Dear Annie: I’m in a long-distance relationship where I’m the only one doing the traveling cleveland.com
* This article was originally published here
Saturday, January 7, 2023
Friday, January 6, 2023
Is it okay to have "conditions to be fulfilled" in a romantic relationship?
31, F, in an LDR with 30, M since a year almost. We live in India. He dropped out of college and has been trying to establish himself in the food business with limited success. I'm a doctor with 2 degrees, looking to earn my 3rd. Our qualification and career mismatch, his slight lack of refinement and imperfect command of English were reasons that made me hesitate to get into a relationship in the beginning, otherwise we had very similar minds, hearts, views and long term goals. I told him about my hang ups- he promised to work on getting a remote career and a degree or 2 before we can "get serious"- officially tell our families etc. The dating pool and open minded people are non existent where we live before you berate us for contemplating a seemingly incompatible pairing. I was hesitant the first few months- we live 3 hours apart by road, get to see each other approx once in 2 weeks and don't have many common hobbies or interests to make a lot of solid conversation besides playful stuff.
At 3 months of dating I fell sick once when he was visiting, he took a day off and stayed to look after me and that made me realize that the way he cares for me is far more valuable in a partner and cannot be easily found and I committed to him mentally. It's been a fun year with many good memories made together but I've been a bit scared to grow and pursue my goals in the fear of leaving him behind. He is my closest friend and confidante. We are each other's best friends- two sensitive introverts who've opened up to each other.
I've determined to be more disciplined this year and I already see a difference. He has again agreed to recommit to finding a remote career and achieve financial stability so that we can "go forward". I DO NOT want to end up being the sole/ major bread winner in this relationship. We both are spendthrift and enjoy good things- so without good careers we'll soon end up in the streets. The expectation to have a better career and education seem reasonable on the surface- but is it too much to ask of him or unfair to him? I'm starting to feel "reality biting" coz he hasn't been motivated to do much this past year. A deadline was set- within this year, if no progress is made, likely to break up in 2024.
Tl;dr: I suddenly feel like a bad person coz maybe my love is conditional. I don't know!!
Wise counsel please?
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* This article was originally published here
Thursday, January 5, 2023
Is this waitress (F) flirting with me who is a semi-regular (M20) at a bar?
Now before everyone says “of course she’s flirting with you for tips!”, hear out my predicament. Throwaway account because some people know my main real Reddit account.
About a year ago I (M20) become this semi-regular at this local pub very very close to my home, most of the waitresses there know me and don’t even check my ID (I’m in Canada, BC where you have to be 19 to drink) when I go there.
This waitress F-20s who served me a few times served me a few times as per usual, nothing unusual at all. But eventually I got busy with school and work and didn’t really go there as often, however whenever I did manage to go there one time and inevitably got another waitress, this particular waitress in question would always find some time to come to greet me, even though I could clearly see she was busy (like I mean the bar was PACKED).
Anyway only a few months ago one time, I find some time to squeeze into the bar and the waitress served me. At one point, she came up to me and told me her name and then asked for mine. Obviously I gave her my name, but then she shook my hand. Okay, kinda weird but whatever. I humor her with the handshake and tip her the usual amount.
Tonight I manage to squeeze in more time to the bar (I’ve been busy with more school and work) and the waitress (who isn’t even serving me, it’s a different waitress), comes up to me and asks how my New Year was. Again I humor her and tell her it was just a quiet boring New Year’s Eve. She then proceeds to tell me how her New Year’s was. After the brief quick exchange, she places her hand on my bicep (I’m wearing a leather jacket and I’m not even particularly “big” / muscular at all).
Now sure, she’s attractive but I’m honestly not sure if she’s just being friendly because I’m a regular and she’s familiar with me or if she’s just being flirty because that’s just who she is.
TL;DR: waitress is being very friendly, more then her job actually requires (ie tips) and even when when she’s not serving me.
