I (32M) have discovered fiancee (29F) has continuously cheated in our relationship. Conflicted as to what should I do ?

Hi everyone,

I'm using a throwaway account for privacy reasons, but I’ve been a long-time Reddit user. This post might be lengthy as I want to present a fair and clear picture of our relationship from my perspective. I’d greatly appreciate your opinions and feedback as we're at a critical juncture.

I’m 32M, and my partner is 29F. We’ve been dating for 7 years and are scheduled to marry in September. I come from a relatively wealthy family and am running a fledgling business. My partner also hails from a well-off family and works a stable, low-demand job. While not wealthy, we live comfortably in our own home with a large yard and a dog we both adore.

However, our relationship has significant challenges. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and struggle with shallow emotions, avoidant behavior, and hyper-independence, likely due to my upbringing. I suspect I might have psychopathic tendencies due to my blunted emotions, but I am high-functioning and treat those close to me with kindness. Before this relationship, I had only one other serious relationship, which was shallow and lasted 2 years when I was 18.

My partner was diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies as a teenager, and we suspect she has histrionic personality disorder. She is anxiously attached, fears being alone, has severe self-esteem issues, and compulsively lies due to past traumas and childhood experiences. Her past relationships, including a marriage that ended because her ex-husband was closeted, were toxic.

We’re both fairly attractive and don’t have much trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex, though I avoid social media while my partner is active on it. Our relationship started with a strong connection. I knew early on that I wanted a life with her. We quickly became exclusive after dating for 4 months, even though I was already committed from the start.

We were in a semi-long-distance relationship at first, living in different cities. We met weekly, alternating visits, and stayed in daily contact, expressing love consistently. We gave each other space and trust; I never checked her phone and respected her autonomy, though, in hindsight, I noticed some early red flags.

Things went smoothly for about a year and a half before I moved to her city, leaving behind my friends and family. This was entirely my choice, though she was willing to move for me if needed. During this time, we had no issues progressing our relationship, and I was happy and in love. I covered most of the expenses, including holidays, as I was earning significantly more, but I was content because we enjoyed our time together.

After moving in together, I continued to cover most expenses, but she started contributing more. Moving in was generally smooth, though there were minor adjustments. Our relationship continued to progress well, and we both made friends in the new city. However, I noticed she became increasingly absorbed in social media, posting frequently about our holidays and dinners. Sometimes, she focused more on her social media than on me during our time together. She also posted revealing pictures, which I now see as a red flag, but at the time, I overlooked it.

From late 2019 through 2020, things began to unravel. COVID had a significant impact on my professional life, and I went through a particularly tough time. I withdrew into myself, becoming cold and distant, which affected our relationship. While I was preoccupied with my own issues, my partner also withdrew, though she didn’t make much effort to support me during this period.

By early 2021, our relationship had become strained, with frequent fights. As things started improving for me, I tried to make up for the past year by buying her a bag she had wanted for her birthday in 2020. However, a lingering feeling of unease led me to check her computer while she was out, and I discovered she had been both emotionally and physically cheating on me throughout 2020.

This revelation devastated me, but she begged me to stay, apologizing profusely. I confronted her, and during our argument, she immediately deleted her Instagram and other message threads without my consent, raising suspicions about the extent of her cheating. She admitted to some of it but consistently lied about the details, leading to months of fights where I continued to uncover more instances of her infidelity. She has a history of only admitting to things when there is evidence.

In summary, her cheating was extensive, spanning our entire three years together. Much of the evidence has been deleted, so I can’t confirm the full extent, though I suspect there’s more she hasn’t admitted to. My gut feeling tells me I still don’t know the whole truth.

1. After we met, she continued to sleep with two guys (Guy 1 and Guy 2) she had previously been involved with. This occurred just before we became exclusive and while we were still dating.

2. Around three months after we became exclusive, she slept with a guy (Guy 3) she met online. Despite not knowing him well, she decided to meet him for lunch and ended up sleeping with him. She covered this up and only admitted it recently.

3. She consistently communicated with strangers online, proposing and agreeing to meet up with them. While she claims nothing physical happened, her history of lying makes me doubt her honesty. This behavior occurred multiple times throughout our relationship.

4. In 2019, before I moved to her city, she met up with some guys she used to see, claiming nothing physical happened.

5. Also in 2019, her cheating escalated. She had a booty call with Guy 1, someone she had been involved with in the past.

