This is long!! I apologize! Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read it.
Background
- met on an app and had our first date end of June. I had a feeling even before I met him that this connection would be special, but tried to manage my expectations by going on other dates too.
- at the beginning he kept deferring sex with me - but he also mentioned he mentioned wanting to "explore" the dating scene so I figured he was getting it from somewhere else. I found out later he is actually a bit inexperienced with the actual of sex (but not with other things like oral). I'm the second girl he has slept with. One important thing to note - he can't always "perform" but insisted it was based on external factors (ie. not liking when a girl is on top, having a variable refractory period that can last up to 2 days, not putting it inside me quick enough, etc). He claims his inexperience with sex is due to "morals" but I suspect this "difficulty" plays a part too.
- probably also important to note, his family is +++influential/wealthy in our city which I turned a blind eye to while we were dating because I didn't want it to change our dynamic. I knew he was well off but didn't really know the extent. I'm a healthcare worker and stuff about the business world goes over my head.
- we had an amazing summer, no talks about where it's going but since we both had other relationships end in the spring I was fine with this pace.
- but by September, we had the exclusivity conversation but didn't label things yet. During this conversation, he mentioned that I was the only girl he had been physical with since we first got together. This or any other expectations about this had not been communicated with me before. So, I was transparent and told him I slept with another guy twice early on (somewhere around date 5) because my assumption was that he wanted things to be casual. He was pretty bothered by this despite me explaining that he never communicated with me that he prefers being physical with only one person at a time, that I wasn't sure where he stood. I told him I don't know the exact dates of when the overlap happened at that point but gave him a ballpark week.
- I said that we didn't know each other's boundaries because they were not communicated but now that we do, and we can move forward with a shared set of expectations. I found out later he was actually still going on first dates at this time anyway, but he claims it was never physical. He brings the fact that I was physical with someone after him up twice, because he has trouble wrapping his head around it - but says he doesn't want to stop seeing me over it. Eventually we move past it.
Relationship progression
- September and October were literally the happiest months of my life. I truly thought I had found my person. A lot of my friends commented they had never seen me this way before (ie. talking openly to them about my feelings and trying to be vulnerable with him). I'm a pretty guarded person but I tried so hard to be open and vulnerable with him.
- I met all his friends and immediate/extended family who loved me. He planned a weekend trip (international flight) for Nov 24, which gave me the impression things were moving in the right direction.
- He started calling me pet names like babe, beautiful; started sending me lovey emojis which again I thought was a signal for progression.
- I'm at his place 3-5x/week and we text all day.
- we started exploring more sexually - there were certain things he wanted to try and I was more than happy to oblige.
Weirdness - I noticed he kept saying things like "you say no to me too much", "why are you saying no, you need to say yes more" whenever I would say I didn't have time to have sex (sometimes he would push for 2-3 times a day despite not being...physically able to anyway).
- the night before his birthday party, he said something along the lines of "I'll just do stuff to you in your sleep" when I told him I was so tired and would fall asleep midway. This made me uncomfortable because I have actually been in this situation before, so I said verbatim "can we maybe change the language being used in situations like this... it reminds me of a non consensual, bad experience I've had and I don't want to cross associate that with you because I like you and what we're doing". He pushes me to expand on my experience and eventually I cave and tell him about it."
- morning after, things were fine, but by afternoon he was weirdly distant. At the party, he wasn't really interacting with me. To the day, he stopped calling me those pet names, stopped sending me lovey emojis, stopped saying he was excited to see me. I asked him about this multiple times and even asked if it had anything to do with what I shared with him. He said no. The little lovey behaviours never come back but he's still overall normal so I didn't push it.
- but then, he also started insisting that he knew "my secrets" and "what I was hiding from him" - other than childhood baggage I had no idea what he was referring to and he refused to discuss it with me, but held it over my head for weeks which felt manipulative and caused me anxiety.
Sexual escalation - despite pulling away emotionally at this time, he started escalating things we would do sexually. For example, he tied me up which I have never experienced before. We had a big night out planned around this. Then he wanted me to tie him up, which I was intimidated by so I told him I would do it but I needed some time to wrap my head around it and plan how I'd execute it etc. Finally he just set a date for me to do it because he wanted it sooner rather than later - Nov 18
- In the meantime, he kept bringing up anal which I had previously said (before we were even exclusive) I didn't feel comfortable doing without a relationship label. First he said he was very patient and would do things at whatever pace I wanted. After two weeks, he told me he was "eager" and wanted to do it "before the trip". Alarm bells started going off - what was the rush to do all these things before the trip?
- Meanwhile, for Nov 18, I planned a very elaborate date just as he did for me - I made him a fake little dinner invitation with instructions on what to do and where to meet me; took him to a Michelin star restaurant (his request) and an orchestra; bought lingerie that he had picked out. The works.
- that day, he asked me for an explicit picture which I stupidly gave. The date went pretty good. The next morning, he asked me to blow him which I obliged to; then he asked me to do two other things I had previously said I'm shy about but would definitely explore with him. However, I had to go to work so I told him we could do it when we had more time.
Dumped - I went to work and he didn't text me for 9 hours.
- after work, I asked if everything was okay. Long story short, he said over the last 2 weeks he had been thinking about future/direction and what we both want, and that he realized "today" he was nervous about our trip to Nashville.
- I had him call me and he basically said there was no potential for this to be more serious than it has already gotten.
- I was angry because he had asked for explicit pictures and sexual acts that I wasn't overly comfy with literally within 24 hours of breaking up with me, as well as escalating our sex life while having doubts. It just seemed so out of character. I was also upset that he passed so much judgment on decisions I made when we weren't even exclusive on the basis of "morals" but then did this to me. I didn't mention this to him but he also watched me drop 1k+ on him during this date night - which is probably is pennies to him, but I work hard for my money. I tell him I feel used and taken advantage of sexually.
- the next day he insists on talking in person. I relent. First he tried to villainize me for getting angry on the phone ("you say you almost never get angry, and yet you got angry on the phone"). I told him I'm entitled to my emotions and it's not like I raised my voice, swore, or did anything like that. So he pivots to trying to get me to refute my feelings. It's clear he doesn't like that I'm saying I feel used and taken advantage of and keeps trying to change my mind by adding more retroactive context the story (ie. saying he actually didn't have doubts for 2 weeks, that it was an epiphany instead; saying that he didn't actually plan to break up, just wanted to sort out his thoughts, but because I asked to talk about it he thought the most fair thing to do would be to dump me; asking me how I could possibly think this was planned when he was literally making reservations for our trip, buying me Christmas gifts and planning surprise dates for me the day before).
- he also tried making out with me twice.
- what bugs me the most is he again kept bringing up me "hiding" something from him but refused to elaborate on what it was.
- I asked "why is this ending again?" and still just got a vague "it just doesn't have enough leg to be serious".
Guys, I'm really struggling - I really thought I had found my person and feel it ended so abruptly and vaguely. I feel so broken while he is living life and posting constantly on social media. All of my friends agree that the trajectory of the end of the relationship, as well as the reasoning for its end, is really confusing and some of them are encouraging me to reach out to get more closure but I think it's a bad idea. Anyone have any insight? What should I do?
Tl;dr: dated a guy for 5 months for it to suddenly end right before a trip, left feeling confused, so depressed, and unsure how to move forward.
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* This article was originally published here
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