Is it possible to change your mind about someone overnight? Did I cause that?

I had a long distance relationship with a man for some time, where he was so interested to begin with. The first time we met was in person and I felt he was interested in me. He messaged consistently called consistently asked me lots of questions and made time for me. He started to bring up serious topics like marriage. It turns out we were compatible on values and future goals and it all made sense really. He made plans for a future together asked me when I want to marry him, asked me about the proposal the rings the honeymoon everything. It was going really great. He was supportive and consistent in communication. I really fell for him.

At the same time as the marriage talk started I noticed he changed slightly. Although initially he liked to joke around a lot and throw digs at me here and there, the jokes increased to things like ‘you’re so old that..’ ‘seems you have memory issues and Alzheimer’s because of your age’ ‘you’re so stupid’ ‘such a b****’. I did make it clear I don’t like these jokes but he would stop then start again. I also noticed he called other women degrading terms. He called some of my career decisions stupid also because he didn’t agree with them. I always took an interest in his hobbies and did them but when I asked him to do the same back he wouldn’t. I guess I noticed this stuff but just saw it as his character and that he didn’t mean anything bad by it because that’s what he told me.

We got some time to spend together recently which I was looking forward to. We had planned to get engaged quite soon. But he acted so different from the moment we met again. Admittedly I was a bit shy initially around him but otherwise was my normal self. He was quite cold and formal and almost bored. He wasn’t smiling or laughing. A few days in I called him up on this and he said there is no connection. He said conversation was awkward - it wasn’t, he just wasn’t interested in what I had to say. It felt like he was making excuses. This was a massive shock to me because he seemed so excited for a future a few days earlier. It ended nicely and I left. I told him that his jokes had upset me and he says he didn’t realise but will change for his future partner. I’m reeling and don’t know what I did wrong. Any ideas? I’m scared I won’t find someone consistent again.

TL;DR: 35M left me 33F out of the blue despite him pushing for a future almost overnight. Where did I go wrong.

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* This article was originally published here

Girlfriend (f22) has given up on me (m23) because she doesn't feel loved/desired. What now?

Long story short we've been together for a little bit more than a year and she just (a week ago) realized that she has never felt loved/desired and I don't love her, I don't feel passionate towards her. Now she has given up on me, doesn't believe a thing I say, and more importantly has stopped walking naked in front of me after the shower/while changing and doesn't feel comfortable hugging, kissing or having sex at all anymore since last week. She says she's not comfortable touching me anymore and has given up on all of that.

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She's a person I value more than my own life. I do and would do everything for her. If she needs anything I feel genuinely good to help her out. Before we lived 50km apart, I with my parents, she in the dorm, she's an international student and comes from a different continent. I moved to the city where she studies, and pay bills together. I have always delayed and put my own things aside for her, my work, my bodybuilding, everything. I was extremely depressed before getting to know her and she had saved me. She filled a giant hole on my body that I couldn't fill in by anything. I will not spend a day without her on this planet. We've talked about the future a lot, kids, pets, the house, everything. I take care of our pet, take care of the dishes most of the time and same goes for cleaning the apartment. I make breakfast, and dinner mostly too. I take care of the groceries because of her being so busy with studies and honestly also pay for 95% of things (I don't mind that, I always praised my money as "our" money and that we both can spend the income I get. Even encouraged her to get and save money for herself and things she wants, while I wear the same pair of shoes/sneakers from summer to winter until the sole wears off and I can feel the ground I'm walking on).

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I am an anxious person/attachment style, she's an Avoidant. I feel anxious whenever I feel like she's in a bad mood and always want to help, to the point where it's annoying, she frequently shuts down, ignores me, stonewalls and is insulting me. We live together for 8 months already. She doesn't like deep or even relatively deep conversations and just picks up the phone while talking to me to browse Instagram reels. 95% of the time serious conversations become arguments, her heating up, saying "you never", "you always", her slamming the bathroom door, to the point where it has somewhat traumatized me and have made me feel like I'm alone with my emotions, my anxiety and my needs, I can't say no, I have to agree with everything or it's gonna be 3 days of silence, stonewalling and her independence shooting up - not letting me help with anything, wants to do everything alone, doesn't text me while at university (she's still studying, I'm done with studies and work from home) and other similar things. I've become traumatized where I go to the bathroom, kitchen and cry while washing the dishes, weep at home on the floor after dropping her off at university every morning. I've learned to treat her as carefully as I can not to suffer anxiety from not talking/having several bad days in a row because she gets angry. I have to admit I've started to control my anxiety because of reading about attachment styles, and have told her about it too. She doesn't seem to do much about her childhood traumas and her being so avoidant.
I'm her first boyfriend, she's my first girlfriend. She's my first sex partner, while she has had +-20 partners because of a heartbreak that made her feel undesirable and then she went rogue to "show him" how undesirable she is.
Here's what she has said/have never made her feel desired because:

