Is my (28 f) husband (31 m) secretly gay/bi ?

First of all I wanna say that English is my third language and that we live in Europe. So if you don’t understand something, feel free to ask me for clarifications.

Hi everyone, I (28 f) have been married for two years and my husband (31 m) is a hair dresser (this is not why I am posting this). He lived for 15 years with a gay guy who’s 5 years older than my husband, when they met, my husband had left the family house to go to the big city, he was only 14-15 years old and met his gay best friend at a teenagers center/home (I don’t know if there is an equivalent in the US). After that, they moved together as roommates, and have been roommates even when I met him (only they were 3, the gay best friend got married, and for financial reasons my husband had to stay with them). For 15 years my mother in law was worried for him, and for all these years she thought my husband and his best friend were dating, she found it odd that they would move out from a place and moved in together in a new one every time. My husband was very secretive and nobody knew his best friend was gay, my husband never told anyone. Later on when I discovered that his best friend was gay and my husband told his family that he kept it a secret because he was loyal to his best friend (his best friend never came out to his own family let alone my husband’s family) my husband also said he himself felt ashamed, why ? Because he left the family house at 15 and his parents were against it, he comes from a poor family and wanted to be successful in the city, he had ambitions and for him living with a gay person would attract moqueries and would mean that he was struggling financially and had no choice but to live with a gay man.

Now that you have the context here is why I am posting this and asking you for advice and your views: My husband kept that secret for 15 years I lived with them when I got married to him one month/2 because I was working out of the city and I couldn’t afford to pay two rents, and when I tell you I never knew his best friend was gay and he was married to the other guy I NEVER knew. I started to have my doubts because my mother in law told me about HER doubts and I asked my husband : 1- are you gay ? 2- is your best friend gay? 3- have you been in a relationship with him ? He answered no each time and it was very early on that we had this conversation and at that time I didn’t know when he was lying. It was a shock to me when I discovered his best friend was gay because I wondered what else my husband was hiding from me ? And what was happening between them for 13 years (before his best friend got married). I have read couple of articles that can help you spot the signs that your spouse is gay/bisexual, I am not gonna lie I am kinda desperate and having a serious conversation about all of this had become very difficult for me and I can’t even initiate it tbh. At an intimacy level, my husband was not able to « finish », he would always use his hand, it only got better when we moved out and had our own place, I think it helped a lot to build our intimacy. Our sex life is at its best right now, we are both very satisfied. However there are two things that early on in our relationship he told me he enjoyed : his nipples being licked and his prostate being massaged. I really don’t know if it’s common among heterosexual men and it kinda makes me wonder again. I also wanna note that they shared the same bed when they were roommates sometimes because they could only afford a one bedroom house but even when they moved in a bigger appartement they would still have the same bed so I don’t know what to think.

In these situations I know I should trust my guts but I really don’t know how to start the conversation with my husband.

TL;DR : is living with a gay man for 13 years, sometimes sharing the same bed, keeping his secret from your family and friends and enjoying some « gayish » sexual practices make you gay/bisexual ?

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My girlfriend (F22) feels I (F24) wasn’t supportive enough of her at a relatives funeral

So my girlfriend [22] and I [24] have been dating for a couple of months now. Shortly into us dating she found out her grandmother was very unwell and she recently passed away. When she found out the date of the funeral I had plans on the day before (when she would travel back home) and work the next day so it seemed unlikely I could go, not to mention I’ve hardly met her family so didn’t feel it was my place to go. I offered to her that I could cancel my plans but she said not to worry. The night before she was leaving to go back home she begins arguing with me that I haven’t been supportive enough and that I should’ve pushed more to come and support her at the funeral, straight away I offer to cancel everything and come with her. After a few hours of back and forth of her telling me she doesn’t want me there she finally gives in and let’s me come with her. We travel up and everything is fine the day before, then on the day of the funeral I’m there to support her every step of the way, it was a hard day for her family but I did what I could to help. On the train home she is in an awful mood with me and goes on to say that I wasn’t supportive enough on the journey to the funeral, apparently even her brother asked why I wasn’t comforting her in the car. I felt that if she needed me she would ask me and I’d been holding my hand out for her but she didn’t take it. In the church I didn’t comfort her as were gay and I feel uncomfortable being openly affectionate around people I don’t know, especially if they’re religious. I feel awful knowing that I’ve made her day harder for her in anyway and that I haven’t been supportive enough. I suffer from panic disorders/health anxiety so I often get into my own head, especially at something like a funeral but it wasn’t an excuse to not be more supportive. Any advice for how I can make it up to her? Or whether she’s asking too much of me?

