Former student (37F)/Professor (35M) relationship professional suicide?

TL;DR I'm (35M) in love with a former student (37F). Would pursuing this relationship be career ending?

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I'm a relatively young lecturer with stable employment at a decent university. I enjoy my work and have good working relationships with other staff in my department as well as friendships with a few of them that have ended outside of work. Cutting to the chase, I have a former student who I have gotten close to through mutual friends outside of university. She graduated last year and has not been my student for about 18 months. She's a non-traditional student and is a couple of years older than me. We are both divorced with children from previous relationships. I have unexpectedly fallen for her and she has stated that she has feelings for me. She has moved to another, more prestigious university in a different field. Is there any way I could pursue this further without it being frowned upon and potentially ruining my and her reputation? She was a particularly brilliant student and well liked and remembered by my colleagues, so if this relationship were to work out it is not something I'd want to or be able to hide.

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* This article was originally published here

Double-date play dates are too much

TLDR: neighbors want to hang out with us all the time, we aren’t clicking with them friendship wise. We only have our kids in common. Neighbor husband is inappropriate and it overall just seems like not a good fit. ETA they are several houses down, not next door neighbors.

My husband (40-ish M) and I (30-ish F) have newer neighbors who come from a strict Christian background. Our toddlers happen to be the same age and play together well. They are nice people, but we are finding they’re a package deal. When a play date is suggested by either of us, they rush at the idea that we all hang out (spouses and kids). They always suggest we find sitters so we can go out for double dates without the kids too. We personally enjoy making time for double dates when it’s with really good friends of ours.

I am interested in making time for one-on-one mom/tot playdates. My husband has his friends that he is happy with and likes having good neighbors, but doesn’t want to be signed up to hang out with them all the time. And I respect it / agree with him.

To be blunt, at our ages my husband and I are busy with work, hobbies, our families and of course our toddler. We’re fortunate to have friends near and far that we make time for. We’re very social people, yet we are selective about who we spend our time with. That is how we live our life now and we’re happiest that way.

Our neighbors have been sounding kinda desperate to hang out, they will walk by our house all the time to see if we’re home and kind of just take up our space and time when they see us outside. Again, fine with that in small doses. We like hanging out with our own kid but without another family always coming over.

Fast forward to this week. The neighbor wife keeps texting me ideas of ways we can all to get together soon, all the time. They invited us over for a kid-free movie night at their house which is not our bag so I politely said no thanks we’re busy. They seem to want to have a play date every week and it’s just not something we can or want to make time for. I mentioned earlier that they are religious and it’s because my husband and I are very much not. We are open to having friends of all kinds, but we just don’t seem to click with them like we would the people we prefer to spend time with.

The neighbor husband makes a lot of inappropriate sexual jokes around us (and for being strictly religious I kind of see this as a red flag from my own experience/past religious upbringing). Our kids are usually within earshot of these jokes and are of age were they repeat everything they hear. His parenting style is also stressful because he’s constantly interrupting our conversations to verbally reprimand his kid for doing the same things my kid is doing at the moment (climbing safe things, screaming outside while playing, etc). I really like seeing the wife once in awhile, however they are a package deal.

From speaking to my husband, it feels like we both are doing them favor by hanging out with them rather than enjoying our visits like we do with our real friends. How do we let them down gently? I already told her we were very busy with our schedules and can’t make time for frequent play dates. They are persistent. I know they are newer to this area, the clingy-ness is getting to be too much. Thoughts?

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* This article was originally published here

Did i meet my girlfriend too soon?

Me (21M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been together for almost two years now. I have never loved anyone the same way i love her. We have a really stong connection and is almost a perfect match in my opinion. However i feel like I'm not done with "single life" yet. When i talk to my friends who uses tinder and hear about them meeting new people and trying somthing new, i get a bit sad that i might never get to experience that, in that capacity. Even my girlfriend whent on a short tinder streak before she meet me (she meet four different guys). I have tried tinder however not to that extent. I have meet up with one person from tinder. It is not that i havent had any previous partners, i have. I have just always know them before hand or something like that. I kinda just wanna see what it is like to have a couple of flings, and a couple of "quick meet ups", and experience that side of life. I had also planned to do this in my gap year which started just as i meet my now girlfriend so that never happend. I honestly dont know what to do. I am kinda jealous of my girlfriend, because she has tried exactly what i wanted. I really think what we have might be once in a lifetime kinda thing. But maybe we just meet too soon?

I don't know. I think i just needed to vent a little. If anyone has any advice or opinions about what to do, that would be appreciated.

*English is not my first language so sorry if it is a bit messy and hard to read.

Tl;Dr I think my girlfriend is the ONE, but i dont think i am done with "single life"

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* This article was originally published here

My friend ghosts me a lot, and I'm hurt, what do I do?

