I [35M] have to divorce my wife [34F] due to a very strange situation

I need to vent a bit so here goes.

My wife gave birth to our first born, a daughter, in November. Shortly after this, like 4-5 days, she tells me she got a message from a work friend of hers that he thinks the baby might be his. She tells him that's impossible, they haven't had sex. Apparently he had sex with her when she was blackout drunk at a party.

Initially I was skeptical. She couldn't guarantee they didn't have sex that night. She ended up showing me the texts she had with him on her own initiative, where he basically confessed to non-consensual sex without realizing he did. She was non-responsive, "like a dead fish", he thought it was terrible.

Basically we thought he must have made it up. This guy started harassing her, came to our door, sent her a million texts and calls etc. So we said we'd order a home DNA test, and send it for analysis, because that would be definitive proof.

She said this guy is a person she hardly knows except for some work parties (which I doubt because I've seen his name in her caller ID many times). Also, she wouldn't have carried the baby to term if she had doubts about whose child it was. I believe that, because she was very happy about becoming a mom. She's not a good enough liar to pretend that well for 9 months. Also, she's never been a very sexual person except the last few years with me, we've had a lot of trouble in that area that we started to resolve recently. I doubt that she'd be sleeping with some guy on the side, especially when he isn't her type at all (he's short and blonde, she likes tall guys with dark hair).

So I believed her side of the story, and perhaps still find it reasonable that the sex was non-consensual because that's what the guy himself said. I told her if we were to get through this and all I had to go on was her word, she needed to be totally straight with me from now on and share all communication that they had, written or otherwise. That was my stipulation for continuing the relationship.

Before Christmas I came home and she and the baby were gone. But all their stuff was still there, so considering we have a crazy guy who's stalking her I got very worried. I tried to call her but her cellphone was still there. I picked up the phone to see if it had any leads about where she was, and it was a text from the guy. He talked about how it was bad she was having an operation on the 23rd of December and said he wanted to accompany her to the hospital. Turns out, she was just visiting a neighbor.

I asked her about this, and she said she told him she was getting an operation so he'd leave her alone for Christmas. That's reasonable enough I figured. However I was supposed to see all their communication, so I asked to see the Messenger convo. She then blankly refused, said I don't believe her, and that sharing it would be like another assault. So we nearly divorced then and there, but I said we could talk about it in therapy but this was a serious breach of my trust. I didn't leave her because I thought her explanation for the recent texts was reasonable. Still I told her I wonder what is so bad about that conversation that she's willing to burn her life to the ground to hide it. In therapy the therapist basically said that she needed to figure out a way to share what we agreed she'd share.

Anyway so on Friday I went to her inlaws after working a week back home. She and the baby stayed there after Christmas and were supposed to come home with me on sunday. My birthday was on sunday, so she shared some pictures she took the week before Christmas at a professional photographer of her and the baby. She wondered which picture I wanted for my birthday.

The last picture she had cropped out a bit at the bottom, but she hadn't been accurate enough. I saw the top of the guy's head, next to her head in an embrace. At least two photos he was in. For me, the relationship died that very moment.

She claimed that he had just showed up there, and she wanted him to leave, so she took some photos with him to give him what he wanted. I told her I may have turned out to be gullible, but I'm not that gullible. The guy who forced you to sex shows up, and you fear for your and your baby's security, so you take pictures where you hug him? Nah, sorry. So, it's over.

I booked a hotel, and flew home on sunday. She's staying at a friends place (well, I doubt it). We have a therapist session booked on wednesday but it's just the formality we have to do to start the divorce proceedings.

The only thing I don't understand, is why? Why burn your whole life to the ground for a guy you don't seem to like, and who you're not interested in? I know she's just leave me if she wanted to be with someone else. I don't understand the reasoning behind risking a 13 year relationship and having to raise a kid as a divorced parent for whatever they were doing.

