What do green flags in relationships look like? - OTV News

What do green flags in relationships look like?  OTV News

* This article was originally published here

My boyfriend [24M] and I [21F] just moved. How do we get through it?

I [21F] and my bf [24M] have been dating for almost 4 years and moved into a new apartment about 2 weeks ago and it's been a mix of emotions. We've both been studying the whole time we've been dating, and now that we've both graduated we got an opportunity to rent an apartment that my boyfriend's aunt and uncle owns. This apartment is bigger than our last one and it fits us both really well; I get my own gaming and drawing corner, and he gets a big room to record music in.

Now to the problem: We've always had a bit of an issue with keeping our home tidy. It's not on a serious hoarder-like level, but you can almost always find used dishes here and there, empty fastfood bags in the kitchen, dust and dust bunnies everywhere, overflowing trash bin, (and my biggest pet-peeve) empty containers of "microwaveable food" on the counter, not in the trash bin.

In our defense, I want to mention that during our time dating and living together I've worked weekend and night-shifts in retail while my boyfriend studied full time and took student loans instead to be able to afford everything. During the last year I think both of us have gotten a bit depressed and burnt out from various stuff. I graduated last fall and kept working at my then job in retail which wasn't a good place for me. I also god diagnosed with ADD when I was 17 and haven't gotten to it with trying out medication for it, which boosts the depression quite a bit. I now have a new job which I like a lot better but I think I still haven't had time to rest up from my previous job which has resulted in severe depression and anxiety the last couple of weeks.

My boyfriend also worked really hard all winter to finish his degree and thesis. This also took a toll on him, but he at least has now found a job that he will be starting in a few weeks which I hope he will like.

During the last year and a half I've been going down a spiral of "laziness" and just general emptiness. I don't have any energy to cook or eat a decent meal, if I eat anything decent it's often a plate of plain pasta and maybe some meatballs or chicken which my boyfriend makes for me. Other than that it's often fast food and snacks. This results in the fast food bags in the kitchen. My boyfriend also often just buys "micro-pizzas", throws them in the microwave, and often leaves the packaging from them laying beside the microwave. Since I'm also too tired I also often leave used dishes on the kitchen table and in the sink instead of the dishwasher. This is probably what started it all.

Now back to the move; we moved the last boxes and furniture 2 weeks ago and a lot of it still hasn't found a place. All of our clothes are in a huge pile on the floor in our bedroom because we haven't gotten around to fixing shelves for the wardrobes. I have to step over boxes in the kitchen and living room because none of us have gotten around to unpacking, but everytime I look at all the boxes and bags I just feel a big lump in my stomach and can't find myself to getting started, I feel exhausted before I've even begun. My boyfriend is also repainting a couple of windows (the work is taken off of the rent) which is taking a long time because of the many layers of paint that they require, so the unpacking is sort of my job now.

Always seeing all of the boxes and being in a new place has made me easily irritated and feeling down all the time. I know nothing justifies it, but it makes me snap at my boyfriend, like really snap. We've never fought as much as we've done the last month. I get so annoyed when he leaves trash everywhere, and when I point it out, he starts nagging about the used dishes, the moving boxes, the windows and that he's also tired. Even the smallest things like dropping something on the floor or accidentally hitting my knee or finger or something can ruin the rest of the day.

Today was the first day that I felt like taking on a bit of stuff, but after cleaning out a bit of trash, emptying the bin, and failing to move a spare heavy mattress I just lost all interest.

I love my boyfriend, but I wish I could just snap my fingers and make everything go in its right place. I'm so scared that he'll get sick of all my arguing and yelling, but I can't help it. I really don't know what to do. Any input?

TD;LR: Boyfriend and I are both depressed and sorth of burnt out and have just moved into a new apartment. Can't find myself to unpack everything and we both get irritated and argue all the time.

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* This article was originally published here

Almost Dating but in long distance. How should I approach this

Hey there,

So, there's this girl (22f) who's really good friends with my best friend and another close friend of mine (I'm 22m). My best friend keeps insisting that I should ask her out, thinking we could be a great match. Well, I finally met her at a party a few weeks ago, and we had a great conversation. Unfortunately, I had to leave early, but later I reached out to her on Instagram and asked her out. She said she's interested, but said she's going on a 3-month trip to Vietnam, and her flight is in a few days (from when I texted her). However, she made it clear to my best friend that she's genuinely interested and it's only the trip that's keeping her from going out with me. She even told my best friend she'd love to go out once she's back, if I'm still available.

