My father gaslights me ever since I stopped agreeing with him about everything, since about 2 years now (60M).
My mother doesn't find me interesting, after a while in her company she starts mocking me to others and disrespecting me/ shouting at me in public (57F).
Since getting married my brother (31 M) has dumped me and replaced me with our female cousin (28F) and her family who is at the same stage of life (married with children), and also with his wife's sister (24F). When I turned up at said cousins baby's party, SIL (27F) and her mum were already at the venue helping with prep. When she saw me SIL looked away and her mum asked if she knew I was coming - to my own cousins event? Also at my cousins party was SILs brother's best friend and his family, it was not an intimate invite only affair, so how can he be present while SILs mother asks such a question about me? My brother saw me but kept his distance at the party. When brother was newly married with his wife I tried to show love and care for the 18 months they lived in our family home to foster some tradition. I'd cook for everyone when I was preparing stuff, they'd only cook for themselves. I'd make a full English breakfast for everyone very Saturday morning, even if I wasn't making it for myself. I'd get gifts on their birthdays. I never got anything back but I know she is from a gift giving family. I constantly got the cold shoulder, on a family beach trip I greeted her and she ignored me along with her sister. Even younger brother (28M) noticed and he's a man who isn't too caught up in women's dynamics he said they're unfriendly. The following morning I asked SIL about it that is everything ok because I felt she was cold to me the day before, she cried to my brother and I was the bad guy.
My other brother (28M) briefly mentioned above screams and shouts at me for bothering him by repeatedly asking what he would like to eat so I can plan cooking. I just had to stop doing stuff for him as I'd do stuff for both of us but he'd do stuff for himself. I would cook for us, he'd get takeaway for himself and never offer me. I'd cook for us, he'd visit a cousin and get pizzas in. And the day he shouted at me screaming and following me up and down the house that I'd caused him to lose momentum on something he was working on because I kept asking about what to buy for what meals (he WFH) I just went numb and realised that I would never be appreciated.
Friends - flirting with my boyfriends, trying to sleep with people who showed an interest in me when I was single. Gossiping to men that they were better than me. One Swedish friend 10 years older and into black guys keeps me as the ugly friend. I know this as she said she watches a YouTube series about finding black love and black men don't want black women. That they want women like her.
Single 6.5 years. I'm black, work in life sciences, Christian, in shape, waiting until marriage for sex. I wouldn't say I'm stunning but it's not unusual to catch someone staring at me so I know I'm at least attractive.
I try to go out once a day, sit in coffee shops, having quality time to myself or working so I'm not always in doors. This is a new habit after spending 18 months as a recluse and relying completely on online dating which did not work out. But no one is folllowing up to approach me. Because of toxic dynamic between my parents (my father ignores and belittles my mother, cheats, I have never seen him hold her hand or willingly protect her. On the contrary he takes every opportunity to shoot her down to children - and for a while I'm ashamed to say he succeeded in getting us to disrespect and mock her. I've never seen them kiss in their whole marriage) took me a while to understand what a healthy relationship looks like ,because of this and now at 32 I feel it's too late, will I have a family of my own? What if I meet someone and he turns against me once we're settled?. What if I don't meet anyone, when for the last 15 years all I've spoken of and my hopes have been around having a loving and supportive family of my own? How embarrassing. I cried to my mother about feeling lonely. She asked how do I think she feels, everyone else's daughter is getting married and I'm not. On several occasions friends of my brothers have expressed surprise- they didn't even know they had a sister. I feel like I have no real connections and I'm not cherished or valued by anyone. I'm single when everyone knows I don't want to be. And those closest to me do not like me. Online dating yields nothing. I'm really hurting emotionally.
Tl;dr - I feel so hurt by the people in my life, at 32 I'm still in the same state as I was 6 years ago hen I was dumped by a guy I know didn't love me and had wandering eyes. But I want to have a fresh start, have a healthy dynamic with those closest to me. I also want a family of my own, how do I fix up actively so another 6 years of no progress is avoided and I can have the family I long for.
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* This article was originally published here
