I will preface this by saying I (29F) struggle with anxiety and depression following my childhood. I have sought therapy and continue to do so but I need to vent and ask for advice because you all give takes on things I never would have thought about.
I met my boyfriend about 2 years ago, through a mutual friend that I had a previous fling with. We connected through dinner dates at my and his parents place and began dating. He has been by my side despite my struggles at my previous job of many years and we agree on a lot of topics and can have good conversations.
I am an animal lover, I always have been and always will be. I have had both of my cats for almost 9 years now. My boyfriend and I got a dog last year and he reluctantly let me get another dog a few months back. All of our pets are shelter pets. Our cats are incredibly needy. One of them is almost always physically glued to me or yowling for attention. The other is constantly in your food or yowling for pets. The first dog is chill and doesn't need much attention. The second dog is a bit of a problem. She is quite affectionate and always wants attention. She battles for affection with the cats. She is difficult to take on walks as she is dog reactive on leash. My boyfriend has expressed multiple times that he hates her. I love this dog. I see the good in her and I definitely have more respect for animals than I do most people. She needed a home. I have tried to rehome her but no one is a good fit for her thus far. She has made a lot of strides with consistent training. We have a really small house. The cats have to be confined to the basement because they are conditioned to sleeping with me at night and they keep him awake. The silly 30lb dog has to be crated now because she wants to cuddle in bed at night and my bf can't sleep. I would have 10 animals in bed with me if they were all comfortable and happy.
My boyfriend's idea of a perfect day would be playing PC video games. Uninterrupted quiet and video games. I enjoy video games but find it hard to immerse myself in them. He will get frustrated if I am watching him game and end up looking at my phone or a book instead. My take is this: if the power goes out or servers are down and you have no way to play games, what's left for you to enjoy? My perfect day would be a breezy outdoor day with all of my pets with my just talking, snacking, or staring at the sky and planning for the future.
We have amazing sex although sometimes now I feel that I have to do it instead of wanting to in order to make that dedication to our relationship. A lot of the times it doesn't feel like we see eye to eye on anything and I usually come away from discussions with tears in my eyes and silence because I don't want to rock the boat with my opinions and thoughts.
He has been really depressed the past week and talking about it tonight he blames it all on the pets and that he never has a break from them. I told him that saying that makes me feel guilty and I don't know what he wants me to do. He said he doesn't want me to feel guilty, that he is just expressing how he feels.
We share the responsibility of caring for the pets. I do litterbox duty daily and buy all of their supplies/insurance/Healthcare. He feeds the dogs at night and takes them on a 10-15 minute walk once a day. I have tried time and again to convince him the dog park is fun (I go every other day with the dogs) or try to take longer walks because it's good for the dogs and us and he says he needs more down time. Prior to getting a new job a few months ago, I was able to bring the dogs with me to work to give him a little more downtime and I can't do that anymore.
I see couples and men at the dog park and have envy when they seem like they're truly enjoying their time with their dogs. My boyfriend sometimes does show affection towards the pets but the majority of the time it is dislike and annoyance. At the dog park he is constantly just on his phone and scrolling reddit. If I see a loose animal I will stop my plans, pull over and help the animal. He would drive by without a second thought.
I also sometimes find it hard to find empathy for him. I work 40-50 hours a week with silly clients, particularly coworkers, and many naughty pets. Along with this, I am going to school full-time to get out of this field. I also pet sit on the side. He works 40 hours a week at a nice job where he can listen to music and has his own workstation.
I have expressed a few times in the past that I would love a further commitment from him. He explains that that's not his style and it has nothing to do with lack of feelings or commitment just that is worried about divorce and messy financial outcomes. I on the other hand would love to wear a ring and be married and have that lifelong promise. I still believe that there is something concrete about that kind of love. I've given up talking to him about it because it seems like our values and wants from life just don't align.
My question is, do you guys think we are too different to stay together? I have never broken up with someone but it has been on my mind a lot. Am I forcing my values onto him and being too selfish?
Thanks everyone.
tl;dr I love animals and my boyfriend of 2 years is struggling with them. He LOVES video games and I could take them or leave them. I want more traditional commitment fron a partner and he does not. Are we too different to continue our relationship?
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