Really struggling after he [33M] suddenly ended things with me [31F] before a trip

This is long!! I apologize! Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read it.

Background

• met on an app and had our first date end of June. I had a feeling even before I met him that this connection would be special, but tried to manage my expectations by going on other dates too.
• at the beginning he kept deferring sex with me - but he also mentioned he mentioned wanting to "explore" the dating scene so I figured he was getting it from somewhere else. I found out later he is actually a bit inexperienced with the actual of sex (but not with other things like oral). I'm the second girl he has slept with. One important thing to note - he can't always "perform" but insisted it was based on external factors (ie. not liking when a girl is on top, having a variable refractory period that can last up to 2 days, not putting it inside me quick enough, etc). He claims his inexperience with sex is due to "morals" but I suspect this "difficulty" plays a part too.
• probably also important to note, his family is +++influential/wealthy in our city which I turned a blind eye to while we were dating because I didn't want it to change our dynamic. I knew he was well off but didn't really know the extent. I'm a healthcare worker and stuff about the business world goes over my head.
• we had an amazing summer, no talks about where it's going but since we both had other relationships end in the spring I was fine with this pace.
• but by September, we had the exclusivity conversation but didn't label things yet. During this conversation, he mentioned that I was the only girl he had been physical with since we first got together. This or any other expectations about this had not been communicated with me before. So, I was transparent and told him I slept with another guy twice early on (somewhere around date 5) because my assumption was that he wanted things to be casual. He was pretty bothered by this despite me explaining that he never communicated with me that he prefers being physical with only one person at a time, that I wasn't sure where he stood. I told him I don't know the exact dates of when the overlap happened at that point but gave him a ballpark week.
• I said that we didn't know each other's boundaries because they were not communicated but now that we do, and we can move forward with a shared set of expectations. I found out later he was actually still going on first dates at this time anyway, but he claims it was never physical. He brings the fact that I was physical with someone after him up twice, because he has trouble wrapping his head around it - but says he doesn't want to stop seeing me over it. Eventually we move past it.

