But I don't really know what to do. I (30 M) guess I'll start at the beginning.
Growing up my wife (29F) had a lot of trauma. Abusive parents. Undiagnosed ADHD. Alopecia. Chronic UTI's. And a lot more.
I have been with my partner for around 10 years, married for about 4. We have always had our ups and downs. She was intensely jealous. Over time I became less connected to my friends, because she was an intense introvert with bad social anxiety.
Things became bad around 6 months ago.
- 6 months ago, a few things happened. The first thing is I started a business. It was something we spoke about for a while. She was against it initially because for her financial security is extremely important to her. But in the end we decided to do it.
- With me running a business, I spent a lot of time making it work. Honestly I've always been a hard worker. I worked and worked and worked. But when we signed up for it we knew that this was what it was going to be like. This was the expectation. But as a result I'm drained. I don't have the energy to listen to everything she says at work (and there is a lot going on at work, a lot of names and acronyms I have to remember).
- Her boss in her corporate organisation resigned. She cried for weeks. Heartbroken. The best way to describe is that her boss was like a father figure and with her abusive past she needed that connection.
- She moved to a new team. And in this team, the boss took away the work she wanted to do and in a general sense bullied her.
Last week she attempted suicide. In front of me and my mum. She hid a fistful of pills in her hand and tried to down them. Because of her work. We called an ambulance and they took her away to the hospital. She was furious. So angry. She was calling until 4AM not letting me sleep. Because she wanted me to suffer "like she was right now".
Later she apologised and said that she had PTSD flashbacks of when she was younger and had to go to hospital. After one night apart I came back.
A couple of days ago (out of the blue) she told me that though she loved me, she has never "been in love with me". For 10 years. She was with me because of the trauma she went through and because I made her feel safe and loved. She didn't say it out of anger or indifference. She was heartbroken. She was crying and apologizing. Which made it worse.
In subsequent conversations she said that though we have a physical and emotional connection we are lacking a mental one.
She has felt stronger connections with other men and that's what made her realise she might have a better connection elsewhere.
To say I am heartbroken is an understatement. There were some signs earlier sure, we argued about how much I wasn't at home or not able to listen to her. But at no point did she say that she was never in love with me.
I don't really understand what I want. I'm not sure whether I should stay or go. I'm not coping well.
Honestly I just want to know if anyone else has gone through this. Or something similar. Is there a reason why? How can a person just flip a switch and destroy something over 10 years. Without any warning
tl;dr:
My partner (29F) of 10 years has told me (30M) that she has never been in love with me and needs time to think. How have other people coped with this? (General advice/input welcome)
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* This article was originally published here
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