My (30M) gf (33F) is very insecure and I don't know how to save the relationship or if it's even possible

We've been together for almost 2 years and we have lived together for most of that time. Things moved really fast at the start. Despite being 30, it's my first relationship and I had no idea what's normal, expected, etc.

She has a lot of mental health trouble. She has PTSD from people in her life dying (said by her psychologist, not self diagnosed). She also has abandonment issues from when she was a kid and treated very badly by her parents. this leads to a lot of insecurity and jealousy.

Now, I am not a perfect person or bf by any means. In particular there are two main things that hurt my gf that I did. I watched porn and after a few months that we had a terrible discussion about it I caved in and watched it again. I don't think there's anything wrong with porn and the first time I could say we didn't have a discussion about it and didn't know, but the second time I knew it was not ok for her and still couldn't stop myself and it makes me very ashamed. I also confessed to her that I sometimes have thoughts about other women when thinking of sex. I confessed all these things to her myself, she didn't discover me. And I made sure to try and explain that they were only fantasies and I NEVER intended and never intend to have sex with another woman or anything of the sort.

So while you keep my failings in mind, I want to point out that many of the things below started before any of that even happened, so it's not just a kneejerk reaction to what I did.

She wants to spend every second together (even being in the same room but doing different things is not good enough for her, we have to be constantly interacting or doing something together at all times), doesn't want me to see people alone both because she doesn't want to spend time apart but also because she has to "control that I'm being proper" and I risk interacting with other girls without her being able to check on me. She doesn't want me to have female friends and interactions. She reads all messages from my phone. If she can't be there (mostly just when I am at work) and I am seeing someone, she wants real time accounts of exactly who I am talking with and what we are saying. When outside, she will randomly accusing me of looking at women all the time, most of the time I don't even know which woman she is referring to. It makes me feel very suffocated. Sometimes I PHYSICALLY feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe.

So while I am not without fault, I feel like her requests and behaviour are over the line and my actions only gave justification to things she wanted or needed to have either way. And as I stated, they started before any of that even happened. I struggle with setting boundaries and she is very hard to set boundaries with. I have no idea how to approach a conversation about the subject. Every time I try she brings up the episodes above and she automatically wins.

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tl;dr

gf doesn't trust me partly because of things I did, but partly because of her mental health issues and makes unreasonable requests that I have been accepting because I feel guilty and I have no idea how to change it or if it's even possible

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Did my friend betray me?

Tldr: I asked my best friend to cut ties with her group of friends who have hurt me badly. She refused.

So to cut to the chase, there is this girl(Let's call her Sara) who I am really close friends with. We have known each other for a long time and in these times I had also developed feelings for her. After I communicated my feelings for her, I got friend zoned by her, took some time off and then became her good friend again. After that I felt really happy how this situation had turned out. All in all, at this point I considered her someone who I can trust a lot with almost anything. I had always helped her when she needed something and I knew I could rely on her for the same.

Anyways now here is what had happened. In our college mess, she, I, and a group of our mutual friends were having lunch. This other girl( let's call her Tricia) who was sitting next to me was also 'friends' with me for 6 years. (Emphasis on the friends part).

Anyways, in campus it is not common for guys and girls who are in a platonic relationship to often have some physical contact. I have seen Tricia have such contact with guys she deemed close friends. Having known her for 6 years and she having been really close to my family at one point I thought that she would also be ok with me having some physical contact with her.

I jokingly pocked her cheeks and she got uncomfortable. Then even after I apologized countless times she and her group of friends began to shout at me in front of everyone and called me a sexual harasser. All eyes of the entire lunch table were on me. I was humiliated to the core.

After that, I was pissed at them. I wanted to take some action against them for deliberately trying to hamper my image on campus but that is a different story.

Anyways, later I asked Sara to break all ties with Tricia and her group of friends who were all in on this bullying. Sara is also somewhat friends with that group.