TL;DR - my girlfriend thinks I wasn’t supportive enough at her relatives funeral because I didn’t ask if she was okay or hold her on the journey

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I (28F) am losing my love (27F) and I don't know what to do

I (28F) think I've hit rock bottom. I've been best friends with K (27F) for 14 years now, and have been in love with her for 11 of them. We have a long history, she's gotten me through a lot, and I truly owe her everything I am today. We actually went to the same college, but there was never really a good time for me to confess. She's aggressively workaholic, and has always been laser focused on her work, so telling her that her best friend who, at the time had a minor drug problem, is in love with her wasn't fair.

I always thought when we graduate I'll tell her and she'd at least give me a chance. Everything happened way too fast next, this guy J (28M now, 24M then) asked her out, fuck knows why but she said yes. He was her exact opposite, didn't work, always drunk, can't hold down a job, gets into fights, and is extremely controlling. At the time she believed and I quote "he's always mad because he has been treated poorly by everyone". At the time K and I lived together, but J moved in with her after 6 months so I left, and then he stopped working altogether. She'd still been adamant that he's misunderstood and "needs someone to believe in him".

He got emotionally abusive first, would break things and shout when she's late, if she got mad he'd apologize like his life depends on it and she'd forgive him. At the time K didn't share any of this, and why would she I hated the guy. She wasn't allowed any "friends" because if she loves him she doesn't need "anyone else". Nonetheless, K told him he has to get used to me, but other than that, she slowly withdrew from everyone. Things got bad in an year, he forced himself on her and ultimately begged her to forgive him. That's the first time I was told about the behind-the-scenes of this relationship. I told her to leave him, but she's stupidly fucking kind, so she forgave him. Fast forward to two years ago, he got physical, she got scared, left him and came to my apartment. When she explained what happened I got livid and went to tell him to pack his bags, it was stupid and irrational but at the time, I was completely done with this. I went there and he threw some shit at me which became the formal end of their relationship as I got (a little) hurt. Everything in her apartment is monitored (his idea, fuck knows why), so it was decided that he'd never show us his face again given that we let this go. She then moved in with me, and she's been in therapy ever-since.

There are things that I don't know about their relationship, but slowly, she's shutting down. Nothing has happened since then. She was great the first few months, but it's been a year and she's shut down. We have the best living arrangements, nobody comes to our place as she gets anxious, I don't ask her to go out or anything, she goes to work and comes back, I do all the grocery runs, I keep things exactly the way she wants (she's extremely neat), I even learned to cook because she's not a take-out kind of person. I don't know what I've done wrong, she doesn't even talk to me. I don't ask her anything about the past, I don't even flirt or joke around with her anymore, I don't touch her because I don't want her to feel like someone else is intruding her space, fuck I even sit away from her. Sometimes when I get home, I see her talking to her younger sister S (23F), that's the only time she seems like her old self. Most nights I hear her cry in her room, but she never talks to me. We're both in the tech sector and she's fucking brilliant, so we used to discuss work a lot. Now? absolutely nothing. I feel like I'm more in love with her now, and she doesn't even want me as a friend anymore. A month ago, K, out of absolutely nowhere, got me a date with her colleague (L) because I should "live my life". She's well aware I don't date, and she knows I hate being set up. But I was desperate to talk to her, so I went on this stupid date, and told L I'm in love with someone else. We had a great dinner, and that was it. When I got back home, I was about to tell her how it went but she "isn't interested". I feel done, I'm thinking of telling her everything and then just going our separate ways. I've always been content with just being her friend, but this resentment of hers towards me is killing me. What should I do? What can be done?

