I need advice. I'm in the grips of grief and struggling with feeling a total lack of support. I'm about ready to give up.
TW: su•c•de
Since my (26 F) best friend's (27 F) sudden suicide my boyfriend (23 M) has been really absent and not prioritized making any time for me. He and I have been together going in two years on February 13th. She was my best friend for years before he and I met. He knew her and I had a somewhat romantic but non-sexual relationship.
On D-day he talked to me for around an hour then went to sleep mid convo. Thanksgiving, of course he was busy, going to his best friends thanksgiving. The next day/ the night before the funeral he had plans to help his best friend with fixing a fence, then after was busy cleaning his desk, so still absent. He finally video chatted me for a few but again fell asleep during. Then the day of the funeral, he slept in late then had to work a party at his job, the Birthday of the brewery he works at, so again too busy to talk to me. Photos of him grinning surrounded by female coworkers getting posted to his fb... Made me feel even worse...The day after the funeral I hardly received anything at all then he was just busy working at the brewery again. Again the next day, he's just too busy all day to talk to me, then had to go work at the brewery. The next day he's sick and sleeping, I have to convince him to take care of himself, so he takes a covid test and its positive. I get him to take medicine. Naturally he was pretty much asleep for days, but when he started feeling better again, he immediately went back to filling all of his time and being absent. He immediately went back to the brewery the night if. Then next day went to his best friends brother's birthday party, Then went to okay video games together. The past two nights he told me he would call me after he was done playing video games with his friends so I waited up. He never came back either night. Both nights he said he was going to finish something in a game with his friends and call me after. I wait up till midnight before accepting he is not going to be calling.
Since I lost her, he hardly talks to me. If/When he does he just goes to sleep on the call. Last night when he said he would call after video games I even replied I didn't want to wait around all night for him to maybe call. He didn't acknowledge I said that and then he just literally did the same thing again.
I keep clearly communicating my needs and feelings and explaining how much it hurts me he's been so absent in my time of need, and that his poor communication skills are hurting me but he's just "sorry" and nothing is different. This is the hardest time of my life and I feel so abandoned.
We're already living long distance to each other bc when I recognized our apartment was raising our rent too much, I insisted we move and was told he was making moves to make that happen. I sent countless links to other apartments and housing continuously trying to work on it. He wasn't actually doing anything, not even what he said he was doing (saving account for the move, looking at the places I was showing, claiming he'll reach out to the new places). He just planned for us to remain where we were without ever verbalizing it. He didn't communicate to me that this decision was then dragging us under and didn't communicate about what was going on. I even asked him to write everything out for me so I could start doing the budgeting but got the minimum info. So when he finally told me what was happening...it was bc he suddenly realized we couldnt afford the apartment we were in anymore, he broke up with me and told me he's sending me cross country to my parents. They didn't know of this at the time. He dropped it all on me suddenly and had his best friend and brother ready to come over and start grabbing his stuff. He wouldn't send them away either but insisted they were the ones insisting on moving all his stuff out immediately. He said they didn't even know what was going on, just that he was leaving me and refused to back down. Finally after they leave with his stuff and the apartment looks ransacked, I try to talk to him and he ends up going to sleep holding me. I wake up all night anxious but in the morning I wake up and talk to him, he comes down off wanting us to break up and says he just panicked. The next couple weeks were full of abandonment anxiety and getting proposed to, but with a ring another man once proposed to me with... Then I flew across country and a day later found my best friend ended her life.
This is all a lot harder because initially when I found out I felt unsafe with myself, and it lasted for days. My best friend and I emotionally supported each other a lot because we struggled with similar trauma, depression, and Neuro-divergent issues, in addition to a lack of emotional support. I thought I was closer to losing the battle than she was tbh. I thought she was stronger than me. She kept me going when I wanted to give up. I kept telling my partner how bad the grief was effecting me and he's just absent. I started deluding myself, thinking I could find her in another realm if I ended my life. When I took the 6 hour trip to her funeral I hardly planned to return. I was really not doing well and maybe I made it through it but I didn't have emotional support when I needed it most. Again, I do communicate that I'm feeling unsafe with myself and needing support. But it hurts very badly that someone who "loves me" has emotionally neglected me during the hardest time of my life.
Anyway what am I to do? I know I need to get into therapy but I'm still trying to get insurance in this state. All of my belongings are still with my bf across the country and I am advised not to make large life changing decisions while in mourning but I feel so uncared for that just being in this relationship is starting to make me feel even more hopeless. I feel I have lost everything. I believe he does love me but it's like a literal golden retriever, theyre not gonna text or call but will be happy and cute when you're in the same room as them.
TL;DR My boyfriend hasn't been there for me since my best friend killed herself, apparently oblivious to my need of support though I keep clearly communicating what I need.
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* This article was originally published here
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