this post may end up being very long but i will try my best to keep it short and answer questions below for more context and explanation. all relationships are nuanced and complex and i am sure there will be many details i miss that i am happy to answer to after the fact.
my boyfriend (m19) and i (f19) have been in the same friend circle for 6 years. we had never been PROPER friends, as i always had a bit of a crush on him and he was a teenage boy focused on his friends and video games.
2 years ago our friend group began to grow closer and i found a great friendship in him. after a few months, in february of 2021, he kissed me. from there, we had gone on a few dates, had sex multiple times (we were both virgins at the time) and eventually fell into a relationship. it was like a dream come true.
at the time of us getting into a relationship, i knew he was somewhat religious. (his faith is christadelphian). i had always known his family attended church and more often than not, he would go too. i knew he never swore and would occasionally travel interstate to see his extended religious family and friends. other than this, he didn’t express anything that i felt were red flags.
after a month or so, we had some big discussions where he expressed he would like me to involve myself in his church and check out out to see if it’s something i like. he told me that he dates to marry, and although many people do find themselves dating outside of the religion, it’s preferable that his partner is at least interested. i had been raised without religion and would consider myself agnostic. at the time, i had just started to really educate myself on politics and philosophy and found it all quite fascinating. his ask seemed reasonable to me and i was honestly very eager to learn about his faith and educate myself further. religion has always been something i have wanted to learn about, but i find it overwhelming at times and this seemed like an approachable opportunity.
so i began attending his church (or as they called it ‘the meeting’) nearly every sunday. i would say at least 3/4 sunday’s a month. it was definitely confronting at first, but i felt welcomed and it was genuinely interesting. obviously i had heard many stories of cults and grooming and keeping this in mind i made sure to stay grounded and keep a distance between me and the church. but it was enjoyable! i didn’t have an intention to ‘convert’ and i made this clear to my boyfriend, but if i found myself convinced and the faith formed, i wouldn’t be opposed. i’d embrace it and nurture it happily.
(note: i am not saying that his religion IS a cult, i only mention this to assure you i understood what i was getting into)
anyway… at this pace this post will be far too long so i’ll get you up to speed.
throughout our relationship, we would have arguments but only ever about politics and they were more like friendly debates. his positions on the lgbt+ community and feminism made themselves more apparent (he didn’t think it was ‘right’ but would use the right pronouns etc, and that he saw feminism as ‘anti men’) but he was always patient and seemed curious to learn more about my side of things. his ideologies concerned me and i told him this, but we had 6 friends in our 8 person friend group that were out as gay, trans, bisexual and non binary and he seemed very comfortable spending most of his time with them. we both knew we disagreed on these topics but i think both of us felt the other would ‘come around’, and i felt we could make peace with it and find a happy middle ground to function in if neither of us were to change.
outside of politics, our relationship was good. he had never dated anyone before me (i have had one 5 month relationship, one 1 year relationship) and he was still very clearly learning how to be a boyfriend (we barely ever call, he was ignorant of romantic gestures, took a while to learn how to reassure me and vice versa) but he was always trying his best. i will admit, i have been treated better before, but his lack of effort and action wasn’t to do with his lack of love or care. it is clearly a lack of experience and i felt it was no use to follow the ‘grass is greener’ mentality and ditch the connection i had with him in hopes of someone who bought me flowers and posted me on social media etc. i had considered it, but that has passed for me, things are improving and i am sticking it out as he does make me feel loved to the best of his ability right now.
a few other notes:
- i have struggled with generalised anxiety disorder for my whole life and the past 3-4 years i have dealt with an eating disorder, body dysmorphia and ocd too. i see a psychologist for this and am taking medication. it’s improving slowly. this was also taxing on him and our relationship and another reason for me sticking it out as i felt i couldn’t ask for more (he is wonderful in supporting me through anxiety attacks etc)
- he has a porn addiction that he refuses to seek therapy for. i have tried to help and refer him to resources but he believes he can ‘will himself out of it’. the use of porn does seem to waver depending on his religious guilt and guilt regarding me, but when he is watching it its instagram models, hentai, fetish stuff etc. this has been an on/off concern.
