my mom and i have had a really rocky relationship since i can remember. we’ve definitely not been the best version of ourselves, but my really awful days were in my teen years and it stemmed from a lot of her emotional abuse and neglect. our constant fighting and inability to get along made it virtually impossible to have any sort of relationship, so i sought independence at 17 and didn’t talk to my family for nearly 4 years. that was a painful time in my life and i missed them the whole way, as i have siblings (21m, 15f, 13m) and i felt like a horrible sister for leaving them in the dust. my mom and i tried to reconcile a few times in those 4 years and it never worked out, i was still upset at her and she could never forgive me or recognize her own wrong doings.
flash forward to a few years ago, things start becoming more amicable and we start to talk again. i became a pretty present daughter as i tried to be there in any way i could for her and my siblings. this was by spending long hours on the phone, traveling down to see them often, paying for plane tickets and traveling during COVID (not ideal, but i felt it was necessary for me to keep this relationship). i helped pack for their move then, spent most my christmas break there, i stayed an entire summer more or less to help my siblings adjust to a new state, i took my siblings in during my first week at uni while my stepdad and her were fighting, the list goes on. essentially, it feels like there’s always been a crisis of some manner or them needing me to be a “responsible” daughter and come aid them. this wouldn’t typically be an issue, as i really do WANT to help.
the bigger issue lies in the fact that its never reciprocated and my life is never taken into consideration. i live 6 hours away, i am working two jobs and going to school, i have pets and responsibilities here, my own home. i have a lot of life to juggle here that depends on me being a very reliable person. i make a lot of time for others and would absolutely do that for my family, as i have many times in the past. but over the past year (and honestly for a lot of my life) she has made me run around to prove i care and that i’d drop anything. she also doesn’t show up for things or communicate with me for big things in my life, like birthdays, holidays, important events, etc. i would never call myself flaky, but i do try to set boundaries for when i really need to do things.
i let her know 4 weeks ago that i would have time off in the upcoming week, and would love to come see her and my siblings, but i had a new job and needed to plan things accordingly. she never responded for two weeks. then she was in the hospital, concerning head and stomach pains, which other people were around to take care of and i asked to be updated throughout. during this time she never responded to me, never reached out. then this morning i receive a text that i i should travel 4 hours away with a less than 10 hour notice for an event that’s important for my sibling (which i asked to be given a heads up on, they know his schedule far in advance, and he will likely have more of these events this year), and was told that she doesn’t ask a lot of me and i could cancel plans to be there during these stressful times for family.
i’m honestly just hurt. i want to go to support my sibling but i can’t let her keep disrespecting my time and life for it. i could maybe make it happen, but 1) it’d be a really tight fit into my weekend of plans i made far in advance, 2) gas prices are atrocious and i make $12/hr, and 3) i feel like i’m being guilted into something that i would have absolutely made time for and saved up for given even just a few days notice.
i don’t know what to do. how should i address this and should i continue to set boundaries?
tldr; my toxic mom is putting me in a last minute position to attend an event 4 hours away and i am not sure whether to go or set boundaries.
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* This article was originally published here
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