I (31M) feel I don't deserve my girlfriend (26F) and I wonder if I should let her go so she can have someone better.

My girlfriend and I were friends for a year until we got closer and hit it off a year after that. Eventually we got together, and she is everything I ever wanted in a woman. I feel this is the first time I've truly loved somebody and found the right person for me. She has said the same to me too.

But this has been gnawing at me for a while, which is the insecurity I feel with her a lot of times. First, my girlfriend has a day job, but she's also a beautiful singer and has a successful career performing and making her own music. She sings all different kinds of styles (like opera, rock, R&B) and she is genuinely great at them all. She comes from a nice family, she went to a nice college, her life is honestly amazing. Me: I'm a contractor, I had a rough upbringing, didn't go to college, I don't make that much...I know she loves me, but sometimes I don't get why she chose me, and it is very obvious when I am introduced and people learn what I do, they look confused as well. I feel totally out of place in her circles and her life and just our leagues in life.

And then we are an interracial relationship; my girlfriend is Black and I am a white man. There's no easy way to say this but I basically do not feel "cool" enough for her. My girlfriend sings R&B styles often which is a beautiful expression of Black culture but it does make me think of how she could easily choose a Black guy to be with, who understands that world and fits her personality and style better.

Now before this gets misconstrued, this is not some secret plot to get rid of my girlfriend because I actually want someone else (I've seen such accusations made before on Reddit.) I would love to stay with her, our emotional and mental and physical connection is amazing, I honestly don't want to leave her. I sometimes feel like an asshole for feeling this way because my girlfriend tells me almost everyday she loves me, she wants me, etc. but she doesn't know these internal feelings/doubts of mine.

TL;DR My girlfriend is out of my league and I feel a lot of insecurity for being with her. What can I do to alleviate these feelings or what do I need to learn?

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* This article was originally published here

Met an old flame. Boyfriend is deeply hurt.

TDLR: I met an old flame I went out with briefly 4 years ago, since I thought the past is in the past. My boyfriend was deeply hurt though.

My boyfriend (33) and I (26) have been together for over seven months and are very very much in love. Last week, I got a message from an old friend, who I went out with on two dates about four years ago. It's probably worth mentioning here that I kinda self-sabotaged the relationship with this guy because I was in a really bad and vulnerable place mentally. We had no real closure, but he still remained a good friend and stayed in touch with me, even after he left the country. Anyway, so when this friend texted, he said he was back in town for two days and invited me to a gathering of our old friend group. I was under the assumption that because we hadn't been anything in a really long time, and because I have no feelings left, it'd be okay to go and say hello. I was upfront with my boyfriend about this and while he wasn't thrilled about it, he didn't stop me from doing so. But when I did return from the meeting, my boyfriend seemed really cold, upset and distant, which he never is. And while he's usually really affectionate, this time he wasn't. His main pain point stems from the fact that he feels that my friend (the past flame) still harbours romantic feelings. I feel really sad and helpless. I had no intention whatsoever to hurt my boyfriend, but this feels terrible. He did mention that he loves me very much quite a few times, but that he doesn't know how to process/deal with thus pain. I'm utterly confused and hurt myself. Any advice would help. Thanks.

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I’ve been rejected by every person I’ve dated and I don’t know what to do.

I (22F) have had a laughably tragic dating life. I know I’m young, but I’ve dated many people and no one ever seems to want to commit to a relationship with me….

When I ask them, they never say that I’m the reason they don’t want to pursue something, it’s always something with them or the circumstances. For example:

1. My HS gf cheated on me with multiple ppl and was in love with her straight best friend

2. My first college fling: Talked to this one guy for 2 months, things seemed fine, then one day he cuts me off because he has a new girlfriend….

3. Talked to this slightly older one guy in college on and off for a couple years before giving him a chance. We went on dates, texted, he took my virginity, and things seemed good for a few months…then he ghosted me/my birthday plans and cut me off because he had just gotten into a long distance relationship…this one hurt quite a bit because we were friends for a couple years

4. Went through a series of short lived flings after this. This period lasted like…a year

5. Talk to this one guy exclusively for like 9 months. He said he wasn’t ready for a relationship with me yet but wanted to date me in the future. His reasoning was relationship anxiety and the fact that he was busy with his new job. He would get super passive aggressive if I brought up talking to other guys. Every time I tried to tell him I don’t think were compatible he’d get upset and change his behavior for like 2 weeks before reverting back. Never asked me to be his girlfriend but we were exclusive, went on dates, bought eachother gifts….yeah. It eventually fizzled out and I moved away.