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* This article was originally published here
Wednesday, January 4, 2023
My (34M) wife (34F) yelled at me at my in-laws
Crossposting this here to seek advice on my situation:
Hi,
So I have been staying at my in-laws for the holidays with my wife of 9 years and my 18 month old kid. We packed in a hurry for the visit and I forgot to keep her work laptop charger (I did keep her work laptop). She had asked me to pack our work stuff while she was packing other stuff. We both work remotely and today was our first day back at work. She completely freaked out today when we couldn't find her charger this morning and yelled at me in front of her brother (and other relatives who were upstairs but within earshot). I accepted my mistake and tried calming her down but her rant went on for several minutes. I whispered her to please not make a scene in front of her family but it was no use. I tried hooking up my Macbook charger to her laptop (which also had a USB C power input) and it worked which finally diffused the situation. Later on when we were alone I calmly tried to reason with her that it was not right to bash me in front of everybody and that it was honest mistake and that I should have been more mindful but it did not warrant such a response. She continued her rant and said her reaction was completely justified and that she had a meeting which she had to miss. We haven't had a chance to speak about this again since we've been busy with the baby and other stuff happening around here but I'm kind of sad and upset about what happened (although I'm not showing it).
There's a lot of other similar stuff that has been happening in our relationship lately which has me super worried but I'll leave that for later posts.
Would appreciate your thoughts on the situation.
TLDR: Wife of 9 years yelled at me at my in-laws, within earshot of others, for forgetting to pack her work laptop charger.
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* This article was originally published here
Tuesday, January 3, 2023
Should I stay friends with this person?
While it might have been a friendship in the beginning, it has turned into tolerating her existence for the sake of entertainment.
I [30F] met this girl [27F] a few years ago and we quickly formed a connection. We shared a common interest and she seemed friendly and approachable, always with a big smile on her face. Not gonna lie, we have had some good memories together.
Time has shown that there was nothing but vapidity behind that Hollywood smile. She's the laziest, most entitled person I've ever met, but I have never even insinuated that in front of her. Found her first real job at 27 (saying real because she did some light manual labor for around a week before that) and was spending her parent's money while cosplaying as a student. She has officially been a student for a long, long time, with no diploma in sight. And her failure has never been her fault. Either the exams were extremely hard or the professor hated her. She would try to convince me that she had actually been studying hard for the exam, just to give up and not show up. Apparently taking accountability wasn't one of the classes. I know she's full of shit because I graduated from the same Uni in my early twenties while maintaining a few part-time jobs and having a beyond messed up situation at home. Meanwhile, she did absolutely nothing with her life, aside from watching anime and mooching off her parents and friends. Just to make it perfectly clear, she didn't have trouble finding a job; she didn't even try.
My husband and I always paid for her food and drinks, without complaining. Her way of showing gratitude was very peculiar. So, we are not doing very well financially right now and she started working a few months ago. One of the first things she said upon arriving to our house party the other day was: "Look at this poverty! You're rolling your own cigarettes!" I'm not anyone's doormat, but I pick my battles because confrontation exhausts me. Basically, if I value you, you will know how I feel. If I don't really respect you, I will let it slide because your opinion is irrelevant. This doesn't apply to random strangers being rude to me or my loved ones, then I have no problem arguing or even getting in a physical altercation. My stance is that making fun of someone's poverty or looks is hitting the rock bottom and an undeniable proof of moral destitution.
It became obvious to me that this girl was deeply unsatisfied with her life and therefore tried to boost her self-esteem by putting others down and sabotaging them. I like bragging about my little sister because she is a prodigy in her field and my friend responded very condescendingly: "Well, at least you have a bachelor's degree." The same bachelor's degree she's been "trying" to obtain for the past 8 years. When I was trying to quit smoking, she kept convincing me that I wouldn't be able to do it. I did continue smoking, but what is more important: you getting some weird, borderline sadistic satisfaction from predicting the future or supporting your friend in making a positive change? When I decided to pursue a Master's degree because I wanted to have another purpose in life aside from work, she said the stupidest thing I've ever heard: "There are much better ways to spend your time". When I informed her I started dating someone online, while revealing nothing or very little, she violently expressed her view that it was delusional and doomed to fail. That man became my husband.
I believe there are more failures than successes in an average person's life. Sometimes there is only one way to succeed and a million ways to fail. If you randomly guess "fail", that will most likely be the correct answer, but statistics doesn't make you wise. She is one of those people who proudly say "I told you so", even when she hasn't backed up her opinion with a coherent explanation.