Friend: gender male, age 21 Me: gender nonbinary, age 21 Relationship length : 2 years

Context: I have severe anxiety and rejection sensitivity disorder due to being neglected and abused as a child Me and friend are 21 and we study the same course, we are on 3rd year and know each other 2 years

The first thing: my friend has this thing where he doesn't respond for a week sometimes or when I write to him he responds few days later. And it was OK for a while, he told me that this is normal for him. But I started to feel pushed back when I saw that he reads group chats, it made me wonder - his reason for not responding is that he needs like a timeout, but then why read group chats? I wouldn't overthink it so much but sometimes I need to talk because I'm feeling very bad and I just miss my friend because we haven't seen each other for a while. He usually doesn't respond or says he was busy which ok understandable, but there was so many of being busy that I'm starting to think it's not just that. Now don't get me wrong I don't call everyday or even every week. Yeah I text a lot, I'm very lonely because I live in toxic household and need some genuine human connection, so I like to send memes, photos of my animals, ask what's up and vent a bit about how I feel. I don't know maybe it's too much???

I was going on with it for 2 years, but everytime he didn't respond in few days i started over thinking a lot and I just felt like my brain is on fire from all this constant fear of being left out. I usually kept it in, almost never told him how bad it is because I know its my problem and guilt tripping won't do any good. Yeah sometimes in joking manor I said I was worried that something happened but never in accusatory tone.

But last few weeks I broke. I can't take this anymore. I have other friends, not such close ones but I talk to them about my feelings too because I don't want to overburden people because I know I can be too much. A lot friends including me have some exams to retake, my friend also had one which he has to pass to go on next year. I have one too but if I fail I can go further but its gonna be very hard with extra subject aka a but of stress is on everyone. This resulted in none of my friends talking to me for week or 2. Wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that I live in the country with toxic family.

That silence broke me, I had to come back to xanax because it was all to much and even though friend wrote the exam and saud it went well he only wrote to me once (it's been a week) and it's not like I want to write everyday, but like... I needed to talk, I needed help but he didn't answer my call (not the first time, a few times it happened actually). I wrote that I'm sorry I had super panic attack and I took xanax to help. Silence. So I just said to myself f_ck it. I don't want to be immature but I'm going to do that to all of my friends. I will not answer to any of them for 2 weeks and just ignore all of them.

I'm also doing it because I'm starting to rethink should I even have those friends since they cause so much pain in me. But then I would be alone and still had to see them everyday in class. I feel like I'm more invested in keeping up friendship then any of them and it hurts so much. I just want my friend back but I can't keep functioning like that. Him ghosting me from time to time because he doesn't feel like talking to responding or showing that he cares. I don't know anymore if he does. He said multiple times that he just won't ghost me and leave suddenly but I don't think he likes me as much as I like him.

It hurts so much, being alone, without anybody to talk to or help, feeling like a constant burden to everybody for texting /calling and them scarcely responding. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to have friends and not feel sh**ty all the time. Please help me i can't anymore live like this.

TL;DR! I have anxiety, my friend is very bad at responding to me especially when I need help with my mental health and I need to change that because idk how long we can be friends like that

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* This article was originally published here

Are we (29F, 31M) too different? TW mental health, longpost

I will preface this by saying I (29F) struggle with anxiety and depression following my childhood. I have sought therapy and continue to do so but I need to vent and ask for advice because you all give takes on things I never would have thought about.

I met my boyfriend about 2 years ago, through a mutual friend that I had a previous fling with. We connected through dinner dates at my and his parents place and began dating. He has been by my side despite my struggles at my previous job of many years and we agree on a lot of topics and can have good conversations.

I am an animal lover, I always have been and always will be. I have had both of my cats for almost 9 years now. My boyfriend and I got a dog last year and he reluctantly let me get another dog a few months back. All of our pets are shelter pets. Our cats are incredibly needy. One of them is almost always physically glued to me or yowling for attention. The other is constantly in your food or yowling for pets. The first dog is chill and doesn't need much attention. The second dog is a bit of a problem. She is quite affectionate and always wants attention. She battles for affection with the cats. She is difficult to take on walks as she is dog reactive on leash. My boyfriend has expressed multiple times that he hates her. I love this dog. I see the good in her and I definitely have more respect for animals than I do most people. She needed a home. I have tried to rehome her but no one is a good fit for her thus far. She has made a lot of strides with consistent training. We have a really small house. The cats have to be confined to the basement because they are conditioned to sleeping with me at night and they keep him awake. The silly 30lb dog has to be crated now because she wants to cuddle in bed at night and my bf can't sleep. I would have 10 animals in bed with me if they were all comfortable and happy.

My boyfriend's idea of a perfect day would be playing PC video games. Uninterrupted quiet and video games. I enjoy video games but find it hard to immerse myself in them. He will get frustrated if I am watching him game and end up looking at my phone or a book instead. My take is this: if the power goes out or servers are down and you have no way to play games, what's left for you to enjoy? My perfect day would be a breezy outdoor day with all of my pets with my just talking, snacking, or staring at the sky and planning for the future.

