I'm grappling with a personal issue, largely rooted in my low self-esteem. My partner and I have been together for 4.5 years and we're both in our mid-thirties. The inevitable tick-tock of my biological clock has begun to echo more loudly in my ears lately. My partner, however, does not wish to have biological children, and his reasons are quite noble: his sisters and aunts are adopted, and he was raised in a family that normalized adoption. Driven by his love for children, he wishes to provide a better life for those already in existence, rather than bringing new ones into the world. He believes in giving a chance to a child who's waiting for a loving home, instead of contributing to overpopulation.I have gradually accepted this perspective, having been reassured by many mothers that genes don't necessarily dictate the strength of the parent-child bond. The consensus seems to be that biological ties don't guarantee a healthy, fulfilling relationship with one's children.
This past weekend, my partner's nephew (9 years old) came to visit us. My partner loves his nephew like his own child since the child's father was never there and my partner lived with the child until he was 3. Initially, I viewed the visit as an opportunity for him to bond with his uncle and aunt. However, plagued by the fear of feeling like a third wheel, I quickly withdrew. Usually, I have dance class on Saturdays, and I had planned to forego it to spend time with the young visitor. When my partner suggested I go to my own place on Friday (probably to prevent waking them up early for my dance class), I felt ousted. Instead of expressing my desire to stay and spend time with the family, I retreated, feeling disheartened.
On Saturday, I attended my dance class and then went home, spending the remainder of the day sleeping until Sunday morning. I ignored my partner's updates on their activities, even though they were invitations to join them. On Sunday, I informed him of my decision not to join them, citing my discomfort of feeling like an outsider. His understanding response was: "That's totally okay, I just don't want you to feel bad." Secretly, I had hoped for an enthusiastic insistence that I join them, an assurance that I was not an outsider.
This incident has sparked a concern regarding our adoption/foster child plans. I'm afraid I won't be able to forge a strong maternal bond with our future adopted child because my partner, who is incredibly good with kids, may inadvertently overshadow me. Furthermore, I'm still wrestling with the idea of not having a biological child, and the thought of struggling to connect with a child not born of me is intimidating. My fear is that I may end up feeling more like a competitor for my partner's attention than a mother.
A few years back, during a visit to my ex-boyfriend's friends' home, I felt uncomfortable around their kids. My inexperience was apparent, and one of the children even declared, "I don't like her." Despite the other adults' attempts to include me, I couldn't enjoy the visit, struggling to shift my focus from my need for my partner's attention to the children. In the end, I managed to navigate the situation, but I couldn't fully share in the joy of caring for the little ones like the others did.
I guess I'm looking for your thoughts on my feelings and behavior. I'm seeking advice or perhaps similar experiences that could provide some comfort and hope. I yearn to embrace the role of a mother, but I'm uncertain if my yearning is sufficient, or if my struggle to shift into a nurturing mindset is a sign that I should rethink this path. Could my difficulty in connecting with children and fears about having a foster child be indicating that this may not be the right choice for me? Any insights or experiences would be greatly appreciated.
TL;DR: I'm dealing with feelings of inadequacy and fear of being overshadowed in my relationship, especially regarding our plans to have a foster child. A recent experience with my partner's nephew intensified these feelings. I'm also unsure about my ability to connect with a child that isn't biologically mine. Looking for advice, shared experiences, and insights on embracing motherhood through adoption.
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