Relationship progression

• September and October were literally the happiest months of my life. I truly thought I had found my person. A lot of my friends commented they had never seen me this way before (ie. talking openly to them about my feelings and trying to be vulnerable with him). I'm a pretty guarded person but I tried so hard to be open and vulnerable with him.
• I met all his friends and immediate/extended family who loved me. He planned a weekend trip (international flight) for Nov 24, which gave me the impression things were moving in the right direction.
• He started calling me pet names like babe, beautiful; started sending me lovey emojis which again I thought was a signal for progression.
• I'm at his place 3-5x/week and we text all day.
• we started exploring more sexually - there were certain things he wanted to try and I was more than happy to oblige.
  Weirdness
• I noticed he kept saying things like "you say no to me too much", "why are you saying no, you need to say yes more" whenever I would say I didn't have time to have sex (sometimes he would push for 2-3 times a day despite not being...physically able to anyway).
• the night before his birthday party, he said something along the lines of "I'll just do stuff to you in your sleep" when I told him I was so tired and would fall asleep midway. This made me uncomfortable because I have actually been in this situation before, so I said verbatim "can we maybe change the language being used in situations like this... it reminds me of a non consensual, bad experience I've had and I don't want to cross associate that with you because I like you and what we're doing". He pushes me to expand on my experience and eventually I cave and tell him about it."
• morning after, things were fine, but by afternoon he was weirdly distant. At the party, he wasn't really interacting with me. To the day, he stopped calling me those pet names, stopped sending me lovey emojis, stopped saying he was excited to see me. I asked him about this multiple times and even asked if it had anything to do with what I shared with him. He said no. The little lovey behaviours never come back but he's still overall normal so I didn't push it.
• but then, he also started insisting that he knew "my secrets" and "what I was hiding from him" - other than childhood baggage I had no idea what he was referring to and he refused to discuss it with me, but held it over my head for weeks which felt manipulative and caused me anxiety.
  Sexual escalation
• despite pulling away emotionally at this time, he started escalating things we would do sexually. For example, he tied me up which I have never experienced before. We had a big night out planned around this. Then he wanted me to tie him up, which I was intimidated by so I told him I would do it but I needed some time to wrap my head around it and plan how I'd execute it etc. Finally he just set a date for me to do it because he wanted it sooner rather than later - Nov 18
• In the meantime, he kept bringing up anal which I had previously said (before we were even exclusive) I didn't feel comfortable doing without a relationship label. First he said he was very patient and would do things at whatever pace I wanted. After two weeks, he told me he was "eager" and wanted to do it "before the trip". Alarm bells started going off - what was the rush to do all these things before the trip?
• Meanwhile, for Nov 18, I planned a very elaborate date just as he did for me - I made him a fake little dinner invitation with instructions on what to do and where to meet me; took him to a Michelin star restaurant (his request) and an orchestra; bought lingerie that he had picked out. The works.
• that day, he asked me for an explicit picture which I stupidly gave. The date went pretty good. The next morning, he asked me to blow him which I obliged to; then he asked me to do two other things I had previously said I'm shy about but would definitely explore with him. However, I had to go to work so I told him we could do it when we had more time.
  Dumped
• I went to work and he didn't text me for 9 hours.
• after work, I asked if everything was okay. Long story short, he said over the last 2 weeks he had been thinking about future/direction and what we both want, and that he realized "today" he was nervous about our trip to Nashville.
• I had him call me and he basically said there was no potential for this to be more serious than it has already gotten.
• I was angry because he had asked for explicit pictures and sexual acts that I wasn't overly comfy with literally within 24 hours of breaking up with me, as well as escalating our sex life while having doubts. It just seemed so out of character. I was also upset that he passed so much judgment on decisions I made when we weren't even exclusive on the basis of "morals" but then did this to me. I didn't mention this to him but he also watched me drop 1k+ on him during this date night - which is probably is pennies to him, but I work hard for my money. I tell him I feel used and taken advantage of sexually.
• the next day he insists on talking in person. I relent. First he tried to villainize me for getting angry on the phone ("you say you almost never get angry, and yet you got angry on the phone"). I told him I'm entitled to my emotions and it's not like I raised my voice, swore, or did anything like that. So he pivots to trying to get me to refute my feelings. It's clear he doesn't like that I'm saying I feel used and taken advantage of and keeps trying to change my mind by adding more retroactive context the story (ie. saying he actually didn't have doubts for 2 weeks, that it was an epiphany instead; saying that he didn't actually plan to break up, just wanted to sort out his thoughts, but because I asked to talk about it he thought the most fair thing to do would be to dump me; asking me how I could possibly think this was planned when he was literally making reservations for our trip, buying me Christmas gifts and planning surprise dates for me the day before).
• he also tried making out with me twice.
• what bugs me the most is he again kept bringing up me "hiding" something from him but refused to elaborate on what it was.
• I asked "why is this ending again?" and still just got a vague "it just doesn't have enough leg to be serious".
  Guys, I'm really struggling - I really thought I had found my person and feel it ended so abruptly and vaguely. I feel so broken while he is living life and posting constantly on social media. All of my friends agree that the trajectory of the end of the relationship, as well as the reasoning for its end, is really confusing and some of them are encouraging me to reach out to get more closure but I think it's a bad idea. Anyone have any insight? What should I do?

Tl;dr: dated a guy for 5 months for it to suddenly end right before a trip, left feeling confused, so depressed, and unsure how to move forward.

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I feel like I can't stand my relatives anymore

I (20f) live about over 200 miles away from my mom. She lives at the countryside and the people there are just odd to me. Very religious and just weird to me. I visit my mom usually once in two months because of the distance and often while visiting I have to see my stepfather's relatives as well. My mom's in laws are those types of people who don't understand most of the situations and speak up their minds and comment things without thinking first. Their comments usually make the room feel awkward and sometimes makes me feel rage of their stupidity. I have tried to be nice to them even though their comments sometimes makes me want to speak back at them. But now that their stupid comments are going under my skin because they don't see anything wrong with commenting about someone's health just like that, without even knowing how the other person really feels. I want to keep the peace with them since I see them as well when I visit my mom but I'm tired of playing pretend anymore and I want to put them on their place at least as nice as I can without starting a big argue.

