Last week my wife dropped what I considered was a bomb on our life. We had been married for 5 years with a 3 year old, and she explained to me that she wanted to separate. It was very clear she had thought through this although she was mostly telling me that she wasn't happy and that "something was missing."
We live a very comfortable life. Fairly middle-class but are fortunate in a lot of ways, and have worked really hard together. From the outside our relationship looked pretty idyllic. I am successful at work, a higher earner, I have a large social circle, am involved and well-regarded in our community. I have lots of my interests, hobbies and am physically active and in good shape. In all of the baseline ways, I am there for my wife and child, being highly accountable and seemingly involved. Our marriage looked pretty typical, we did things together, had arguments, no sex life, but got along well enough. "Typical marriage stuff" that would eventually get worked out. We did just have a kid so I guess I expected things not to be great, but I was still really proud of my family.
When she dropped the news, I was completely shocked. Here I thought we had crafted this incredible life together, one that I thought we both were happy about. But it was apparent that she had thought through this fully, committed to and was ready to get a divorce. We had open conversations about love and fears, and we have open conversations about the hard truths of divorce and how it would wreck all of us emotionally, financially and everything else. If I ever brought up what this would do to our young child's life, her point was that our child would respect us more for choosing to live a life of happiness then one of being stuck in an unhappy marriage for 20 years. At times we veered into some nastiness that would happen in divorce but were pretty fair with our conversation. I obviously wasn't ready to divorce and she was, so there was a split in objectives that would have been the root of some issues.
I begged and pleaded with her no matter how pathetic I looked. I tried swinging the other way and showing that I was ok with being on my own (which I would be ok but I know that I would be better with my wife and family together). She was kind but steadfast. That was probably the most heartbreaking part.
It took a few days and got to the point where we were probably hours away from doing damage that we wouldn't have come back from but I had an epiphany.
Because I always assumed that I would have a wife, I took her completely and utterly for granted. Because I thought I had taken care of that checkmark of getting married and that she would never leave, I never invested in her the person and never tried to maintain or build the connection we had. I was going through life as a chore. Every little inconvenience was such affront to me that I was miserable. Any time that my wife brought any idea up that took an ounce of work, I shot it down and said it didn't make sense. If it was an idea that I liked, then we could do it, but if it was something that I didn't deem worthwhile then I said no and that was that.
My wife comes from a life of instability and trauma and I come from one that was pretty fortunate and healthy. And I was so intent on "showing her the way" to stability and happiness that I never actually listened to what she wanted. I sought approval and fulfillment in our social circles and community instead of figuring out was wrong at home. I wasn't adding anything to her life, I was only limiting what she could do.I finally got to the point that I understood how miserable she would have had to be in order to come to terms with leaving. And I got it. If someone acted the way I did, I would fantasize and ultimately plan a way out as well. No one's perfect but I'm ashamed of the way I acted and realized that I wasn't even living a life. I was going through the motions and letting life pass over me.
During our figuring out what to do, the three of us went on a walk around the block and collected fall leaves. I was so incredibly grateful, and cherished every moment of it because I realized that it could be taken away at any single moment.
As I began to come to this realization my wife began reconsidering slowly. We agreed on staying together at least until the new year and committed to doing couples therapy. I had been softly recommending couples therapy for a little while but she was non-committal at the time and even during this which was a really bad sign. But I believe that I would have went into the therapy just as bull-headed and try to push my agenda about being right. So I kinda understand her mindset. Maybe the therapist would have uncovered all of this earlier, who knows.
I expressed my epiphany and I believe that it's resonating. I also made sure to tell her what I thought AND listen to find out what she thought. We had some really heartfelt moments of connection and she expressed genuine excitement in our future. I recognize that just acknowledging this isn't enough and that it will be up to me follow through with my actions over the course of the year and onward. Honestly it feels like I have a new outlook on life in general because I was able to see how bad it would have been to go down the other path.
This morning she told me she's invested in doing couples therapy together. It's still very early and things could change at any moment but I will be appreciating every moment we have together.
tl;dr my wife began pursuing divorce and I was able to get my head out of my ass long enough to have a change in my outlook on life that will hopefully save my marriage and family
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* This article was originally published here
