I'm located in the United States, I'm 5'5 and Black. I don't generally ask for advice on things like this because mostly people give advice that makes them feel better about how they view the world, but is fail to engage with the actual point. Like if I said, "I think I'm being excluded from the social circle at work because I'm Black" telling me to be more confident would be both dumb and offensive. Similarly, talking about individual stories of success doesn't really get at the larger systemic issue. That being said, this is definitely a thing, and it's definitely a strong cultural norm and preference than an innate biological one. I've been to around 16 countries and this is only a thing in the United States and Europe. I have trouble understanding it, but I've isolated like the other factors in my life and gone back through my interactions for the past few years of my life to figure out if there are any other factors that could be hindering. It's definitely not my style because I get complimented on my outfits every time I go outside. It's definitely not level of fitness because I am definitionally more fit than 96 percent of people. It could be that people think I'm arrogant if I talk about my life honestly without trying to be self-deprecating, but on observation of how other talk about themselves the way I speak about myself isn't out of the norm. I'm also generally regarded as funny by my peers, and someone who can confided in by my subordinates. I'm a bit gruff on account of competing in combat nationally in college. I usually go the extra mile to make people feel both heard and understood, if they are someone I know is sensitive. Otherwise I will still help, but I won't be nice. I have my own experiences, but specifically what I'm looking for can fall into a few categories:
- Selection: I have a few preferences at things that point towards a person's general work ethic and being able to keep up with me. I have generally fuzzier edges on things like physical attraction. I have no hardline preference for like height, race, or hair color. I measure by general fitness and not by weight. So if you're generally athletic but carry a few extra pounds, that's fine with me and also I can't deal with people who are ultra religious, or Conservatives. I had one instance in my freshman year of college, where I got set up on a date with a woman who was 6'1, and I acted weird because I thought I looked like a child next to her. Afterwards, I felt intense shame because that wasn't consistent with the type of person I wanted to be so I reoriented the way I perceive attraction, so I no longer have that particular weakness. My assumptions are that these are reasonable standards to have based on my personal values and traits I find admiral in people. Here, I am looking for feedback on selecting partners and people that I should pursue, within reason. Talk about what kinds of people you have seen dating shorter people.
- Location: I think choosing location is important for finding partners. I am smart and charismatic. I am at a disadvantage at online dating and loud bars where people are judging largely based on looks, the other people there are 18-24, and where it is hard to hear. I am at an advantage in places like libraries, cafes, museums, art installations, and physical events that let you have down time like events at the park. If you have short friends who have done well with dating in the United States, where have they been successful. I am asking this question to understand if people have had success at places where I've struggled and if there are other places where I could be successful that I haven't considered. I've found that meet ups for a hobbies aren't particularly effective.
- Connections: Women generally do not recommend short men to their friends. So it's fine to be friends with women, but with a clear understanding of the lack of utility those relationships will provide towards this specific case. I do not date anyone through work, that's a disaster waiting to happen. My family are first-generation immigrants so I don't have an extended network to draw on. Also while my family is quite wealthy, money isolates. I move states every 10 months for work, so my options in terms of friendships delivering for me are negligible. What I am looking for here is if you know anyone who is my height or shorter and in my age range (1993-2001) who was able to use connections to find someone.
- Intangibles: These are things like chemistry, commonality, body language, shared history and interests. I'll reiterate, the go to the gym is not good advice for me I already go and for me putting on more muscles trends towards body builder territory. I have always been an athlete, I am extremely confident in the capabilities of my body and I go dancing every weekend. Areas where I struggle to connect with people, I am a first generation immigrant and struggle to connect with most Americans on shared cultural background stuff. I grew up Rich, I struggle to connect with people of a lower socioeconomic class at times. I have ADHD, at times struggle to put myself into the shoes of people who do not. According to others, I am funny. Like insanely funny. I do self-deprecating jokes about my behavior, but not about my appearance. In the past I've had 3 girlfriends for about a year, all were from online. None were from dating apps. The sites that I used to find them actively discourage dating or giving out contact information and it was a pandemic/post-pandemic happenstance that we decided to break the rules.
TL:DR I need dating perspective because I am short and Black in a country that denigrates both of those things. I am not insecure about my height, but recognize the social stigma around it.
[link] [comments]
* This article was originally published here
No comments:
Post a Comment