No matter why, or what they have been doing, it's the constant lying which is why I'm leaving her. Even if she was cheating with him, if she had admitted to it early and been totally transparent going forward, I could work past that. But when she's lying to my face while hanging out with him while I'm at work, I'll never be able to trust her ever again.

She claims I don't know what it's like being stalked, and she did this unreasonable thing just to try to get him to stop. Considering she hasn't worked very hard to prove this story, I doubt it. She must be completely insane I guess, because no logical reason seems apparent. My main theory so far is maybe she used him as a friend who wanted to be more than friends to get gifts and money, because she has suddenly had more money the past year. But then he got frustrated, and took advantage. Then she's trying to keep it going now, thinking she can play me for a fool.

He knows about me too. He knows she's with me and that they aren't in a relationship. He doesn't seem like he wants to be the father of the kid either, just wants to be registered as the dad I guess? I don't know, it's all very confusing.

tl;dr: A seemingly crazy guy says he's our baby's father, I tell wife I need total transparency, she withholds information and apparently has been hanging out with him when I was at work. Getting a divorce.

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Am I overthinking this?

Tl;dr my boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and I need help.

So my boyfriend (25m) makes comments about my (22f) weight a lot and I don’t know what to do

For background, when we first met I was overweight but have since lost 3 stone and plan on losing a little more. He made a comment when we first started dating that has stuck with me since - ‘you’re not that fat’ - and when I said that was a horrible thing to say he didn’t understand this. For Christmas one of my presents from him was a sports top of the team I support, but he brought it 4 sizes too small. He said it was a mistake and that he didn’t look at the size but when I left the room to put it away I overheard him say to his friends that it was more of a target for me and then laughed about it. Obviously this has stuck with me along with all other comments but I need help in how I explain all of this to me and how it makes me feel without it seeming like I’m starting an argument. It’s really getting me down. Am I overthinking this or is he in the wrong?

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Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling - cleveland.com

Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling  cleveland.com

* This article was originally published here

Is it okay to have "conditions to be fulfilled" in a romantic relationship?

31, F, in an LDR with 30, M since a year almost. We live in India. He dropped out of college and has been trying to establish himself in the food business with limited success. I'm a doctor with 2 degrees, looking to earn my 3rd. Our qualification and career mismatch, his slight lack of refinement and imperfect command of English were reasons that made me hesitate to get into a relationship in the beginning, otherwise we had very similar minds, hearts, views and long term goals. I told him about my hang ups- he promised to work on getting a remote career and a degree or 2 before we can "get serious"- officially tell our families etc. The dating pool and open minded people are non existent where we live before you berate us for contemplating a seemingly incompatible pairing. I was hesitant the first few months- we live 3 hours apart by road, get to see each other approx once in 2 weeks and don't have many common hobbies or interests to make a lot of solid conversation besides playful stuff.

At 3 months of dating I fell sick once when he was visiting, he took a day off and stayed to look after me and that made me realize that the way he cares for me is far more valuable in a partner and cannot be easily found and I committed to him mentally. It's been a fun year with many good memories made together but I've been a bit scared to grow and pursue my goals in the fear of leaving him behind. He is my closest friend and confidante. We are each other's best friends- two sensitive introverts who've opened up to each other.

I've determined to be more disciplined this year and I already see a difference. He has again agreed to recommit to finding a remote career and achieve financial stability so that we can "go forward". I DO NOT want to end up being the sole/ major bread winner in this relationship. We both are spendthrift and enjoy good things- so without good careers we'll soon end up in the streets. The expectation to have a better career and education seem reasonable on the surface- but is it too much to ask of him or unfair to him? I'm starting to feel "reality biting" coz he hasn't been motivated to do much this past year. A deadline was set- within this year, if no progress is made, likely to break up in 2024.

Tl;dr: I suddenly feel like a bad person coz maybe my love is conditional. I don't know!!

Wise counsel please?

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Is this waitress (F) flirting with me who is a semi-regular (M20) at a bar?

