Time to forge relationships within our world The Scottish Farmer
* This article was originally published here
Sunday, March 19, 2023
Saturday, March 18, 2023
He’s slowly fading away
Hi everyone,
just need some advice on a situation. The guy (m38) I‘ve (f31) been seeing has been slowly fading away. Or at least it feels that way. He’s not initiating as much anymore, he barely has time. He’s extremely busy and has family stuff going on, but it kinda starts to feel personal at this stage. He’s climbing up the career ladder at the moment, working at least 12 hours a day managing a site with 300 employees. He also started working as an independent consultant, which has been taking off a lot quicker than he expected and takes up more time than he initially intended to. On top of that he divorced about 1.5 years ago and spends as much time as possible with his son (8). I understand he’s extremely busy and I love that he always puts his son first. I also understand that with everything going on we see each a lot less. But it bothers me that he barely even contacts me anymore when we don’t get to see each other. I tried to talk to him about it. He basically said he completely understand how I’m feeling and told me that his feelings for me haven’t changed. But he‘s completely overwhelmed with everything at the moment and it’s all getting too much. Not me, he keeps assuring his feelings haven’t changed, but his life in general. He feels like he doesn’t have time for himself anymore and it’s all getting too much. He knows he needs to step back. Basically he keeps saying he doesn’t want to give me up in any kind of tldr way, the issue is with himself. I don’t know how to deal with the situation to be honest. Give him space? Accept he’s too busy? Sorry for the bad English, it’s not my first language
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, March 17, 2023
My partner is frequently overwhelmed and I don't know how to help
Apologies for the word vomit
My GF (27; AuDHD) and I (29; OCD) have been going through a lot recently that has been built up over about several years of us being together which largely stems from me not supporting her while she really needed me and she then blamed herself/made excuses for me not supporting her. After broaching these feelings with me several months ago, I've been extremely unsure on what to do/how to help because acknowledging/expressing emotions are so foreign to me - that being said, they are equally foreign to her, except she had the strength to bring it up with me, whereas I still really struggle with emotions/feelings and empathising with her.
She is constantly overwhelmed with her job, her family, her health, and me all triggering her. For me being so dismissive of emotions/feelings and finding it so hard to empathise and offer useful support I ask often a lot of questions to get a picture of the situation (primarily offer a solution, rather than comfort); if I don't ask, then I don't understand? But, the relentless question asking is also triggering for her (or the relentless asking of the wrong questions), and after several years of living together, she's sick of giving me instructions on what to do for her/to help her and answers to how she feels for example.
She is so fucking tired of carrying all the incredible amount of trauma and stress and strain of her life that she doesn't have the energy to carry mine as well and tell me what to do to help her, because even if she does and I do it, that's not genuine.
So, I'm at a crossroads. I still don't understand what to do/how to help in so many situations and I feel like if I ask, then that's going to make her feel worse and more triggered and more upset. But if I don't ask and just do something (or nothing..) that I don't know will work, and it doesn't, then isn't that worse? <-- The inner dilemma that goes through my mind every day. I'm going to therapy to try to dissect that and understand why I'm like this, which is very helpful, but I need to DO something. I have zero actions because I don't know what to do or how to do it or when to do it.
TL;DR I'm an extremely emotionally dismissive person with severe issues with empathy and compassion for my GF struggling with her trauma/stress/anxiety/mental health. I can't sit on the sidelines telling her that I'm learning about X, but then doing fucking nothing while she collapses in from the weight of her trauma and stress. I LOVE HER SO MUCH, but I overthink everything and just don't know how to help and I feel so fucking awful.
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, March 16, 2023
I still cant forgive myself (25F) for breaking up with my ex (35M)
I said in a previous post how and why I broke up with my(25f) ex (35M) and its still hurting and causing me anxiety every day. I feel like everyday i remember a moment where i ve been mean or unfair with him.
I broke up with him because he was screaming during arguments and punched a wall. I broke up because in my mind i told myself people that love you don't make you cry or cause you panic attacks during fights. But now, being single again and looking at people around me, i realize that my partner had so many qualities that other people don't have, and that i ve probably been too sensitive and overthinking.
I was mean to him so many times, its no wonder he was loosing patience and screaming at me. I was criticizing him for smoking weed, i was complaining he's always late and that he doesn't answer my texts or that i feel alone. But i forgot how we was doing all this stuff for me, he never asked me to cook anything, or to clean, he was taking me out to eat everyday, whenever i wanted to go on a trip he would say yes, he gave me flowers every month, he surprised me whenever had a chance, always complimenting me so why was I always complaining like a spoiled child. Why did I cry every time he yelled at me instead of fighting like an adult. Of course he was yelling at me if i was always upset and complaining about stuff. Maybe its something wrong with me because i cry easily, maybe it was my fault i was having panic attacks because i cant control my emotions. I hear all the time from other people how partners scream during fights, if im quiet and dont talk its also bad since it doesnt solve the situation.