1.She doesn't like being asked permission for kissing, hugging, having sex. She wants to be kissed randomly, hugged from the back spontaneously and "bent over the bed and just fucked and dominated". I have "never" kissed, hugged or had her randomly picked up and fucked. (My response has been that I have been randomly kissing her, hugging her while she washes the dishes, but have been lacking with dominant sex as my sex "language" has always been passionate, slow, kiss full sex. Her's is borderline r@p3 (as she's asked me to try that one day on her). I have feared rejection not only about sex, but also hugs and kisses because I'm afraid to make her angry and make her shut down for days which makes my head think I'll loose her, make the relationship bad. She has repeatedly pushed me away and rejected my hugs and kisses while angry so I learned it's not something I should do and just give her time to rest, cool off)

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1.1 I never solve arguments by just coming to her and just hugging her. I always want to talk instead. "some things are not fixed by talking". (I've done all of that, been swatted, or pushed away, and learned a lesson not to do it anymore because it makes matters worse, so why gamble if I should hug her and will it make her feel better in some universe, or I should ask her consent first instead)

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2.I don't respect her boundaries - a)not getting her things when she's angry, like flowers or chocolate, b)and not pushing on conversations to her when she doesn't want to talk. (I don't get her things anymore after she told me not to, we had a conversation about it, but made a mistake of getting her flowers for the start of the new university semester starting just a day after our argument, she took it as "you are buying me, my feelings again and dont respect what I said". As for the conversation topic, she made a test if I could let an argument we have slide and not push her to it. I politely asked if she wants to talk about it, she said no, I asked if we can talk about my feelings then and what hurt me in that instance whilst keeping her side out. I'm a firm believer that communication is key and I still, despite being hurt over and over for showing my emotions, try and bring things up to clear resentment and have a better relationship. Unfortunately asking to talk about my feelings in this situation made her really angry, I broke her boundary/her test.)

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Now we had a serious conversation, I of course apologized for everything because I feel like I had to, explained my point of view and was asking her about all the boundaries, what I can do to improve the situation. I apologized for being so careful with her and asking consent, I told her I have a different love language and just because I don't love her by always randomly kissing her, hugging her, I still ask as it's on my mind and I still want to. I gave her several new promises, told her I'll change some ways and not give up on her, our love. I won't stop trying. She says she's uncomfortable holding my hand even, we haven't touched each other for 4 days now, and so we can't even really go outside because she doesn't want people to think we're not together. She's given up, "we're going in circles" and I'm "either ignorant or just don't care about her". She said "be patient", "maybe we won't ever touch again", "do anything but respect my boundaries and don't touch me".
I have never been angry to this woman in my life, never raised a voice, a hand, have always been there for her when she's crying, have ran to the university when she forgot her pencils at home, make her fresh school lunch every day with a special note/joke inside to brighten up her day every day, I fix her bike the first thing I can when it breaks down alongside so many other things but I'm just not enough. I don't make her feel desired.

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I will never leave this woman by myself, so please don't tell me to. Is there any advice, absolutely anything I can do to win her heart again?

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Sexy time has always been a problem to us, my sex drive is 3x higher than hers. She hasn't been wanting to have sex for the last half a year and told me to "initiate it more, think of new positions, be more dominant", which I have done and she has admitted to me doing a good job at it.
Apart from singing to her whilst playing the guitar and asking her to be my valentine, I am not sure how to act now.

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tl;dr girlfriend feels like im lying and i dont love her because of her feeling like i dont respect her boundaries - me being anxious and too careful with her, not initiating sex the way she wants me to and now is uncomfortable with physical touch, huggs, kisses. Breaking up is not an option, so what can i do?

