I’m posting this to hopefully get some clarity on the situations so I can do better.
My wife and I have been married for 2 years. We live in my home town where my family lives and she’s from a city an hour drive away. During the first year of marriage my wife and family did not get on well. My parents tried to get too involved in our marriage and tried to control things. One problem was that we spent the weekdays working and every weekend would go see my wife’s family. Others include making backwards requests, ignoring my wife, saying I do more for her than she does for me and that she has taken me away from my family and don't enough time with them.
I have been setting continues boundaries on issues that come up and might come up and have supported my wife. I have said that this is my partner, they need to respect her and that any decisions will be made between my wife and I. If they feel a certain way they can speak to me directly without upsetting my partner. I’m not a argumentative person and have done these talks quietly when the tension is low. It has taken my parents some time to understand that I don't need them to make decisions for me, all I need is their support. I have been trying to get the two to get along by getting them involved in functions, pointing out the positives and highlighting complements from each side. More importantly for me, I have been trying to make my wife feel better by listening, treating her, spending time with the people who she enjoys company with etc.
About a year ago however, there was a destructive argument between my family and my wife and her family. Everyone involved turned hysterical and extremely upsetting things were said in the heat of the moment. This included my wife slandering my family and banning them from our home, saying she is standing up for herself. At the time, I supported this, not having any contact with my family weeks and spending the time at home with my wife, doing all the things she enjoys.
I have grown up with the mentality that people argue, especially families, but at the end of the day we are able to let bygones be bygones and get together during important events. After a few weeks of silence my family and I started speaking again. We discussed what happened and I repeated my initial stance to let us live how we choose to live. They have since not been involved in any matter between my wife and I.
I understood it would take my wife longer to move past this and therefore for a year I have been going to see my family alone every one or two weeks. My wife and I both work from home so we spend the majority of time together. I have been going with her to to everything she has planned with family, friends, such as Birthdays, dinners etc and have been missing out on my own plans to not let her down. Over the course of this period I have been feeling down/upset/frustrated that when I ask her to accompany me with any sort of event that involves my family she denies, or gets hysterical as to how I can ask that of her. We've have been continuously arguing over this, and I eventually just stopped asking her.
My wife expressed that it upsets her that I continue to see my family, and have put everything in the past. She says it shows the lack of support I have for her and that she feels disrespected and alone in her battle. I have assured her that I wont let history repeat itself and that I will be there if anything were to happen. There have been a few occasions where paths cross between my family and people haven't said hello back to my wife, and younger teen siblings being distant and awkward. I realise this is wrong but given the events, I have said that it will take time to rebuild the relationship and that we should keep on trying to be civil. During arguments about such things I don't condone their behaviour but do try and explain how they are feeling and the reason for their actions. My wife has slowly evolved into becoming hysterical during these arguments, screaming, swearing and breaking things. She tells me everything that is wrong with me and that I have done nothing for her, she says she hates this marriage. If my wife has raised an issue about anyone's behaviour, I confront them and explain that they need to be better if they want to make it work. I realise that I have to work on being able to assess my wife's feelings and take action immediately, but I have not been confrontational and it isn't how I like to handle things.
My wife and I have become distant as we have let this come between us. We are trying to just focus on us and are seeking counselling. I am prepared to distance from my family once more but I am unable to shake the burning feeling inside me that she is not giving me the support that I give to her.
Am I being delusional about things getting better between the families? Is my support for my wife insufficient and therefore not deserving of the compromise and the same support back?
tl;dr: My wife feels unsupported as I have continued to work on my relationship with my family. I am trying to meet her expectation by my desire to live a life according morals and wants is letting me down.
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* This article was originally published here
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