Why am I [M20] craving validation from my ex [F19]?

My ex and I broke up mutually after seeing that being together was terrible for us. The relationship was getting in the way of our lives and happiness.

I would say I am romantically over this person. I know this person is terrible for me and I don't want to get back with her. I wouldn't feel anything if she was with another man.

I still somehow want this person to be happy. Despite her treating me poorly, I know she's just projecting her trauma and insecurities. She has a lot of issues she needs to fix. I don't completely blame her. We just weren't ready to be in a relationship. I know she's not a terrible person either. She's very caring towards her friends. Just not someone I would want to get involved romantically.

I wanted nothing more than to end things with happiness. To look back at the relationship and smile. Maybe even laugh about it. Nobody did anything morally wrong, we didn't cuss or yell. We weren't mean. But my ex is seeing things with so much negativity. She's going out of her way to humiliate me and spread rumors about me. I was so shocked (because mostly this was behind my back) so I asked her about it. She is refusing to give me an answer.

While I am over ex, I am not over the fact that my ex hates me. It makes it feel like all the time spent was wasted. It makes it feel like everything was fake. I don't want to get back together with my ex, but I want her to at least acknowledge the amount of effort I put in and respect me for what I did. It's the fact that I still strongly care about someone who went out of their way to hate me. It's beyond humiliating.

TLDR:

I'm over my ex, but not over the fact that someone who cared about me now hates me.

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* This article was originally published here

My husband’s constant complaining about not having a career and “pursuing his dream” is driving me insane.

My husband’s constant complaining about not having a career and “pursuing his dream” is driving me insane.

My husband (33) and I (30) have been married for seven years and have two beautiful children together, and living what many would consider the American dream. We aren’t rich but with both of our incomes combined we make a comfortable living. Since before we got married my husband always wanted to pursue a career in Aviation, and becoming a commercial pilot has always been his lifelong passion and something he’s dreamt of doing since he was a child.

He completed a two year program and earned his Associate’s degree in Aviation but due to some roadblocks along the way with getting his private pilots license due to a medical condition that required clearance he was not able to obtain his private pilot’s license and pursue his career path. He was finally able to get clearance however all of his tests expired and things got put on the back burner as a result. We met and married a year after he finished school. He now has an associates degree in aviation that cost us 15k worth of student loan debt (paid off) and there is nothing to show for it. We also paid off my student loans in the process another 15k.

Since that time he has worked what he would consider dead end jobs, jumping from one job to the next. He’s initially happy when he first gets a new job but within six months to a year he falls into the same pattern of burn out and depression. Complaints about how his life isn’t going anywhere, that’s he’s depressed, that I do nothing to help him pursue his dreams that I don’t support him, how he wishes he could just start over. He’s always looking for someone to blame and it’s usually me. Then he begins the job search all over again for what he would consider another “dead end” job. After seven years of this constant cycle it has really began to weigh heavily on me. I’m now at a point that when he starts the complaints and job searches that I just ignore him because I’m so mentally exhausted, and I know nothing I say will make a difference.

I love my husband so much, he’s an amazing husband and father and I would give anything to see him happy, and pursuing his dreams. I wish love and support was all that were necessary and if that were the case we would have been there by now, but money is a huge factor. Becoming a commercial pilot is an extremely expensive and time consuming endeavor 80-100k minimum just to obtain the license itself and not including the 1500 hours that is required after that to even get hired anywhere. I’ve tried to get my husband to pursue getting a more “affordable” degree or to take on a trade just so he can have a solid and stable career with benefits and job satisfaction just as a stepping stone to fund his flying in the process. However, he never sees anything through, and he never likes the options I give him, and the things he has pursued never work out. He wants to snap his fingers and watch everything magically fall in his lap. But the hard truth is the career he has chosen to pursue will take him years to complete unless we get ourselves in a bunch of debt just so he can get it done quickly.

I know he’s never going to be happy until he is doing what he wants to do and this will continue to weigh heavily on our marriage. Some people are content just having a job to pay the bills and make a comfortable living, he will never be that person. I feel like he’s always going to be like the highschool quarterback who would have made it to the NFL if it wasn’t for an injury that held them back and I’ll never hear the end of it. He knows how I feel, we do well with communication in our marriage. I’m just so tired of repeating myself like a broken record that I’ve resorted to silence with him.

We only get two days off together every two weeks due to our schedules and he’s ruined our weekend off together because he’s been sulking about his job and lack of career.

TDLR: I’m just frustrated and needed somewhere to vent my thoughts. Thank you for listening.

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* This article was originally published here

My father [M63] wants to be closer to me. But his emotional side triggers my avoidance. I [M18] feel really bad because I care about him. How can I fix this?

I am so grateful that I have people in my life that care about me. I'm very close with my mother, my friends, and I have a pretty secure attachment style. I love building intimacy with others.

But this doesn't apply to my father. His feminine, emotional side just weirds me out in a way. I feel terribly sorry because I know he cares about me but it's not really a father figure that I am looking for.

I find it extremely hard to open up to him. I can't ever show him my emotions and when he does show his and reaches out it's feels suffocating and I need space.

Again, I don't know why because I'm usually never avoidant with anyone else. He's made so many sacrifices for my education and I am so grateful for that. And I know there are many people who would want a father like mine. It's my last year home before I move to college so I want to make my relationship with my father better.

