I need to take in your anonymous thoughts or advice to figure out how to deal with my sister Lori and her man Brandon.
It is a very complex story to write down but I'll try to keep it as comprehensible and clean as I can. I will also keep it vague, as I do not want to be identified.
TL;DR
- Lori and Brandon broke contact with the rest of my family except for me and a mutual sibling. They pushed me into taking their side and do the same. When I told them I wouldn't break contact with the rest of the family, they harassed me for a whole year, weekly.
- They had a cancer sick child which became fatal, making us re-establish contact. After her passing, we still interact and communicate, but it is really tough and painful at times.
- I have since met a partner. He is understanding but fed up with how they have treated me and what Lori (but mostly Brandon are capable of.
- I worry for Lori and her children because Brandon is intense and seems controlling/abusive. I want to be there for her and the children. At the same time, I am torn from the stress & harassment of the past.
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History of harassment against me
Brandon and Lori had a child together who I had a special bond with. The child sadly got cancer.
At the same time they had a long-lasting fight with our parent and parent’s partner. The conflict spawned from racism and political views. Brandon and his children are darker colored than white. Ultimately my parent went no-contact with them and the only contact they had was with me and another sibling.
They tried pushing me into doing the same; taking their side. But it was their decision and fight. I did not want to end my relationships within my family. When I refused and stood up for myself they harassed me for a whole year. Every other day or so, I would get a text asking why I was spineless and weak coward, why I was an egoist and a betrayer. That their child was asking why I wasn't there, etc. It was very painful and stressful. It was so bad I had to get help from the psychiatric intensive care. This was a couple of years ago.
After a long hiatus of three years or so onward, news reached me that the cancer reappeared in my niece and that it would be bad. Palliative care. My niece had also gotten a sibling during the time. We re-established contact and I spent a lot of time with them again. Felt important to be there for my niece. And for Lori. Until the very end until my niece...
It was terrible and heart-aching for all of us. I have since kept in touch with them.
They now have two lovely children. They are both very energetic and curious. One is diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, the other might have speech delay but is not investigated or really suspected for ASD. They are both very mobile and everywhere. They need a lot of attention and care.
I myself found a fiance, moved away and we have a child together. I take them with me when I visit Lori and Brandon.
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The story could end there, but things are sadly much more complex, and this is what I really need your thoughts on.
It is exhausting and unbearable to be to close with them these days. Brandon makes it very difficult for Lori, their kids, us or whoever is near him because he is infinitely arrogant, manipulative, mentally abusive and intrudes into social situations (e.g. sibling conversations) where he makes himself the protagonist or completely changes the narrative of the conversation. He has always been this way. It is nothing new.
Lori
- Lori is noticeably burnt out. She never gets the peace and quiet she so very much deserve. She never gets to recover from the kids or Brandon.
- Lori has voiced that since the passing of their first child, life hasn't really felt worth living (which I can grasp) and that she lives for the kids. She has mentioned suicide when she has been to her very limit.
- Speaking of which, she is at her limit very often. Every quarter of the year or so. This usually leads to a huge fight with Brandon and she ventilates to me or our sibling. It's hard to hear and listen when I cannot really offer help, because she wouldn't take it and feel its insulting.
- She has mentioned wanting to leave Brandon at the climax of those fights, but has always bounced back to "normal" (which REALLY is chaotic to say the least).
- Even though Lori has harassed me in the past, me being there for her in that situation means a lot to her I feel. I feel the harassment was more Brandons doing, by manipulation and gaslighting.
Brandon
- Brandon is 110% intense. And he loves to talk. To keep himself updated about you, your current thoughts and opinions. So that he knows where he can place you in his hierarchy model. But first and foremost, he talk about what he thinks and ponders on. He takes you on this analytic journey where he asks you questions but then doesn't care what you answer or have to say. He just wants to have your constant attention.
- He can say awkward and uncomfortable things,
- He has got a black-and-white perspective on things and has a hard time navigating gray areas. E.g.: Doesn’t understand how people can be dwell and be anxious over things when they should be able to not be phased by it from the beginning.
