Relationship advice: These five bad habits are ruining your romance USA TODAY
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Wednesday, March 29, 2023
Tuesday, March 28, 2023
I (24f) was messaging a random guy (24m) in hopes to catch him cheating and don't know what to do now.
Hello everyone. I hope this post doesn't make me seem terrible because that is not at all my intention. Honestly, very simple situation (I think) I just don't know where to go from here. I (24f) got a message yesterday morning from a FB friend who I don't know (24m).
He was an old friend of mine's ex's brother and somehow we ended up as friends on FB. This was probably 6 or 7 years ago and we have never once communicated. Well out of the blue yesterday morning, he liked 2 of my pictures (most recent profile pic and one from about 6 years ago) and messaged me saying hello. I went on his page and saw that he has been married since 2019. Now, I have a boyfriend (25m) who I've been dating for 5+ years that I love and have zero interest in this guy who messaged me. I am strictly replying to see how far he's gonna go as he is married and I find it wrong to be messaging a "pretty woman" behind her back.
So, conversation started off basically figuring out how we knew each other and me asking why he messaged me which is where the pretty woman thing comes in. Then it gets basic, getting to know you type stuff like where do you work, what are you studying etc. I decided last night I don't want this to be something that carries on for an extended period of time so I cut middle of the conversation this morning and said I see that you're married, so why are you messaging me?
He basically says there's a bit of tension and he's looking for conversation. I said I wouldn't like it if I had a man messaging other women even when things are tough like it just seems wrong especially considering we don't know each other and all these years later start communicating. He said he knows I'm completely right he just wanted to know what it's like talking to a female without feeling bad because it's more than just tension, it's a lot I guess. He "genuinely" apologized more than once and said he was just looking for conversation and knew I was in another country and he didn't know who I was(???). But idk what I'm supposed to say to him from here or if I'm supposed to tell his wife?
That was my whole original plan was to message her and let her know because I would hate to be in her position and not have someone tell me what's going on behind my back. But at this point, I'm feeling like they're 2 grown people who need to deal with their relationship on their own and I honestly don't know what to do or what to say to him even at this point. Does anyone have any advice?? Should I just cut myself out of the equation and pretend like it never happened? Idk if that makes me a bad person..
TL;DR - FB friend that I don't know from 6-7 years ago randomly messaged me, he is married and I wanted to catch him cheating to tell his wife. He's now saying there's a lot going on between them and he was looking for genuine convo with another female. Don't know what to say to him or if I should tell his wife or just let them sort it out like 2 grown adults.
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, March 27, 2023
my (21f) boyfriend (24m) is lying to me and i dont know what to do
my boyfriend of 3 years and i have a good relationship so far, and we established that we will not go through each others phone earlier on in the relationship, but lately he has been very guarded of his phone and secretive of his texts, so i did what i know is wrong of me ... i went through his phone and found that he was texting a girl that he knows i dont really like. apparently she is in town and they are planning to meet up for dinner on thursday, but he told me he had a work dinner on thursday. basically, he lied to me about his plans. he even texted her that it was better that his gf (me) don't know about this, which is weird.
do i confront him? he might get angry at me for looking through his phone, which is what is stopping me. any advice would be great.
TLDR: i went through my boyfriends phone without him knowing and found out that he was planning to meet up with a girl i dont like.
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, March 26, 2023
My (23f) friend’s (25f) boyfriend (25m) used a word I consider very offensive, but I’m conflicted because of the context he used it in
Something happened last night and I’m still high so I don’t know if I’m overreacting. Me (23F) my friend (25f) and her boyfriend (25m) got drunk and also high on coke, so we were VERY talkative and often times incoherent, if you know you know.
I’ve known my friend, we’ll call her Chloe, for nearly a year and she’s great. Her boyfriend, we’ll call Jack, I’ve never been too keen on. They’ve been together for 5 years and sometimes he can be a bit of a dick, Chloe is not delusional but I think a part of her thinks they’ve been together for so long they may as well make it to the end. He can sometimes be lazy and a bit childish, but overall he is a pretty intelligent guy intellectually and emotionally.
