i (24f) feel like i’m turning my family against me because of my toxic mom (43f)

my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship since i can remember. we’ve definitely not been the best version of ourselves, but my really awful days were in my teen years and it stemmed from a lot of her emotional abuse and neglect. our constant fighting and inability to get along made it virtually impossible to have any sort of relationship, so i sought independence at 17 and didn’t talk to my family for nearly 4 years. that was a painful time in my life and i missed them the whole way, as i have siblings (21m, 15f, 13m) and i felt like a horrible sister for leaving them in the dust. my mom and i tried to reconcile a few times in those 4 years and it never worked out, i was still upset at her and she could never forgive me or recognize her own wrong doings.

flash forward to a few years ago, things start becoming more amicable and we start to talk again. i became a pretty present daughter as i tried to be there in any way i could for her and my siblings. this was by spending long hours on the phone, traveling down to see them often, paying for plane tickets and traveling during COVID (not ideal, but i felt it was necessary for me to keep this relationship). i helped pack for their move then, spent most my christmas break there, i stayed an entire summer more or less to help my siblings adjust to a new state, i took my siblings in during my first week at uni while my stepdad and her were fighting, the list goes on. essentially, it feels like there’s always been a crisis of some manner or them needing me to be a “responsible” daughter and come aid them. this wouldn’t typically be an issue, as i really do WANT to help.

the bigger issue lies in the fact that its never reciprocated and my life is never taken into consideration. i live 6 hours away, i am working two jobs and going to school, i have pets and responsibilities here, my own home. i have a lot of life to juggle here that depends on me being a very reliable person. i make a lot of time for others and would absolutely do that for my family, as i have many times in the past. but over the past year (and honestly for a lot of my life) she has made me run around to prove i care and that i’d drop anything. she also doesn’t show up for things or communicate with me for big things in my life, like birthdays, holidays, important events, etc. i would never call myself flaky, but i do try to set boundaries for when i really need to do things.

i let her know 4 weeks ago that i would have time off in the upcoming week, and would love to come see her and my siblings, but i had a new job and needed to plan things accordingly. she never responded for two weeks. then she was in the hospital, concerning head and stomach pains, which other people were around to take care of and i asked to be updated throughout. during this time she never responded to me, never reached out. then this morning i receive a text that i i should travel 4 hours away with a less than 10 hour notice for an event that’s important for my sibling (which i asked to be given a heads up on, they know his schedule far in advance, and he will likely have more of these events this year), and was told that she doesn’t ask a lot of me and i could cancel plans to be there during these stressful times for family.

i’m honestly just hurt. i want to go to support my sibling but i can’t let her keep disrespecting my time and life for it. i could maybe make it happen, but 1) it’d be a really tight fit into my weekend of plans i made far in advance, 2) gas prices are atrocious and i make $12/hr, and 3) i feel like i’m being guilted into something that i would have absolutely made time for and saved up for given even just a few days notice.

i don’t know what to do. how should i address this and should i continue to set boundaries?

tldr; my toxic mom is putting me in a last minute position to attend an event 4 hours away and i am not sure whether to go or set boundaries.

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* This article was originally published here

I want to end my relationship with emotionally distant boyfriend. He's been struggling with depression.

I began dating my boyfriend in 2019. At this point, I no longer see the future in our relationship. We are both worlds apart. Since March, we have only seen each other twice. He responds to my text messages only every few days, stating he’s been busy with work. We live in separate cities. I can’t tell his family has not been receptive to me in his life, considering our age difference. He never talks about our future or mentions any plans to move in together. Our bedroom is dead. Don’t remember when was the last time we had sex. Probably in 2020.

I don’t want to break up with him over the phone. He deserves a lot better than this. But I am scared He’s openly struggling with depression problems. I am afraid he might attempt and do something to himself. He was once married. His former wife cheated on him. He told me it is quite difficult for him to commit and he’s been fearful since then. It even took him a considerable amount of time to tell me he loves me. I bring up therapy as an option to him once in a while, but he tells me he doesn’t need it. He has also been struggling with substance issues. We once broke up over this when he put an edible into my food.

