Dateless 26yr old Male is confused by relationships and doesn't know how to convey it appropriately.

Hello, r/relationships

I've never posted here before, and am not completely sure if the topic I want to discuss is fit for this sub, but perhaps I should try to put it into words, post it and see what happens.

So, I'm 26, male and have never been in a relationship. I have been socially isolated for the past 8 years or so, a shut-in; I was depressed. Though even prior to this time, I wasn't very social at all. Almost never went out, never had any friends to go out with. (Why is this social stuff relevant?)

Okay, so in high school, I did receive interest from girls I felt attracted to, but never reciprocated any of the interest that they showed me. In fact every instance of someone showing interest in me I have never been able to reciprocate.

Maybe it's also relevant to mention that I'm a virgin (kissless).

I don't know how relationships work or how they are supposed to be formed. I've made an account on a dating website and am considering attending speed dating events. But still don't really know if it's possible for me to really connect with someone.

I've never really ever had any friends, I have a lot of difficulty with developing any and all kinds of relationships.

I've questioned whether I can even experience attraction. Though when I have felt attracted to someone it is accompanied by an overwhelming anxiety, a terror or fear. Makes it quite a nerve-wracking experience. It is rare for me to find someone attractive. And in the instances that I have found someone attractive it was purely based on looks, nothing deeper than that.

A friend that I have has been telling me about other things which are supposed to be reasons why people feel attraction. Things like interactions, humour, habits, shared passions, dance moves, them backing you up. This is a list he made which I have summarised. He also mentions to me this idea of being open to finding someone attractive. So not finding them attractive initially but choosing to get to know them in the hope that I may start to find them attractive. I really don't understand his second point. I feel like there would have to be something to hook me in, an initial attraction of some kind. And the other stuff whilst yes I may be able to find things about people to be cute or endearing I've never felt attracted to someone because of any of them.

I guess I associate being attracted to someone with the fear/anxiety/terror I mentioned earlier, there is an excitement that comes with it. I feel like there is something promising about whoever it is I feel this fearful of in this way.

I do believe that I must try to conquer this fear and I am willing to do so, but I'd need to go on a date first. Oh yeah, I've never been on a date.

What am looking for, by writing this and posting it here. Insight. I'd like insight.

I don't know if I've explained everything. This is quite the mess of a post. If this post provoked any thoughts (not mean) please share them with me. I'm aware in the rules it said no venting, I guess this was a bit of a vent.

TL;DR I'm open to the idea of a relationship, but feel a lot of pessimism and self doubt. I seriously doubt whether I understand how things are supposed to work or if I'm even able to be attracted to other people. I seriously question whether I'm capable of a relationship. I hope it's obvious why I felt this sub might be an appropriate place to post this.

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* This article was originally published here