Background: My wife and I have been together for 4 years and got married last August, best days of our lives, couldn't have been happier, we were living an amazing life that we had built together. We tried IVF from November to April this year with my wife as the carrier, unfortunately after six times this didn't work. We decided to hold off over the summer and maybe think about it later in the year, obviously the whole situation had a huge impact on my wife - I supported her through the process but she said it felt like she was less of a woman which is awful and the reason why we decided to take a break.
Main: We've always spoken about potentially trying ethical non-manogamy but with strict boundaries in place to make sure we were both happy and secure, even before we got married this has come up in conversation. The opportunity presented itself to my wife when she met another lesbian at our gym (we frequently go to gym classes) and started a conversation, soon leading to adding on Facebook and so on. My wife asked if I would be happy to allow the non-manogamy now and I agreed as we had put boundaries in place, the other lesbian woman also knew about the situation. Note: I knew my wife would have resented me if I didn't approve, she's even said this before, so I felt like I had to approve in order for us to stay together (but also it was fun for me so not all negative).
A month down the line, it's obviously they have a lot in common and my wife smiles when she receives texts from this other woman - I'm a little jealous but focusing on my own dating/sex so it wasn't a problem, the difference being I was chatting to a few people and not just focusing on one person but at the time I didn't think much of it. My wife also reassured me that I had nothing to worry about and that this woman wasn't a threat to our marriage (lol). However, I could tell things were becoming different and my wife started to become more hesitant about telling me certain things - she would start talking of this woman quite highly and got concerned.
My wife and I had a planned holiday to France last week for a long weekend with some of her family, I decided to bring our checkpoint discussion about the ENM situation forward to when we got back from France after 4-days. However, throughout the entire holiday she was sneaking away to call this other woman most nights and as anyone would in my situation I looked at their messages one night and let...me...tell....you... My heart broke in two. My wife had lied and crossed every possible boundary that was set, even talking to this other woman about our own, personal sex life (between my wife and I). The other woman was messaging things like 'we have this incredible connection, I'll wait for you when you tell your wife what's been going on, we could make this work' etc.
So I somehow managed to wait until our checkpoint chat on Monday which is when my wife told me that she's in love with this other woman and that the other woman is in love with her, they care about eachother deeply and the sex is out of this world (better than ours she kindly clarified), my wife had also been romantic and wrote her notes, told her how special this other woman is to her etc. You get the idea. Anyway, after all the upset and initial shock/heartache I said in order for us to try and move forward you need to cut this other woman off 100%, no Facebook, no phone number, nothing. And she cried extremely hard, she didn't want to do it - can you believe that?! But she reluctantly did three days later after we had a couple's counselling session and the therapist basically said if you don't cut it off, your wife can't move on. Umm duh. She cut it off completely and now we're about a week down the line, but everything I've heard and seen keeps coming back and it's breaking my heart.
It's worth noting that my wife doesn't have many friends where we live, she's quite lonely which I believe has a part to play in this as well. I'm not quite sure what to do, I know my self-worth, I know I don't deserve this and that I'm a good person but do I try to make it work and stick it out? Or do I leave as my wife has cheated on me? (even if the sex was approved due to ENM, the emotional/romantic cheating was not).
TDLR: After opening up our marriage into ethical non-manogamy (ENM), my wife falls in love and emotionally cheats on me with another woman.
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* This article was originally published here
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