TL:DR: I fell out of love with my boyfriend. It doesn’t help that he’s been emotionally distancing himself from me for a while. I want to break up with him, but he struggles with severe depression. I don’t want his entire family coming after me.

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* This article was originally published here

Mismatched sex drive

I have been dating my [M23] gf [F24] for about 3 years. When I met her, she appeared to be a freaky gal. We would talk about sex all the time, even about other girls. Now, knowing her better, she was just trying to win me over... being "that" girl, one of the boys. We don't live together and we're both students. We see each other approximately 2-4 times a week, 1 time ALWAYS being at each other's house where we have sex every time. However, to me once a week is too little. To be worse, she NEVER initiates sex, I'm always the one who starts warming her up. She never casually touches me in a sexual manner. She never masturbates (literally never, not even once a month, that leading to her not knowing her body or her fetishes/fantasies). When we do have sex, it is great, I make her finish and she makes me finish. It's just, like a barrier. For her there's never a spontaneous start. It's always predetermined, on the weekends she'll come over and I will initiate it. Then we finish and it's over until next weekend. Never a round two, never anything else even that day. If something does happen between the weekends, she does it for me only, making me feel bad. I expressed my feelings to her numerous times. She never does anything about it. I just want to feel wanted. I suggested things such as: sexting (she didn't want to do it until recently just because I pushed it too much. It always ends up like those memes, her cooking doing all the chores multitasking, and I end up invested in it which ends up with me feeling like a pathetic sex freak), meet ups in the car (always happens in the evenings with her pulling the "im tired" card, or "do you REALLY want it right now", or if it's closer to our once a week weekend meet up "just wait until tomorrow"), getting off birth control (she still didn't try, she says it helps with her acne, sometimes she says she will do it but it's been 2 years already). I really love this girl. She's got it all and we're taking this relationship serious. I don't know how should I feel, should I drop my expectations and just adapt to her libido with the risk of it being even worse later on in life, or should I break up with her potentially losing a perfect partner over sex (which could be just a phase and maybe my libido drops down as I get busier in life?). I personally think sex for her is irrelevant part of a relationship, even her life generally. On the other hand, I'm very sexual and I don't see that changing anytime soon. I hope someone had a similar problem and could tell me what they did and how did it end up. Are you happier now? Do you regret it? Any advice is welcome.

TLDR; My girlfriend and I aren't compatible sexually. Advice on improving her sex drive? Is it a dealbreaker? anyone with similar experience?

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* This article was originally published here

Feelings when you’re the one to end LTRs

People who were in very long term marriages/relationships, like 15+ years, was it just as painful to end it, even though it was your doing? Did you grieve at all? We’re you broken for a bit? Did you feel guilt?

My (f46)ex (48)of 21 years left me last summer. Said he just slowly fell out of love with me. No cheating, I know that. He said he also really struggled starting his life over. He said he had to do it, but it was incredibly difficult/painful. We have 2 kids 11, 14.

I’m just wondering what people in these situations feel. It was a wonderful marriage, no hostility, fighting, very caring, respectful. I know if the marriage is shit anyway, the person ending it wouldn’t likey feel bad. I want to hear more from people in a situation more similar to mine.

TLDR: people who had to end relationships because they fell out of love with their partner, was it still painful even though it was your doing?

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* This article was originally published here

Girlfriend meeting a guy friend that likes her?

So I've (29m) been with my girlfriend (23f) for 4 months and she met a guy friend who liked her (just for a day when he visited the country we are in, he lives abroad) and they used to be close (but she said she 'friendzoned' him) and often ignores his calls and has even spoke a bit mockingly about him. This was in the evening for a few hours after she met me. She said when they met for a coffee a female friend (who I know) eventually called her and she went home.