6. (Present situation) About 3 months later I move to a new city and start talking to another guy. He wanted us to talk exclusively too because “he doesn’t compete”. I’m not used to being told this so early on but I apprehensively went with it. We went on dates, texted constantly, would have sleepovers, he would kiss me at my doorstep and get sad when I fell asleep before him….yesterday we had another date/sleepover and he kissed me and dropped me off. 10 minutes later he texts me that he doesn’t think we should be a thing because he’s going to be busy with school, working out, and work, doesn’t feel romance with me, but was also afraid of “simping” for me (his exact words). This only lasted a month but I’m pretty bummed. I feel blindsided but also embarrassed. I feel like im just not worth pursuing something with.

I want to fix myself but I don’t even know what’s wrong because no one will be real with me. On paper I feel like I seem interesting: I think I look fine (scroll through my profile to see what I look like), I have a good job (I do research at a prestigious hospital), I have hobbies that aren’t just media consumption (hiking, cooking, crocheting), and I’ve always been told I have a cute/funny personality by people. I started researching attachment theory and I keep getting anxious or avoidant attachment depending on the test. I’m trying to get into therapy but the waitlist I’m on is weeks long……idk what to do at this point

TLDR: no one I date, no matter their race or gender, seems to be interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I feel unlovable and want to fix myself but im unsure how to.

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* This article was originally published here

Am I being taken for granted?

Am I being taken for granted? If not, what is happening?

Ok ok this is really long but I dont know how to make it shorter I'm sorry

So to preface this, I wanna say the following examples are recent and stand alone. Otherwise he is totally doting and loving as he always has been and I feel I may be over reacting. Let me know.

So, my boyfriend (19M) and I (18F) are coming up on our one year anniversary. And he is and has been the absolute sweetest. However there have been a couple things lately that is starting to make me think he is beginning to take me for granted.

So for starters: The other night we were talking and I asked if he could pick me up from work and if we could hang out at his place after again (we have done this a couple times now) and he said yes.

Next day when I call after work, not only is he doing and errand but he made plans to call with a friend and play games with him when he gets back. I'm understanding, he is very forgetful and he hasn't seen/talked with this friend in months so ofc I say go for it. He promises me he'll call when he is done, should be 2 hours, and then he'll pick me up. This is around 4pm.

Around 6 I remember I have to deposit a check and ask him if when he is done he can give me a ride, since the bank is on the way to his house, and he agrees. 4 hours later I realized that my curfew (yes I'm 18 with a 10pm curfew I hate my mom too) is an hour away and he has yet to text me at all, so I ask my mom if she can take me to the bank as I needed this check deposited. She said she could at 9:30. At 10pm I text my bf that I did it with my mom, and that I was rather angry he didn't even text to say his call was lasting longer than usual and he couldn't be my ride. He apologized profusely, saying he lost track of time and he feels like an idiot.

Today was almost a breaking point for me. So for a lil background, he and I decided over Christmas to brew mead together this summer. (I know it's weird. We are weird) This has, from the start, been a bit of a power struggle. It is being kept at his house, we are using his kitchen and ingredients, and despite me doing majority of the research on how to do it, he seems to inherently veiw this as his project. The reason I say this is because I wanted to try a sip and he got upset, saying how he didn't want to taste it until it was done, that would ruin it for him, etc. Went so far as to say it was kept at his house, so his rules.

Needless to say that did NOT go over well with me. Anyway, so today he tells me racked it WITHOUT me and ended up tasting it!! I was absolutely livid, and he did apologize saying it was stupid to have yelled at me about wanting to taste it earlier.

Ok last one. So also today, when we were having spicy time and he was pleasuring me he suddenly started singing to himself, then said he needed to watch the music video for the song he was singing. I was upset but I let it slide. After we watched the video tho, we went back to cuddles and he didn't continue what he had been doing previously. I told him off about this, and he apologized, trying to make up for it but I wasn't in the mood.

✨TL;DR my bf forgot his promise to me one day, and next I learned he drank something he yelled at me for wanting to drink, and interrupted spicy time wanting to watch a music video✨

So, am I being taken for granted, or is he just being absent minded. If any of these were isolated I wouldn't see any problems, all of them are irritating but understandable. It's them all put together in such a short amount of time that makes me worried.

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* This article was originally published here

Me [38 M] with my GF [35 F] 8 months, difficult dating (dating single mother), trauma

Hello all, I (38, male) would love to get some feedback about my situation at the moment, I am not sure if leaving the relationship is my best option. I am dating the mother of an almost four year old girl. She has her over every other weekend. The relationship with her ex is very dramatic and a source of constant pain. He lives next door still. He got something like a postnatal depression after their daughter was born and my GF had to raise her basically on her own for the first two years until she decided to seperate from him after fourteen years of relationship.

