I (30f) have a nana (95) who lives in another state, and 2-3 hrs drive from her nearest relative (my mother).
There is quite a bit of history to this situation, with my nana moving out of our home city to the area in which she is now in a nursing home roughly 30 years ago, despite family asking her not to. She has had multiple illnesses and is in a wheelchair, with regular health flare ups. After multiple hospitalisations, she was sent to a nursing home in her local area on doctors orders roughly 2.5 years ago. Over the past 10 or so years, my family has been trying to get her to move closer to my mother (her daughter), with the latest attempt being just a few months ago. My grandmother is stubborn, and refuses to acknowledge or talk about the fact that my parents are also now getting too old to make the 4-6 hr return drive to visit her regularly, and the sad reality is that she is choosing loneliness over staying where she is.
Unfortunately, my nana now has dementia. This is where things have taken a turn for the worse, and are making it very emotionally difficult for us. My mother is technically power of attorney for my nana, and has had to deal with clearing out my nana's house, putting it up for sale, arranging all of her bills, medical appointments, finances, etc over the last few years. In her now affected mind, my nana has now decided that my mother has sent her to a nursing home (not the doctors), stolen and sold her house, and has shipped her up to a distant place so we can forget about her up there. She is in complete denial that she moved away from her home city on her own terms. She refuses to see my mother when she visits, becoming very aggressive and saying some very nasty things to her, including that my other is being controlling and insinuating financial/elder abuse.
I, on the other hand, get a very different reaction. She is usually happy to talk to me, and last December when I went up to visit she cried and clung to me because she was so happy to see "someone she remembered" - and then again yelled at my mother and refused to see her the next day. She was full of conspiracy theories about the phone being tapped/not working because "they" didn't want it to, that her parents "warned her" about my mum, etc etc. She has stopped making calls to anybody, and now rarely picks up the phone. Myself, my mother and my sister haven't been able to call her since December. I put all of the above for context, as things are a little tricky, as my mother is now also somewhat avoiding visiting or trying to contact her, given the abuse she receives.
What I need advice on is how to actually maintain a relationship with my nana, and actually get some sort of communication through to her. When I send her postcards from various travels in the past, she complains she can't read my writing (and I suspect she hasn't the last 2 I sent her, and she spent more time looking at the picture on the christmas card I gave her than the writing inside). She won't pick up the phone. It is VERY difficult to visit her where she lives, as it's a 2hr plane ride then a 2-3 hr drive or 2hr train + 30min taxi ride away from where I live (same for my sister). I did visit November because of some drama re trying to get her to move again, as well as at Christmas, but I can't do that all the time, it's simply not practical or financially feasible. So I feel like I'm out of options to communicate with her - I can't write because she won't read it, she won't take my calls because she doesn't trust or potentially also hear the phone (she's quite deaf being her age, and you know, won't wear her hearing aids), and I can't visit more than a few times a year. I'm the only one in our family she is communicating with. That means she's physically and socially isolated, which breaks my heart.
Any advice on where to go from here would be appreciated, especially from anyone else who's dealt with a relative with dementia whose personality has drastically changed.
tl;dr TL;DR! Nana has dementia and is refusing to see nearest relatives. She has stopped picking up phone calls, and I'm running out of ideas of how to maintain contact her. I'm the only one she still talks to in the family, but I can't get through to her, need advice for what else I should try.
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