Now, she's in Vietnam, and we've got this somewhat unusual Instagram connection going on. We comment on each other's stories from time to time (I don't post much, to be honest). It's a bit strange because we don't really know each other well, and I find it challenging to get to know someone purely through texts. Plus, I tend to overthink things, so I worry about coming on too strong or texting her too frequently, even though I'm probably just being overly cautious.

My question is, how should I handle this situation? I really want to maintain this connection because I hope to date her when she comes back. I don't want to accidentally mess things up through texting. Should I comment on her stories often? How should I approach this?What are your thoughts on this?

Thanks!

TL;DR: There's a girl who's friends with my best friend and another friend of mine. My best friend thinks we'd be a good match, so I asked her out after a party. She's interested, but she's currently on a 3-month trip to Vietnam. We're staying connected through Instagram, commenting on each other's stories. I want to date her when she returns but worry about texting too much or coming on too strong. Seeking advice on how to handle the situation and maintain the connection.

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* This article was originally published here

People think my(22F) bf(22M) is gay

People think my bf is gay and I'm not sure how to deal with this

I've been dating my bf for a while now and we're happy. But the issue is what the title suggests. When I first met him I thought he was gay too. He has a way of speaking and movements that resemble the way that some gay men behave. I try to not care about what others think and focus on us and only us. But it's difficult at times, when family and friends secretly think that he must be gay. Like my mom said to me "then why does he act like this if he's not gay?". Which is unreasonable but still painful to hear. Or like the other day, he went to a party with a friend (I couldn't go because I wasn't well and he wanted to go since he almost never goes out with friends). His friend was looking for girls to hook up with so my bf was pretty much not participating in the convo, so he had started talking to a group of guys and he told me that one of them asked him if he has a girlfriend or if he's gay etc. I can't really blame the other guy, since I thought he was gay when I first met him. Anyway we've talked about it and he said that he doesn't like how other people make such assumptions but at the same time he doesn't really care all that much. I love him a lot and I could see a future wirh him but it hurts people thinking that I'm dating a gay man. It's like they're questioning our whole relationship, our love, everything. And at times I feel embarrassed.

Tldr; everyone thinks my bf is gay and it hurts me.

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* This article was originally published here

My (23f) relationship with my boyfriend (28m) of 1.5 years is on the rocks and I don't know what to do about it.

Hey guys, any advice or insight would be appreciated. This will be long so apologies in advance. I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years, we both love each other and don't want to be apart but are currently on a two week break to clear our heads and decide how to proceed. This is my first serious relationship where he's had at least one before, for context.

About 4 months in to our relationship I had my first doubts of how different our life values are. Nothing crazy like I want kids and he doesn't (we both want kids, marriage etc) but he disclosed to me he doesn't feel its important for me to meet his family or friends, and he doesn't feel it important to meet mine either, that it would probably happen eventually but its just not important to him. Growing up he did not have a close or bonded family and they live 4 hours away, so me meeting then was never important to me, where I'm extremely close with my family so that seemed extremely alien and hurtful to me - I wanted him to want to be part of my family.

I put it down to a quirk of his and we continued on even though I felt hurt. He met my family a little while later because he knew it was important to me but that's it. I met his parents after almost a year because we went to an event in his part of the country where they are. I also met his friends (he has a large group of friends that frequently go out and do things together, I have a few close friends but not a group) when they were holding events on weekends and I was with him.

He has his own place a 40 minute drive from where I live with my parents and when we met he didn't drive, so it made sense for me to go over there for ease and privacy. He soon learned to drive and got a car, but that just kinda continued. In 1.5 years he's never once offered to come to mine for the weekend to save me driving or spend time with my family, he thinks being around my family is awkward and he doesn't want to. He now hasn't seen my family in 8 months, and has still only met one of my friends because simply we're always at his place.