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* This article was originally published here

My [20F] boyfriend [22M] has made a few harmless, but eyebrow-raising statements about female anatomy. Should I try and educate him, or suggest he does it himself?

I just want to preface that he isn’t hostile or misogynistic in his claims, he is pro-choice and he’s never disrespected me or hurt me in any way. He isn’t disgusted by periods, pregnancy and other things, and he trusts me when I state my preferences in bed. Things he has said seem to be rooted in ignorance, since in my country there’s literally no sex ED at all. The only woman in his family is also his mom, so, there’s that.

Some examples: 1. Before we had our first time (which was also the first for me) he asked, sheepishly: “What if your hymen is too elastic and we won’t be able to break it?”. 2. When I was having my monthly mental breakdown before my period (granted, I struggle during that time), he asked: “Is this normal? Shouldn’t you see a doctor because you get mood swings?”.
3. We were watching “Quiet place”, where a pregnant woman (and mother of three) is shown to measure her blood pressure in a post-apocalyptic setting. He said: “Wow, she must be a doctor of some sorts! She seems to know what she’s doing”. One of our friends then mentioned that she’s literally pregnant with her fourth, so it’s pretty expected of her to measure her blood pressure. He took a moment to think and said “Oh, yeah. That’s right”. 4. During a discussion he said “egg cell” when meaning “uterus”. After we cleared that out, it seems like he thought those were the same thing? As in, “a cell that contains eggs”. 5. We had an argument where, after a pretty insensitive joke from his friend, I said that “vaginas don’t permanently stretch or get loose”, and he started arguing about semantics and mentioned that “a vagina permanently stretches after childbirth”. I left that conversation because it was too much, and I still wonder wtf that was. It happened like a year ago.

I know these are all pretty harmless, but I have to admit I’m a bit embarrassed that he doesn’t know some stuff I personally consider common knowledge. I once sent him a video (a short 3D animation, nothing graphic) about how the female body functions monthly, and he said he didn’t really want to watch it. I didn’t push, but it kind of made me sad that he isn’t curious about those things. I am honestly wondering if I’m in the wrong.

Should I get off my high horse and just deal with it? It doesn’t really harm our relationship in any way, and I feel like me thinking he’s ignorant is me being a douchebag. But it’s also not like I know everything about male bodies, either.

TL;DR: The title. By boyfriend seems to be ignorant about female anatomy, but it doesn’t manifest in any harmful or negative behaviors. Though it bothers me that he doesn’t understand how my body works and says pretty stupid stuff sometimes. Should I bother bringing it up or is it better for me to chill out and let him be?

Any thoughts? 😬

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* This article was originally published here

I (31f) found out that my bf (30m) got a happy ending massage

We have been dating for 7 years now and living together for 3 years. And I recently found out that he got a happy ending massage a year ago.

Talked him about it and asked how could he do that to me knowing my past trauma with cheating (parents cheated, got left and cheated by baby daddy).

He told me that his friends/coworkers went there before and keep talking about it so he got curious what it is about and went there. And said he only did the handjob, nothing else.

I am devastated and broken and I don’t know what should I do. I think I am in state of shock that up until now I can’t believe that he was able to do that.

He is a nice guy, and a good stepdad. I know he loves me but I felt disgusted and shattered. I don’t know what to do.

I know I don’t want to break up with him but it is so hard for me to even look at him. Though he told me this is the only time be did it. And this is the first time and last time. And promised me he will prove and show me how much he loves me and how sorry he was.

TL;DR caught bf of 7 years got a happy ending massage and hid it from me for a year. Asked why he did that, told me he was curious because his friends went there and keeps talking about it

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* This article was originally published here

My best friend (F28) is close friends with a former hs bully and wants me to "move on"

My best friend (F28) and I (F28) have been close since we were little kids. Let's call her Sally. We've seen each other flourish and fail as we navigate our childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood. Each season and chapter of my life, she has been present just as I have been for hers. Our friendship is what I consider a beautiful blessing that helped shape who I am today. I wouldn't be so hurt by the conversation/ incident I'm about to get into if we weren't so close. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this because I'm worried I'm overreacting/ being too sensitive.

