My best friend (F28) and I (F28) have been close since we were little kids. Let's call her Sally. We've seen each other flourish and fail as we navigate our childhood, adolescence, and now adulthood. Each season and chapter of my life, she has been present just as I have been for hers. Our friendship is what I consider a beautiful blessing that helped shape who I am today. I wouldn't be so hurt by the conversation/ incident I'm about to get into if we weren't so close. I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this because I'm worried I'm overreacting/ being too sensitive.
Over dinner 2 weeks ago, I asked Sally who her second-in-command bridesmaid would be at her hypothetical wedding (just some silly, harmless girlish talk). I already knew I'd be the maid of honor since she's told me this since we were kids, so I didn't ask that. She responded that her second closest friend is a girl named Edith (fake name). I couldn't hold a poker face. For context, Edith was a high school bully. In my memory, Edith would talk poorly about all the other girls at our school. If one girl was too fat, another was too skinny. If one girl was too bookish, another was an airhead...you get the idea. Specifically with me, she apparently talked about how my eyes were too big for the rest of my face proportions, my voice was too high-pitched, and that my boobs must be stuffed toilet paper. To be fair, all this was relayed to me by another friend at the time so IDK how true it is. However, I do remember Edith looking at my eczema scars on my neck one day and shouting, "Your neck is just black. The skin is dead!" in front of me and guy I liked at the time. I assumed she was just the type to blurt things out, but tbh, she did this a lot. I could excuse all this as petty high school stuff. Afterall, this was a decade ago. However, even during college, my best friend would call me crying every other week (they went to the same college and I went somewhere else) because Edith would look down upon her and make her feel belittled. They were housemates and I guess Edith would be fine when they were alone but shun her/ignore her when they were out in public. They apparently talked about this later and Edith apologized. And then not too long ago, only a couple years back, Edith outted one of our mutual friends to their church community. My friend had to forcefully come out to her parents after they heart the church chatter. If you've been to Asian American churches, you know this is bad. They're not warm and accepting about queerness at all. This is all information Sally is aware of.
Fast forward to the dinner table, my eyes widened and my jaw fell open. My best friend looked hurt. "You know I'm close to Edith!!" Did I know? Sure, I knew they had been housemates in college and they grew closer after graduation. I did know that my best friend was a bridesmaid for Edith, but tbh, I thought it was because Edith didn't have many heartfelt girlfriends after being so mean-spirited. I had never heard anything positive about Edith from my best friend. Not one compliment or recollection of kindness. "I didn't know she was as important as second closest, I guess," I blubbered. I know it wasn't the greatest response. Our conversation quickly dissipated into awkward silence and tension.
Later that night, I asked "Do you think you can arrange a hangout with all of us together? I realize I still don't think positively about Edith and that feels unfair because I haven't really interacted with her in a bit. At best, my impression of her is neutral as of now. If she's someone important to you, and you believe she has changed, I trust your judgment of character, and I would like to get to know her better." Sally paused for a bit and I waited in silence for around 2 minutes. She then semi-curtly said, "Why? What would we even do? Just catch up since high school?" I was taken aback by her defensiveness. I thought she would be happy that I'd be willing to make an effort to get to know Edith. "I mean, we don't have to talk about everything since high school. We can just talk about what's going on now," I said. Sally stayed quiet for a while again and then said, "You don't have to do that. I appreciate you trying to get to know her, but I don't expect you to." She then went on to tell me how she likes to keep her friendships compartmentalized because of the varying dynamics she shares with everyone. I persisted, "I still would love to get to know her as a person." She sigh exasperatedly and said, "Why do you want to get to know her all of a sudden?" Her tone sounded annoyed and this hurt me. I felt like I was going out of my way to make her more comfortable. She reiterated that she doesn't need me to get to know Edith as a person and that it feels "cringey" to merge her friend groups together. She acknowledged how she thinks I'm great at bringing friends from different parts of my life together and bridging good relationships between them, but since I already don't have the best impression of Edith, I didn't have to do that for her. I didn't want to push more after this so I just said, "Okay, we don't have to hang out or meet, but if you can, can you tell me more positive things about Edith? Like just how she's a good friend or the fun times you share? Doesn't have to be immediate! I just want to hear nicer things about her since the only time I've heard of her after hs was when she was being mean to you." To this, Sally agreed and said that she would have done this earlier if she felt like she had a safe space to do so. She didn't feel like I would want to listen about Edith's good moments since I had a transfixed impression. This kinda confused me because as soon as I found out my friend was one of Edith's bridesmaids, I inquired waaay more about her in hopes that Sally could feel more comfortable bring her up if they were indeed closer now. But never had Sally brought up Edith first. But I get everyone has a different idea of a "safe space" and maybe I didn't make Sally feel comfortable enough to bring up that matter. Sally then alluded I should let go of the past and accept the now since we have all changed. More specifically, she said "I think the stuff she did to you was fucked up, but she really has changed and I think we should move on. And not to dismiss my college woes, but I may have been the one to overreact back then since I needed to process my feelings and you were always the first one I called." I told her I don't care about the stuff Edith said in high school to me, but I do care that I haven't heard anything positive about Edith from her. She sighed and asked me what I would do if my partner had a friend I disliked. Would I expect my partner to do anything about it? I think she asked this because she wanted to gauge what she might have to do. I told her, "Honestly, I wouldn't expect my partner to change his friend since humans have no control over that. We all carry our own autonomy and moral systems. But I'd want to believe my partner can redirect his friend from the wrong path if he sees them being immoral or mean." Sally contemplated this and nodded silently. We then just scrolled on our phones separately for 20 minutes and ended the night.
I want to revisit the conversation and ask Sally why she feels uncomfortable about merging friend groups, but I worry it will push her away or make her wildly uncomfortable again. I don't know if it's the right thing to do to ask more about Edith. The thing is – I'm not sure why it makes her so uneasy. Are there heavy discrepancies in the dynamics she holds that she doesn't want to reveal? Is she afraid I will still dislike Edith regardless of her changes? Is she afraid I'll call Edith out? Does she think I'll embarass her or alter their dynamic?
I'm also processing lingering anxiety that my friend may, in fact, accept the way Edith has acted in the past and be fine with it. This actually hurts me the most. I contemplated if I was jealous of their dynamic even though I've never witnessed it and my sincere answer to that is "no". I don't feel like their friendship puts ours at risk, but I do feel confused and stung by Sally's adamancy on keeping her friend groups separate. How can I approach this topic without scaring her? I feel like my offers to get to know Edith better came off too strong for Sally. :/ Am I caring too much about this? Should I just let it go completely?
TLDR; my best friend is close with a former hs bully and now wants us to all move on from the past. How can I when she doesn't want me to befriend her and get to know her as the person she is now?
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* This article was originally published here
