Met my soon to be ex-husband 4 years ago. We dated briefly and he broke up with me, saying we're not compatible. I was falling for him so I was really sad, but then things became complicated. Shortly after the breakup I found out I was pregnant, I let him know through his sister because he was not answering my calls, well, long story short, he came to me with a big bouquet of flowers, he said he was sorry about the breakup and that he wants us to try again. We moved in together, he proposed to me about 6-7 months after getting back together. Our son was born prematurely at 32 weeks pregnancy, emergency C-section because I developed preeclampsia. During this time then fiance was the best really. He was very supportive, I don't think I could make it without him really. He was my mental support and gave me strength. He helped me with everything, I had C-section and he even helped me take a shower etc. When our son was very little he helped a lot with everything, did his part of house chores, took care of the baby, even got up at night sometimes when baby cried, all this while working and providing money for us. When our son was 6 months old we got married. It was the happiest day of my life, I thought this is it, I finally have what I've always dreamt of, a loving husband, a baby, a true family. We agreed we wanted more kids, and we agreed I was to be stay at home mom until they were older. So when son was about one year old we tried for another baby, and we succeed at first try. This time it was a daughter, luckily it was healthy pregnancy, everything going like we planned. Except, when I was pregnant we started fighting a lot, falling apart, he was working more and more, I was tired, I felt alone and lonely, very fat and pregnant, taking care of 1,5 year old, taking care of house chores alone, because it all started changing and he wasn't as helpful as before. I guess we both failed to make each other happy, I'm not saying he's the only one to blame, but I really thought when our daughter is born, things will go back to normal. But they didn't, I started to feel even more alone and tired, I felt so so tired... We stopped having sex, we fought everyday. Every woman I had around me told me it was normal. That being pregnant, having a toddler, hormonal issues, then having newborn + toddler is exhausting and that every one of them had a hard time in their marriage during this period. I believed that. But time passed and nothing improved, we did therapy, we talked about it a lot, and nothing changed. In march he told me he want a divorce. That he doesn't love me anymore, actually he said he never loved me, that he married me because I got pregnant... I'm devastated. I begged him to not divorce, just to separate for some time, and see if that's what he really wants. He agreed. But about two months after I moved out with kids, he said he does want a divorce. I know I can't force him to stay with me. I'm just so devastated, so heartbroken. I still love him. I'm also very scared, since I am now alone with two small kids (3,5 and 1,5). I don't work. I want to go back to work in three months when kids will be attending daycare. Still I won't be making enough money to pay for everything. I'm not even sure if I earn enough to pay rent alone. He said he will give us money, he said he wants to see children etc. But I can't help feeling anxious. He said if I give him divorce without problems he will support us, but if I will try to claim it is his fault I am on my own. I don't have place to go, I don't have money saved, and I feel like I need to just do as he wants. I think there is someone else. Don't have any proof really, just a feeling. Well, his Google account was logged in on a laptop I took with me, and I once checked that, it saves Google maps locations of the phone, and I saw he was in a pub, when he said he was home, but when I accused him without thinking, he changed the password and I can't find some more proofs anymore. And I don't have money to hire a detective to check if he really was cheating on me.
What should I do now? How to move on and stop feeling depressed? I feel like I'm dead inside, just on auto pilot taking care of kids and that's it...
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