- While being hyper-social, he doesn’t pick up on social cues regarding when he should stop talking, be gentle, etc. Doesn't really read the room. Thus, he comes of as being very arrogant. He even says out loud that he takes pride in being arrogant. He is unbearable and everyone I know who interacts with him get exhausted and should step aside to save their sanity.
- He is currently being investigated for autism because his child got diagnosed. Me and my partner already suspected he’s a bit out on Asperger scale & ADD-scale.
- He has said out loud many times that he doesn’t want to earn a living for the family because he wants to be with the family at all times. Says it’s because nothing else matters after his child died.
None of them are have income from jobs. They don't work. Lori is on long term sick leave. Brandon is pushed by government programs to become working again. He is not motivated to go back working, so he keeps coming up with ways to ”pause” this push. They have been on social security for years. They borrow $ from time to time to make ends meet.
Their social network is small. It consists of me, my sibling and around three other persons they communicate with. It's kinda obvious and sometimes evident they analyze snippets of information they get from our everyday life. They often make false deductions about us which is annoying.
At least one of their children has special needs, but they are both very energetic and loud. It can get quite chaotic in their house from them alone. They scream, cry, laugh, and shout. They crave constant attention from Lori, less so from Brandon. This can spawn conflicts between anyone of them and raise the average dB to unhealthy levels. It is super exhausting for me and my family when visiting.
It is not ALL bad when interacting with them. I get to have a sister-relationship with Lori and I like being with her and her kids. I like bringing little gifts to them as they don't have a lot of money or get gifts from the rest of the family. And I have great talks with Brandon as well at time to time.
As aforementioned, BIG fights will happen between Brandon and Lori every four months or so. Often because of how Lori is sick of Brandons shit. At least one time I know of, Brandon has broken Loris things. While Brandon has never physically hurt Lori, he has put himself between Lori and the room's exit making it impossible for Lori move around him or leave. Lori will went to me or our sibling. I can only listen and be there for Lori, but often wish I could do more. It feels somewhat terrible to write out but... sometimes I wish for Brandon to be struck by lightning or die from a random natural cause I think it would be alleviating for Lori.
Apart from that Brandon is subjecting Lori to psychological violence. It doesn't come as a surprise to me because I know what least harassment Brandon is capable of. My partner thinks Lori is afraid of ending things with Brandon because she alone knows exactly what Brandon is capable of. And because she would have to have the spare energy to take care of the kids extra.
About two weeks ago they brought up some minor family related stuff in our group chat consisting of me, my sibling and Lori. That was enough to stress me out and spike my adrenaline. I couldn't think or relax for half an hour. My partner had to still my guts and take me outside for a walk with our little one. He told me it looked a text-book panic attack.
Partner (+ our child)
My partner understands what the situation is but wasn’t in my life when Lori and Brandon went no contact or the stressful year of harassment.
My partner got fed up with Brandon when he saw the texts (I saved every message from the time when they harassed me.
He has suggested I could break contact with them (but keep a door open for Lori + kids) to spare myself, him and our daughter from future potential harassment and exhaustion. But ultimately says the choice is mine to take.
Partner doesn’t really like for our child to be present in their chaotic environment, where sudden out-lashes may happen, now that he knows what they’ve done to me in the past.
Partner does not want our child to be exposed to their harassment or their conflict with our family.
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How I feel and think
Now, all of this makes it feels like I am being pulled by the bad times in the past on one end. In the other end I feel pulled by the need to be there for my sister and her children. And keeping status quo. Status quo = I/we meet them, but it's on their terms as to not upset them so we keep a low profile. Both me and my partner do not to our full selves at their house and I know we both are selective about what I tell them because we're afraid that what we say will be used against us (mainly by Brandon).
I realize there will come a day where either
• my partner will become too fed up with Brandon while we are visiting and things will get dramatic or,
• My child will see/hear things that aren't appropriate or harassing.
I feel like I manage this somehow. But it's hard because I get scared because I know what kind of oppression follows and bonds that might break. I am afraid to not be able to interact with my sister.
I welcome your views on how you would act and think in such a situation.