I see all these people and I dont find anyone better than my ex. He was treated me like a Queen when i wasnt starting arguments and now the treats like this another girl.
Of course he moved on from me in a month when I never provided anything for him, but he did so many things for me. And what bothers me the most its that im so upset and hurt, and blame myself for something i did myself: I broke up with him. Of course he didn't want to get back together when I tried to resolve our issue, why would he?
What i don't understand is why he came back 2 months after being with another girl (23F) saying he loves me and that i never called him to apologize for breaking up with him when I know i insisted for a month to get back together. He told me its my fault he s with someone else because this girl gave him attention, unlike me, and i cant stop blaming myself because i remember i was cold towards him. Whenever he screamed at me and even after punching the wall, I was more distant, I resented him, I kept telling myself he doesn't love me so i wasn't so affectionate.
But i forgot how i've told myself at the beginning he was a gift from God and i took him for granted.
I blame myself for the times i was being mean with him, telling him we're not compatible and making him tell me he's thinking about hurting himself and having suicidal thoughts because of me. And i blame myself for comparing our relationship with others relationship saying their boyfriends dont scream at these girls, when I ignored the fact that their boyfriends they're also not so romantic and nice like mine.
Tl;dr: I still cant forgive myself (25F) for breaking up with my ex (35M)
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, March 15, 2023
Tuesday, March 14, 2023
I feel guilty about my reaction to my girlfriend telling me about getting an STI before I met her
I (29M) have been with my girlfriend (26F) for almost seven years. A few days ago we were chatting in bed and she told me that a couple of years before she met me she slept with a guy who gave her chlamydia. I was pretty shocked because she never mentioned it before in all those years.
She said the guy didn’t really mean anything to her and that she didn’t particularly like him. I responded by saying “Well, you liked him enough to have unprotected sex with him.” She didn’t seem to react to that but I’ve been feeling bad about saying that since. Looking back, it seems cruel.
Since then we’ve had sex a few times and it’s been fine in the moment. Afterwards though I keep picturing her having sex with this other guy from her past (I have a very strong image of it from his POV) and I’d be lying if I said I don’t feel really uncomfortable about it and I find myself running over it in my mind.
I knew she wasn’t a virgin when I met her and of course that never bothered me before - is that what’s bothering me now? Why should I feel insecure about her sleeping with this particular guy, she says just the one time, a couple of years before she ever even knew I existed?
I haven’t discussed any of this with her since because I don’t want to hurt her feelings and be cruel about a very personal matter that she shared with me, but it is bothering me.
I absolutely adore her and I don’t want to feel any different about her than I did but in the back of my mind, I worry that perhaps I do now feel different about her - possibly permanently?
It feels unjustified to think this way but I worry that I can’t help it. Is this an arsehole reaction to have? Is it normal?
I should say at this point that I’ve been suffering from depression and pretty debilitating anxiety for the last year and a half or so and have recently started therapy - I don’t know if this is merely an expression of that condition or something deeper. (This is of course a subject for my therapist, not reddit but I thought it might help to give context.)
In short - how have other people handled this situation in a healthy way?
TL;DR: My girlfriend told me she caught an STI from a previous partner before we were together. I’m worried that I haven’t reacted to it in a healthy way.
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, March 13, 2023
I (18F) am not sure about my feelings towards my close friend (18M)
To give some context, we met last year November. We hit it off, kinda liked each other and rushed into a relationship one month later (don’t flame me please, I know that was dumb now and that we should have waited longerš).
Around Jan this year, I realised that when I thought of him, I didn’t get butterflies or didn’t feel silly happy, like I was in my previous relationship. It’s not that I don’t love him, I very much do, but I started hesitating on whether it was romantic or platonic love.
I didn’t bring it up with him because he is the type of overthink, and I didn’t want him to do that. But of course, that was dumb and I should’ve just communicated directly instead.
So it kept manifesting. It got to the point where I felt uncomfortable whenever we were talking (eg, being worried about acidentally hurting him if I tell him what’s on my mind) and to the point where it just took up my mind the entire time I was at school.
On the first week of Feb, I finally decided to confide in my besties. None of them actually had dating experience, but I was pretty much desperate at that point.
Afterwards, I made my mind up to break up with him. I shouldn’t lead him on when I myself am unsure about the status of my feelings. I cried a lot doing so, because I was scared he’d think I was leaving him.
He was understandably upset. But he took some time off and since then till now, we have been normal regular friends.
However, I get so jealous whenever I see him interact or talk to other girls. I feel oddly possessive and I hate it. It eats away at me inside. This suggests I have feelings for him, but yet again, I still dont get butterflies nor feel silly-happy whenever I think of him, which suggests the opposite.
I know I sound like a douchebag, but I genuinely need to figure out how I feel, or I’ll lose my mind worrying.
What should I do? Should I distance myself from him? Has anyone been in this situation? I’ve spent loads of time trying to figure out how I feel, but I seriously don’t know. Please help me.
TLDR: me struggling to figure out my feelings towards a close friend and need some advice
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* This article was originally published here
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