I think she finds great joy in her more successful friends being degraded. Petty stuff, but here it is. We were out and I was dressed pretty gym-y because I was in the middle of moving and had almost no clothes at my current place. She gave me a t-shirt, that was nice. Two older men approached us and the one I had the pleasure to talk to had some nasty remarks about my looks, commenting on the way I was dressed and touching my stomach. I removed myself from the situation asap. She said nothing, but continued to flirt with the other grandpa she clearly wasn't interested in. Once we were on Omegle and the random stranger we were talking to told me something like: "Shut up, I wanna talk to your pretty friend". She took that as a compliment and laughed. Yet, when another random Omegler insulted her (possibly something about her looking way older), I lost my shit and yelled at the guy.
She is also an incredibly terrible listener, but can talk your ear off. Once I was sharing a secret I'd kept from her for years because it was kind of a touchy subject, when she cut me off and started talking about something random. I would say her emotional and social intelligence are extremely low. She also doesn't know how to choose her audience and introduce the other person to her passion (anime). I don't watch it, but she talks about it like I'm an expert, going into specific details, quoting characters in Japanese, which I don't understand. Even my other friend, who also loves anime, was confused and uncomfortable talking to her. The other friend was also telling me about anime, but in a very mature way, letting me actually relate to some topics and compare them to shows I watch. I was able to have a conversation and develop some curiosity, instead of listening to a half an hour podcast.
It's almost impossible to have a deep conversation with her due to her superficiality and lack of understanding. She's very quick to dismiss someone's feelings and even quicker to give unsolicited advice, which is kinda funny because she hasn't struggled a day in her life and has a very limited experience with relationships. I don't think she's intellectually disabled, but definitely emotionally stunted, as if she hasn't aged a day past high school. Add some maliciousness stemming from insecurities to the mix and you get the whole picture.
tl;dr A grown friend is acting disrespectful and immature
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* This article was originally published here
Monday, January 2, 2023
My (30f) late husband (42m) passed away 2 months ago, I found a man(36m) who is really into me but I feel guilty.. am I wrong for finding a partner so soon?
(30f) met my husband (42m) in April 2019....within 7 months we started dating, made it official, got engaged and got married. It was a beautiful love at first sight kind of story. I knew I would marry him the second I laid eyes on him. Everything we did for each other, and our ridiculously passionate relationship made me feel like he was the only one I could ever love. We had so much love for each other. Which was rare for him because he was your typical "badboy' who did not often reveal his emotions. Now while our relationship was amazing.. it was also filled with traumatic periods of time. We had met in a recovery home he was an addict for 20 years or so and I was for 5 years. So unfortunately relapse was part of our story and ultimately our downfall.
I have so many conflicted emotions when it comes to my late husband.. I feel sadness that he passed away, anger that he left me, that also appreciation for the time I had with him and thankfulness that I got to meet him and feel a love I never felt before. I will never regret our story. My husband passed on Halloween this past year 2022. I feel like it destroyed me. I'm still broken. The pain I feel in my heart about losing him is the most intense and depressing feeling I have ever felt. And I have gone through a lot in my lifetime. So I wanted a little distraction, and someone to touch to get that intimacy and attention I had with my husband. I went on a dating site mid-December and within 30 minutes of downloading it I had a bunch of messages but one man (36m) stuck out to me. He is an extremely attractive man, and very good at communication so we talked on the phone and texted a lot. I knew I just wanted him as a distraction so used his looks as the basis for our connection. I didn't feel anything from him because I am still deeply in love with my husband, but as me and this new man talked I started realizing he is a man who would be good for me. He gives good advice, seems honest, and best part he's not an addict, but he is willing to help me along my recovery. These are amazing qualities that really would be good for me. So two weeks later brings us to today and now I am holding a lot of guilt towards the situation. Before it was a superficial attraction that I didn't think anything of besides the fact that I knew people would judge me, and when I met my husband, there was an instant bond that I knew was going to go far, I didn't necessarily get that with this new man right away but now I'm starting to actually have feelings for him. When feeling started popping up the realization that this could go somewhere started making me feel like I should back away. I feel bad that I'm allowing another man in, I feel bad that I keep comparing him to the man of my dreams( my late husband), and feel like I'm letting down my husband and his family. I feel like it's very soon and my emotions are going back and forth. Part of me wants to see where this can go, yet the other half of me feels like I'm a bad person for finding someone so soon. I just wonder what I should do.. should I take a step back?? Maybe try to take it slow even though we'd have to go backwards because we're ready further than intended?? I just really don't know what to do or what to feel..
