I actually don’t know why I am writing this. I don’t know if I want to accomplish something, but I have enjoyed and learned a lot from other peoples’ stories and I want to tell mine as well. I apologize if it will be a bit of a rambling.
In the spring of 2016, I met the girl of my dreams. I don’t normally have girls throwing themselves at me. The caveat – she had a boyfriend, that I first started to know about after a while. Huge red flag but she was quite good at convincing me that with me it was special and something unique and therefore she eventually broke up with him. The ex boyfriend was still lurking. They still met up even though it made me very uncomfortable. I always regretted not setting my foot down and saying this is too difficult for me. After 5 months, we went over separate ways over the summer break, as we were studying in a different country. At first, I did not hear from her at all. After 3 or 4 days, she finally reached out and said she wanted to come to me. It was not until months later I found out she slept with her ex in those days. So unknowingly we spent the summer together, but she was clearly still hung up on her ex. She went on a festival with her ex and just left me somewhere. Everything was very dramatic and up and down and I was sad most of the time. I clearly made myself weaker than I am. I should have broken it off, but I just naively thought, that we could have a nice life together as soon as the problems were gone. Back at university, the ex came on a visit, and I think she finally decided I was the one she wanted to be with. Things started going better but I of course never forgot how it all started and I don’t think I ever forgave her – but I just did not realize it at the time.
We were together for 6 years, and things steadily improved. I actually started to be very happy and thought to myself “see, it was a good thing that you fought in the beginning”. I felt so close to her, much closer than I have ever felt to anyone. The first clear problem came after some years when a drunken fight (I had quit drinking a year before) ended with my ex hitting me. I for sure had a responsibility in the fight, but I had to put my foot down and end things right there. I do not know if our living situation or the pandemic were to blame, but I ended up forgiving her and we got together again after some months. After some time, I moved into her new apartment and things were absolute wonderful. The best time in our 6 year long relationship. We were both stressed this summer finishing up our degrees (I was very delayed), and I thought it was natural that we had less time for our relationship. At least, I accepted that my girlfriend showed me less affection in these months, and did not think much about it tbh.
In the fall of this year, I went on my first trip alone in basically six years. I went back to some of the places I lived earlier and just visited friends and family and generally had a very good time. But before I went my girlfriend started showing some erratic behavior and being very angry with me and distancing herself from me. I considered postponing the trip as I had no idea what was going on, and she could not explain to me what the problem was. In the end I thought it was my right finally to take a trip, as the pandemic had made it impossible to travel for so long time. She had to work and therefore she could not join.
During the trip, her behavior changed from day to day. I felt strange but some days we talked on the phone, and everything felt better. Other days she would explode over the tiniest things, for instance if I did not call her at the exact time, I said I would. My mood was severely affected, and I thought it difficult to stay in the present moment and enjoy my trip. At the same time, I also wanted to be there for my girlfriend as she was clearly not doing well but I did not really know what to do.
The final week before I got back things started to get strange. She said she wanted to move away with me again, as she was not happy in the country we lived in. On the last weekend before I got back, she called me and said something crazy had happened. She has made an offer on an apartment in the city, and it was now hers. I was really surprised but also in a good way though I found it problematic she did not involve me in the process. It was her money and I accepted she could do with those as she saw fit but still it hurt me a bit. The day after, on our 6 year anniversary, I could not get a hold of her in the afternoon, and I sensed something was wrong. Finally in the evening I got a message that she had spent the whole day, with a guy she met the day before when she was out. She said it was platonic, and he knew she was in a serious relationship. But I just got so hurt and mad for all the things that had happened in the weeks leading up to this. All the anger, the apartment, everything. I felt so left out, and now she was ‘celebrating’ buying this apartment with a stranger. I did not calm down, and the next day, she said she could not do it anymore. Just like that. All gone, six years gone. I was also responsible for how it all played out, I really was. The beginning of our relationship had left me with trust issues, and I just saw it all black when she told me she had seen him without telling me about it beforehand. I thought she would change her mind about the breakup, but no. When I got back from the trip everything was just different, and she was a different person to me. Everything went so fast. Our apartment was terminated and I moved back to my home country in the span of 10 days. I just could not sit in that apartment alone with all the memories. My ex started living in the city. She basically moved into the other guy's apartment and after some time they started to date. Perhaps 2 weeks after we broke up. I know about this because I asked her and wanted some closure, and in some weird way it actually helped me a bit seeing everything clearer.
I am now reflecting on everything that happened and spending a lot of time alone. She on the other hand is meeting new people, living in his apartment, doing stuff to keep her preoccupied. We are not in contact anymore really, and I know NC should already have happened earlier, I just needed some answers. I also reflect on my own role in the break up. I for sure was not a great boyfriend all the time. I am quite introvert and I have a lot of personal projects that take up a lot of time, and this was just not compatible with her need for attention and more outgoing, extroverted personality.
I am working on myself, I know I should stop obsessing over her, and I am slowly getting there. But I still seek some answers and consider whether she has some undiagnosed borderline or narc tendencies. I do not know, but this whole thing clearly shows me she has some abandonments issues, as she broke up when I was away, and also that she clearly not can be alone and replaces boyfriends, just as she did when we started going out.
I needed to write my story out, and I am sure some will say that I deserved it, as I could have seen all the red flags earlier. But at the same time I have never felt so secure and happy with anybody and I feel like a complete mess. Does anybody have experiences that resemble this with a girlfriend showing some personality disorder traits, and how did you move away and accept the situation? I am still struggling with coming to terms with my new situation, and I am devastated she is with a new guy already.
tl;dr: Girlfriend broke up with me after 6 years. The start of our relationship was tumultuous with an ex lurking and I see the same tendencies in our break up now. My girlfriend showed abandonment issues while I was away and after 2 weeks started to date a new guy, she basically moved in with. I am a mess but need to movie on.
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* This article was originally published here