Over dinner 2 weeks ago, I asked Sally who her second-in-command bridesmaid would be at her hypothetical wedding (just some silly, harmless girlish talk). I already knew I'd be the maid of honor since she's told me this since we were kids, so I didn't ask that. She responded that her second closest friend is a girl named Edith (fake name). I couldn't hold a poker face. For context, Edith was a high school bully. In my memory, Edith would talk poorly about all the other girls at our school. If one girl was too fat, another was too skinny. If one girl was too bookish, another was an airhead...you get the idea. Specifically with me, she apparently talked about how my eyes were too big for the rest of my face proportions, my voice was too high-pitched, and that my boobs must be stuffed toilet paper. To be fair, all this was relayed to me by another friend at the time so IDK how true it is. However, I do remember Edith looking at my eczema scars on my neck one day and shouting, "Your neck is just black. The skin is dead!" in front of me and guy I liked at the time. I assumed she was just the type to blurt things out, but tbh, she did this a lot. I could excuse all this as petty high school stuff. Afterall, this was a decade ago. However, even during college, my best friend would call me crying every other week (they went to the same college and I went somewhere else) because Edith would look down upon her and make her feel belittled. They were housemates and I guess Edith would be fine when they were alone but shun her/ignore her when they were out in public. They apparently talked about this later and Edith apologized. And then not too long ago, only a couple years back, Edith outted one of our mutual friends to their church community. My friend had to forcefully come out to her parents after they heart the church chatter. If you've been to Asian American churches, you know this is bad. They're not warm and accepting about queerness at all. This is all information Sally is aware of.
Fast forward to the dinner table, my eyes widened and my jaw fell open. My best friend looked hurt. "You know I'm close to Edith!!" Did I know? Sure, I knew they had been housemates in college and they grew closer after graduation. I did know that my best friend was a bridesmaid for Edith, but tbh, I thought it was because Edith didn't have many heartfelt girlfriends after being so mean-spirited. I had never heard anything positive about Edith from my best friend. Not one compliment or recollection of kindness. "I didn't know she was as important as second closest, I guess," I blubbered. I know it wasn't the greatest response. Our conversation quickly dissipated into awkward silence and tension.
Later that night, I asked "Do you think you can arrange a hangout with all of us together? I realize I still don't think positively about Edith and that feels unfair because I haven't really interacted with her in a bit. At best, my impression of her is neutral as of now. If she's someone important to you, and you believe she has changed, I trust your judgment of character, and I would like to get to know her better." Sally paused for a bit and I waited in silence for around 2 minutes. She then semi-curtly said, "Why? What would we even do? Just catch up since high school?" I was taken aback by her defensiveness. I thought she would be happy that I'd be willing to make an effort to get to know Edith. "I mean, we don't have to talk about everything since high school. We can just talk about what's going on now," I said. Sally stayed quiet for a while again and then said, "You don't have to do that. I appreciate you trying to get to know her, but I don't expect you to." She then went on to tell me how she likes to keep her friendships compartmentalized because of the varying dynamics she shares with everyone. I persisted, "I still would love to get to know her as a person." She sigh exasperatedly and said, "Why do you want to get to know her all of a sudden?" Her tone sounded annoyed and this hurt me. I felt like I was going out of my way to make her more comfortable. She reiterated that she doesn't need me to get to know Edith as a person and that it feels "cringey" to merge her friend groups together. She acknowledged how she thinks I'm great at bringing friends from different parts of my life together and bridging good relationships between them, but since I already don't have the best impression of Edith, I didn't have to do that for her. I didn't want to push more after this so I just said, "Okay, we don't have to hang out or meet, but if you can, can you tell me more positive things about Edith? Like just how she's a good friend or the fun times you share? Doesn't have to be immediate! I just want to hear nicer things about her since the only time I've heard of her after hs was when she was being mean to you." To this, Sally agreed and said that she would have done this earlier if she felt like she had a safe space to do so. She didn't feel like I would want to listen about Edith's good moments since I had a transfixed impression. This kinda confused me because as soon as I found out my friend was one of Edith's bridesmaids, I inquired waaay more about her in hopes that Sally could feel more comfortable bring her up if they were indeed closer now. But never had Sally brought up Edith first. But I get everyone has a different idea of a "safe space" and maybe I didn't make Sally feel comfortable enough to bring up that matter. Sally then alluded I should let go of the past and accept the now since we have all changed. More specifically, she said "I think the stuff she did to you was fucked up, but she really has changed and I think we should move on. And not to dismiss my college woes, but I may have been the one to overreact back then since I needed to process my feelings and you were always the first one I called." I told her I don't care about the stuff Edith said in high school to me, but I do care that I haven't heard anything positive about Edith from her. She sighed and asked me what I would do if my partner had a friend I disliked. Would I expect my partner to do anything about it? I think she asked this because she wanted to gauge what she might have to do. I told her, "Honestly, I wouldn't expect my partner to change his friend since humans have no control over that. We all carry our own autonomy and moral systems. But I'd want to believe my partner can redirect his friend from the wrong path if he sees them being immoral or mean." Sally contemplated this and nodded silently. We then just scrolled on our phones separately for 20 minutes and ended the night.