TLDR:

Basically the title.

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* This article was originally published here

KidsMatter 2 Us – Importance of relationships - Positively Naperville

KidsMatter 2 Us – Importance of relationships  Positively Naperville

* This article was originally published here

My[28F] new bf [28M] is making me choose him or my mom

I've recently started dating again, and in a short amount of time became exclusive with this one guy I've felt a strong connection to. We enjoy hanging out and dating, but I can't spend as much time as he'd want me to because I also have to take care of my disabled mom. My mom has, among physical issues, mental health struggles. She also has paranoia and tends to have outbursts if I spend long amounts of time somewhere, especially if it's with somebody that I haven't known for a long time or that I don't know well (I need to call or text her periodically to reassure her).

Recently I've had to delay a date because I've needed to help her with some things as well as to wait for a good opportunity to leave her alone for longer than usual. It's something I have to basically prepare for.

He thinks that I'm choosing my mom over him and is basically putting a wedge into our relationship until I "disobey" my mom. To me, this isn't a question of obedience, but that I'm trying my best to maintain a relationship and at the same time cope with my mom's deteriorating health. But he thinks she is ruining things because she's the reason that I can't date or visit him any time that he'd like us to.

Does he have a point? Does it look like I'm clinging to my mom or that she's manipulating me, and I'm actually in the wrong for thinking I can balance both relationships? It's never occurred to me that this was an issue, because it never came up with any of the guys I've dated previously; they were ok with me taking care of her and delaying dates if it was necessary. They themselves would delay dates in order to attend a friend's party or take care of a visiting relative or do overtime at work, and I never held it against them either.

​

TL;DR: I take care of my mom, who has (mental) health issues that make it hard for me to go on long dates (>6h). My bf thinks we can't maintain a relationship because of it, and now I'm looking for input from others, whether I'm in the wrong and should listen to him, or I should continue the way I'm doing things.

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* This article was originally published here

My bf left me alone in another country

My boyfriend(25M) of 4 years and I(25F) moved abroad 3 months ago. We moved to a country with a 2 year visa and where he has some relatives but I do not have any.

Some important points for context: - The move was more important to me than to him but we had planned it for 2 years before finally moving and he repeatedly said he was sure about the move.

• We are lucky to both work remotely and so out work and financial stability was not affected by the move.

• He is not very close with his immediate family and so there was no big loss in that relationship by moving.

So since we moved he has made it clear he does not particularly like the country and since the pandemic he has been struggling with his mental health. He stopped seeing his therapist a few months ago despite my objections. He also said the move has made his mental health worse.

3 weeks ago, he told me he wanted to go home and figure out if was in a position to be in this relationship. We argued and he went to a hotel for a couple of nights. We both thought he would come back after a few nights of space.

Over the phone, we came to the conclusion that he should go home and I should stay to figure out what we both want. I wanted him to stay but didn’t push it because I didn’t want him to resent me if I tried to prevent a trip home.

He got a flight out the next day without coming back to our place to say goodbye.

I spent the next 2 weeks feeling extremely upset. I ultimately felt like he should have stayed to figure it out together and I was angry he never said goodbye.

I also gradually got more and more angry that he left me in a foreign country entirely alone.

After 2 weeks of an emotional roller coaster , he has decided he wants to come back with the agreement he will be going to therapy for his mental health and we will only stay in the new country for about another 6 months.

Before he booked a flight back, I ended the relationship because I felt angry that we came here together and then he just abandoned me here.

Now I’m unsure if I made the right choice or if I am being unreasonable. All advice welcome.

TL;DR: my boyfriend and I moved to a new country together. He struggled with the move and got a flight home by himself, leaving me alone for for weeks. He wants to come back but I ended it. Not sure if I made a mistake.

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* This article was originally published here

There’s no such thing as ‘no-fault’ divorce – the phrase they’re looking for is ‘everybody’s fault’ | Zoe Williams

I’m all for making break-ups less traumatic. But the new divorce law can’t strip out all the emotion

On Wednesday, the “no-fault divorce” law comes into effect in England and Wales, the result of years of campaigning by lawyers and family rights groups, to take the acrimony out of separation. The law until now was peculiar in ways that you probably wouldn’t realise until you were at the point of getting divorced – tethered to old-world values about the sanctity of marriage, with workarounds to reflect the modern understanding that, sometimes, shit happens.

So if you wanted a divorce and hadn’t been deserted or gone through the process of separation, you had to sue your spouse for either adultery or unreasonable behaviour. In the first case, obviously that had to be brought by the “adulteree” rather than the adulterer, which was kind of rum, that one party would get cheated on and made to carry the burden of legal admin. As for what’s unreasonable, the bar was set incredibly low, and unless you said: “He has this way of breathing where it always sounds the same,” a judge would be unlikely to refuse you. It sounds easy, but it set the tone: two people scrabbling through the mud of the marriage to find the worst bits in it, which intensified the adversarialism. Even couples who managed to keep it “round the table” (a mediated separation) rather than head to head (with a family court involved) would nonetheless often be embarking on their journey as co-parents with a whole list of charges and counter-charges, burning away at their brains, offending their natural sense of justice.

Zoe Williams is a Guardian columnist

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* This article was originally published here