- during covid 19 he was heavily influenced by his family (particularly his mother) and is now very much anti-vax, believing in all the typical theories. i am unvaccinated due to his concern for my fertility (he told me it was my choice but he would be worried and it would ‘cause problems’ in our relationship. i caved, lost my job and hid inside for a year and a half)
- he has eluded to loosely believing in some conspiracy theories (fluoride in water, distrust of western medicine and doctors) but claims they are just ‘interesting’ to him and ‘make sense’.
i am sure if you are reading all of this you are probably thinking ‘why in the world is she with this idiot?’. i understand. i have heard it all. i do not have an excuse and i do not think i am doing the ‘right’ thing if i stay with him. all i can say is that i feel i am not in a position where i am stable enough to leave him. mentally and emotionally i am unwell and i don’t know how i would handle it. this might not justify sticking by him but i can only share my perspective. i do want your opinions but please understand that i am not ignorant of the issues here.
now we get to my main concern and breaking point. recently we had a conversation in which he expressed his concern with me spending so much time with our lgbtq+ friends. he said he likes them and i can do what i want but it does ‘worry him’ and he wishes i had some ‘normal girl friends’
this was incredibly upsetting to me and i expressed my discomfort. he didn’t have a lot to say other than that i can do what i want but he just doesn’t enjoy being around them as much since ‘all they ever talk about is gay stuff’
i was hurt and frustrated trying to help him understand, but his misconceptions seemed far too ingrained in his core values and character and i eventually gave up. we made up and he moved on. it kept weighing on me.
last night we were spending time together and another debate style conversation arose. we began talking about his faith in relation to lgbt+ identities and i tried to get an answer out of him about how he justifies the lack of utility in his arguments. he kept dodging questions and didn’t seem to have the vocabulary to express himself. he got frustrated with himself and resorted to explaining points that had nothing to do with what i was asking (explaining history of bible etc). i eventually just started asking direct questions because i was sick of the ego and lack of accountability. i wanted to get a CLEAR position from him.
i won’t run you through the back and forth s but this is the general idea:
- after i asked directly, he admitted that he would be pro conversion therapy ‘but done properly’ and believes that it works even though i tried to show him the evidence proving otherwise.
- he said he’s more about preventing trans and gay people from turning out ‘that way’ and thinks it’s to do with soy milk, social and media influence etc.
- i then asked him even if that WAS true (which it clearly is not) what would his solution be to help the current trans and lgbtq+ people in the current world. he didn’t have an answer. other than to ‘not flaunt it’ and to ‘not be PRIDEFUL’.
- he expressed he thinks incest and bestiality is wrong because the BIBLE condemns them not because of the harm done… however believes that part of the reason gay people are ‘wrong’ is because it’s harmful? i’m not too sure about that one but he has shaky framework for his arguments to say the least.
- for all of his points, he couldn’t provide any evidence (re conversion therapy, soy milk etc) but i asked for him to send me some.
- he essentially admitted that he wouldn’t believe there exists ANY evidence to prove utility in supporting lgbt+ or other things condemned in the bible. and even if there was, he would still believe in gods word because it’s ‘right’ and he knows best. he couldn’t answer directly what he’d do with that evidence and how he’d disprove it
- he kept using the word ‘unnatural’
then ultimately, i asked him what he would do if our kids were gay. he told me he wouldn’t go to our kids wedding if they were gay and said that he would ‘love them and support them’ but wouldn’t ‘encourage it’ and wouldn’t want them to flaunt it or be proud of it. he also blatantly said he wouldn’t feel comfortable with our kid having a gay relationship and wouldn’t see their relationship as legitimate or real.he insisted he could be ‘respectful’ and once they’re 18 they can do what they want (either choose to stay in church or leave or ‘proactive homosexuality’, transition etc) but he wouldn’t be ‘happy about it’i asked him if he would compromise on this and he said something along the lines of: having the intention to support something that is explicitly condemned in the bible is worse than ‘accidentally’ or in the moment sin. he would very likely NOT compromise on these things but insists he is ‘open’ to learning.
the conversation ended with both of us crying for a while, holding each other and him insisting ‘we will make it work’.
IMPORTANT!!! (rest of context in comments)
i suppose i’m wondering…
is it worth sticking this relationship out a little longer and attempting to help him out of this hateful mindset? is that even a possibility?
is there a best way to approach our next conversation?
how much should i compromise until this becomes borderline controlling/toxic?
i’m so sorry for the very long post, i hope it makes sense to you all and please ask questions below if it’s too confusing.
TDLR: my boyfriend is far more conservative that i initially realized. i am happy to incorporate his faith into our future family, but he refuses to love the members of the lgbt+ community in our lives… including our potential future children. i want to leave him but i want it to work out more. is this possible?
