Long story short we've been together for a little bit more than a year and she just (a week ago) realized that she has never felt loved/desired and I don't love her, I don't feel passionate towards her. Now she has given up on me, doesn't believe a thing I say, and more importantly has stopped walking naked in front of me after the shower/while changing and doesn't feel comfortable hugging, kissing or having sex at all anymore since last week. She says she's not comfortable touching me anymore and has given up on all of that.
She's a person I value more than my own life. I do and would do everything for her. If she needs anything I feel genuinely good to help her out. Before we lived 50km apart, I with my parents, she in the dorm, she's an international student and comes from a different continent. I moved to the city where she studies, and pay bills together. I have always delayed and put my own things aside for her, my work, my bodybuilding, everything. I was extremely depressed before getting to know her and she had saved me. She filled a giant hole on my body that I couldn't fill in by anything. I will not spend a day without her on this planet. We've talked about the future a lot, kids, pets, the house, everything. I take care of our pet, take care of the dishes most of the time and same goes for cleaning the apartment. I make breakfast, and dinner mostly too. I take care of the groceries because of her being so busy with studies and honestly also pay for 95% of things (I don't mind that, I always praised my money as "our" money and that we both can spend the income I get. Even encouraged her to get and save money for herself and things she wants, while I wear the same pair of shoes/sneakers from summer to winter until the sole wears off and I can feel the ground I'm walking on).
I am an anxious person/attachment style, she's an Avoidant. I feel anxious whenever I feel like she's in a bad mood and always want to help, to the point where it's annoying, she frequently shuts down, ignores me, stonewalls and is insulting me. We live together for 8 months already. She doesn't like deep or even relatively deep conversations and just picks up the phone while talking to me to browse Instagram reels. 95% of the time serious conversations become arguments, her heating up, saying "you never", "you always", her slamming the bathroom door, to the point where it has somewhat traumatized me and have made me feel like I'm alone with my emotions, my anxiety and my needs, I can't say no, I have to agree with everything or it's gonna be 3 days of silence, stonewalling and her independence shooting up - not letting me help with anything, wants to do everything alone, doesn't text me while at university (she's still studying, I'm done with studies and work from home) and other similar things. I've become traumatized where I go to the bathroom, kitchen and cry while washing the dishes, weep at home on the floor after dropping her off at university every morning. I've learned to treat her as carefully as I can not to suffer anxiety from not talking/having several bad days in a row because she gets angry. I have to admit I've started to control my anxiety because of reading about attachment styles, and have told her about it too. She doesn't seem to do much about her childhood traumas and her being so avoidant.
I'm her first boyfriend, she's my first girlfriend. She's my first sex partner, while she has had +-20 partners because of a heartbreak that made her feel undesirable and then she went rogue to "show him" how undesirable she is.
Here's what she has said/have never made her feel desired because:
1.She doesn't like being asked permission for kissing, hugging, having sex. She wants to be kissed randomly, hugged from the back spontaneously and "bent over the bed and just fucked and dominated". I have "never" kissed, hugged or had her randomly picked up and fucked. (My response has been that I have been randomly kissing her, hugging her while she washes the dishes, but have been lacking with dominant sex as my sex "language" has always been passionate, slow, kiss full sex. Her's is borderline r@p3 (as she's asked me to try that one day on her). I have feared rejection not only about sex, but also hugs and kisses because I'm afraid to make her angry and make her shut down for days which makes my head think I'll loose her, make the relationship bad. She has repeatedly pushed me away and rejected my hugs and kisses while angry so I learned it's not something I should do and just give her time to rest, cool off)
1.1 I never solve arguments by just coming to her and just hugging her. I always want to talk instead. "some things are not fixed by talking". (I've done all of that, been swatted, or pushed away, and learned a lesson not to do it anymore because it makes matters worse, so why gamble if I should hug her and will it make her feel better in some universe, or I should ask her consent first instead)
2.I don't respect her boundaries - a)not getting her things when she's angry, like flowers or chocolate, b)and not pushing on conversations to her when she doesn't want to talk. (I don't get her things anymore after she told me not to, we had a conversation about it, but made a mistake of getting her flowers for the start of the new university semester starting just a day after our argument, she took it as "you are buying me, my feelings again and dont respect what I said". As for the conversation topic, she made a test if I could let an argument we have slide and not push her to it. I politely asked if she wants to talk about it, she said no, I asked if we can talk about my feelings then and what hurt me in that instance whilst keeping her side out. I'm a firm believer that communication is key and I still, despite being hurt over and over for showing my emotions, try and bring things up to clear resentment and have a better relationship. Unfortunately asking to talk about my feelings in this situation made her really angry, I broke her boundary/her test.)
Now we had a serious conversation, I of course apologized for everything because I feel like I had to, explained my point of view and was asking her about all the boundaries, what I can do to improve the situation. I apologized for being so careful with her and asking consent, I told her I have a different love language and just because I don't love her by always randomly kissing her, hugging her, I still ask as it's on my mind and I still want to. I gave her several new promises, told her I'll change some ways and not give up on her, our love. I won't stop trying. She says she's uncomfortable holding my hand even, we haven't touched each other for 4 days now, and so we can't even really go outside because she doesn't want people to think we're not together. She's given up, "we're going in circles" and I'm "either ignorant or just don't care about her". She said "be patient", "maybe we won't ever touch again", "do anything but respect my boundaries and don't touch me".
I have never been angry to this woman in my life, never raised a voice, a hand, have always been there for her when she's crying, have ran to the university when she forgot her pencils at home, make her fresh school lunch every day with a special note/joke inside to brighten up her day every day, I fix her bike the first thing I can when it breaks down alongside so many other things but I'm just not enough. I don't make her feel desired.
I will never leave this woman by myself, so please don't tell me to. Is there any advice, absolutely anything I can do to win her heart again?
Sexy time has always been a problem to us, my sex drive is 3x higher than hers. She hasn't been wanting to have sex for the last half a year and told me to "initiate it more, think of new positions, be more dominant", which I have done and she has admitted to me doing a good job at it.
Apart from singing to her whilst playing the guitar and asking her to be my valentine, I am not sure how to act now.
tl;dr girlfriend feels like im lying and i dont love her because of her feeling like i dont respect her boundaries - me being anxious and too careful with her, not initiating sex the way she wants me to and now is uncomfortable with physical touch, huggs, kisses. Breaking up is not an option, so what can i do?