6. She met up with and slept with another guy (Guy 4) multiple times in early 2019, right before I moved. She even attended a rave with him and took drugs. She continued meeting up with him after I moved, which was particularly hurtful.

7. One night, she got drunk and slept with an ex-coworker (Guy 5) with whom she had been consistently communicating throughout 2018 and 2019. She claimed this was a one-time event and covered it up, only admitting it recently.

8. In 2019, after I bought her a new sports car for her birthday, she immediately contacted Guy 1 and slept with him. She continued communicating with him about meeting up again, though she claims nothing else happened, but she deleted most of the evidence.

9. Before I moved, she slept with a guy friend (Guy 6) who was also liked by her best friend. I later met this friend, and we got along, which now makes me feel foolish. While Guy 6 didn’t tell me about their encounter, he later distanced himself from her out of respect for me, or so she says.

10. Throughout 2020, a guy (Guy 7) she met on Facebook blatantly expressed his interest in sleeping with her. She agreed and drove to his house to cheat on me multiple times. She didn’t hide her infidelity, agreeing to keep it private at his request. She also emotionally cheated, expressing things like “can’t wait to see you” and “I miss you.” She did this while I was under immense stress, which made it particularly hurtful. I have the most evidence of this incident as it’s the most recent, though I’m unsure if they actually met up in 2021, despite him continuing to message her.

11. Throughout our relationship, she communicated with countless guys on social media, too many for her to recall accurately, according to her.

12. She sent one nude to Guy 7 and other risky pictures to different guys. Again, I don’t know the full extent of this behavior.

This pattern of deception and trickle-truthing persisted, with her lying about everything even up until today. She deleted most of the evidence, so I can only rely on her word, though I suspect there’s much more I haven’t uncovered.

So, why didn’t I leave her after discovering all this? The main reason is that I loved her, and I believed everyone deserves a second chance. I also felt that I contributed to what happened. While she was clearly in the wrong, I thought she deserved another opportunity. Her reasons for cheating were as follows:

1. A need for attention, validation, and low self-esteem.

2. Insecurity about my past, lifestyle, and female friends, leading her to perceive me as a womanizer.

3. Suspicion that I was cheating on her, which fueled her actions out of spite, despite finding no evidence.

4. Fear of the intensity of her feelings for me.

5. Seeking comfort and control by turning to other men, feeling like she didn’t have the upper hand with me.

6. Fear of co-dependence, worrying I might leave her at any time, which I may have inadvertently reinforced during fights.

7. A lack of security in our relationship, for which I take responsibility. While I didn’t cheat or intend to, I continued talking platonically to female friends who might have had an interest in me, and I failed to provide her with the reassurance she needed.

After discovering her cheating, I committed to fixing the relationship by stopping outings, cutting off all female friends, and trying to show more emotions. I proposed to her because she wanted that security. We bought a house and moved in together full-time. However, I realize there are some things I can’t change to make her feel completely secure.

Recently, I discovered she’s reverting to her old ways, actively deleting evidence of her actions. After staying off social media for a year, she went back on, promising to keep it private but later making it public and messaging guys to meet up. With her deleting messages, I don’t know the full extent of her actions this time. We’re due to be married in two months, and we just returned from a holiday paid for by my parents, yet she’s still messaging other guys online.

I’m now calling off the engagement, but I find myself conflicted and swayed by my feelings. I don’t have clarity on the situation, so I would really appreciate your thoughts and feedback on what’s happening. I’m really conflicted.

I understand how stupid this maybe and the answer should be obvious by I think my judgement is severely clouded at this point and would like some feedback on what actions I should take.

TL;DR: Engaged for 7 years, I recently discovered my fiancée has been cheating on me with multiple guys throughout our relationship. Despite giving her a second chance and making significant changes to improve our relationship, she's reverted to her old ways, actively deleting evidence and messaging other men. With our wedding two months away, I'm conflicted and considering calling off the engagement, seeking advice on what to do.

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She suddenly started treating me like a stranger

For background - I am 19 years old, found a job, night shifts to be specific, and soon after I met a girl there. Things at first were doing fine, I would take a bus to work, we were always taking the same bus as she lives close to me. I remember that I was first to initiate this so called "relationship", I mean - I approached her first, began with some small talk, but pretty soon after I noticed we had really nice conversations, even she used to talk to me first as we were meeting on the bus a couple times, was asking me if she could see me off, and viceversa.