TL;DR: my mom's in laws are driving me crazy with their awkward and rude comments and I can't keep it in me anymore. I want to put them in their place and make them understand that they just can't blurt out everything they are thinking at the moment without knowing the seriousness of the situations. How can I do this without causing a big scene?

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Me [40M] with my wife [40F] 10 Years, Redemption from Online Indiscretion, Seeking Guidance/Wisdom from Kind, Married Women on Reddit

I'm generally happy in my marriage, except for constantly getting denied for intimacy in bed (successful only once a month).

Recently, I started communicating with a divorced woman on Reddit. Our conversation began casually like getting to know each other, but eventually, we discussed my marital frustrations related to sex, and the conversation took a NSFW turn a few days ago.

She expressed strong attraction toward me, and she said she hadn't felt like this since her divorce seven years ago.

I believe that I just cheated on my wife even if it's online, and I recognize that this is harmful to my wife, me, and the woman. I've decided to stop.

I'm now asking myself whether to confess to my wife and seek her forgiveness. If I do, I'm not sure how to go about it. Or, considering the risks, is it better to keep this a secret and ensure that it never happens again?

I know I'm a terrible person, but I'm hoping some kind women on Reddit could provide some guidance and wisdom.

Thank you for any insights you can provide.

---

tl;dr: I cheated online. Should I disclose to my wife? If so how?

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She broke off all contact suddenly and i dont know how to process it.

For anyone who cares to read. I just would like to get this off my chest, hence the subreddit.

I (19M) am a social person. I am overanalytical when it comes to people, and i pay attention to everything down to their minute detail. I believe i am good at conversation and generally having relationships. Except i can never pursue a crush.

I have battled with thoughts of cognitive dissonance about my behaviour pertaining to having romantic feelings towards people. I have a system of protection in which i have essentially convinced myself that i do not want a relationship, so whenever i meet someone i may have an interest in i think about them long enough that i get tired of them, or find something that i do not like about them by meticulously looking for it, or blame it on my hard degree or academic ambition, or just say that they are not worth the trouble... The dissonance part comes into play where i say that this approach is hurting me emotionally in a way i never felt before. For so long i told myself that i would meet such a person that would throw my complete belief system out the window, someone that would make me question my entire thought process and start from ground up.

I am a really hard person to like, nevertheless love, and i have zero expectations from life or other people that i will meet someone as such. This does not mean that i stopped looking, but i make no efforts in pursuing such a person as i do not believe they exist, or that they are practically impossible for me to find. Cut to the beginning of this summer.

After such a hard year, possibly the hardest year of my life, i had entered summer. And i met this girl, lives in a different city same country, through instagram. For so long i have been thinking of qualities that a theoretical aforementioned person would have: how they would talk, how they would react to things, what kind of beliefs they would have.. And this person checked all the boxes. I meticulously searched, and my system worked for a time yet it failed, for the first time. I was not scared, i did not have any excuses. I thought i had found my person, the person i had begun searching ever since i had become aware of myself.

This girl made it very clear to me that they did not have any interest in relationships. She mentioned that she does not care for people, except for one or two exceptions. She and i constantly talked about instances where people do not upheld an agreement at the start of a relationship and argue about which side is wrong or right, with real life examples from people we knew.

But, we talked. We talked for over 4, up to 7 hours a day straight, for over 5 months. The amount of days that this did not happen cannot exceed 4. For at minimum 150 days, everyday, we spent our nights together talking. She is not an avid sleeper and mostly stays up until 4-5 AM, and so do i, so we talked until one of us had fallen asleep every night.

Night talks then included days, and it was not long before i was spending 1/4 of my day talking to her. 100 days i spent like that.

Chatting online then did not get enough, and we hopped on Discord. We watched movies, did online tests, watched series, talked on there too... we sent and received pictures, vented. I did not share with another person this much before, maybe except for my dad. And i always loved and cared for her input and she told me the same. I felt like i could tell her everything, like there was nothing i would wantingly keep from her as i do not have a reason to.