She replied me on text saying that 'I can' t force her to act upon my will.' and that she 'has her won descretion.' She also said things like 'how her talking to them matters to me?'

I told her that I would have done the same for her if she was in my position and later asked her if she was still their friends. She hasn't replied to my last text but I am wondering if this was the right thing to ask.

Thoughts?

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My girlfriend (24) and I(25)

met in early October and began dating since then. We have been having a really good time together and she had mentioned how she wanted to take everything really slow which I told her I respect. However I had mentioned that I tend to move a little faster than the pace she would like to which she also understood. So after 3 months of dating I decided to pop the question and we made it official. She said she would’ve liked for me to wait a month or 2 more before but it worked out. So a month into being official, I told her that I felt the “three words”(I love you). I didn’t say it but I said it without saying it. I went with that approach because I don’t want to say the words until I know she’ll say it back. I knew she wasn’t going to say it back because she wanted to move slower but I decided to say it because in all honesty it is what I felt. She looked at me funny and I knew I kind of triggered her and she said that I’m moving to fast. She said it’s completely fine but I know it’s kind of not. We’re on good terms but it made me feel like a weirdo for saying it within that time frame. So my question is, do you think I said way too soon?

TLDR: Dated for 3 months before making it official. Have been official for a month and I said “I love you” kinda. Was it too soon?

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Why women don't meet me? (32m)

For the last month, I have been chasing women in various places, mostly online. My ultimate intention is to find a woman for committed long term relationship. But I am open to short, non committed.

In one conversation, I had convinced a woman to meet me. During a meeting, she didn't even disclose her age. And what she looks for from a man. I am sure a (38f) has idea about this case. (I estimated her age as she mentions the year she was studying in the university.) We basically talked some politics and she left earlier. We were supposed to walk in a big park. Then case closed never to meet again.

Another case... I met this lady from a speed dating event. We had some common interests, common ideas on life.. After chatting for a few days, we agreed to meet up on Thursday. Suddenly, on Wednesday, she got sick. And for the following weeks, she had an overwhelming work. She never met me.

Another case... One lady was coming from a small town to my city nearly every week. She was staying with (genderless) friend's flat on Saturdays. Possibly this friend is somehow like a boyfriend. Since I have none, I would take this chance. Anyways... She agreed to meet me on Sunday and I was supposed to take her to bus station till 7 PM. I agreed and made a plan. She didn't answered my messages till Friday. And she didn't even gave me an excuse for not coming. She just didn't come. I wasn't there to wait her too.

I will cut short. After having some conversations, i asked another lady's number. Her answer was... I'm not ready for relationship. I'm in such situation... Jeeezzz. I didn't ask your p.ssy. Just a phone number. I will be wise not to disturb you. Otherwise it takes just 10 seconds to block someone. Another one dont even share her number after first date. Who said first meeting would be a date?.. And several other small chats that leads nowhere.

I question myself on this issue. Am I the problem? Or is this the market? How to get myself out of this situation?

TL;DR! Women don't meet me. Am I the problem? Or the whole market is the problem? How to get out of this situation?

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[25M][23F] (2 months) My girlfriend wants to “keep things simple”, whereas I enjoy deeper conversations. How do we find a healthy middle?

I often like to have conversations with my girlfriend about many things I find important. I also ask her to give me eye-contact during those moments, which I think is basic respect. She says she is able to listen to me intently even without eye-contact, and doesn’t understand that I feel it is a matter of respect to be fully engaged during conversations I feel are important, or at least first assess whether a topic could be considered “important” from both sides.

My girlfriend, however, says that she likes to “keep things simple” sometimes, and that my thoughts/deep conversations can come across as tiring to her.

Yesterday, we were talking about things over food, and I started the topic of what exactly makes people comfortable, and where those feelings come from, being a psychology nerd. This caused my girlfriend to react in an almost scared way, as she shut-down the conversation and said she didn’t want to talk about this topic because she was “worried it will end up in a disagreement again”.