No matter if she was tired or not, she just wanted to keep up the conversation, we used to return home together on foot as we were leaving the bus. It was all okay until... it wasn't. First week since we met it was all fine, but I can't say the same thing about the second. Suddenly, I stopped seeing her in a bus, although we had the same shift at work. It wasn't a big deal for me as of course, she could have taken yet another bus.

Things started getting weird when I was returning from work. Instead of her approaching me after shift, she would see me at a stop and then stand a few meters turning away, without saying anything. Eventually, we were taking the same bus back home. But... she started to treat me like a stranger. She didn't really care if I sat next to her or not, not even mentioning about talking about anything. At first I was like: okay, I get it, we don't need to talk over and over, but this time there was such an odd feeling - like, we're not talking because we need some time for ourselves, but rather - we don't talk, because she doesn't like me. The weirdest part was when we were getting off the bus as we were going home. She suddenly chose the other door, walked away from me without exchanging a word, not even a single "bye" or "goodnight", just as if two strangers were going with the same bus.

Next time we were going home was even more bizarre. She just suddenly got off on a different stop, and said she has to go, just without any reason. I remember that earlier she used to tell me some details, it really used to look like she cared about me. I don't really know what to think about it, did she just get bored with me or no longer wants to meet me. I noticed that first she picks a seat but doesn't really care if I sit close to her or not, she's just rushing to a seat, not looking if I am with her or not. I used to sit close to her anyway, just to return together, not necessarily to talk about something. Maybe this is what she found uncomfortable?

Throughout the years I learned how to read people's emotions but it seems like a no advantage to me sometimes. I started making scenarios in my head, I stopped sleeping well, started feeling like sh*t at work. I feel like she no longer cares about me, or even worse, no longer wants to know me. Right now I don't have enough time to talk with her about it - as I get to work I don't see her, while waiting for the bus on the way home she doesn't want to talk or ignores me. Not only that, we also finish on different hours sometimes.

What's also weird, from approachable and talkative person she suddenly turned into "introvert", said she likes travelling alone.

While working we hardly ever talk, since it's a physical work and we don't have time.

Before someone says "she needs time", I want to say that if we really had good time together she would probably tell me that she needs it. Otherwise, she just no longer wants to know me. Currently I have no idea and have really bad feelings that keep me away from falling asleep, that's why I'm typing this. If you guys were in similar situation just let me know how to deal with it. Honestly, I don't want to be some sort of desperate so I am going to wait a while for some advice or when my mood gets better. Usually, when something is wrong, I trust my intuition (but I have to admit that I first deny my intuition, just to have some doubts in case and not to judge too quickly), which often doesn't fail or eventually I am absolutely mistaken. I talked to my best friend about it, he said that it's just my view on that and doesn't have to be true, and I shouldn't give someone a label.

"Just move on" - hard to say it to a person that makes strong bonds with newly met people I had a great talk with and will meet them multiple times. Probably that says a lot about me.

Seriously, I don't know if my mind is just playing with me or just gives me a subtle warning that something is wrong. If you read all this, just thanks. Right now I'm trying to get to sleep. Feel free to ask questions <3

TL;DR - I met a girl at work, firstly had long and nice conversations, used to get the same bus, but suddenly she started avoiding me for some reason, before and after work. I seriously doubt if she still likes me.

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Very long, possibly NSFW - was she with her boss & my friend?

I’d love to get a perspective from both males and females on this. It’s a little long and these events happened some time ago, but I’ve just recalled them. This is a two parter. None of the names are real. I’m gonna put rough dates in place to keep track of things.

I'm also open to DM if you don't want to post an opinion publicly, but I would REALLY like some feedback.

The reason I’m writing this is I’ve started to remember some things and they’re in my head & I’m finding them incredible hot to think about (like continuously, but it’s driving me nuts). I was going to break it into two parts but they’re kind of intertwined in the timeline so I have to keep it together. Sorry, it’s long.