TL;DR: I had an intense connection with my late husband who passed away two months ago. I recently met a new man who I didn't feel that intense connection with right away I just felt lust. Now I'm starting to actually have real feelings for him and it is terrifying me and causing me so much guilt. I know it's normal to have all these feelings but how do I manage them? Am I a bogus person for going for a new man only a few months after he passed? I feel so bad and conflicted....
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* This article was originally published here
Sunday, January 1, 2023
When those closest to me (friends and family), feel inclined to hurt me?
My father gaslights me ever since I stopped agreeing with him about everything, since about 2 years now (60M).
My mother doesn't find me interesting, after a while in her company she starts mocking me to others and disrespecting me/ shouting at me in public (57F).
Since getting married my brother (31 M) has dumped me and replaced me with our female cousin (28F) and her family who is at the same stage of life (married with children), and also with his wife's sister (24F). When I turned up at said cousins baby's party, SIL (27F) and her mum were already at the venue helping with prep. When she saw me SIL looked away and her mum asked if she knew I was coming - to my own cousins event? Also at my cousins party was SILs brother's best friend and his family, it was not an intimate invite only affair, so how can he be present while SILs mother asks such a question about me? My brother saw me but kept his distance at the party. When brother was newly married with his wife I tried to show love and care for the 18 months they lived in our family home to foster some tradition. I'd cook for everyone when I was preparing stuff, they'd only cook for themselves. I'd make a full English breakfast for everyone very Saturday morning, even if I wasn't making it for myself. I'd get gifts on their birthdays. I never got anything back but I know she is from a gift giving family. I constantly got the cold shoulder, on a family beach trip I greeted her and she ignored me along with her sister. Even younger brother (28M) noticed and he's a man who isn't too caught up in women's dynamics he said they're unfriendly. The following morning I asked SIL about it that is everything ok because I felt she was cold to me the day before, she cried to my brother and I was the bad guy.
My other brother (28M) briefly mentioned above screams and shouts at me for bothering him by repeatedly asking what he would like to eat so I can plan cooking. I just had to stop doing stuff for him as I'd do stuff for both of us but he'd do stuff for himself. I would cook for us, he'd get takeaway for himself and never offer me. I'd cook for us, he'd visit a cousin and get pizzas in. And the day he shouted at me screaming and following me up and down the house that I'd caused him to lose momentum on something he was working on because I kept asking about what to buy for what meals (he WFH) I just went numb and realised that I would never be appreciated.
Friends - flirting with my boyfriends, trying to sleep with people who showed an interest in me when I was single. Gossiping to men that they were better than me. One Swedish friend 10 years older and into black guys keeps me as the ugly friend. I know this as she said she watches a YouTube series about finding black love and black men don't want black women. That they want women like her.
Single 6.5 years. I'm black, work in life sciences, Christian, in shape, waiting until marriage for sex. I wouldn't say I'm stunning but it's not unusual to catch someone staring at me so I know I'm at least attractive.
I try to go out once a day, sit in coffee shops, having quality time to myself or working so I'm not always in doors. This is a new habit after spending 18 months as a recluse and relying completely on online dating which did not work out. But no one is folllowing up to approach me. Because of toxic dynamic between my parents (my father ignores and belittles my mother, cheats, I have never seen him hold her hand or willingly protect her. On the contrary he takes every opportunity to shoot her down to children - and for a while I'm ashamed to say he succeeded in getting us to disrespect and mock her. I've never seen them kiss in their whole marriage) took me a while to understand what a healthy relationship looks like ,because of this and now at 32 I feel it's too late, will I have a family of my own? What if I meet someone and he turns against me once we're settled?. What if I don't meet anyone, when for the last 15 years all I've spoken of and my hopes have been around having a loving and supportive family of my own? How embarrassing. I cried to my mother about feeling lonely. She asked how do I think she feels, everyone else's daughter is getting married and I'm not. On several occasions friends of my brothers have expressed surprise- they didn't even know they had a sister. I feel like I have no real connections and I'm not cherished or valued by anyone. I'm single when everyone knows I don't want to be. And those closest to me do not like me. Online dating yields nothing. I'm really hurting emotionally.
Tl;dr - I feel so hurt by the people in my life, at 32 I'm still in the same state as I was 6 years ago hen I was dumped by a guy I know didn't love me and had wandering eyes. But I want to have a fresh start, have a healthy dynamic with those closest to me. I also want a family of my own, how do I fix up actively so another 6 years of no progress is avoided and I can have the family I long for.
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* This article was originally published here
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