We were talking about really deep topics and the topic of Jack’s family came up. He said how he doesn’t really speak much with his family because they are very ignorant and it’s exhausting trying to ‘correct’ them all the time. Basically lots of racial microaggressions, his mum actually got brought to court because she, and I quote, saw a woman in a hijab sat in a corner and she said to her colleague “I bet she doesn’t speak English” or something along those lines. I believe she is some sort of teacher.
He brought up how his family constantly used slurs and he has to tell them to stop, and Chloe said sometimes family members would say really ignorant things to her because they “can’t say it in front of Jack” and this makes her super uncomfortable too.
For context, he grew up in and his family still lives in Croydon, which is south of London. It is very culturally diverse, specifically with black minorities. Him and his family are white.
He was talking about how it’s very ironic that his mum says the things she says (she’s one of those people who refuses to educate themselves because they think the world has gone ‘sensitive’ and ‘woke’) because one of her best friends is actually black. He was saying how he knows she wouldn’t dare say the things she says in front of her friend, so for her to claim she isn’t being racist is hypocritical.
Anyway, he said “her friend isn’t a [c word that rhymes with moon], I don’t think she knows what my mum says behind closed doors”. I was initially very taken aback because I never hear that word, especially in this country.
I immediately called him out and said that it’s a slur. He said he understands but he meant it in the context of black people being performative towards white people, which is where the word apparently originated. He said people have discussed this with him before and he knows to never say that word in front of someone who is actually black because even if he meant it ‘in that context’ it would obviously be in big trouble. Chloe agreed and said he had to be careful saying that word, it’s clear they have had a conversation about it before.
This is what is confusing me. I do believe using that word is wrong in any context (he said the n word purely has racist origins so he would never say it) and I personally had no idea it has a different context as I’ve only ever known it as a slur (also not very common in the UK either).
I’m just confused because he is very against slurs, always calls out racism etc. I know this doesn’t mean he can’t be racially ignorant but I think I was just very confused in the context of the situation because it came out of nowhere.
Jack isn’t ignorant, he’s quite an emotionally intelligent person and so is Chloe. I don’t know if this is some weird blip.
I’ve had similar situations before with close friends who used words/said things I don’t agree with. I understand no one is perfect, but these situations create a lot of anxiety for me as it triggers a ‘guilty conscience’ reaction in my head which leads to panic attacks and long bouts of depression. I’m currently in therapy unpacking things like this, because some things have grey areas and I’m not automatically a bad person for wanting to stay friends with someone even after they said something out of the blue.
I was just wondering people’s thoughts on this. This is the first time he has ever said something like this and I’ve known him for nearly a year. He is very outspoken against racism and microaggressions usually, so now I feel confused.
Tl;dr my friend’s boyfriend who is usually very outspoken against racism/slurs, mentioned a slur when describing his racist mum’s friend (who is black). He told me as the ‘context’ of the word has multiple meanings he felt okay to use it.
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* This article was originally published here
Saturday, March 25, 2023
How come i like so much someone i should absolutely not?
I'm (32M) and shes (26F).
Hello. I very deeply like this woman i shouldn't, ever. She's everything that goes against what i believe or want, her style of life is not only something i don't converge, but something i've honestly felt contempt for my whole life. Her conversations bore me incredibly, her looks are "ok", but nothing too much (in my perspective), her goals are the opposite of mine. Everything points me to indifference towards her, everything, and yet i can only think about her - and she likes me as well, something that's also weird. We've been dating for a while, and i just can't wrap my mind around this insanity.
Have you ever been through something like it? It bothers me because i know it can't possibly work in long term with these insane differences. Being different is normal, some divergences are normal, some compromise is normal, but the complete opposite is not maintainable.
TL;DR: Irrational liking towards someone i should not.
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* This article was originally published here
Friday, March 24, 2023
Fiancee [22,f] cheated on me [24,m] 3 years ago.
My fiancee and I are in a long distance relationship for a little more than 5 years now. I proposed to her last year. I am almost done with university and already found a job in a city rather far away from my family and friends. The plan was to marry this year and finally live together there.