2022

Two years ago. I was going through a bit of a breakdown. Covid lockdowns were going on, I was suffering from depression & anxiety, I was off sick from work. I was aware a mutual friend of ours (childhood friend of hers) was going through some stuff as I’d heard she was also off long term sick. This friend (KATE), called in one day while she was not here, kids are in school & I opened the door & was surprised that she was there & told her Maria wasn’t home, she said she knew and wanted to talk to me, I invited her in & made her a coffee with some small talk & then she came out with I need to tell you something…. Kate had divorced a year earlier & we were both supportive to her. Her & Maria had several nights out when covid lockdowns were lifted both drowning sorrows & later getting her back on the scene. No problems with this at all, in fact I encouraged it. Maria would tell me when guys chatted her up or bought her drinks and it’s an insane turn on to hear other guys are interested in & find your wife as sexy as you do.

So Kate starts to tell me about something that happened with someone she was seeing that resulted in her being off work sick. I told her that I wasn’t comfortable knowing this on my own, and could she tell Maria, or could I tell her, she said she already knew and had known for about four months. Maria hadn’t said a word & I never suspected that she knew anything. I said it to her later and she was surprised Kate had told me and said she had asked her not to tell anyone, including me. So at that moment I realised, Maria is great at keeping secrets. What else did I not know. So I asked her, she said she tells me everything apart from a couple of times when she had bought herself some stuff at full price & told me it was on sale & there was one time when her & Kate were out & she was playing wingwoman and this guy tried to kiss her but she pushed him away and told him she was married. She didn’t say anything because she didn’t want me to think she wasn’t safe…

Now Maria is fun loving, great looking, and funny. The second I saw her, I fell in love with her & knew we’d get married someday. Now myself, I’m kind of a funny guy, but I was punching way above my weight with her. I mean she was stunning, while I was a slightly overweight badly dressed geeky type guy.

Back then I was Peter Griffin to her Lois :) Fast forward a couple of years and she’s been struggling with her weight & I’ve actually lost some and started looking after myself. She put on about 34 lbs and I lost about 40. Although her face is rounder these days, she’s still stunning, I’ve kind of grown into my face, less round, little saggy but I’d now see myself as handsome whereas I never did. Her body is more renaissance painting than barbie like, but she’s had kids & for a number of years we both kind of let ourselves go, just sitting around eating and drinking. We’re both doing something about it now, but my results have been a lot faster than hers.

Now for the rewind…

1996

For a little backstory & qualification, when I met my wife (MARIA) she was almost 20 & I had just turned 25. She was a knockout then as she is now.

It took her a little longer. We went on a couple of dates and she wasn’t really feeling it, but I guess at some point something kind of clicked with her. I’d just come back from travelling & was living at home, she hadn’t yet moved out. I’d been with a couple of other women before while she had only been intimate with one guy when she was about 17, but hadn’t had sex with him - she told me it went as far as both of them going down on each other & hands, but she didn’t like him going down on her. We ended up sleeping together after seven weeks, so I guess I was doing something right. Although she didn’t like the idea of me going down on her so it didn’t happen.

Life went on. We went on… holidays together etc, after two years I asked her to marry me & she said no, she was enjoying herself too much to settle down… this happened every so often, we bought a house together & the fifth time I asked her, I told her that as I was now in my 30s, and had a home with her, if she still didn’t want to get married, I was totally ok with that, we’d be together forever but I didn’t want to keep getting turned down and so probably wouldn’t ask again. She organised everything and we ended up married eight months later… kids and life journey etc. ups & downs etc but that’s life anyway, it’s not a straight line & there’s highs and lows.. we’re happy.

1997

Shortly after we got together, she got a job in a young small company in a very exciting industry, it was all parties & openings and launches and nights out. I met the people that she worked with & they were all great, guys & girls all great energy & nice people. The guy who owned the company (JOHN) was a really interesting dude. unnbelieveibly charismatic, not traditionally good looking, but handsome & well dressed and funny & interesting. She worked in one role and partially as his assistant. Some of the nights I went out with them, and some I didn’t. She still works there and has risen up through the company. There’s only about five or six oof the original ones left and the company has grown to quite a large international company & she’s quite high up in it now.

Early on, I told her of my best friend (GAVIN) who lives abroad, back then there was no Facebook, or email or video calling. (I feel old). My friend and I used to call to shoot the breeze every two or three weeks. He lived a very exotic lifestyle, had a different girl every time we talked, good looking, dated models, worked in an industry that was glam and lived the lifestyle. They talked a couple of these times on the phone, mutual fun slagging off of me in jest etc), I’d sent him a photo of the two of us, but the only one I had of him was him dimly lit in the background of a party where I met him). I should mention. He’s from here too, just emigrated many years ago. I grew up with him.