Now before everyone says “of course she’s flirting with you for tips!”, hear out my predicament. Throwaway account because some people know my main real Reddit account.

About a year ago I (M20) become this semi-regular at this local pub very very close to my home, most of the waitresses there know me and don’t even check my ID (I’m in Canada, BC where you have to be 19 to drink) when I go there.

This waitress F-20s who served me a few times served me a few times as per usual, nothing unusual at all. But eventually I got busy with school and work and didn’t really go there as often, however whenever I did manage to go there one time and inevitably got another waitress, this particular waitress in question would always find some time to come to greet me, even though I could clearly see she was busy (like I mean the bar was PACKED).

Anyway only a few months ago one time, I find some time to squeeze into the bar and the waitress served me. At one point, she came up to me and told me her name and then asked for mine. Obviously I gave her my name, but then she shook my hand. Okay, kinda weird but whatever. I humor her with the handshake and tip her the usual amount.

Tonight I manage to squeeze in more time to the bar (I’ve been busy with more school and work) and the waitress (who isn’t even serving me, it’s a different waitress), comes up to me and asks how my New Year was. Again I humor her and tell her it was just a quiet boring New Year’s Eve. She then proceeds to tell me how her New Year’s was. After the brief quick exchange, she places her hand on my bicep (I’m wearing a leather jacket and I’m not even particularly “big” / muscular at all).

Now sure, she’s attractive but I’m honestly not sure if she’s just being friendly because I’m a regular and she’s familiar with me or if she’s just being flirty because that’s just who she is.

TL;DR: waitress is being very friendly, more then her job actually requires (ie tips) and even when when she’s not serving me.

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My (34M) wife (34F) yelled at me at my in-laws

Crossposting this here to seek advice on my situation:

Hi,

So I have been staying at my in-laws for the holidays with my wife of 9 years and my 18 month old kid. We packed in a hurry for the visit and I forgot to keep her work laptop charger (I did keep her work laptop). She had asked me to pack our work stuff while she was packing other stuff. We both work remotely and today was our first day back at work. She completely freaked out today when we couldn't find her charger this morning and yelled at me in front of her brother (and other relatives who were upstairs but within earshot). I accepted my mistake and tried calming her down but her rant went on for several minutes. I whispered her to please not make a scene in front of her family but it was no use. I tried hooking up my Macbook charger to her laptop (which also had a USB C power input) and it worked which finally diffused the situation. Later on when we were alone I calmly tried to reason with her that it was not right to bash me in front of everybody and that it was honest mistake and that I should have been more mindful but it did not warrant such a response. She continued her rant and said her reaction was completely justified and that she had a meeting which she had to miss. We haven't had a chance to speak about this again since we've been busy with the baby and other stuff happening around here but I'm kind of sad and upset about what happened (although I'm not showing it).

There's a lot of other similar stuff that has been happening in our relationship lately which has me super worried but I'll leave that for later posts.

Would appreciate your thoughts on the situation.

TLDR: Wife of 9 years yelled at me at my in-laws, within earshot of others, for forgetting to pack her work laptop charger.

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Should I stay friends with this person?

While it might have been a friendship in the beginning, it has turned into tolerating her existence for the sake of entertainment.

I [30F] met this girl [27F] a few years ago and we quickly formed a connection. We shared a common interest and she seemed friendly and approachable, always with a big smile on her face. Not gonna lie, we have had some good memories together.

Time has shown that there was nothing but vapidity behind that Hollywood smile. She's the laziest, most entitled person I've ever met, but I have never even insinuated that in front of her. Found her first real job at 27 (saying real because she did some light manual labor for around a week before that) and was spending her parent's money while cosplaying as a student. She has officially been a student for a long, long time, with no diploma in sight. And her failure has never been her fault. Either the exams were extremely hard or the professor hated her. She would try to convince me that she had actually been studying hard for the exam, just to give up and not show up. Apparently taking accountability wasn't one of the classes. I know she's full of shit because I graduated from the same Uni in my early twenties while maintaining a few part-time jobs and having a beyond messed up situation at home. Meanwhile, she did absolutely nothing with her life, aside from watching anime and mooching off her parents and friends. Just to make it perfectly clear, she didn't have trouble finding a job; she didn't even try.

