I said in a previous post how and why I broke up with my(25f) ex (35M) and its still hurting and causing me anxiety every day. I feel like everyday i remember a moment where i ve been mean or unfair with him.
I broke up with him because he was screaming during arguments and punched a wall. I broke up because in my mind i told myself people that love you don't make you cry or cause you panic attacks during fights. But now, being single again and looking at people around me, i realize that my partner had so many qualities that other people don't have, and that i ve probably been too sensitive and overthinking.
I was mean to him so many times, its no wonder he was loosing patience and screaming at me. I was criticizing him for smoking weed, i was complaining he's always late and that he doesn't answer my texts or that i feel alone. But i forgot how we was doing all this stuff for me, he never asked me to cook anything, or to clean, he was taking me out to eat everyday, whenever i wanted to go on a trip he would say yes, he gave me flowers every month, he surprised me whenever had a chance, always complimenting me so why was I always complaining like a spoiled child. Why did I cry every time he yelled at me instead of fighting like an adult. Of course he was yelling at me if i was always upset and complaining about stuff. Maybe its something wrong with me because i cry easily, maybe it was my fault i was having panic attacks because i cant control my emotions. I hear all the time from other people how partners scream during fights, if im quiet and dont talk its also bad since it doesnt solve the situation.
I see all these people and I dont find anyone better than my ex. He was treated me like a Queen when i wasnt starting arguments and now the treats like this another girl.
Of course he moved on from me in a month when I never provided anything for him, but he did so many things for me. And what bothers me the most its that im so upset and hurt, and blame myself for something i did myself: I broke up with him. Of course he didn't want to get back together when I tried to resolve our issue, why would he?
What i don't understand is why he came back 2 months after being with another girl (23F) saying he loves me and that i never called him to apologize for breaking up with him when I know i insisted for a month to get back together. He told me its my fault he s with someone else because this girl gave him attention, unlike me, and i cant stop blaming myself because i remember i was cold towards him. Whenever he screamed at me and even after punching the wall, I was more distant, I resented him, I kept telling myself he doesn't love me so i wasn't so affectionate.
But i forgot how i've told myself at the beginning he was a gift from God and i took him for granted.
I blame myself for the times i was being mean with him, telling him we're not compatible and making him tell me he's thinking about hurting himself and having suicidal thoughts because of me. And i blame myself for comparing our relationship with others relationship saying their boyfriends dont scream at these girls, when I ignored the fact that their boyfriends they're also not so romantic and nice like mine.
Tl;dr: I still cant forgive myself (25F) for breaking up with my ex (35M)
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