1998

One day, he called me to tell me he was coming home to surprise his little brother for his birthday & asked if I’d pick him up, drop him off and we could all go out that night. So we went to pick him up & they got to meet in person for the first time. He hugs me, then her & then she pushes him back, holding onto him and say “Oh my god, you’re Sarah’s ex…. He looked surprised and said “Sarah (surname)??? How’d you know that?” Turns out an old teenage friend of hers had gone out with him for a couple of weeks months when they were about 13/14. Different parts of the city, but they had all met up, group of guys, group of girls a couple of times…. so as it happened, he met her before I did. I dropped him of & we all went out & hung out that night and a couple more times before he went home. The night before he went, we were hanging out & he said to us, we should come stay with him next year for our vacation. She’d never been there and we thought that’s a great idea…

Now the rewind…. Bear in mind, I’m remembering this some time after the events and my recollections may not be accurate

1999

We go visit him. He brings us out to some of the hottest clubs and bars in town. He only had a couple of beers because he was driving, but we were on vacation so had many more. We head back to his 1 bed (he’d got a futon in the living room for us), and crack open a couple of beers to finish off the night. It’s around 2am, he’s up at 6 for work, we’re jet-lagged, but we’re having great fun. I made the mistake of sitting on the futon, I should have stayed standing because jet lag and drunkenness kick in and I find myself drifting off but still aware of the conversation going on, they’re talking about his current girlfriend who’s columbian, very exotic, and passionate but he says she’s only for now, there’s nothing there, he prefers someone else, at this point, I black out, I stir briefly some time after, open my eyes and they’re having a whisky I pass out again. I wake briefly again, unfinished whisky glasses on the counter & no sign of them, I figure he’s gone to bed and she’s either in the loo or beside me but I don’t have the energy to roll over to check. Look at watch, 5:15. Close eyes & wake again at 11:30am. He’s gone to work a while (left a note, she’s still crashed out & at some point, I or someone got me undressed.

I put on coffee & jump in the shower, when I get out she’s having breakfast wearing my t-shirt from yesterday (super sexy look), and we end up having sex on the futon (they’re not made for sex). We head off for the day, get home, he’s making dinner, we talk and go for a swim in his pool etc.. Days went on like this, we meet his girlfriend, she’s very hot. One night they have an argument & split, no big deal, he was only seeing her six weeks or so. So we spend the next week and a half doing our thing while he’s working & hanging out together when he’s not. One day he’s not in the best mood. He can be kind of deep, and he’s very quiet. This goes on for hours, out of the blue Maria asks (kind of annoyed) Do you want us to go get a hotel? And he says no, it’s him, just feeling off and we’re only there for another couple of days. So we stay & everything is grand. Drops us at the airport, hugs & we head home. Great trip

Me & Maria are doing great, we start saving for a house, she keeps turning me down, life is generally good.

2000

She goes out on one of her work nights, I go out with my friends, but texts me about three am, asks can I stay at yours? Sure, get a cab, she turns up and I greet her, she’s pretty well on. Not messy, but well on. I ask if she’s ok, she says she did something really dumb & doesn’t want to go to her parents, I ask what it was & he hesitates for a second & then says someone was passing round a brownie & it got to me and I ate the whole thing and I was supposed to pass it round and I don’t know and kind of freaking out, so I hug her, tell her to get into m bed and then stay up all night watching her in case she gets sick, she ok the following morning, subdued but otherwise not sick or anything.

2001

We go see Gavin again. He has a long term girlfriend now & we meet her & she’s awesome (in fact they’re married to this day). Another great trip. We meet some of their friends and go to some of their parties. Really jealous of the lifestyle. We’ve got our first house and are living together a year at this point (about three months after the previous entry). we’re at one particular party & a couple of people including me end up naked in the pool, everyone is dancing, Gavin is drunk & sitting down in the chair we dumbed our stuff when we got back to the house for the party. The two girls are up dancing with about ten other people. People are in the pool, I’m howling off & looking for my clothes, others are standing around drinking. This trip is awesome. I had a video camera (remember those) and am capturing everything, it’s really a great time.