First, here is the timeline of her ex boyfriends.
Ex A -> Ex B -> Ex C -> Me
So, yesterday Ex C wrote me a message saying they were constantly chatting and calling each other for the last 5 years. There are screenshots of up-to 20 calls a day. She constantly complained to him about me, told him I was an abuser, controlling and so on. Naturally, Ex C who lives just as far away as I do, who is still in love with her, wanted to take her to his place and start a new life there. He said at times she was even begging him to do it, and so he finally decided to buy train tickets and show up at her place. She started panicking and got in an argument with him. Finally, he was so fed up with her lies - he decided to tell me everything.
Now, we started talking, and he casually mentioned that he would never forgive cheating. I was kind of surprised, because I didnt know of her cheating on me. So he told me: 3 years ago, when we had an argument, she just called Ex A, got into a car with him. They drove to a lake and fucked there. She told HIM immediately after. And although I was jealous and suspected something was off - to me she always denied it.
I confronted her with it - meanwhile she was begging me to stay, swore she would never lie again - but denied that she ever cheated on me. She said "I dont remember and I would remember such a thing". She proceeded begging me to not leave her. After about an hour of begging and trying to call me, she confessed to me that she - in fact - slept with Ex A.
I can't imagine how I am supposed to trust her... She already fucked her ex, she probably did it again without anyone knowing - I know they talked and met again a couple of times. Im not sure what to think, I planned my whole life around her. We wanted to finally live together. Now I have a job far away from my mom and my friends. I dont want to throw away the 5 years we had together, and I can forgive her fucking her ex. It was 3 years ago, she was younger and a lot more stupid. People change. But the fact that she was lying WHILE BEGGING ME to forgive her. While PROMISING to never lie again. That is so fucked up. I dont know if I should forgive her... who knows how many other people she fucked. Who knows if she fucked her ex last week. I obviously cant trust her.
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to think. My whole life planning just went down the drain, my whole motivation in life was to live with her, together - and i dont know if I should forgive her. She will lie again and that is a fact, but maybe she can change... Although I suspect she has some kind of borderline, I cant imagine why a person would try to lie in every word otherwise. I never prohibited her from talking to Ex C, or anyone else. I even explcitly said it was okay to talk to him and that the only thing that hurts me is the constant lies. And STILL, she tried to hide it from me as best as she could. Deleted chats, had burner accounts and so on.
What are your opinions on this whole shitshow? What should I do...?
tl;dr fiancee cheated on me with ex 3 years ago. I found out from another ex who she talked to constantly for 5 years.
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, March 23, 2023
does my (16F) classmate (16M) like me, or he is just being nice?
does my (16f) classmate (16m) like me, or is he just nice?
so this is a new school year, and I've been in my class for slightly over a month already. Recently I started being friends with a guy I'll call E, we started a conversation during lunch and I guess we're friends now? Thing is I've been in an all girls school for 10 years of my life and have 0 clue how boys act when they like a girl. I have pretty solid examples which I'll list below.
In our friend group of about 7 people, I feel like he talks to me the most? Like when we're moving from place to place he'll come up to me to talk and walk. I guess that's pretty normal for friends to do regardless of gender anyway.
Sometimes, he offers to clear my bowl after I'm done eating without me asking AT ALL. Like he'll go "I'll help you return the bowl" and before I can say anything he takes my bowl to the return area. Thanks I guess? Plus he sometimes helps me throw my drink cup away too... (I think he doesn't do this to other girls in our friend group or maybe I'm unobservant) And usually he'll sit next to me at the table during lunch.
Today after school I was walking towards the school gate to go home and he appeared beside me to walk together. We walked to the bus stop and talked quite a lot too. We found out we had something in common and we were laughing a bit too.
I find that we actually get along pretty well, but I'm starting to question if he's interested in me. I'm not particularly good looking either so it's probably not looks. Can someone tell me if he likes me or is he just being nice?
TL;DR I can't tell if my friend likes me or if he's being nice due to my lack of experience. He helps me with stuff without me asking and seems to find ways to try to talk to me. Does he like me?
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* This article was originally published here
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