I want to revisit the conversation and ask Sally why she feels uncomfortable about merging friend groups, but I worry it will push her away or make her wildly uncomfortable again. I don't know if it's the right thing to do to ask more about Edith. The thing is – I'm not sure why it makes her so uneasy. Are there heavy discrepancies in the dynamics she holds that she doesn't want to reveal? Is she afraid I will still dislike Edith regardless of her changes? Is she afraid I'll call Edith out? Does she think I'll embarass her or alter their dynamic?

I'm also processing lingering anxiety that my friend may, in fact, accept the way Edith has acted in the past and be fine with it. This actually hurts me the most. I contemplated if I was jealous of their dynamic even though I've never witnessed it and my sincere answer to that is "no". I don't feel like their friendship puts ours at risk, but I do feel confused and stung by Sally's adamancy on keeping her friend groups separate. How can I approach this topic without scaring her? I feel like my offers to get to know Edith better came off too strong for Sally. :/ Am I caring too much about this? Should I just let it go completely?

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TLDR; my best friend is close with a former hs bully and now wants us to all move on from the past. How can I when she doesn't want me to befriend her and get to know her as the person she is now?

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* This article was originally published here

My [31M] GF [30F] having trouble moving from platonic relationship, what to do?

Me (31M) and my long-term GF (30F) of many years have always had an open communication and honesty in our relationship. Recently, we have come across a situation where she disclosed to me that she has feeling and is in love with another man. She ensured me that she wants to stay with me and has no intentions of being with him. Also nothing physical ever happened and it is purely platonic, although they both shared that they feel something to each other.

She wants to move on, however, she is not ready is immediatelly stop communicating with him and consider it something that has to happen gradually. On one hand, I appreaciate the honesty we have in our relationsip and I do believe she is being fully honest with me. I am also OK with her having feeling someone else, as I understand that platonic love can happen while in a commited relationship. I also communicated this to her.

The part I am thinking about is her moving on. I feel like she is having strong feeling for him, and while not wanting to act on it, the feeling are so strong that she can't just completely cut it with him. I kinda feels like we are stuck like this for some time and this is the part that is making me feel hurt.

What are your advice on what we should do in this difficult situation? Should I feel hurt that she can’t move on so easily?

TL;DR: My GF has platonic feelings for other man and is unable to just cut ties with him.

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* This article was originally published here

debating cheating on my gf

I'm (20M) debating cheating on my gf (20F) to experiment with a guy. I love my gf though she hasn't rly been the best and we've had our fair share of issues. regardless, I don't want to lose her but when I get horny I REALLY want to go down on a guy (and further stuff) just to try. I'm bicurious for sure and have experimented with myself but want to try with a guy. i’m extremely uncomfortable telling her this so that’s sadly not an option. l've downloaded Grindr and I talked to a guy (19M) for a few hours, we became friends and he said i could do whatever i wanted on my own discretion , I just don't know if I should or not. we're long distance and I know cheating could end the relationship, I just highly doubt l'd get caught. just don't know if it's worth the feeling of guilt though. ive always said cheating was bad and have been avidly against cheating, but me and the Grindr guy have also managed to convince myself that me just experimenting with a homie isn’t cheating since there’s no emotion involved. but i know if she found out her heart would be broken. I've also done some questionable things that could certainly be considered cheating like beating off with other ppl online and I don't rly feel guilty about that. but I really don't know what to do, cause I very badly wanna try this stuff but I also want to keep my relationship and my mental sanity.

tl;dr really want to experiment with a guy but also don't want to lose my relationship with my gf.

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* This article was originally published here