TLDR:

I'm in love with my best friend of 14 years and she's acting resentful towards me for no reason. I don't know what to do.

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I [35M] have to divorce my wife [34F] due to a very strange situation

I need to vent a bit so here goes.

My wife gave birth to our first born, a daughter, in November. Shortly after this, like 4-5 days, she tells me she got a message from a work friend of hers that he thinks the baby might be his. She tells him that's impossible, they haven't had sex. Apparently he had sex with her when she was blackout drunk at a party.

Initially I was skeptical. She couldn't guarantee they didn't have sex that night. She ended up showing me the texts she had with him on her own initiative, where he basically confessed to non-consensual sex without realizing he did. She was non-responsive, "like a dead fish", he thought it was terrible.

Basically we thought he must have made it up. This guy started harassing her, came to our door, sent her a million texts and calls etc. So we said we'd order a home DNA test, and send it for analysis, because that would be definitive proof.

She said this guy is a person she hardly knows except for some work parties (which I doubt because I've seen his name in her caller ID many times). Also, she wouldn't have carried the baby to term if she had doubts about whose child it was. I believe that, because she was very happy about becoming a mom. She's not a good enough liar to pretend that well for 9 months. Also, she's never been a very sexual person except the last few years with me, we've had a lot of trouble in that area that we started to resolve recently. I doubt that she'd be sleeping with some guy on the side, especially when he isn't her type at all (he's short and blonde, she likes tall guys with dark hair).

So I believed her side of the story, and perhaps still find it reasonable that the sex was non-consensual because that's what the guy himself said. I told her if we were to get through this and all I had to go on was her word, she needed to be totally straight with me from now on and share all communication that they had, written or otherwise. That was my stipulation for continuing the relationship.

Before Christmas I came home and she and the baby were gone. But all their stuff was still there, so considering we have a crazy guy who's stalking her I got very worried. I tried to call her but her cellphone was still there. I picked up the phone to see if it had any leads about where she was, and it was a text from the guy. He talked about how it was bad she was having an operation on the 23rd of December and said he wanted to accompany her to the hospital. Turns out, she was just visiting a neighbor.

I asked her about this, and she said she told him she was getting an operation so he'd leave her alone for Christmas. That's reasonable enough I figured. However I was supposed to see all their communication, so I asked to see the Messenger convo. She then blankly refused, said I don't believe her, and that sharing it would be like another assault. So we nearly divorced then and there, but I said we could talk about it in therapy but this was a serious breach of my trust. I didn't leave her because I thought her explanation for the recent texts was reasonable. Still I told her I wonder what is so bad about that conversation that she's willing to burn her life to the ground to hide it. In therapy the therapist basically said that she needed to figure out a way to share what we agreed she'd share.

Anyway so on Friday I went to her inlaws after working a week back home. She and the baby stayed there after Christmas and were supposed to come home with me on sunday. My birthday was on sunday, so she shared some pictures she took the week before Christmas at a professional photographer of her and the baby. She wondered which picture I wanted for my birthday.

The last picture she had cropped out a bit at the bottom, but she hadn't been accurate enough. I saw the top of the guy's head, next to her head in an embrace. At least two photos he was in. For me, the relationship died that very moment.

She claimed that he had just showed up there, and she wanted him to leave, so she took some photos with him to give him what he wanted. I told her I may have turned out to be gullible, but I'm not that gullible. The guy who forced you to sex shows up, and you fear for your and your baby's security, so you take pictures where you hug him? Nah, sorry. So, it's over.

I booked a hotel, and flew home on sunday. She's staying at a friends place (well, I doubt it). We have a therapist session booked on wednesday but it's just the formality we have to do to start the divorce proceedings.

The only thing I don't understand, is why? Why burn your whole life to the ground for a guy you don't seem to like, and who you're not interested in? I know she's just leave me if she wanted to be with someone else. I don't understand the reasoning behind risking a 13 year relationship and having to raise a kid as a divorced parent for whatever they were doing.