Time goes on, they get married, we get married, they have kids, we have kids, Maria gets promotions & is rising up through the ranks, I change jobs a couple of times, we have ups & downs. I’ve always had a very high sex drive, her less so, this did lead to arguments & unfair demands on my part for which I’m truly sorry. She was tired & didn’t feel good about herself and I still made demands on her to satisfy myself. I probably jerked off every day in addition to wanting sex, it was not a good time for her. Even though she had put on weight I still find her extremely sexy & attractive, but sexually she would start to shut down on me, refusals and then telling me there was something wrong with me & refusing to discuss things. To this day, even though she would flash her boobs at me when we were out no matter where we were, she was always kind of prudish, only let me start going down on her ten years ago or so, which she loves now (so many wasted years), I’ve never finished from a HJ or BJ from her (finds cum distasteful - literally).

We’re recovering now, I’m going out of my way to be better for her, date nights, massages (with no expectations), flowers. We get intimate about twice a week in some way. I want to do the mojo upgrade thing with her but am afraid to bring it up in case she thinks I’m weird. She has said many times she doesn’t have any fantasies and is very vanilla, I don’t think I have any either but would be more experimental thinking. There’s stuff I’d like to try, but afraid to bring it up with her for what she’s think of me. I also, because of this stuff going on, thin I might have unlocked a kink or started a kink or developed an interest….

Fast Forward…

2020

I’m on medication for depression & anxiety (stuff going on in work getting to me as well as struggling financially), it’s causing the most vivid full colour 8K dreams you can imagine. Some of them are sexual, some of them are terrifying. On the frightening ones, I end up waking in the middle of the night in a panic & have to calm down before going asleep. In the sexual ones, I’ve woken up having ejaculated in my sleep (wet dreams from teenage years are back). These dreams include Gavin & his wife & other friends of ours and sometimes co-workers of both of ours.

I find some old video cassette from back in the early 2000s in the attic. Long forgotten, I start going through them and discover a moment in one of them where I was recording at that party sitting down. Taking it all in, then zoomed in on the two girls dancing. And then held it on them but mostly Maria for a couple of minutes, she’s dancing sexily with his girlfriend, but facing the camera the whole time & then while Gavin’s girlfriend was turned the other way, she flashed her boobs it zoomed in. I didn’t remember taking it & figured I was drunk, then a couple of minutes later, I walked in from the pool, so it was Gavin who was recording…. I wrote it off as everyone being drunk and having fun but to was also really really hot knowing she had flashed him.

Flash Forward…

2024

We’re out a couple of weeks ago, we had a nice meal and then some drinks and are having great time, we’re really getting on well & reconnecting. To this day, I still can’t believe she chose me. There’s guys looking at her, it’s hot, she’s a stunning looking woman.

We’re talking about some work stuff & she tells me that at last year’s Xmas party her boss John got really drunk and confided in her that he’d been going for happy ending massages because his marriage is a dead bedroom and had been for years. Over the years John had been with and slept with several of the women who had worked for him. I asked her was she ever upset that he’d never come on to her & she hesitated for a split second and said that about six years ago at another of their nights out, he got really drunk (does that a lot), so much so, that she called him a cab, got his coat and went to wait with him for the car to get him home, while waiting, he made a pass at him and she brushed him off… she’d never told me this (great at secrets), but instead of feeling annoyed, it felt hot. I asked her if she would have slept with him and she laughed and said no, I’m married (fake shock). I asked her if there was no chance of getting caught, or there were no consequences, would she & she considered the question, said I do think I missed out getting with you so young & inexperienced, I agreed and said that I wished she had experienced life and other people and probably sex more before we met (but then would we have met? Real sliding doors moment right there).

So now I’ve these events going over in my head, I find it incredibly arousing that others find my wife sexy & attractive even all these years later.

I’m not going anywhere and neither is she, we love each other and it’s so long ago, it doesn’t make any difference anyway as we’re still together, I’m also not going to call anything out about it to my friend or her boss, as there’s no point.

I do feel sorry for her that she only ever experienced one guy & I’m prepared to offer her a hall pass should the situation arise for her in the future if she wants to pursue it

TLDR - She possibly hooked up with her boss a couple of times and my best friend.