My husband and I always paid for her food and drinks, without complaining. Her way of showing gratitude was very peculiar. So, we are not doing very well financially right now and she started working a few months ago. One of the first things she said upon arriving to our house party the other day was: "Look at this poverty! You're rolling your own cigarettes!" I'm not anyone's doormat, but I pick my battles because confrontation exhausts me. Basically, if I value you, you will know how I feel. If I don't really respect you, I will let it slide because your opinion is irrelevant. This doesn't apply to random strangers being rude to me or my loved ones, then I have no problem arguing or even getting in a physical altercation. My stance is that making fun of someone's poverty or looks is hitting the rock bottom and an undeniable proof of moral destitution.

It became obvious to me that this girl was deeply unsatisfied with her life and therefore tried to boost her self-esteem by putting others down and sabotaging them. I like bragging about my little sister because she is a prodigy in her field and my friend responded very condescendingly: "Well, at least you have a bachelor's degree." The same bachelor's degree she's been "trying" to obtain for the past 8 years. When I was trying to quit smoking, she kept convincing me that I wouldn't be able to do it. I did continue smoking, but what is more important: you getting some weird, borderline sadistic satisfaction from predicting the future or supporting your friend in making a positive change? When I decided to pursue a Master's degree because I wanted to have another purpose in life aside from work, she said the stupidest thing I've ever heard: "There are much better ways to spend your time". When I informed her I started dating someone online, while revealing nothing or very little, she violently expressed her view that it was delusional and doomed to fail. That man became my husband.

I believe there are more failures than successes in an average person's life. Sometimes there is only one way to succeed and a million ways to fail. If you randomly guess "fail", that will most likely be the correct answer, but statistics doesn't make you wise. She is one of those people who proudly say "I told you so", even when she hasn't backed up her opinion with a coherent explanation.

I think she finds great joy in her more successful friends being degraded. Petty stuff, but here it is. We were out and I was dressed pretty gym-y because I was in the middle of moving and had almost no clothes at my current place. She gave me a t-shirt, that was nice. Two older men approached us and the one I had the pleasure to talk to had some nasty remarks about my looks, commenting on the way I was dressed and touching my stomach. I removed myself from the situation asap. She said nothing, but continued to flirt with the other grandpa she clearly wasn't interested in. Once we were on Omegle and the random stranger we were talking to told me something like: "Shut up, I wanna talk to your pretty friend". She took that as a compliment and laughed. Yet, when another random Omegler insulted her (possibly something about her looking way older), I lost my shit and yelled at the guy.

She is also an incredibly terrible listener, but can talk your ear off. Once I was sharing a secret I'd kept from her for years because it was kind of a touchy subject, when she cut me off and started talking about something random. I would say her emotional and social intelligence are extremely low. She also doesn't know how to choose her audience and introduce the other person to her passion (anime). I don't watch it, but she talks about it like I'm an expert, going into specific details, quoting characters in Japanese, which I don't understand. Even my other friend, who also loves anime, was confused and uncomfortable talking to her. The other friend was also telling me about anime, but in a very mature way, letting me actually relate to some topics and compare them to shows I watch. I was able to have a conversation and develop some curiosity, instead of listening to a half an hour podcast.

It's almost impossible to have a deep conversation with her due to her superficiality and lack of understanding. She's very quick to dismiss someone's feelings and even quicker to give unsolicited advice, which is kinda funny because she hasn't struggled a day in her life and has a very limited experience with relationships. I don't think she's intellectually disabled, but definitely emotionally stunted, as if she hasn't aged a day past high school. Add some maliciousness stemming from insecurities to the mix and you get the whole picture.

tl;dr A grown friend is acting disrespectful and immature

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