Friend: gender male, age 21 Me: gender nonbinary, age 21 Relationship length : 2 years
Context: I have severe anxiety and rejection sensitivity disorder due to being neglected and abused as a child Me and friend are 21 and we study the same course, we are on 3rd year and know each other 2 years
The first thing: my friend has this thing where he doesn't respond for a week sometimes or when I write to him he responds few days later. And it was OK for a while, he told me that this is normal for him. But I started to feel pushed back when I saw that he reads group chats, it made me wonder - his reason for not responding is that he needs like a timeout, but then why read group chats? I wouldn't overthink it so much but sometimes I need to talk because I'm feeling very bad and I just miss my friend because we haven't seen each other for a while. He usually doesn't respond or says he was busy which ok understandable, but there was so many of being busy that I'm starting to think it's not just that. Now don't get me wrong I don't call everyday or even every week. Yeah I text a lot, I'm very lonely because I live in toxic household and need some genuine human connection, so I like to send memes, photos of my animals, ask what's up and vent a bit about how I feel. I don't know maybe it's too much???
I was going on with it for 2 years, but everytime he didn't respond in few days i started over thinking a lot and I just felt like my brain is on fire from all this constant fear of being left out. I usually kept it in, almost never told him how bad it is because I know its my problem and guilt tripping won't do any good. Yeah sometimes in joking manor I said I was worried that something happened but never in accusatory tone.
But last few weeks I broke. I can't take this anymore. I have other friends, not such close ones but I talk to them about my feelings too because I don't want to overburden people because I know I can be too much. A lot friends including me have some exams to retake, my friend also had one which he has to pass to go on next year. I have one too but if I fail I can go further but its gonna be very hard with extra subject aka a but of stress is on everyone. This resulted in none of my friends talking to me for week or 2. Wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that I live in the country with toxic family.
That silence broke me, I had to come back to xanax because it was all to much and even though friend wrote the exam and saud it went well he only wrote to me once (it's been a week) and it's not like I want to write everyday, but like... I needed to talk, I needed help but he didn't answer my call (not the first time, a few times it happened actually). I wrote that I'm sorry I had super panic attack and I took xanax to help. Silence. So I just said to myself f_ck it. I don't want to be immature but I'm going to do that to all of my friends. I will not answer to any of them for 2 weeks and just ignore all of them.
I'm also doing it because I'm starting to rethink should I even have those friends since they cause so much pain in me. But then I would be alone and still had to see them everyday in class. I feel like I'm more invested in keeping up friendship then any of them and it hurts so much. I just want my friend back but I can't keep functioning like that. Him ghosting me from time to time because he doesn't feel like talking to responding or showing that he cares. I don't know anymore if he does. He said multiple times that he just won't ghost me and leave suddenly but I don't think he likes me as much as I like him.
It hurts so much, being alone, without anybody to talk to or help, feeling like a constant burden to everybody for texting /calling and them scarcely responding. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to have friends and not feel sh**ty all the time. Please help me i can't anymore live like this.
TL;DR! I have anxiety, my friend is very bad at responding to me especially when I need help with my mental health and I need to change that because idk how long we can be friends like that
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