Questions:

1. I do find it hot, but should I offer her a hall pass?
2. Why am I so turned on about it?
3. What do you think happened with each guy if anything?
4. Is it all in my head?

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My girlfriend said the most awful things unprovoked while drunk

My girlfriend said the most awful things unprovoked while drunk

My (28F) girlfriend and I (30M) just moved in together after being long distance for some time. We are both single parents. The beginning of our relationship was amazing, but about 3 months in she sort of pulled away.

Honestly I couldn't tell if it was a love bombing thing or reality setting in that this was getting serious and a move would be involved at some point. It was still obvious she was head over heels in love with me, but the dynamic had changed. Frequency of sex dropped off hard, the fun and flirty vibe was replaced with a serious only one, she went from being very touchy feely to not wanting to be touched at all.

Since we were long distance we used to sext and flirt a lot, that dropped off. She said she couldn't explain why she was feeling the way she was but in other ways behaved otherwise like a woman that was very much head over heels in love with me. I chocked all this up to the very reasonable stress that was related to the coming move and did my best to not take it personally. All of these details are relevant.

Yesterday I came home from work and she was pretty tipsy. We were playful with each other, worked on unpacking, and had about a 2 hour chat. She initiated some really intense sex that I obviously enjoyed. She's never really been in to aftercare but l'm a lover and I want to cuddle and chat afterwards for a bit. She tends to want to roll over and sleep.

We cuddled for a bit before she pushed me off of her and started talking nonsense. Something about what she needed to visit Europe and get through airport security, how she hates America, and how everything is a scam. It was very odd and I figured it was the alcohol taking even though she had been otherwise coherent. I played al with her for a bit and told her l'd make her a tinfoil hat .. that's when she went off the deep end.

She told me she didn't love me, didn't want to be my girlfriend, wanted to move back home, wanted everyone to fuck off and go back to it just being her and her daughter, said she only pretended to love me because she wanted her daughter to have a father but has changed her mind, that my touch repulses her and she's disgusted by me and she has to force herself to initiate intimacy with me and started crying. I honestly thought she was having the drunk sads and maybe a bit of a breakdown but she insisted she wasn't saying any of this because she's drunk and she means every word of it. She told me l was a huge red flag for asking more about her life story. I told her I wouldn't be spoken to like this and went to sleep on the couch.

I've always gone out of my way to be thoughtful of her, make sure she feels beautiful and loved, do small meaningful things for her, and I love her daughter like my own. I'm genuinely dumbfounded as to where all of this came from and I don't know if I can continue in the relationship. There's never been any signs of any of this kind of thing coming and I've been nothing short of kind and compassionate to her.

Do I chock this up to some kind of stressed induced mental breakdown fueled by alcohol or do I take the verbal and emotional abuse at face value and walk away before it gets worse?

TL;DR my gf got drunk and started verbally abusing me completely unprovoked

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* This article was originally published here

Rejected By best friend but still like him.

I got rejected by my best friend a few months ago, he said he respected me too much and that he wouldn’t date me because the last time he did date his best friend it ended horribly. (I know it was a nice way for him to reject me) He told me that after he said no that I would probably get over it, and that it was just a phase and that my brain decided that because he treated me nicely I liked him. Which is probably why, but I still like him which is the problem. Ive liked gim for 2 years and im embarrassed to tell him that its longer than a week 😭I have one class with him this year and he would always keep eye contact with me and crack jokes mid class. He sits In front of me and often has his elbow at my desk. These feelings I have are still there, and they won’t leave. There are other small things that he does that are sweet but I don’t know if it’s him being friendly or what? I really need help on how to get over this. 😭😭 I respect him so much and I don’t want us to ruin our friendship over this.

TLDR: my best friend rejected me 2 months ago very nicely, but I still like him, he thinks ive liked him for a week when it’s more like 2 years.He does small things like putting his elbow on my desk during class and keeping eye contact with me and talking to me more than usual, how do I get over him?

