Hi everyone,
I'm using a throwaway account for privacy reasons, but I’ve been a long-time Reddit user. This post might be lengthy as I want to present a fair and clear picture of our relationship from my perspective. I’d greatly appreciate your opinions and feedback as we're at a critical juncture.
I’m 32M, and my partner is 29F. We’ve been dating for 7 years and are scheduled to marry in September. I come from a relatively wealthy family and am running a fledgling business. My partner also hails from a well-off family and works a stable, low-demand job. While not wealthy, we live comfortably in our own home with a large yard and a dog we both adore.
However, our relationship has significant challenges. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and struggle with shallow emotions, avoidant behavior, and hyper-independence, likely due to my upbringing. I suspect I might have psychopathic tendencies due to my blunted emotions, but I am high-functioning and treat those close to me with kindness. Before this relationship, I had only one other serious relationship, which was shallow and lasted 2 years when I was 18.
My partner was diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies as a teenager, and we suspect she has histrionic personality disorder. She is anxiously attached, fears being alone, has severe self-esteem issues, and compulsively lies due to past traumas and childhood experiences. Her past relationships, including a marriage that ended because her ex-husband was closeted, were toxic.
We’re both fairly attractive and don’t have much trouble attracting attention from the opposite sex, though I avoid social media while my partner is active on it. Our relationship started with a strong connection. I knew early on that I wanted a life with her. We quickly became exclusive after dating for 4 months, even though I was already committed from the start.
We were in a semi-long-distance relationship at first, living in different cities. We met weekly, alternating visits, and stayed in daily contact, expressing love consistently. We gave each other space and trust; I never checked her phone and respected her autonomy, though, in hindsight, I noticed some early red flags.
Things went smoothly for about a year and a half before I moved to her city, leaving behind my friends and family. This was entirely my choice, though she was willing to move for me if needed. During this time, we had no issues progressing our relationship, and I was happy and in love. I covered most of the expenses, including holidays, as I was earning significantly more, but I was content because we enjoyed our time together.
After moving in together, I continued to cover most expenses, but she started contributing more. Moving in was generally smooth, though there were minor adjustments. Our relationship continued to progress well, and we both made friends in the new city. However, I noticed she became increasingly absorbed in social media, posting frequently about our holidays and dinners. Sometimes, she focused more on her social media than on me during our time together. She also posted revealing pictures, which I now see as a red flag, but at the time, I overlooked it.
From late 2019 through 2020, things began to unravel. COVID had a significant impact on my professional life, and I went through a particularly tough time. I withdrew into myself, becoming cold and distant, which affected our relationship. While I was preoccupied with my own issues, my partner also withdrew, though she didn’t make much effort to support me during this period.
By early 2021, our relationship had become strained, with frequent fights. As things started improving for me, I tried to make up for the past year by buying her a bag she had wanted for her birthday in 2020. However, a lingering feeling of unease led me to check her computer while she was out, and I discovered she had been both emotionally and physically cheating on me throughout 2020.
This revelation devastated me, but she begged me to stay, apologizing profusely. I confronted her, and during our argument, she immediately deleted her Instagram and other message threads without my consent, raising suspicions about the extent of her cheating. She admitted to some of it but consistently lied about the details, leading to months of fights where I continued to uncover more instances of her infidelity. She has a history of only admitting to things when there is evidence.
In summary, her cheating was extensive, spanning our entire three years together. Much of the evidence has been deleted, so I can’t confirm the full extent, though I suspect there’s more she hasn’t admitted to. My gut feeling tells me I still don’t know the whole truth.
1. After we met, she continued to sleep with two guys (Guy 1 and Guy 2) she had previously been involved with. This occurred just before we became exclusive and while we were still dating.
2. Around three months after we became exclusive, she slept with a guy (Guy 3) she met online. Despite not knowing him well, she decided to meet him for lunch and ended up sleeping with him. She covered this up and only admitted it recently.
3. She consistently communicated with strangers online, proposing and agreeing to meet up with them. While she claims nothing physical happened, her history of lying makes me doubt her honesty. This behavior occurred multiple times throughout our relationship.
