to bed early as I was sober and driving and I was very tired.

As far as I was aware, the others had a drink downstairs as I went to bed. I’ve been tired recently, very busy starting a new job and dealing with health complications.

The next morning, everyone seemed normal except Amber was nursing an unbelievable hangover. The rest of us went home and nothing was said.

A few days later, Nick told me that he wanted to tell me something but he was terrified of ruining my friendship with Amber, so I pressed him and he told me that Amber had tried to kiss him, put her hands in his underwear and told him that if he ever left me, he knew where she was.

The whole thing sounds crazy to me, but I hate the fact that Amber’s behaviour doesn’t really shock me. Nothing else has been said or done in the days since, and Amber hasn’t tried anything else or really spoken to Nick, except Amber has tried her hardest to make sure I don’t find out what happened.

She doesn’t know that I know, and she’s begged Nick not to tell me. I’m not sure if this is out of guilt for her drunken actions and she knows it was a drunken mistake, or because she still feels that way and doesn’t want me to know.

Also I feel like it’s worth mentioning that Nick rejected her at the first opportunity and told her there wasn’t a hope in hell that he would ever hurt me, but she still persisted. Other friends of mine and Nick’s have confirmed Nick’s story.

What do I do?!?!

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* This article was originally published here

86% of Brits say music helps their mental health and personal relationships - Mixmag

86% of Brits say music helps their mental health and personal relationships  Mixmag

* This article was originally published here

My (36M) Girlfriend (19F) has a REALLY fast resting heart rate and she won't go to the doctor to get it checked out and brushes it off like it's nothing, am I being paranoid?

TLDR: Girlfriend has resting heart rate of about 130BPM, but whenever I urge her to go to the doctor she just changes the subject, laughs it off, or tries to distract me with sex of food.

I met my current girlfriend about six months ago at the Muay Thai gym I go to (I live in Thailand, although I'm a US citizen, not sure if that's relevant).

I had seen her there often and she seemed really fit and active -- she's always doing something whether it be boxing or going out long-boarding or even running in some local fun-runs. One night at a BBQ at the gym we hooked up and have been together since. And it's been great! And I really haven't noticed anything wrong until recently.

About a month ago I noticed something I hadn't seen before. We were laying in bed in the morning and her Apple watch screen lit up with an alert like "high heart rate" or something and I see her heart rate is like 130 BPM.

I'm like holy shit -- we're just laying here doing nothing -- why is her heart rate so high? So I asked her about it and she said it's been like that for a couple of years. It started two years ago (coincidentally around the time she got her C-shots -- not saying that's the reason, but it seems to have started directly after).

And I asked further about whether this spike in heart rate happens just sometimes or if it's sustained -- and she showed me the heart rate history on the app and her heart rate is like at a CONSTANT 100+ BPM at rest. Like even 115BPM when she's sleeping, which is bananas.

For comparison, my resting heart rate fluctuates between 47BPM and 56 BPM. I work out up to 2 hours a day around 6 days a week, but even so I have bad habits that she doesn't have. Like I will definitely smoke a pack of cigarettes and drink a TON of beer once or even sometimes twice a week on the weekends if I'm not training for a fight or something. And she doesn't smoke at all.

Even if she did like ZERO activity -- and had a healthy body weight (she's super skinny) -- her resting BPM should be between 60 and 80 at the upper limit.

I'm ESPECIALLY worried because 10 years ago I had a girlfriend who I loved very much, die unexpectedly in her sleep. I was 26 and she was 25. She died while visiting her family in Kenya and the only answer I got back about what happened was something to do with an irregular heart beat.

I've told her this and told her my concern and asked many times to please let's just go to the doctor and get it checked out.

But every time I bring it up she laughs or plays it off and then she tries to distract me by basically making me food or trying to have sex with me.

I've tried to stay serious about it and be like "No -- don't do that, let's take this serious" but she just keeps cracking jokes, getting touchy-feely, or trying to do something nice for me and it gets to the point where I just feel stupid to keep talking about it.

But I'm really worried and I don't know how to express how serious I think this might be.

Do you guys have any advice?

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* This article was originally published here

My gf(20f) broke up with me and wants to be friends..

So we were dating for 8 months and on fortnight of my birthday she said she's feeling suffocated in this relationship as she always thinks about how I feel before making any post on social media even though I never judged her for anything and convinced her for not to overthink...I wanted this to work and i am still trying but not sure weather I'll win her again as she just want a friendship now because she doesn't want to lose me either...

TL;DR; My gf broke up and wants to be friends. However I want a relationship and trying to win her again.

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My boyfriend ( M, 23 ) went on a trip with two girls and his male friend. Do you think this is right ?

My boyfriend (M, 23) and I (F, 22) have been together for two years. We've had our ups and lows and we struggled many times as we both have communication issues but we handle things quite well cause we love and respect each other. Or this is what I thought until last week. He came to me with supposedly "great news???" he told me that his friend invited him to go on a trip with two girls whom I know pretty well. To give you some context, we've basically fought many times because of the two girls, they're pretty provocative and one of them had a strong crush on my boyfriend for a long time. He liked to be friendly with her and I wanted him to put her back to her place cause she frustrated me. Anyway, she's in a relationship with his friend now (the one with the invitation) and the other is just like her, provocative and also very beautiful so you can understand why I didn't want him to go on this trip. He doesn't have any girl friends or whatever so this is pretty new to me. After many explanations over why I didn't want him to go, he just told me " oh I wanna go, I need to go on a trip cause I don't feel so well, you must understand, you don't have to worry, the girl is with my friend and I don't care about the other one " so I broke up with him cause I felt betrayed and kept remembering the many times I wanted to do stuff for myself and didn't cause it frustrated him. It's been 3 days that he's on that trip and he keeps sending me " I love you " texts and I left him on seen. I don't feel okay and I don't even wanna go to work. Did I overreact ? Or was I right to take my decision ?

TL;DR: my boyfriend went on a trip with his male friend and two girls which disappointed me a lot. We had fights over one of the girls all the time cause she liked him so much. He didn't care about my feelings and just went for it saying " nothing would ever happen, I love you so much " I don't feel okay. What do you think about this ?

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* This article was originally published here