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* This article was originally published here

Yung Miami Says Diddy Never Abused Her During Their Relationship + Believes Romance Was Beneficial For Both Of Them - TheJasmineBrand

Yung Miami Says Diddy Never Abused Her During Their Relationship + Believes Romance Was Beneficial For Both Of Them  TheJasmineBrand

* This article was originally published here

[28M] My Height Disproportionately Affects My Ability to Date and I Need Perspective

I'm located in the United States, I'm 5'5 and Black. I don't generally ask for advice on things like this because mostly people give advice that makes them feel better about how they view the world, but is fail to engage with the actual point. Like if I said, "I think I'm being excluded from the social circle at work because I'm Black" telling me to be more confident would be both dumb and offensive. Similarly, talking about individual stories of success doesn't really get at the larger systemic issue. That being said, this is definitely a thing, and it's definitely a strong cultural norm and preference than an innate biological one. I've been to around 16 countries and this is only a thing in the United States and Europe. I have trouble understanding it, but I've isolated like the other factors in my life and gone back through my interactions for the past few years of my life to figure out if there are any other factors that could be hindering. It's definitely not my style because I get complimented on my outfits every time I go outside. It's definitely not level of fitness because I am definitionally more fit than 96 percent of people. It could be that people think I'm arrogant if I talk about my life honestly without trying to be self-deprecating, but on observation of how other talk about themselves the way I speak about myself isn't out of the norm. I'm also generally regarded as funny by my peers, and someone who can confided in by my subordinates. I'm a bit gruff on account of competing in combat nationally in college. I usually go the extra mile to make people feel both heard and understood, if they are someone I know is sensitive. Otherwise I will still help, but I won't be nice. I have my own experiences, but specifically what I'm looking for can fall into a few categories:

1. Selection: I have a few preferences at things that point towards a person's general work ethic and being able to keep up with me. I have generally fuzzier edges on things like physical attraction. I have no hardline preference for like height, race, or hair color. I measure by general fitness and not by weight. So if you're generally athletic but carry a few extra pounds, that's fine with me and also I can't deal with people who are ultra religious, or Conservatives. I had one instance in my freshman year of college, where I got set up on a date with a woman who was 6'1, and I acted weird because I thought I looked like a child next to her. Afterwards, I felt intense shame because that wasn't consistent with the type of person I wanted to be so I reoriented the way I perceive attraction, so I no longer have that particular weakness. My assumptions are that these are reasonable standards to have based on my personal values and traits I find admiral in people. Here, I am looking for feedback on selecting partners and people that I should pursue, within reason. Talk about what kinds of people you have seen dating shorter people.
2. Location: I think choosing location is important for finding partners. I am smart and charismatic. I am at a disadvantage at online dating and loud bars where people are judging largely based on looks, the other people there are 18-24, and where it is hard to hear. I am at an advantage in places like libraries, cafes, museums, art installations, and physical events that let you have down time like events at the park. If you have short friends who have done well with dating in the United States, where have they been successful. I am asking this question to understand if people have had success at places where I've struggled and if there are other places where I could be successful that I haven't considered. I've found that meet ups for a hobbies aren't particularly effective.
3. Connections: Women generally do not recommend short men to their friends. So it's fine to be friends with women, but with a clear understanding of the lack of utility those relationships will provide towards this specific case. I do not date anyone through work, that's a disaster waiting to happen. My family are first-generation immigrants so I don't have an extended network to draw on. Also while my family is quite wealthy, money isolates. I move states every 10 months for work, so my options in terms of friendships delivering for me are negligible. What I am looking for here is if you know anyone who is my height or shorter and in my age range (1993-2001) who was able to use connections to find someone.
4. Intangibles: These are things like chemistry, commonality, body language, shared history and interests. I'll reiterate, the go to the gym is not good advice for me I already go and for me putting on more muscles trends towards body builder territory. I have always been an athlete, I am extremely confident in the capabilities of my body and I go dancing every weekend. Areas where I struggle to connect with people, I am a first generation immigrant and struggle to connect with most Americans on shared cultural background stuff. I grew up Rich, I struggle to connect with people of a lower socioeconomic class at times. I have ADHD, at times struggle to put myself into the shoes of people who do not. According to others, I am funny. Like insanely funny. I do self-deprecating jokes about my behavior, but not about my appearance. In the past I've had 3 girlfriends for about a year, all were from online. None were from dating apps. The sites that I used to find them actively discourage dating or giving out contact information and it was a pandemic/post-pandemic happenstance that we decided to break the rules.

TL:DR I need dating perspective because I am short and Black in a country that denigrates both of those things. I am not insecure about my height, but recognize the social stigma around it.

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* This article was originally published here