My first real upset was in October when I was meant to be driving 4 hours to meet him and go to previously mentioned event, he was already there for something else. I had just recovered from glandular fever, and was apprehensive about doing such a long drive in a horrible city I'd never been. I called him a few days before, said this and asked if I could go on the train there and then he drives us both back. He was then upset because he'd have to leave a day earlier than he planned and miss out on an extra day with his mates. This upset me as I had just been very ill, was run down and nervous of such a long horrible drive and he was more bothered about an extra day with his friends. He did it but wasn't happy about it.

Then in November a close friend of mine died. I was distraught. I found out when I was at work and messaged him, he never offered to come see me, I had to ask him to. That also hurt. I wanted him to want to come and make sure I was alright. Then, not long ago, we were at his friends for a party and it got to midnight and I was tired and fairly tipsy, said I wanted to go home and wanted to order an uber. He said fine but he isn't going home yet, so he let me go home in an uber by myself drunk at midnight so he could spend an extra hour with his mates. Again, this really hurt.

A few times in our relationship I'll say I want to visit X place or do X thing, more often than not he'll say he's already been or done something similar, so he doesn't want to. Or, a few times we've organised something, like I said I wanted to go to the beach, looked forward to it all week, the day before came and he says he can't be bothered, its due to rain and he doesn't want to. I end up upset so we go, but again I know he isn't happy about it.

Another thing to consider is that I work in the veterinary field, I live breathe and adore animals. He's not an animal person, never has been, and is slightly allergic to dogs (my pet of choice). I can't love without a dog, he doesn't know if he can live with one.

It's been a known fact its likely he'll have to move to a large city 4 hours away for his niche type of work this time next year. I've always known and been apprehensive, but it came to a head after a small argument about something silly a few weeks ago. I knew in my heart I didn't want to leave my whole life and move from my family, job I love, and all my friends to a huge city (I'm a country gal) and the thought scared me. We nearly ended it, but agreed to wait it out and he'll do his best to get a close job so it doesn't happen.

After this, things still just felt weird. I'd see my friends partners surprising them with a day trip somewhere for their birthday, or writing them sweet words in their birthday cards (none of which my bf has ever done for me, I get 'to (me), happy birthday! love from (him)'. I started thinking more about all the previously mentioned occurrences. I was upset and worrying that I'm not getting the effort I need and deserve from him and started a conversation. It was tense and I was upset and crying, I looked over and he had fallen asleep. As I was crying over our relationship. A little later he woke up, we spoke about him never wanting to do the things I suggest and he said 'why should I bore myself to entertain you'. That was my final straw that day, it seemed to encapsulate all the little worried I had about him only doing things that serve him and me just being convenient. I gathered my things and left his place. We agreed we needed space and set a time to speak again, as I was leaving things were calm but sad, we were both teary, hugged and kissed and told each other we love each other but we need time.

All my friends and family I have told this to are shocked at what he said, says he doesn't put enough effort in and I deserve better. A large part of me agrees. But a large part of me loves him and the great parts of our relationship because there's plenty. Ge gets me thoughtful gifts, he's loyal, he's kind, he's physically effectionate that I love, we have great bedroom chemistry, we laugh all the time and he does make me very happy most of the time. But it does often come back to examples of me not feeling like his priority, not feeling like he'd go out of his way for me - he loves our relationship as long as its convenient for him.

I'm torn. I don't know what decision to make. I love and miss him dearly and he said he misses me too and didnt want me to leave, but I want to feel like I'm someone's priority, and don't right now and haven't for a while. Any insight is massively appreciated.

TLDR, my boyfriend and I are on a two week break from 1.5 years of relationship, our relationship has wonderful parts and we love and miss each other but I often feel like he doesn't prioritise me, and will only actively be in our relationship so long as its convenient for him.

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* This article was originally published here

Does my bf (M,30) love me anymore (F,32) ?

We've been dating for almost 4 years. During our relationship I had many projects where I was a beginner / had imposter syndrome (eg. changed jobs, passed drivers licence), all that implies I had to persevere & be strong.

My partner has been supporting of me since I am more anxious and I am thankful really. But sometimes it feels like he's a life coach to me & lives with loving my potential, not who I am now.

