I need to vent a bit so here goes.
My wife gave birth to our first born, a daughter, in November. Shortly after this, like 4-5 days, she tells me she got a message from a work friend of hers that he thinks the baby might be his. She tells him that's impossible, they haven't had sex. Apparently he had sex with her when she was blackout drunk at a party.
Initially I was skeptical. She couldn't guarantee they didn't have sex that night. She ended up showing me the texts she had with him on her own initiative, where he basically confessed to non-consensual sex without realizing he did. She was non-responsive, "like a dead fish", he thought it was terrible.
Basically we thought he must have made it up. This guy started harassing her, came to our door, sent her a million texts and calls etc. So we said we'd order a home DNA test, and send it for analysis, because that would be definitive proof.
She said this guy is a person she hardly knows except for some work parties (which I doubt because I've seen his name in her caller ID many times). Also, she wouldn't have carried the baby to term if she had doubts about whose child it was. I believe that, because she was very happy about becoming a mom. She's not a good enough liar to pretend that well for 9 months. Also, she's never been a very sexual person except the last few years with me, we've had a lot of trouble in that area that we started to resolve recently. I doubt that she'd be sleeping with some guy on the side, especially when he isn't her type at all (he's short and blonde, she likes tall guys with dark hair).
So I believed her side of the story, and perhaps still find it reasonable that the sex was non-consensual because that's what the guy himself said. I told her if we were to get through this and all I had to go on was her word, she needed to be totally straight with me from now on and share all communication that they had, written or otherwise. That was my stipulation for continuing the relationship.
Before Christmas I came home and she and the baby were gone. But all their stuff was still there, so considering we have a crazy guy who's stalking her I got very worried. I tried to call her but her cellphone was still there. I picked up the phone to see if it had any leads about where she was, and it was a text from the guy. He talked about how it was bad she was having an operation on the 23rd of December and said he wanted to accompany her to the hospital. Turns out, she was just visiting a neighbor.
I asked her about this, and she said she told him she was getting an operation so he'd leave her alone for Christmas. That's reasonable enough I figured. However I was supposed to see all their communication, so I asked to see the Messenger convo. She then blankly refused, said I don't believe her, and that sharing it would be like another assault. So we nearly divorced then and there, but I said we could talk about it in therapy but this was a serious breach of my trust. I didn't leave her because I thought her explanation for the recent texts was reasonable. Still I told her I wonder what is so bad about that conversation that she's willing to burn her life to the ground to hide it. In therapy the therapist basically said that she needed to figure out a way to share what we agreed she'd share.
Anyway so on Friday I went to her inlaws after working a week back home. She and the baby stayed there after Christmas and were supposed to come home with me on sunday. My birthday was on sunday, so she shared some pictures she took the week before Christmas at a professional photographer of her and the baby. She wondered which picture I wanted for my birthday.
The last picture she had cropped out a bit at the bottom, but she hadn't been accurate enough. I saw the top of the guy's head, next to her head in an embrace. At least two photos he was in. For me, the relationship died that very moment.
She claimed that he had just showed up there, and she wanted him to leave, so she took some photos with him to give him what he wanted. I told her I may have turned out to be gullible, but I'm not that gullible. The guy who forced you to sex shows up, and you fear for your and your baby's security, so you take pictures where you hug him? Nah, sorry. So, it's over.
I booked a hotel, and flew home on sunday. She's staying at a friends place (well, I doubt it). We have a therapist session booked on wednesday but it's just the formality we have to do to start the divorce proceedings.
The only thing I don't understand, is why? Why burn your whole life to the ground for a guy you don't seem to like, and who you're not interested in? I know she's just leave me if she wanted to be with someone else. I don't understand the reasoning behind risking a 13 year relationship and having to raise a kid as a divorced parent for whatever they were doing.
No matter why, or what they have been doing, it's the constant lying which is why I'm leaving her. Even if she was cheating with him, if she had admitted to it early and been totally transparent going forward, I could work past that. But when she's lying to my face while hanging out with him while I'm at work, I'll never be able to trust her ever again.
She claims I don't know what it's like being stalked, and she did this unreasonable thing just to try to get him to stop. Considering she hasn't worked very hard to prove this story, I doubt it. She must be completely insane I guess, because no logical reason seems apparent. My main theory so far is maybe she used him as a friend who wanted to be more than friends to get gifts and money, because she has suddenly had more money the past year. But then he got frustrated, and took advantage. Then she's trying to keep it going now, thinking she can play me for a fool.
He knows about me too. He knows she's with me and that they aren't in a relationship. He doesn't seem like he wants to be the father of the kid either, just wants to be registered as the dad I guess? I don't know, it's all very confusing.
tl;dr: A seemingly crazy guy says he's our baby's father, I tell wife I need total transparency, she withholds information and apparently has been hanging out with him when I was at work. Getting a divorce.