4. In 2019, before I moved to her city, she met up with some guys she used to see, claiming nothing physical happened.
5. Also in 2019, her cheating escalated. She had a booty call with Guy 1, someone she had been involved with in the past.
6. She met up with and slept with another guy (Guy 4) multiple times in early 2019, right before I moved. She even attended a rave with him and took drugs. She continued meeting up with him after I moved, which was particularly hurtful.
7. One night, she got drunk and slept with an ex-coworker (Guy 5) with whom she had been consistently communicating throughout 2018 and 2019. She claimed this was a one-time event and covered it up, only admitting it recently.
8. In 2019, after I bought her a new sports car for her birthday, she immediately contacted Guy 1 and slept with him. She continued communicating with him about meeting up again, though she claims nothing else happened, but she deleted most of the evidence.
9. Before I moved, she slept with a guy friend (Guy 6) who was also liked by her best friend. I later met this friend, and we got along, which now makes me feel foolish. While Guy 6 didn’t tell me about their encounter, he later distanced himself from her out of respect for me, or so she says.
10. Throughout 2020, a guy (Guy 7) she met on Facebook blatantly expressed his interest in sleeping with her. She agreed and drove to his house to cheat on me multiple times. She didn’t hide her infidelity, agreeing to keep it private at his request. She also emotionally cheated, expressing things like “can’t wait to see you” and “I miss you.” She did this while I was under immense stress, which made it particularly hurtful. I have the most evidence of this incident as it’s the most recent, though I’m unsure if they actually met up in 2021, despite him continuing to message her.
11. Throughout our relationship, she communicated with countless guys on social media, too many for her to recall accurately, according to her.
12. She sent one nude to Guy 7 and other risky pictures to different guys. Again, I don’t know the full extent of this behavior.
This pattern of deception and trickle-truthing persisted, with her lying about everything even up until today. She deleted most of the evidence, so I can only rely on her word, though I suspect there’s much more I haven’t uncovered.
So, why didn’t I leave her after discovering all this? The main reason is that I loved her, and I believed everyone deserves a second chance. I also felt that I contributed to what happened. While she was clearly in the wrong, I thought she deserved another opportunity. Her reasons for cheating were as follows:
1. A need for attention, validation, and low self-esteem.
2. Insecurity about my past, lifestyle, and female friends, leading her to perceive me as a womanizer.
3. Suspicion that I was cheating on her, which fueled her actions out of spite, despite finding no evidence.
4. Fear of the intensity of her feelings for me.
5. Seeking comfort and control by turning to other men, feeling like she didn’t have the upper hand with me.
6. Fear of co-dependence, worrying I might leave her at any time, which I may have inadvertently reinforced during fights.
7. A lack of security in our relationship, for which I take responsibility. While I didn’t cheat or intend to, I continued talking platonically to female friends who might have had an interest in me, and I failed to provide her with the reassurance she needed.
After discovering her cheating, I committed to fixing the relationship by stopping outings, cutting off all female friends, and trying to show more emotions. I proposed to her because she wanted that security. We bought a house and moved in together full-time. However, I realize there are some things I can’t change to make her feel completely secure.
Recently, I discovered she’s reverting to her old ways, actively deleting evidence of her actions. After staying off social media for a year, she went back on, promising to keep it private but later making it public and messaging guys to meet up. With her deleting messages, I don’t know the full extent of her actions this time. We’re due to be married in two months, and we just returned from a holiday paid for by my parents, yet she’s still messaging other guys online.
I’m now calling off the engagement, but I find myself conflicted and swayed by my feelings. I don’t have clarity on the situation, so I would really appreciate your thoughts and feedback on what’s happening. I’m really conflicted.
I understand how stupid this maybe and the answer should be obvious by I think my judgement is severely clouded at this point and would like some feedback on what actions I should take.
TL;DR: Engaged for 7 years, I recently discovered my fiancée has been cheating on me with multiple guys throughout our relationship. Despite giving her a second chance and making significant changes to improve our relationship, she's reverted to her old ways, actively deleting evidence and messaging other men. With our wedding two months away, I'm conflicted and considering calling off the engagement, seeking advice on what to do.
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* This article was originally published here
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