When I got to know her eight months ago she said that she has a respectful relationship with him. Over time it became very clear that he is very disrespectful actually and their realtionship a disaster. I got to know her daughter after three months and it was rocky at the beginning, but she accepted me at one point and became a very beautiful experience for me. I was keen also getting to know her before I had made a conscious decision being open dating women with children already. This is my first time with that. Our relationship started very slow and I was okay being patient at the beginning, but I was not sure (they seperated only 6 months before we met) if she was ready for something new actually, as I felt she would keep me at distance all the time and I had really fallen for her. I asked her if she is ready and said she thinks so, but then later after a few months admitted that she hasn't been for the first three months and now thinks she accepted me as her new partner.

Despite the growing relationtionship with her daughter I feel I am going in loops with her. I know that she has been victim to violence as a child and me I was not having the best childhood either but did a lot of therapy to work on communication, boundaries, openness about needs and feelings, vulnerability and those are the things I desperately miss in the relationship, which make an adult relationship rich for me. I also feel that she still holds me at a distance, doesn't really open up to me and I crave more physical closeness than she is giving.

When I start talking about my needs she kind of dismisses it by either saying that I am too negative and should focus on what I actually have or reacts hurt and withdraws refusing to talk to me which let to some really traumatic weekends, where I would try to be after her and talk to her, while she would only get angrier and louder. I feel open communication in a calm matter basically never happens or only after two days of intense conflicts.

I feel tired and worn out, I feel it would be hard to break up, basically with two people, but sometimes I think it would be the best option, then holding on for some hope. I think the relationship to her daughter should be based on a solid relationship between us and not the other way round. In the end I feel I need to compromise a lot and don't get what I would need in a relationship really.

Has someone been in a smiliar situation? Did you resolve it or is this relationship doomed?

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tl;dr: Fresh relationship with problems from the start, trauma, ex involved, dating a single mother

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* This article was originally published here

My wife (25f) and I (26m) have let family issues come between us

I’m posting this to hopefully get some clarity on the situations so I can do better.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We live in my home town where my family lives and she’s from a city an hour drive away. During the first year of marriage my wife and family did not get on well. My parents tried to get too involved in our marriage and tried to control things. One problem was that we spent the weekdays working and every weekend would go see my wife’s family. Others include making backwards requests, ignoring my wife, saying I do more for her than she does for me and that she has taken me away from my family and don't enough time with them.

I have been setting continues boundaries on issues that come up and might come up and have supported my wife. I have said that this is my partner, they need to respect her and that any decisions will be made between my wife and I. If they feel a certain way they can speak to me directly without upsetting my partner. I’m not a argumentative person and have done these talks quietly when the tension is low. It has taken my parents some time to understand that I don't need them to make decisions for me, all I need is their support. I have been trying to get the two to get along by getting them involved in functions, pointing out the positives and highlighting complements from each side. More importantly for me, I have been trying to make my wife feel better by listening, treating her, spending time with the people who she enjoys company with etc.

About a year ago however, there was a destructive argument between my family and my wife and her family. Everyone involved turned hysterical and extremely upsetting things were said in the heat of the moment. This included my wife slandering my family and banning them from our home, saying she is standing up for herself. At the time, I supported this, not having any contact with my family weeks and spending the time at home with my wife, doing all the things she enjoys.

I have grown up with the mentality that people argue, especially families, but at the end of the day we are able to let bygones be bygones and get together during important events. After a few weeks of silence my family and I started speaking again. We discussed what happened and I repeated my initial stance to let us live how we choose to live. They have since not been involved in any matter between my wife and I.

I understood it would take my wife longer to move past this and therefore for a year I have been going to see my family alone every one or two weeks. My wife and I both work from home so we spend the majority of time together. I have been going with her to to everything she has planned with family, friends, such as Birthdays, dinners etc and have been missing out on my own plans to not let her down. Over the course of this period I have been feeling down/upset/frustrated that when I ask her to accompany me with any sort of event that involves my family she denies, or gets hysterical as to how I can ask that of her. We've have been continuously arguing over this, and I eventually just stopped asking her.