No matter why, or what they have been doing, it's the constant lying which is why I'm leaving her. Even if she was cheating with him, if she had admitted to it early and been totally transparent going forward, I could work past that. But when she's lying to my face while hanging out with him while I'm at work, I'll never be able to trust her ever again.

She claims I don't know what it's like being stalked, and she did this unreasonable thing just to try to get him to stop. Considering she hasn't worked very hard to prove this story, I doubt it. She must be completely insane I guess, because no logical reason seems apparent. My main theory so far is maybe she used him as a friend who wanted to be more than friends to get gifts and money, because she has suddenly had more money the past year. But then he got frustrated, and took advantage. Then she's trying to keep it going now, thinking she can play me for a fool.

He knows about me too. He knows she's with me and that they aren't in a relationship. He doesn't seem like he wants to be the father of the kid either, just wants to be registered as the dad I guess? I don't know, it's all very confusing.

tl;dr: A seemingly crazy guy says he's our baby's father, I tell wife I need total transparency, she withholds information and apparently has been hanging out with him when I was at work. Getting a divorce.

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Am I overthinking this?

Tl;dr my boyfriend keeps making comments about my weight and I need help.

So my boyfriend (25m) makes comments about my (22f) weight a lot and I don’t know what to do

For background, when we first met I was overweight but have since lost 3 stone and plan on losing a little more. He made a comment when we first started dating that has stuck with me since - ‘you’re not that fat’ - and when I said that was a horrible thing to say he didn’t understand this. For Christmas one of my presents from him was a sports top of the team I support, but he brought it 4 sizes too small. He said it was a mistake and that he didn’t look at the size but when I left the room to put it away I overheard him say to his friends that it was more of a target for me and then laughed about it. Obviously this has stuck with me along with all other comments but I need help in how I explain all of this to me and how it makes me feel without it seeming like I’m starting an argument. It’s really getting me down. Am I overthinking this or is he in the wrong?

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Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling - cleveland.com

Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling  cleveland.com

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Is it okay to have "conditions to be fulfilled" in a romantic relationship?

31, F, in an LDR with 30, M since a year almost. We live in India. He dropped out of college and has been trying to establish himself in the food business with limited success. I'm a doctor with 2 degrees, looking to earn my 3rd. Our qualification and career mismatch, his slight lack of refinement and imperfect command of English were reasons that made me hesitate to get into a relationship in the beginning, otherwise we had very similar minds, hearts, views and long term goals. I told him about my hang ups- he promised to work on getting a remote career and a degree or 2 before we can "get serious"- officially tell our families etc. The dating pool and open minded people are non existent where we live before you berate us for contemplating a seemingly incompatible pairing. I was hesitant the first few months- we live 3 hours apart by road, get to see each other approx once in 2 weeks and don't have many common hobbies or interests to make a lot of solid conversation besides playful stuff.

At 3 months of dating I fell sick once when he was visiting, he took a day off and stayed to look after me and that made me realize that the way he cares for me is far more valuable in a partner and cannot be easily found and I committed to him mentally. It's been a fun year with many good memories made together but I've been a bit scared to grow and pursue my goals in the fear of leaving him behind. He is my closest friend and confidante. We are each other's best friends- two sensitive introverts who've opened up to each other.

I've determined to be more disciplined this year and I already see a difference. He has again agreed to recommit to finding a remote career and achieve financial stability so that we can "go forward". I DO NOT want to end up being the sole/ major bread winner in this relationship. We both are spendthrift and enjoy good things- so without good careers we'll soon end up in the streets. The expectation to have a better career and education seem reasonable on the surface- but is it too much to ask of him or unfair to him? I'm starting to feel "reality biting" coz he hasn't been motivated to do much this past year. A deadline was set- within this year, if no progress is made, likely to break up in 2024.

Tl;dr: I suddenly feel like a bad person coz maybe my love is conditional. I don't know!!

Wise counsel please?

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