She told me that i made her felt safe. That it did not matter who or what she was, or what she did, i was here to accept her. She said this to me, verbatim.

Around two months ago from today we also started flirting. There was a flirtatious energy going back and forth.

At this point i felt as if she had started caring about me. You talk to a person for hours on end every day, talk to them on calls, flirt, vent, share things with.. You have to care for this person, right?

As she said she had no interest in pursuing anything, i kept my feelings to myself. Out of fear of losing her. My flirting was very open though, and it was apparent that she knew i liked her. I cannot say the same for her, though. As much as she flirts she may be doing it for fun, no?

So i kept my feelings to myself. I did not openly confess. I could not contain myself from implying that i liked her, so i did, but i received no reciprocation. I received no signs or "dropping-of-hat" in front of me that said otherwise, that said she reciprocated my feelings.

I am not even joking about this part, last time i saw a nightmare where she was not in my DM's anymore. I wake up covered in sweat at around 05:50 AM, open my phone, and she does not have a profile picture. I look at her profile to see that she just deleted her profile picture and she did not block me, i was still following her. Yet she did not reply to a message i sent 20 hours ago, but had seen my story. I spent an hour doing stuff and went back to sleep.

When i woke up around 6-7 hours later, she had unfollowed me. Did not block me, just unfollow me. I had experiences with an unfollowing bug before so i messaged her that there could be a bug that happened and i told her that i sent her a follow req (Denial, the first stage of grief i suppose, but i thought it was a good excuse for sending a request). Two hours later i see that she rejected my follow request.

I know that i did not have to do anything wrong, that sometimes there is no closure, sometimes a person just does things. But i feel that this is too soon. I cant shake this feeling that says this is wrong. Our last talk was sending memes to each other, and talking about how it had been 5 months since we met. I feel as if i am owed an explanation, the tiniest bit of closure to fuel me to move on.

I am so emotionally numbed that i dont know how to feel about her suddenly breaking off contact with me. I lost the ability to cry a long time ago, so i have no way of pushing out my feelings. It is giving me a throbbing headache just thinking about it, but thats all i can do: think about it. And i dont know how i am supposed to feel about all this. I don't have any experience to fall back on.

I just need someone who can emphasize. Anyone who can share their two cents. I feel like i just need to hear an outside opinion to light the mist surrounding this.

I dont expect people to read this all but it felt good to write it out. If anyone did actually get this far i would really value their input, thank you.

​

TL;DR : I felt something i didnt feel for a long time pertaining to a girl, and she suddenly broke off all contact. I dont know how to feel about it.

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I (19F) run into my birth mother and she now wants us meet up. What should I do?

It happened this morning at the petrol station. I went to pay for fuel and she was there. She called my name, hugged me and started talking as if nothing wrong ever happened between us. She ghosted me over three and a half years ago and now just acted like everything is fine, she talked almost like she's my best friend and a perfect mother. In the end she suggested that we must meet as there is so much we (she not we) must talk about and how much she missed me. I never felt this before but I was scared of her, I panicked, all I was able to say was "yes mum" and agree with everything. I can't believe that I called her mum. It was all very weird, I felt angry at her and myself for being completely defenceless and scared.

Relationship with my parents was never great. When I was in my early teens I started realising that all what really mattered for them was dance and a will of my mother to fulfill her idiotic dream. I felt more like dehumanised item with a perfect body that they were showing off at diffrent dance competitions. I learned how does a healthy relationship, stable, loving and caring family looks like only when I started living at my boyfriens parents home. It took a therapy and hours of talk with my mum-in-law to realise how toxic, controling and manipulative my birth parents are, how wrong and wicked some of the things they did were and that my childhood was filled with emotional abuse, blackmail and what can be considered as physical abuse.