My wife expressed that it upsets her that I continue to see my family, and have put everything in the past. She says it shows the lack of support I have for her and that she feels disrespected and alone in her battle. I have assured her that I wont let history repeat itself and that I will be there if anything were to happen. There have been a few occasions where paths cross between my family and people haven't said hello back to my wife, and younger teen siblings being distant and awkward. I realise this is wrong but given the events, I have said that it will take time to rebuild the relationship and that we should keep on trying to be civil. During arguments about such things I don't condone their behaviour but do try and explain how they are feeling and the reason for their actions. My wife has slowly evolved into becoming hysterical during these arguments, screaming, swearing and breaking things. She tells me everything that is wrong with me and that I have done nothing for her, she says she hates this marriage. If my wife has raised an issue about anyone's behaviour, I confront them and explain that they need to be better if they want to make it work. I realise that I have to work on being able to assess my wife's feelings and take action immediately, but I have not been confrontational and it isn't how I like to handle things.

My wife and I have become distant as we have let this come between us. We are trying to just focus on us and are seeking counselling. I am prepared to distance from my family once more but I am unable to shake the burning feeling inside me that she is not giving me the support that I give to her.

Am I being delusional about things getting better between the families? Is my support for my wife insufficient and therefore not deserving of the compromise and the same support back?

tl;dr: My wife feels unsupported as I have continued to work on my relationship with my family. I am trying to meet her expectation by my desire to live a life according morals and wants is letting me down.

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* This article was originally published here

My girlfriends intellect is ruining our relationship

TL;DR: My gf (22f) a third year at a state university seemingly lacks basic science, math, or literature and is on the verge of failing out. Not only that she has no motivation to improve herself or achieve any goals. She only says she wants to go to grad school but does nothing for it. She also claims to have no hobbies. All of this is really getting to me because I am head over heals in love with her and want a future with her. I am the exact opposite and I don’t know what to do, how do I approach this situation?

So I want to start of my saying I do not mean to sound condescending or be rude. I am in no way a genius or even “smart” but I feel like my gf is kind of dumb. It’s getting to the point that her intelligence is making me question our future.

My gf and I have been dating for about 6 months. I (22m) recently graduated with 2 bachelors degree and want to go to medical school, my gf (22f) on the other hand is still in school & on the verge of failing out. She says she wants to go to grad school but doesn’t understand how that is not realistic with her GPA. Knowing that she struggles in school I offer to help, which usually results in me doing it all for her. Overtime this cycle of me having to do her work after offering to help has gotten me frustrated. So I’ve been trying to not offer help or care about her school, but when I don’t offer to help she just doesn’t do the work leading to her failing. When I see that she isn’t going to do the assignment I end up doing it for her because I want her to do well in school and achieve her goals.

She struggles with even the most basic math like rounding, consistently making rounding mistakes. Not to mention she seems to have too ambition whatsoever. Like I mentioned before she says she wants to attend grad school but has taken no real steps that show she wants to. In fact we would have so many fights during the week leading up to her GRE, because I would beg her to study and she would say something along the lines of “don’t tell me what to do”. When she finally took the GRE she scored in the 2 percentile,and this score did not seem to bother her. She simply shook it off saying I’ll work harder, and then proceeded to get mad at me for asking her to take it more seriously and being disappointed in her score. She claimed that I was “not being supportive and making her feel stupid” because I asking her to take it seriously from now onwards.

To give some contexts on how I approach standardized exams: when I first took the MCAT I scored in the 15th percentile, disappointed I took the next 2 months to study almost 15 hours daily and scored in 100th percentile. So her disregard for her GRE was alarming.

In addition to struggling with math, things she does makes me wonder if she has any common sense. Like one time she called me crying because someone had convinced her that she had autism and needed treatment.

I also recognize that people have different areas where they can thrive in and there are different types of intelligences. But the issue here is that she seems to lack that as well, she has no hobbies, no activities she does, nor does she have any leadership abilities. I played football for a D1 school, meaning working out is a big part of my life; and she doesn’t even want to work out. All she really seems to be passionate about is her baby niece. She loves to take care of her and basically acts like her mother.

She is also extremely unmotivated, and does not seem to want to achieve anything.As someone who grew up in poverty, I’ve always worked to achieve something like going to college on a football scholarship or working to get into medical school. I just don’t get how someone can just not care? She may have a unmanaged mental health condition, but she has refused to see my psychiatrist(I have adhd) every time I’ve tried to mention it.

I love her a lot, she is the kindest most compassionate human being I have met. She is the woman I would want as the mother of our children, but the lack of motivation and obvious difference in intelligence is really getting to me. I am very worried about the future. I don’t want to break up with her because she is “dumb” but all of my attempts at motivating her have failed. What do I do?

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* This article was originally published here