With all the projects done etc. I guess down the road I lost some confidence in myself (never really had a support system so I needed reassurance during these projects), he says he liked me better at the start of the relationship cause I had more self-esteem. He says I seem "limited" in my beliefs and actions (playing small, am not strong enough, should know how to reply to ppl to defend myself, etc.).

Even though I agree with some of his comment and am working on it, I can't help but think he doesn't love me anymore I don't feel his equal, but more like a construction site...should I accept being talked to like this?? :( Makes me feel like I should just be thankful that he stays with me.

Or should I just forget, accept it as a feedback & be thankful that he shared it and doesn't break up with me & try to work on it for myself?

TL;DR Bf is giving brutal comment about what should change in me but makes me wonder if he loves me for who I am.

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Self-Doubt and the Desire to Mother a (Yet-to-be-Fostered) Child

I'm grappling with a personal issue, largely rooted in my low self-esteem. My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years and we're both in our mid-thirties. The inevitable tick-tock of my biological clock has begun to echo more loudly in my ears lately. My partner, however, does not wish to have biological children, and his reasons are quite noble: his sisters and aunts are adopted, and he was raised in a family that normalized adoption. Driven by his love for children, he wishes to provide a better life for those already in existence, rather than bringing new ones into the world. He believes in giving a chance to a child who's waiting for a loving home, instead of contributing to overpopulation.I have gradually accepted this perspective, having been reassured by many mothers that genes don't necessarily dictate the strength of the parent-child bond. The consensus seems to be that biological ties don't guarantee a healthy, fulfilling relationship with one's children.

This past weekend, my partner's nephew (9 years old) came to visit us. My partner loves his nephew like his own child since the child's father was never there and my partner lived with the child until he was 3. Initially, I viewed the visit as an opportunity for him to bond with his uncle and aunt. However, plagued by the fear of feeling like a third wheel, I quickly withdrew. Usually, I have dance class on Saturdays, and I had planned to forego it to spend time with the young visitor. When my partner suggested I go to my own place on Friday (probably to prevent waking them up early for my dance class), I felt ousted. Instead of expressing my desire to stay and spend time with the family, I retreated, feeling disheartened.

On Saturday, I attended my dance class and then went home, spending the remainder of the day sleeping until Sunday morning. I ignored my partner's updates on their activities, even though they were invitations to join them. On Sunday, I informed him of my decision not to join them, citing my discomfort of feeling like an outsider. His understanding response was: "That's totally okay, I just don't want you to feel bad." Secretly, I had hoped for an enthusiastic insistence that I join them, an assurance that I was not an outsider.

This incident has sparked a concern regarding our adoption/foster child plans. I'm afraid I won't be able to forge a strong maternal bond with our future adopted child because my partner, who is incredibly good with kids, may inadvertently overshadow me. Furthermore, I'm still wrestling with the idea of not having a biological child, and the thought of struggling to connect with a child not born of me is intimidating. My fear is that I may end up feeling more like a competitor for my partner's attention than a mother.

A few years back, during a visit to my ex-boyfriend's friends' home, I felt uncomfortable around their kids. My inexperience was apparent, and one of the children even declared, "I don't like her." Despite the other adults' attempts to include me, I couldn't enjoy the visit, struggling to shift my focus from my need for my partner's attention to the children. In the end, I managed to navigate the situation, but I couldn't fully share in the joy of caring for the little ones like the others did.

I guess I'm looking for your thoughts on my feelings and behavior. I'm seeking advice or perhaps similar experiences that could provide some comfort and hope. I yearn to embrace the role of a mother, but I'm uncertain if my yearning is sufficient, or if my struggle to shift into a nurturing mindset is a sign that I should rethink this path. Could my difficulty in connecting with children and fears about having a foster child be indicating that this may not be the right choice for me? Any insights or experiences would be greatly appreciated.

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TL;DR: I'm dealing with feelings of inadequacy and fear of being overshadowed in my relationship, especially regarding our plans to have a foster child. A recent experience with my partner's nephew intensified these feelings. I'm also unsure about my ability to connect with a child that isn't biologically mine. Looking for advice, shared experiences, and insights on embracing motherhood through adoption.

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* This article was originally published here