I was 15 when everything between me and my parents ended. I think it all started with them never approving my boyfriend, me starting to understand what was going on and becoming a bit rebelious. They kind of tolerated him as my friend only because his mum has been my ballet teacher and at the time it was very convenient for them. TBH I don't think they really knew what was going on between us and what we were doing. Eventually I got pregnant. I knew that my parents would never accept it so we decided not to tell them just yet. We didn't really knew what else to do. Somehow- I think they checked my phone- they found out about it and they went mad. They were absolutely furious. Long story short, the massive argument broke out, I refused to do what they wanted and they kicked me out. They abandoned me and completely cut me off when I needed them the most.

Since then I moved on. I am with the most amazing, loving and caring guy in the whole universe. He is me best friend and my husband. Together we have a beautiful 3 year old and we are expecting a little baby girl in just a few weeks and I just couldn't be any happier.

What happened today was like a huge emotional trigger and I just don't handle stressful and difficult situations well and another thing is now is the worst possible time for all this to happen.

I keep thinking about what should I do, what is the best way out of this. Should I meet up with her or just ignore her? My husband offered that he'll talk to her but I am not sure about it.

Tldr Parents cut me off when I was 15 and we haven't spoken since. I run into my birth mother and she was acting like nothing ever happened and wants us to meet.

PS I might be slow to reply at times, but I will do my best to reply to all messages. Thank you.

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My [21F] boyfriend [20M] still has feelings for his ex

Hi! So my boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months, 4 of which have been long distance. I recently saw him for a little more than a week which is when we said I love you to each other and made our relationship official.

We've have conversations in the past where he's told me he isn't completely over his ex-girlfriend. But after I saw him and we became official and everything, idk, I thought he would be over her by now. They only dated for three months and broke up January this year. Anyway, this past weekend he got drunk with some coworkers and when he came home we were texting as usual and everything was fine. Then the next day, I was on tiktok and I know it's really unhealthy but sometimes I check his ex's tiktok because she still follows him. But when I checked it, I saw that they were friends now (both following each other). All this time before, he didn't follow her, so I knew it was a recent thing. I was just surprised and felt a bit uneasy, because of things he's said before.

Today, I brought it up with him and he said he doesn't even remember it but when he was drunk he followed her and sent her "the unfunniest tiktok ever" and that he didn't know why he did it. Apparently she just said "what" and he said "idk" and that was it. I was trying my best to be have a clear head about it, but I couldn't stop thinking that drunk actions are things you want to do when you're sober but are too scared. I asked him if it was that or just something dumb he did in the moment. He said it was a bit a both. Then he said, "it was just a stupid tiktok" and I replied, "it's not about the tiktok". He asked "what's it about then?" and I said "that maybe you were hoping for a different reply". He said "it isn't that deep. I just feel lonely sometimes I guess. maybe that's why."

Then he puts himself down a lot saying things like "I suck. I hate the way I am." and saying "I just wish you were here. Everything is easier when you're here."

I don't know what to make of this. I feel upset. I want to forgive him and move on but I don't know if I even should. I know long distance is hard but I'm trying my best. I just don't know if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should be.

TLDR: my boyfriend still has some feelings for his ex and I don't know if I'm just making a big deal out of it.

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My (27F) husband (37M)would rather do anything but have sex with me

TLDR : husband withdrew from intimacy following birth of our son. When I told him I was unhappy he hardly tried to make things better. He thinks it’s working. It’s not.

We got married after three years of dating and the sex was great before marriage. I got pregnant almost immediately following our wedding. Our baby turned 1 years old this November. Ever since I got pregnant he withdrew intimacy almost completely. He does everything as a father. He makes sure I am not overburdened by being a SAHM. However, he won’t initiate sex. I have tried on many occasions to let him know I want to do it. He either plays dumb or denies sex.

He says it’s because his libido is lower than mine. How low does it have to be to not want to sit with your wife and talk about your day? He would rather watch YouTube videos or scroll Reddit than sit with me or cuddle with me even.

He thinks there is nothing wrong with our marriage. I have told him that I would like to have more sex and he thinks that he is trying. He also thinks that it’s working but I have just stopped getting mad at him for the lack of sex. I’ve just given up.

I do still love him but I feel abandoned in the marriage. I don’t know how to fix this because I have tried everything. Sexy lingerie, cooking for him, telling him directly. Nothing works and I have no hopes of it getting better.

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