Today, she told me that she actually feels tired oftentimes because my deep conversations overload her mentally. I understand that she is currently doing her masters degree and applying for PhD programmes, so perhaps that is a factor why she sometimes needs intellectual downtime!

She said that the crux of why she finds this difficult to handle is because usually, it is when I reiterate things I talked about before, that even after she would say “I agree” or “I disagree”, I still go on about this topic. Of course, me loving her, I want to know her perspective, rather than just a blanket “agree” or “disagree”.

I told her today to let me know when she isn’t feeling up for a deep conversation, and to also point out when I ruminate as I have ADHD. Perhaps, and ADHD brain can be very taxing on a partner, so maybe that’s an issue?

How do I help my girlfriend be less scared of talking about deeper topics without adding too much pressure? I proposed that she tell me when it’s a bad time, and that we rather talk about it later when she’s more up for it. Her response was that it’s not an optimal solution, as we would still need to talk about whatever topic is on my mind. I see it as her disregarding the thoughts I find important. She does agree though that “sometimes, deep conversations are important”.

I see two ways forward here: Either, we work on this and find a balanced middle, or I tell her that my intellectual needs aren’t being met and move on to someone else. It’s only been two months, so that’s also an option in my book.

What are your thoughts?

TL;DR: Girlfriend feels tired of too many deep conversations. Looking for a way forward to compromise. Considering breaking up gracefully if it is too serious of an issue to handle.

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* This article was originally published here

I (30M) told my partner (26F) I don't know how I feel about her past

I (30M) need advice, I feel like I've been completely unfair towards my partner (26F) due to my honesty.

We've only been together for almost half a year now, things got serious rather quickly and we now live together, have done for just over a month.

About two weeks my partner decided she'd like to tell me about her past, she was a webcam model for 2 years. Initially my reaction was just.. oh cool and I had some questions she was happy to answer.

Then it started to play on my mind a lot, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression which isn't helping me process all of this.

We had a discussion last night after I was honest and said I'm still not sure how I feel about it.

She asked me is it something you would break up with me for? My honest answer right then was, I don't know. She started to cry and told me the thought of us splitting up made her feel like a little part of her inside had died, it broke my heart, I was upset at this too as I never want to hurt her.

Was it wrong of me to be honest and say I don't know? I understand now that she must feel like she's on a piece of rope that could snap at anytime. I've had last night and all night to think about it and its definitely not something I want to break up over and I would like to deal with it so it doesn't become an issue again. I've told her this but I'm afraid the damage is already done.

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TL:DR: My partner was a webcam model, she asked if its something I would end the relationship over. I said I don't know.

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Boyfriend’s friend/ex won’t leave him alone

My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 7 years, solidly back on for over 2 years and have lived together for a year. We’re in a very serious place and other than the below, we’re very happy.

Approx 4 years ago (when him and I were ‘on’) I met his new female friend and immediately felt uncomfortable with their relationship. She greeted me by saying she knew specific intimate details about mine and my boyfriends sex life and was generally flirty around him. They also spent a huge amount of time together, more than he spent with me. He knew I felt uncomfortable about it and along with other reasons, we ultimately broke up. Shortly afterwards, he slept with her.

When we got back together he admitted he’d slept with her once, they remained friends but he knew if things were going to work with me then she couldn’t be a part of our lives anymore and he cut her off. It was his choice but I’m relieved as being honest I don’t think I could have had coped with her being around.

Now over the last couple of years, she messages him every couple of months. He’s shown me the messages and he doesn’t reply but she continues to message along the lines of she misses him. A couple of months ago it still wouldn’t stop so he blocked her number. She’s now started reaching out on Facebook instead.

Any advice on what to do? It’s been years and she still won’t leave him alone and it’s wearing me down.

He’s suggested sending her a message requesting her to stop but I don’t really want to open a dialogue with her.

TL;DR boyfriend cut off his female friend who he slept with once during one of our breaks. She’s messaged constantly, he’s blocked her so she’s now reaching out on social media

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* This article was originally published here