Is it worth brushing this off or should I discuss a boundary - e.g. meeting people who like us could be disrespectful to our relationship, especially as I wouldn't entertain hanging out with a girl who likes me while I'm in a relationship.

I haven't discussed any boundaries about meeting opposite sex friends before, I remember once she got drunk with about 5 guys (who she says known for 7 years) alone (in the first week of our relationship) but that's all. She is otherwise a very trustworthy and respectful person.

TL;DR: Girlfriend met a guy friend who she friendzoned; should I discuss a boundary or ignore it?

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* This article was originally published here

After 10 years together my partner (wife 29F) says she doesn't know if she has ever loved me (30M)

But I don't really know what to do. I (30 M) guess I'll start at the beginning.

Growing up my wife (29F) had a lot of trauma. Abusive parents. Undiagnosed ADHD. Alopecia. Chronic UTI's. And a lot more.

I have been with my partner for around 10 years, married for about 4. We have always had our ups and downs. She was intensely jealous. Over time I became less connected to my friends, because she was an intense introvert with bad social anxiety.

Things became bad around 6 months ago.

- 6 months ago, a few things happened. The first thing is I started a business. It was something we spoke about for a while. She was against it initially because for her financial security is extremely important to her. But in the end we decided to do it.

- With me running a business, I spent a lot of time making it work. Honestly I've always been a hard worker. I worked and worked and worked. But when we signed up for it we knew that this was what it was going to be like. This was the expectation. But as a result I'm drained. I don't have the energy to listen to everything she says at work (and there is a lot going on at work, a lot of names and acronyms I have to remember).

- Her boss in her corporate organisation resigned. She cried for weeks. Heartbroken. The best way to describe is that her boss was like a father figure and with her abusive past she needed that connection.

- She moved to a new team. And in this team, the boss took away the work she wanted to do and in a general sense bullied her.

Last week she attempted suicide. In front of me and my mum. She hid a fistful of pills in her hand and tried to down them. Because of her work. We called an ambulance and they took her away to the hospital. She was furious. So angry. She was calling until 4AM not letting me sleep. Because she wanted me to suffer "like she was right now".

Later she apologised and said that she had PTSD flashbacks of when she was younger and had to go to hospital. After one night apart I came back.

A couple of days ago (out of the blue) she told me that though she loved me, she has never "been in love with me". For 10 years. She was with me because of the trauma she went through and because I made her feel safe and loved. She didn't say it out of anger or indifference. She was heartbroken. She was crying and apologizing. Which made it worse.

In subsequent conversations she said that though we have a physical and emotional connection we are lacking a mental one.

She has felt stronger connections with other men and that's what made her realise she might have a better connection elsewhere.

To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. There were some signs earlier sure, we argued about how much I wasn't at home or not able to listen to her. But at no point did she say that she was never in love with me.

I don't really understand what I want. I'm not sure whether I should stay or go. I'm not coping well.

Honestly I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this. Or something similar. Is there a reason why? How can a person just flip a switch and destroy something over 10 years. Without any warning

tl;dr:

My partner (29F) of 10 years has told me (30M) that she has never been in love with me and needs time to think. How have other people coped with this? (General advice/input welcome)

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* This article was originally published here

How long to introduce kids to new partner?

TL;DR- How long do you wait to introduce kids to a new partner? How do you know you know someone well enough?

We’ve been dating for 9 months f(34) m (36) everything’s going well so far but how do you know when the right time is? He’s got two kids and I’d like to meet them at some point now but I’m not sure if he is unsure or just being cautious? I’m starting to worry that we’re not really moving forward ..I fully understand and support that it needs to be well thought out but I feel like our lives are separate at the moment I’m feeling closer to him that I’m wanting to start thinking about bringing us together more!

Am I wrong for feeling like this?

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* This article was originally published here