We have amazing sex although sometimes now I feel that I have to do it instead of wanting to in order to make that dedication to our relationship. A lot of the times it doesn't feel like we see eye to eye on anything and I usually come away from discussions with tears in my eyes and silence because I don't want to rock the boat with my opinions and thoughts.

He has been really depressed the past week and talking about it tonight he blames it all on the pets and that he never has a break from them. I told him that saying that makes me feel guilty and I don't know what he wants me to do. He said he doesn't want me to feel guilty, that he is just expressing how he feels.

We share the responsibility of caring for the pets. I do litterbox duty daily and buy all of their supplies/insurance/Healthcare. He feeds the dogs at night and takes them on a 10-15 minute walk once a day. I have tried time and again to convince him the dog park is fun (I go every other day with the dogs) or try to take longer walks because it's good for the dogs and us and he says he needs more down time. Prior to getting a new job a few months ago, I was able to bring the dogs with me to work to give him a little more downtime and I can't do that anymore.

I see couples and men at the dog park and have envy when they seem like they're truly enjoying their time with their dogs. My boyfriend sometimes does show affection towards the pets but the majority of the time it is dislike and annoyance. At the dog park he is constantly just on his phone and scrolling reddit. If I see a loose animal I will stop my plans, pull over and help the animal. He would drive by without a second thought.

I also sometimes find it hard to find empathy for him. I work 40-50 hours a week with silly clients, particularly coworkers, and many naughty pets. Along with this, I am going to school full-time to get out of this field. I also pet sit on the side. He works 40 hours a week at a nice job where he can listen to music and has his own workstation.

I have expressed a few times in the past that I would love a further commitment from him. He explains that that's not his style and it has nothing to do with lack of feelings or commitment just that is worried about divorce and messy financial outcomes. I on the other hand would love to wear a ring and be married and have that lifelong promise. I still believe that there is something concrete about that kind of love. I've given up talking to him about it because it seems like our values and wants from life just don't align.

My question is, do you guys think we are too different to stay together? I have never broken up with someone but it has been on my mind a lot. Am I forcing my values onto him and being too selfish?

Thanks everyone.

tl;dr I love animals and my boyfriend of 2 years is struggling with them. He LOVES video games and I could take them or leave them. I want more traditional commitment fron a partner and he does not. Are we too different to continue our relationship?

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* This article was originally published here

Why does my brother despise me?

Hello, I am looking for insight as to why my brother despises me. As of recently, I have noticed he wants nothing to do with me and everytime I look in his eyes I see hatred. The only time this is not true is if he needs something from me, he knows that all he has to do is be nice to me and seem excited to do something with me since I long for that from him. He does his best to avoid me around our small residence, he will deliberately not enter the room if I am in it and then the second I leave it he will finally come in to do what he needs(I have just realized this is a pattern that he constantly repeats). He is sabotaging furniture around our house and leaving messes everywhere. He seems apathetic and depressed. He recently got really involved with hanging around bad kids his age and they have only encouraged him to do more drugs. He is extremely addicted to drugs and it seems that is the only thing he lives for nowadays. He is depressed 24/7 unless his buddies offer to hang to with him and smoke/do other more extreme drugs. Those kids use my brother for free food/transportation(with my mothers car) and in return my brother gets weed and companionship. Recently, he returned the car one night with damage and vehemently denied having anything to do with it. Personally, I am against drugs and he knows this, therefore I do not tolerate it in my presence and tell our mother about it when he is doing it since it’s her house. Our father, whom he has completely cut off, finally started drug testing him(he is extremely against drugs) and when he tested positive he told him that he will test him everyday, after that my brother cut him off. He treated our father like he treats me now before he cut him off.

TLDR: brother wants nothing to do with me, do not know why?

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My (F35) boyfriend (M36) thinks we should both "settle" for each other and stop thinking we could do any better than each other

I know this is strange, but I've been with someone for four years, though for the first two it was very "options open," and we weren't exactly free to date other people, but didn't have a strong commitment bto one another either.

We moved in together after that, mostly for financial reasons, and for much of the time he would make remarks about how attractive he found other girls, how I really wasn't his "type," how we wouldn't be as serious as we were if it weren't for us living together. You get the picture.

Well, now he's done sort of a "180," if you will, but sort of not.

He wants us to commit to each other for the rest of our lives because "everyone else sucks" and "you can't trust other people" and "neither one of us will ever do any better."

How romantic, huh?

I laughed and told him to speak for himself and that no one knows what the future holds.

I've had enough of his little "dings" over the years and don't want to be with someone so belittling forever.

I can't afford to move out, but I don't want him getting any more "attached" and comfortable. I feel like that's what's driving his sudden "change of heart," if you can even call it that.

So what should I do? It's freaking me out that suddenly he's decided I should be his permanent partner, and given me pretty crummy reasons for why that should be.

TL;DR: boyfriend of 4 years trying to convince me to "settle" and I am not enthused.

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* This article was originally published here